An Open Letter https://biggergig.com/ A digital journal Wed, 01 Jul 2026 02:36:27 +0000 https://i.snap.as/Qxro1Arv.ico An Open Letter https://biggergig.com/ Resolution https://biggergig.com/resolution?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[I talked with her today, and she explained that she did want me to be there, but this was one of those Friend dynamics where it was intended to be just a girls trip. Is that she mentioned how she absolutely would invite me if men were allowed, and that she does want to go on a trip with me and that she understands where I’m coming from. The answer is still a no, but I feel better. ]]> I talked with her today, and she explained that she did want me to be there, but this was one of those Friend dynamics where it was intended to be just a girls trip. Is that she mentioned how she absolutely would invite me if men were allowed, and that she does want to go on a trip with me and that she understands where I’m coming from. The answer is still a no, but I feel better.

]]> https://biggergig.com/resolution Tue, 30 Jun 2026 06:33:31 +0000 Slutty photos https://biggergig.com/slutty-photos?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[One thing I’ve been thinking about after talking with N Was how my Hinge profile could likely benefit from some sort of faith thirst trap or photo that shows off my physique. I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of mixed feedback on this, but most of it involves tastefully showing off your body. I feel like my profile lacks that right now, and it feels weird to try to figure out a socially acceptable way to show off. ]]> One thing I’ve been thinking about after talking with N Was how my Hinge profile could likely benefit from some sort of faith thirst trap or photo that shows off my physique. I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of mixed feedback on this, but most of it involves tastefully showing off your body. I feel like my profile lacks that right now, and it feels weird to try to figure out a socially acceptable way to show off.

]]> https://biggergig.com/slutty-photos Mon, 29 Jun 2026 06:05:17 +0000 Another girls trip https://biggergig.com/another-girls-trip?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[Today I went to a friend‘s birthday party, and I was talking about how I wanted to go to Six Flags waterpark. One of the girls there was constantly shitting on it and saying how there’s no point driving that far for it, and I was just kind of saying I enjoy it. I was asking A if she was interested, and she was saying that she was. The other girl started talking about how she wanted to go to a different one, and then said that it would be fun to go as a girls thing. It just directly feels like such a slap in the face to say that because it excludes me. It feels like intentionally trying to set up a situation or social dynamic where it is implied that I am not allowed. That shit hurts.]]> Today I went to a friend‘s birthday party, and I was talking about how I wanted to go to Six Flags waterpark. One of the girls there was constantly shitting on it and saying how there’s no point driving that far for it, and I was just kind of saying I enjoy it. I was asking A if she was interested, and she was saying that she was. The other girl started talking about how she wanted to go to a different one, and then said that it would be fun to go as a girls thing. It just directly feels like such a slap in the face to say that because it excludes me. It feels like intentionally trying to set up a situation or social dynamic where it is implied that I am not allowed. That shit hurts.

]]> https://biggergig.com/another-girls-trip Sun, 28 Jun 2026 07:11:21 +0000 Girls trip https://biggergig.com/girls-trip?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[I found out that G was organizing another girls trip. J told me, And even offered to ask her directly about inviting me. G said that this was just going to be a girls trip. It hurts because there was a trip earlier and G said that next time she would absolutely invite me, and it kind of feels like I’m getting my hopes crushed after getting them raised. I know that there may be valid reasons for it, but it very much hurts in the same way that my childhood did when I would get excluded from things with friends because they were girls and I was not. And it feels like it’s the same thing happening again. S: G is planning another trip, and explicitly did not invite me because it is going to be a girls trip. T: it sucks because I don’t see why I couldn’t be invited, and additionally G said that next time she would invite me. F: I feel like I’m being excluded, and it’s because of my gender. I feel like the friends I consider close are not actually that close to me. B: I feel like shit, and I pull away from my friendships. T: This might just be a girls trip in the sense of an existing friend group, and G does enjoy interacting with me and would want to go on a trip, but they already have their established friend group. F: honestly it still hurts a lot. But I think it hurts a little bit less so. I can talk with my therapist and try to figure out how to not have this bitterness. B: I talked with my therapist and I don’t punish friendships for this.]]> I found out that G was organizing another girls trip. J told me, And even offered to ask her directly about inviting me. G said that this was just going to be a girls trip. It hurts because there was a trip earlier and G said that next time she would absolutely invite me, and it kind of feels like I’m getting my hopes crushed after getting them raised. I know that there may be valid reasons for it, but it very much hurts in the same way that my childhood did when I would get excluded from things with friends because they were girls and I was not. And it feels like it’s the same thing happening again.

S: G is planning another trip, and explicitly did not invite me because it is going to be a girls trip.

T: it sucks because I don’t see why I couldn’t be invited, and additionally G said that next time she would invite me.

F: I feel like I’m being excluded, and it’s because of my gender. I feel like the friends I consider close are not actually that close to me.

