An Open Letter

I’m kind of overheating a little bit and I think it’s a little bit funny because A was Surprised that I was A Sagittarius, mentioning that a lot of the traits of being the life of the party, funny all that stuff, but surprised for the sole reason that I don’t have an ego to her. And I think it’s so funny because I absolutely have an ego, I think it’s one of those things where I can keep it to myself, and I’m secure enough with it where it doesn’t need to be pushed down anyone’s throat, I just have a pretty good view of myself in certain lenses. Afterwards we were talking and she was telling our group how she wants to match make us, and she was talking about all these different things that men should due to improve their chances, and the other guys, I was surprised how clueless they were with several things. She even used me as an example and was saying that they should take notes, but also it won’t work for them because they’re not me and they don’t have that dog in them like I do. I remember she was telling this one guy at the beginning that she was going to find him someone because even though he was afraid of women and a bit older, and not as attractive, he was a homeowner. And I held back from mentioning that I am also, and don’t get me wrong. I absolutely understand that this is something that I would not be able to do without the privilege of my dad‘s financial support. But I also kind of do want to acknowledge the fact that it is privileged, but it is privileged that I have., Am I still didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to boast or flex, but it kind of just makes me feel even more like damn I am that guy. I remember I saw an Instagram reel earlier today about something about clavicle length, and I am very fortunate with my genetics. I saw my doctor today and he asked if I was on steroids, and I think that he is being nice, but at the same time there’s a reason that complement lands. I think I have an incredible amount of potential, and I’m very grateful that I’ve done a lot of the work and I’ve gone through a dark enough place that it required me to realize and recognize that potential in actuality. And it’s something that I’ve kind of thought about a little bit where when some of my friends asked me for advice with things or they ask me about how they can have more success in certain endeavors, sometimes they’re just is that somewhat insurmountable gap of just the cards that we are dealt. And I’m not saying that I have the perfect hand or anything like that, and I use the fact that I tried to kill myself a few times, and I still struggle with that as an indication that even though I have all these amazing things, I am sometimes more than I would like to willing to throw it away, and if someone else is not willing to do that, I think that somewhat of a telling comparison, that they would choose to keep living that life instead of just ending it. But that all being said, I feel like for a lack of the brighter word, it’s a brutal mog. Like what am I supposed to say when one of my friends that isn’t doing well in college for a worst major is asking me about career success. And frankly, it’s a mixture of genetics, the environment I was raised in, and everything that I sacrificed to contribute to my intelligence and my success, and so when someone asks me how to be more smooth or how to be better at flirting, how am I supposed to just tell someone to in essence to me what feels like be smarter. Like if someone is asking about how to be funnier or more charismatic and yes, you can work on these things absolutely and I think there isn’t enough of a reason to feel discouraged, it’s one of those things where it’s like if someone ask me hey how am I supposed to lift this heavy amount of weight and it’s a mixture of the cards that I’m dealt and also the work that I put in. And I think it’s one of those things where I have almost slingshotted in life going from being incredibly behind in a lot, if not all different avenues, other than maybe academic success, to having to really put the pedal to the floor and end up surpassing most of my peers. And of course, I’m now surrounded with new peers, but I find that I still am used as an example or a subject of envy or a goal or gold standard to strive for. I remember one of my friends in college kept saying that she was going to beat me on a test at least once or he was going to do something like that and he never did. And I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is. And it’s not at all the case that I’m the best of everything, and I actually really enjoy the things that I’m not the best at because I’ve dealt with the issues of other people comparing themselves to me and holding that resentment and that’s not something that I can necessarily deal with nor is it my responsibility to deal with. Like I remember in college when we would all be in a class together, and I would set the curve on a test and my friends would not be happy. And if they would get excited when they would get a question right that I didn’t while we were cheating and working together on test during Covid, all for me to then point out that they were actually wrong and I was right. I think about how online my friends are sometimes a little bit insecure about the fact that I am better than them at the games and much higher ranked. And because of that, I need to be careful and it’s not honestly that hard, it’s not like I need my ego to be stroked and it’s not like I need them to acknowledge that either and I’m happy letting them shine and not taking up spotlight. But in a lot of different avenues, I find myself near the top and I find myself worrying that friends or people around me will compare themselves to me. And so I really like things that I am not great at, like for example Chess. I’m rated 1000 which is not a horrible, but it’s also definitely not exceptional or great by any means. And because of that at the chest club, most people are better than me, and it’s a little bit difficult in the sense that sometimes when I win or when I make them have to really focus. They are in a situation where they kind of have nothing to gain, but they have a lot to lose. But I think generally I am a good loser in that sense. I am completely comfortable, losing and somewhat stroking someone else’s ego if necessary. But overall in life, I kind of feel bad because there’s nothing I can’t do but just mog certain people. Like on paper, I think a lot of people would wish to swap lives with me and I can’t really say that I’ve met anyone where I felt like I would want to swap lives with them, because I have an incredible amount of potential and I think I have an incredible amount of gifts that are not at all common. And I guess maybe this somewhat egotistical self reflection is an exercising gratitude. I think about that one conversation topic of if you were to swap problems with a random person in the world, would you and I think almost everyone says no. And I think that’s a very insightful thing, that even though we have our problems, we recognize that they could be way worse at the end of the day our problems are not insurmountable. And I guess I’m happy to hear that I have this sense of self value, and I don’t feel like this is the needle swinging too far the other side from the past where I had a horrible sense of self-esteem, and I also got a lot of shit from people. I’m kind of comfortable with me having this echo because I don’t think that I’m being unreasonable or incorrect about anything that I say, but more importantly, I’m writing this on my fucking website that I hope no one really reads. Like I think I’m comfortable with people reading this distant in the future or something like that because by then I have plausible deniability to be able to say oh that was past me. But I’m essentially just saying this into the void and so I’m not putting anyone else down or I’m not trying to convince anyone else of something. I’m just kind of worried dumping while I drive back home from chest with voice to text. But overall, I just wanna say that I’m really proud of the person that you’ve become. If the choice arises again choose to keep living please. Don’t let a temporary lack of chemicals, rob you of an incredible life opportunity.

