An Open Letter

L & L lol – I couldn’t let that one go unnoticed.

I met L today in person for the first time, we’ve known each other for 2-3 years now and we play games almost daily. It was a nice day, we hung out for like 6 hours or so. I guess you kinda do know someone after spending hundreds of hours with them, other than some strange quirks here and there. The second L comes in because I noticed they set their status as “that fucker is kinda short 💀”. For the record, I am 5’9.5” last I went to the doctor, so I’m 5’10” with shoes. This person’s 5’6” or so, so it’s not like they were my height. I am most likely not going to see L in person for a while anyway, so it has no consequence at all, but this comment did for some reason affect me way more than I thought it would.

My gut reaction is to defend myself – my posture is naturally pretty bad, but I also noticed I was never standing fully upright and was being incredibly passive with my body language, which I attribute to not wanting her to feel uncomfortable or scared at all. I was always leaning against something, or sitting down and never stood straight while facing directly at her. After all, she is a few years younger than me and is way more at risk meeting up with an internet friend if I was a murderer compared to the other way around.

I guess I kind of take offense to things like these because they feel emasculating. I’m not rigidly masculine in a traditional way, so it’s not emasculating in the same lens of toxic masculinity – but I guess I just feel weak and vulnerable. I grew up incredibly short, weak, and fragile. I ended up eventually growing around 10th grade, got physically stronger, and mentally tougher over time. Those are all things that were never guaranteed to me, and I had to work hard for some of them. I have a fear of going back to that state I used to be in. Or maybe the fear is being perceived in that state I was in. I didn’t think that anyone could be attracted to me, and I guess by some continuation of that love me like that. As time went on, I ended up becoming someone who was more self-sufficient, and stable. Now I have people consistently finding me attractive or wanting to pursue things, but I guess my mind has not caught up with the rest of me. I still see myself as the person I was for 90% of my life – weak, frail, and unloved.

I set my status to “Somehow every body of water leads me back to this ocean”. I guess I wanted to go back to my roots and sadpost, but I can’t really do that when I have a ton of students constantly reaching out to me over Discord given this strike. I set the status while in the shower in my childhood home – a place tied to a lot of horrible emotions for me. That image is synonymous with all of the pains I had growing up, and I felt like it was almost inevitable to end back up there. No matter how far I climb, or how deep inland I run, the rains drag me back into the ocean where I drown.