B: I feel like shit, and I pull away from my friendships.

T: This might just be a girls trip in the sense of an existing friend group, and G does enjoy interacting with me and would want to go on a trip, but they already have their established friend group.

F: honestly it still hurts a lot. But I think it hurts a little bit less so. I can talk with my therapist and try to figure out how to not have this bitterness.

B: I talked with my therapist and I don’t punish friendships for this.

]]> https://biggergig.com/girls-trip Sat, 27 Jun 2026 07:25:32 +0000 Exhaustion and boundaries https://biggergig.com/exhaustion-and-boundaries?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[Today I called out of work because I was emotionally feeling that drained. If I’m being completely honest I don’t really wanna get into it right now, and so I just won’t. I will say that I do feel like I am seeing tangible growth in myself, both in the way that I handle communication, and in the way that I respect my need for time or space before I handle something, as opposed to acting out of emotion. I went to the gym and I felt really weak because I’m sick and drained, and when I got home after doing other stuff I decided I might as well just take a Polaroid of my body because I was walking around shirtless and I kind of did like the way that I looked. Or at least it felt like it was a familiar thought to feel happy with how I look even if I don’t necessarily fully feel it. And I was hoping that have a nice Polaroid would make me feel good, but on the first one my face was in it and I didn’t know and so I wasn’t making any real expression and I look psychotic and I don’t like the way I look there. I was going to throw away the Polaroid, even though in my scrapbook I have kept every Polaroid even the ones that don’t develop or developed poorly. I decided to try to use my lighter to get the photo to essentially sensor my face, but it ended up just burning the Polaroid. I felt like it was almost poetic in a sense, the burn marks over my face to cover my insecurities and to try to mask it with my body. And it feels almost like intentional objectification of myself, as a way to distract from flaws. To provide my own value in such a clear unconnected sense. ]]> Today I called out of work because I was emotionally feeling that drained. If I’m being completely honest I don’t really wanna get into it right now, and so I just won’t. I will say that I do feel like I am seeing tangible growth in myself, both in the way that I handle communication, and in the way that I respect my need for time or space before I handle something, as opposed to acting out of emotion.

I went to the gym and I felt really weak because I’m sick and drained, and when I got home after doing other stuff I decided I might as well just take a Polaroid of my body because I was walking around shirtless and I kind of did like the way that I looked. Or at least it felt like it was a familiar thought to feel happy with how I look even if I don’t necessarily fully feel it. And I was hoping that have a nice Polaroid would make me feel good, but on the first one my face was in it and I didn’t know and so I wasn’t making any real expression and I look psychotic and I don’t like the way I look there. I was going to throw away the Polaroid, even though in my scrapbook I have kept every Polaroid even the ones that don’t develop or developed poorly. I decided to try to use my lighter to get the photo to essentially sensor my face, but it ended up just burning the Polaroid. I felt like it was almost poetic in a sense, the burn marks over my face to cover my insecurities and to try to mask it with my body. And it feels almost like intentional objectification of myself, as a way to distract from flaws. To provide my own value in such a clear unconnected sense.

]]> https://biggergig.com/exhaustion-and-boundaries Fri, 26 Jun 2026 07:22:50 +0000 Photogenic https://biggergig.com/photogenic?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[J Is both more photogenic Than me, but also worse at taking photos. It sucks because I look at these really nice photos of her I take and then I look at the photos of me and I kind of hate them, and I feel fat and gross and I feel insecure. And it’s weird because on one hand I’m like I don’t care if I gain weight because anyway that’s kind of attractive in its own way and I get to be strong, but when I see like my chin I feel bad.]]> J Is both more photogenic Than me, but also worse at taking photos. It sucks because I look at these really nice photos of her I take and then I look at the photos of me and I kind of hate them, and I feel fat and gross and I feel insecure. And it’s weird because on one hand I’m like I don’t care if I gain weight because anyway that’s kind of attractive in its own way and I get to be strong, but when I see like my chin I feel bad.

]]> https://biggergig.com/photogenic Thu, 25 Jun 2026 07:54:29 +0000 Conflict resolution https://biggergig.com/conflict-resolution?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[Against my will I did my first group FaceTime call to resolve some of the tension around a situation I’ve been hearing about essentially through proxy. thankfully it didn’t go that bad, but it was a bit of an uncomfortable situation to essentially have to mediate and suggest boundaries between two friends that got crushes on each other when it is not appropriate. One of them is in a long-term committed relationship, and the other is just getting out of a long term codependent relationship. I’m happy with how I handled it though, and also to their credit they handled it pretty well.]]> Against my will I did my first group FaceTime call to resolve some of the tension around a situation I’ve been hearing about essentially through proxy. thankfully it didn’t go that bad, but it was a bit of an uncomfortable situation to essentially have to mediate and suggest boundaries between two friends that got crushes on each other when it is not appropriate. One of them is in a long-term committed relationship, and the other is just getting out of a long term codependent relationship. I’m happy with how I handled it though, and also to their credit they handled it pretty well.