Holy shit I’m so incredibly happy that I changed my gym. This new gym is absolutely fucking amazing, I couldn’t stop from smiling the whole time because all of the machines were just amazing and I was having such an amazing workout. I talked with a couple people even saw someone from high school, and made new friends. Afterwards, I went to opposing room and took photos and I felt really cool. I also feel like the people there have reinvigorated my hope for finding someone who matches my criteria and that I’m also attracted to, because there were so many beautiful women there. I think I made the right choice.

I decided and I will tell her when I think there is an appropriate time to Do so with The least amount of pain possible. Or at least whatever is reasonable. And so I guess I’m going to continue waiting for the right person to come along, or someone who is right enough. I signed up for a different gym today, partially because I realized that if the gym is a pretty important thing to me and where I am most likely to find a future partner, going to a nice gym in the area, where my work is is probably the best bet of me finding someone like that. And also, it’s just a nice gym so I’m excited I guess.

It’s been a while since I’ve written something of substance I feel like so I guess today is that day. I feel like I’m more and more coming towards the conclusion that I am not really interested in K In the way that I would hope I would be for a partner and I know that my brain can be irrational and I’m kind of feeling a little bit low right now and so I’m not rushing to anything and I’m waiting for my therapy session to talk friends and such, but I feel like she hasn’t even done anything to egregiously wrong, but there’s just enough things that I realize it isn’t really what I’m looking for. I really dislike the fact that I just am not attracted to her in the way that I thought I was if I’m being honest. We went to the waterpark for our first day and I just didn’t really find myself attracted to her. I also thought she was a more confident person on first impression and more extroverted, but as I got to know her a little bit more, I recognize from the things that she said how she does still struggle with insecurities, and generally isn’t that extroverted or social. And I recognize that in my mind it more drifts towards Oh. I can fix that rather than it be something where I feel like wow that’s like admirable and I would like to be more like that. I also feel like she heavily depends on the friend group that she has, and that’s kind of it. She’s also pretty introverted according to her and doesn’t feel like that up with the kind of person that is best for me. I also feel like she is trying hard to get me to like her, which is nice, but at the same time it feels like it’s almost like she feels like I’m out of her league. And I kind of feel that way in someway. And I feel like myself I am settling for someone that is a really bad sign, enough for me to seriously reconsider everything. Especially this early on. I know that I’m also just not really feeling good so everything would be great, but I find myself almost avoiding her texts or dreading them. I find myself thinking about Moore and More how I can reject her or let her down easily with the minimal amount of pain to her. And I find more and more reasons to call it off rather than to continue. I think I will go on a second date, but I really don’t know if I see this as a relationship.

