Today I was in a musical mood. I played guitar for over an hour and recorded a good amount. I sent a friend a snippet of a verse from the song 2009 by Mac Miller, and for once I was kinda happy hearing my voice. I used to sing a LOT, I even did choir for about 6 years, but then my voice changed and I suddenly was in between ranges and was unable to really sing. I still love to sing, but I just sound bad and I’m pretty embarrassed. But anything worth doing is worth doing badly right?

I’ve been socializing out of my mind, and I’ve been making a lot of casual friends recently. I now live in graduate student housing, and most of the people here are significantly older and are fully about the academia life. I’ve met cool people, but virtually all of them are very low-energy. I like the part of me that’s electric, on fire, and full of life. I don’t see myself being that person around them – and that makes me sad. As much as I want to build a larger social network, I can’t help but feel like I won’t find my kind of people. I guess I’m a bit afraid of that, and it feels discouraging. I love going on long walks, and I like reading, but I also love being a chaotic dumbass, and a 30-year-old PhD student doesn’t always feel the same way.

I guess to avoid being discouraged I'll do a bit of CBT on this.

Situation: I haven’t met any high-energy chaotic friends recently.

Thoughts: I feel like I will never find friends who satisfy that niche for me, and I should just give up. I also feel like I am in the wrong for not letting my inner child die yet, and I should just thug that shit out and become a permanently mature, serious adult.

Feelings: I feel discouraged, sad, and ultimately a bit alone. I feel like my emotional needs are not met, and they will not be met.

Behavior: I don’t try to socialize or meet new people, and I end up acting in a way I don’t want to around others.

Now for a different view on the same thing:

Thoughts: It’s been a small sample size, it’s only been a few days! On top of it, if I am a grad student and I am like this, I am not the ONLY person in the world to be like this. Yeah, it might be a bit less common, but there will definitely be people like that I am looking forward to meeting them, as since it’s rare it will be that much more exciting! I can also make friends with undergrads, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Feelings: I feel a bit tired, but more at peace. I feel like things will be fine, and less ‘doomsday’ about it. Sometimes it be like that, but it doesn’t mean it will stay like that.

Behavior: I keep pushing myself to meet more people, as I realize how absurd it is to make friends in the first place. I don’t give up, and I stay my authentic self.

Shit's weird man, but I’m glad you felt good today – even if it was the medication. Proud of you Timothy Green 💖