An Open Letter

To be clear, it’s a temporary suspension – only until the first. I had a habit of joining every server I was invited to because then I’d be able to have access to things I wouldn’t have otherwise without networking. But turns out Discord is not a big fan of a couple of servers, as some random ones got banned for breaking ToS and my account got two strikes. I went ahead and left all those random servers, but either way, I wasn’t able to send any sort of messages today.

Weirdly it was kind of nice – in a strangely peaceful way. I also had a good session of therapy this morning, where I was thinking about my fears with P. I guess I’m still worried about L and S interacting with me less due to having P move in with them, and this all was spurred on by seeing P for the first time and trying to introduce myself, and they didn’t hear me. I guess in a sort of morbid way, I want to remind myself that no matter what I have been able to adapt to have my needs met. I’ve always been able to make some friends in some way, so I don’t have to worry about being truly alone. Necessity breeds effort, I guess.

That being said my therapist was trying to get me to be less of a doomer. Things aren’t the worst-case scenario, no matter how much mental illness tries to construe it that way. I know I like the idea of personifying mental illness, but I wonder if I could give it a cute little name. My first thought was the name Luci, but I love that name too much. I have Kendrick to thank for that name.

I do think that I should take the time to read “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” again when I can – I realized I care too much in life for a lot of things. I can find peace when I accept what’s happening and the things I don’t have control over.

I really like that one Reddit comment – someone had a boss who managed to stay calm always, and they asked them how they did that in the face of all of these other problems. The boss said, “One day someone close to you will be dying, and the rest of your problems won’t seem to matter anymore.” Why should I wait on tragedy for me to find peace?

R – 3 breaths

E – I find my scars of exclusion stretched open by the whole situation with S, L, and P. But also I am catastrophizing consistently – and regardless this isn’t a definite fear at all. I also know that I don’t need to be constantly chosen every single time to be loved.

S – I know that this is an incredibly sensitive issue for me, so I will give myself compassion here; but also there is no benefit for me to mentally self-harm myself by constantly thinking and trying to come to terms with the worst-case scenario. I will let go of this and enjoy the present.

T – I will remind myself that this is a worst-case thought, but also that I should rather enjoy the present instead of living in fear of losing this friendship in the future.