It sucks both because I feel bad for her, because I think she is really cool and personality wise. I think we get along pretty well, but I just can’t help myself from not really feeling attracted to her or being interested in her in that way. And I wish I could, but at the same time I still feel like I’m settling, and I feel like it would be one of those things where I would feel like I am punching down in someway. I just feel like if I have the option to swap lives with her I would never make that choice. And I feel like the fact that I don’t even consider that for a second makes me concerned. And I feel like a shitty person, even though I know that I’m kind of writing this to no one, but it really does feel like I am out of her league. I hate how much I’m stating that, but I guess it’s because I feel like I haven’t yet found the words to convey it in a way that I feel happy with. And I feel really vain and shallow, but I just don’t find myself interested in her, and it feels more like she is someone who wouldn’t really have a separate life aside for me that I would find fascinating. I feel like she meets a lot of the criteria for some of the basics I’m looking for, like kindness, a level of independence, and humor to some extent. But when I think about someone coming along in the future, that really does line up with a lot of the things that I want rather than the necessities, I feel like I would want to be with them rather than my existing partner if I decided to date K. And that is fucked up and not the kind of situation I would want to be in, and the fact that I don’t feel like K is that person to begin with is enough of an indication that I should listen to that. I still want to at least go in a second date and talk with my therapist, of course, but I feel like I’m more and more making up my mind.

I’m really tired and so short post, but we had Our first date today! All Things considered it ended up being eight hours, and I’m not like super overjoyed with myself for it being that long because I really wanted to be intentional with not confusing, intimacy with intensity, and we did talk a little bit about trauma dumping topics, which is also not great but we talked about a lot of other stuff and so I’m really happy with how the date went. I also find myself pacing things a little bit better at least than it happened in the past so I am happy with that. And I really do. Think she’s a cool person and I find her funny and easy to talk to. There are a lot of things that are green flags, and a couple beige ones. Here’s to hoping.

I need to go to sleep so that I can be properly rested for my date tomorrow, but I guess I just wanted to mention how I was talking with J And I mentioned how if I wanted to be like unreasonable and say if she wanted to she would, there was a specific thing she could offer to do, but that was like a joke because I thought it was way too unreasonable to expect that out of someone, and when I looked at my text messages she had offered that. In the grand scheme of things it’s not like anything mind-boggling, I guess, but very much made me feel. Like I was valued and respected, and that she kind of reciprocated effort which matters so much to me. We also talked about some things about trust and how much our word means to us, and we’re both aligned there. I’m really optimistic. But at the same time, if it doesn’t work, I will live and I want to remind myself of that because I want to actively choose this person not just feel like I need a relationship and so I will take it.

We were texting and I found out that she was high. The first day I met her, and that that’s something that she does pretty often. It’s not the end of the world, and I had an ex that was a huge stoner. But that’s not really something that I would like you know? And so it kind of does suck but at the same time, everyone has their vices, and so I cannot be too upset or anything like that. I also kind of noticed I’m waiting for her messages and I’m texting her a lot, especially during work, which maybe isn’t great, and I think it’s pretty obvious it really isn’t great. We have our first date in two days and I should not be talking with her this frequently. Additionally, I kind of noticed that I felt lonely today because I didn’t go to the normal social events that I do and I instead played games with my friends, which is not the worst, but overall I guess I was just a little bit socially less saturated than normal, and so I want to make sure that I’m not slipping up and leaving myself into a situation where it might become codependent again.

I talked a lot with K today, and it seems like she is somewhat struggling with Her journey with mental health, and it seems like she very much has a lot of it under control, but I guess I’m a little bit scared because when I think about my own experience, I very much needed a lot of time and growth from where I started, but I also don’t think that that’s a universal assumption I can make. I will say I am a little bit worried or anxious about us being compatible sexually if I’m being honest, and I worry about potentially a mismatch there.

We decided to go to a waterpark for our first date this Saturday! This heat wave is killer and so I’m super excited for it. I also noticed that I find myself getting more and more enamored with her, and it feels more and more right.

I asked K on a date! In five days from now we are going on our first date. When I sent the text asking her, I was pacing around my house and I was bursting with energy. When I saw that she liked the message from the notification, I screamed even though there’s food in my mouth, and I jumped almost a foot in the air involuntarily. I haven’t felt this anxiety in a good way in a long time. And I’m kind of scared if I’m being honest. I talked with my therapist today about how I don’t feel the super intense spark that comes from super accelerated intimacy, and I know that that’s a good thing and that’s healthy, but it’s kind of scary because this is unknown in a way. It feels like I have been drinking energy drinks my entire life, and this is the first time I’m trying a normal drink. Nothing is wrong with it at all, and the energy drinks constantly are not healthy or good for me, but I don’t feel the same rush. And I guess it’s just kind of scary because I almost don’t know what to look for if that makes sense. She has hit basically all of the realistic criteria I could hope for in a partner, and of course I am planning on going on dates and getting to know her better to be able to more accurately judge that, but I guess it’s scary because it’s unknown in this sense. There’s ambiguity and the brain doesn’t like that. But I do find myself falling more and more for her.