An Open Letter

I'm writing this with voice to text while starting my trek back. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I never really read the things I write, at least I haven't really so far. And since I don't really intend for any of these posts to be consumed does it matter if I correct the grammar mistakes from voice to text or mistranslations? I guess not.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty shitty. I guess depressed would probably be a better word. Today also I felt worse, to the point where I genuinely started getting concerned. I decided I would go work out and then go on a long walk again. I finished working out and went home, grabbed a jacket and my weighted ankle set. I put in three bars on each side this time. I then just “fucked off into the woods”.

I think the first thing I always notice is how my body hurts. Specifically I felt the front part of my right shin hurting and my left hip hurting. But I also just keep going and eventually the pain goes away. I kind of reminds me of that “ someone told on Reddit, where they had broken some bone in their body and were afraid of pushing it too far during rehab. Their doctor said “Go and push yourself It will not break. And if it breaks, I will fix it. But it won't break.” I guess it's important to see yourself in the same light sometimes. I'm not as fragile as I think. And the pain of progress is better than the pain of regret.

I walked to the corner of the bluffs, at the nice little lookout point. I settled down there and brought out the book I've been Reading, which is something I've never actually really done before on my walks. I always kind of preserve reading to my bed right before I go to sleep but this was blissful. I think I ended up reading for more than an hour, which is way more than the 5 minutes I have to habitually force myself to do everyday.

I found myself distracted by thoughts only a few times, but looking at everything now while walking back I sort of think about how it's just a good day. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm a pretty cautious person I'd like to say, but I originally wanted to try mushrooms for my treatment resistant depression. I ended up painfully tapering off of my medication for several months, and bought some shrooms from someone with the hopes of not being depressed. Turns out I have a fairly high tolerance, and I ended up not really feeling anything like I expected. I remember describing it as just a good day. Is there anything more than that that I need?

I guess I kind of suffocate myself with quotes to try to change my mindset, things like life was not meant to be a punishment. But I still struggle to I guess internalize that stuff. Mike Tyson has a quote everyone has a plan until they're punched in the face, surprisingly that applies to a lot more than I thought. It's hard to remember that things like going to the gym or taking a long walk or reading make me happy. It's easy to forget that stuff. But just because I forget it doesn't mean it's any less true.

Walking like this kind of feels like a guide for a living life sometimes. Half the time it's peaceful and bliss where I just enjoy the sounds of nature or whatever I'm listening to. Or just thinking. And half the time it is pain and an uncomfortable situation, where I just want to stop. In both cases I'm not doing anything wrong and the things I'm supposed to do kind of stay the same. One foot in front of the other just keep walking. And it's a funny little trick of the mind where I always forget what everything other than my present experience is like. When it's bad I forget that I can be good. When it's good I forget that could be bad. I am the same person for going through life normally; I forget what it's like to be depressed when I'm not, and vice versa.

Well I was resting in between sets at the gym I was trying to read about how to make my life more and what other people had figured out. One person while talking about phone usage mentioned what do you want from yourself in five or 10 years. And then something along the lines of make a plan for that that is tangible. Well walking back there were three dogs all of different breeds walking with two women coming towards me. I asked if I could pet them and I did very briefly. I think that's a good life. I would like to have hash with me, And maybe also a golden retriever. Three dogs would be a full house I think. Nothing wrong with that, it just may not leave space for much more. I think I would be happy surrounded by them as I wouldn't be alone. And I feel like I would be fulfilled with them by my side. I know a lot of people mention that they don't like the idea of living alone as it would get too boring and isolating. I'm really grateful I have hash and also my online friends, as that's my version of not being alone always. It's also nice because I don't need to worry about long distance or stuff like that. But also I guess that is the cost of being online friends. They are long distance and stuff like that.

A book that caught my eye at Barnes & nobles yesterday was a fiction book about a woman who just gets up and leaves her life after her sister dies. It's a story and her account of traveling and figuring out life. The summary on the back of the book mentioned about how she was able to conceal her inner struggles from all often new people she meets while overseas. And It mentions about how she struggles with a fact of “if she can conceal who she is to the outside world, how can she know what she is”. Or something along those lines I've probably butchered it. But I guess that whole idea of The disconnect between being, and being observed. I think I want to get that book, because it's a very good question but I kind of struggle with. I guess it's very tangentially related to the fear of being forgotten by history. There is a very high chance that I will do nothing notable in my life to warrant being remembered years after my death. This thought has never really concerned me, but also what does that mean I guess. If my entire life's contribution can be essentially ignored, what is the purpose of my life. I guess this is the whole issue with voting, where my individual vote really doesn't matter and changes nothing. But I guess if everyone thought that it would change things. So maybe I'm a hypocrite, for not voting. Because the equivalent thought I think is recognizing that your individual contribution is meaningless, and still working hard to make that contribution. I wonder if history is a reversible process. Could my random action today be traced directly to some future consequence, with no other path to that future? If that's the case then what I do has meaning. Maybe not in a way that I can see or in a way that matters, but it still would have meaning nonetheless. I guess this fundamentally means nothing and changes nothing, but it's something that's reassuring to me for some reason.

I have successfully rambled back to civilization about 2 mi without even noticing it. What a curious experience. Thank you to myself for getting up and going on this walk.