]]> https://biggergig.com/conflict-resolution Wed, 24 Jun 2026 07:56:03 +0000 Hinge https://biggergig.com/hinge?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[I went through and selected six categories and candidate photos and started going through them. I’m honestly anxious, and I find myself caught in this cycle of wanting my first impression to be my best foot forward because that’s essentially my seeding for the algorithm. It is honestly kind of scary if I’m being honest.]]> I went through and selected six categories and candidate photos and started going through them. I’m honestly anxious, and I find myself caught in this cycle of wanting my first impression to be my best foot forward because that’s essentially my seeding for the algorithm. It is honestly kind of scary if I’m being honest.

]]> https://biggergig.com/hinge Tue, 23 Jun 2026 07:02:12 +0000 Short post low battery https://biggergig.com/short-post-low-battery?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[My phone battery is getting very dangerously low and so I’m going to this quickly say this out loud. I hosted another game night tonight and even though the turnout wasn’t huge, we had 10 people and so we were able to play a couple games. I also asked people to bring snacks and I felt like most of the people were very grateful to be there to be invited, and I didn’t feel like I was just an organizer that doesn’t get to participate. Because of that I’m very grateful. I also got to play a lot of the games because a friend offered to host them as a storyteller and that made it a lot more fun for me. ]]> My phone battery is getting very dangerously low and so I’m going to this quickly say this out loud. I hosted another game night tonight and even though the turnout wasn’t huge, we had 10 people and so we were able to play a couple games. I also asked people to bring snacks and I felt like most of the people were very grateful to be there to be invited, and I didn’t feel like I was just an organizer that doesn’t get to participate. Because of that I’m very grateful. I also got to play a lot of the games because a friend offered to host them as a storyteller and that made it a lot more fun for me.

]]> https://biggergig.com/short-post-low-battery Mon, 22 Jun 2026 07:22:06 +0000 Potential energy https://biggergig.com/potential-energy?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[I’m at the gym and this one girl caught my eye. She has a very nice body, and a cute face but there are also things I don’t prefer. She also wasn’t smiling or showing traits of things I look for (not saying she doesn’t have them). An interesting thing was I noticed I wanted to go talk to her or get her Instagram, even though I felt like I was out of her league. I think it’s a no go if I start off feeling like I’m settling, and so I won’t approach her, but I wanted to introspect on why I felt attracted to her BECAUSE of the mismatch/flaws. I think it’s a well documented thing about how people will “punch down” in hopes of security or being treated better as compensation, or something along those lines. I think part of this for me is a remnant of my lower self esteem growing up, and the idea that people like that would find me attractive and I’d have a chance. I think this is obviously flawed for several reasons, but another thing that comes to mind is the concept of “potential energy.” I saw this girl, and I thought about how if she continues to work out, or changes in some way or another then it would be amazing. But you cannot control someone else or make them change, and additionally I feel like it’s a bit shitty to want or expect someone to change. I also think back to my last relationship where I held myself there because I kept hoping for the potential of her. From that relationship one of the lessons I want to hold with me is to not look for potential, but rather accept the person infront of me. And I think that begins at the start, if I am not content with a person as they are, I should not pursue it. I’m not saying they have to be perfect, and I hope that people grow in relationships, myself included. I just hope that whoever I search for is someone I am happy with as is, without needing change.]]> I’m at the gym and this one girl caught my eye. She has a very nice body, and a cute face but there are also things I don’t prefer. She also wasn’t smiling or showing traits of things I look for (not saying she doesn’t have them). An interesting thing was I noticed I wanted to go talk to her or get her Instagram, even though I felt like I was out of her league. I think it’s a no go if I start off feeling like I’m settling, and so I won’t approach her, but I wanted to introspect on why I felt attracted to her BECAUSE of the mismatch/flaws. I think it’s a well documented thing about how people will “punch down” in hopes of security or being treated better as compensation, or something along those lines. I think part of this for me is a remnant of my lower self esteem growing up, and the idea that people like that would find me attractive and I’d have a chance. I think this is obviously flawed for several reasons, but another thing that comes to mind is the concept of “potential energy.” I saw this girl, and I thought about how if she continues to work out, or changes in some way or another then it would be amazing. But you cannot control someone else or make them change, and additionally I feel like it’s a bit shitty to want or expect someone to change. I also think back to my last relationship where I held myself there because I kept hoping for the potential of her. From that relationship one of the lessons I want to hold with me is to not look for potential, but rather accept the person infront of me. And I think that begins at the start, if I am not content with a person as they are, I should not pursue it. I’m not saying they have to be perfect, and I hope that people grow in relationships, myself included. I just hope that whoever I search for is someone I am happy with as is, without needing change.

]]> https://biggergig.com/potential-energy Sat, 20 Jun 2026 22:58:08 +0000