An Open Letter

A digital journal

We went ice skating and talked for about two hours. After that, we ended up wanting to talk more and just went driving and exploring for a few more hours. I felt incredibly comfortable around them, and I really enjoyed their presence. There are some fears I have I guess, but that’s to be expected. I feel like I’m somewhat entering the unknown, this could go several different ways – but also a rich life is better than a safe one I think.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am a bit nervous about the uncertainty of dating this person, especially with my fear of having an incredibly good relationship that ends up becoming codependent.

S – Maintain boundaries and don’t put all my eggs into one person.

T – Hang out with other friends, like S and L and S and L lol.

MFW I bag a bad bitch (cute funny and clever) by being a silly goose. We have our first date today, and I’m incredibly excited to meet her in person, as she seems like she hits all of my desires in a partner. I can’t wait to see where this goes.

I was up late last night texting with her, and so this morning I slept in. After that I had martial arts, and right after that I went and worked out for like two hours. And then immediately went on a pretty long walk (~2 hours-ish?) and came home ready to sit down and enjoy resting my tired feet. It was a great day. I also had a lot of good thoughts, and I even ended up doing some CBT while out and walking. I am optimistic for the future.

Oh yeah, I was listening to an exurb1a video again, and there was a very poetically beautiful line I liked “Even ogres can tend beautiful gardens”. I think there’s a very nice set of insight there, and I may write about it some other time. I was a bit concerned that since this blog typically talks about negative things this may reflect on me in a biased way – but this serves to be something for me to I guess vent to no one about, and to spur on thoughts on things to potentially address in therapy all in the interests of self-growth. I am happy, and I do think a good reason why is because I allow myself to put any sadness down here, instead of carrying it around with me.

R – 3 breaths

E – I was a bit insecure about my friendships, and the lack of close intimacy recently has let anxiety sow its seeds in the spaces.

S – These thoughts have no basis to stand on, and so are wonderful things to contest. Doing CBT in the moment was a great idea, but also I want to pick them apart and understand them more in therapy today.

T – I wrote them down, and I will talk about them tomorrow in therapy.

Good night, and just because I don’t say this every time I want you to know I really do love you. I’m proud of the work you’ve done, and the resolve you have to improve yourself and grow into a person you are proud of. Good job, keep it up.

“The longer you struggle with a problem, the less likely you are to understand the problem”

It feels counterintuitive to me at least, but it’s incredibly rational – if you understand a problem the more likely you are to have moved past it. This kinda opened my eyes to a lot of things, especially the core problems I’ve struggled with for long periods of my life. The big thing that comes to mind immediately is the struggle to accept the fact I may be loved. I know that this is an incredibly sensitive topic that’s plagued me since childhood, but maybe I can consider the fact that I am understanding or viewing it fundamentally wrong.

I had a nice date(?) with K, we went exploring places and had a great conversation for two hours. I also think that was incredibly valuable as I got a bit more experience, even if we aren’t looking for a relationship. I am able to understand that things aren’t as hard as my mind tries to trick me into.

I’m also talking to someone who feels like me. I know that I was somewhat upset in the past when I originally met S because it felt like they were someone who was very similar to me, but they were taken, and it worked perfectly as ammunition for my own insecurities and fears to try to convince me that anyone I’d feel compatible with is taken, but I like to think about it more like “hey, here’s someone I get along with incredibly well. That means there are more people like that out there!” (Also just for my own piece of mind, I need to reinforce the fact that I am fully PLATONIC with S, since I found out they were in a relationship). With this new person, we have a lot of coincidences, even having the same diagnosis (allegedly). We also share an incredible amount of similarities, almost to the point where I’m skeptical. But nothing ventured nothing gained!

R – 3 breaths

E – I am a bit worried that this is too good to be true, with the similarities mentioned and other compatibility things. I guess I am seeing remnants of T, especially with the focus on privacy at least before the first date.

S – Just be aware of it, but also don’t be overly cautious to the point of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

T – Enjoy the date!

I had some bad dreams last night, and I guess I've been just not feeling too good for a while. Right now I'm feeling pretty sad about S and L. I feel like they're both way closer to each other than me, and I feel kinda pushed away. But maybe that push is just my depression. I can't help but think about the things they do together that I've asked them about or tried to do and it's always failed. I'm also thinking about the several times they've talked about videos they send each other while I miss out. L also didn't have my contact saved after I had asked a few times. They also don't really ever send me things that happen for them, like S got their piercing and didn't even mention it till a few days later. I feel a lot of shame when I want to share things or want to tell them things because the feeling doesn't seem mutual. And that hurts me a lot more than id like to admit. I find myself wanting to pull away, as I just keep getting the feeling like they don't see me the way I see them. It feels like I'm not someone they think about, but more as a friend out of convenience. I don't know what to do if I'm honest.

Tell me how I managed to stay up an extra 1.5 hours past when I planned while playing Factorio, all while watching Snowfall. Crack squared I guess. I love it.

R – 3 breaths

E – L didn’t have my phone number saved in their contacts, and it kinda does hit a sore spot because of E. But also, we don’t use SMS/calling often and it may not be as much as an important thing to them, so I shouldn’t let it get to me.

S – Not care about it, I guess I can’t be happy that it finally happened either as that would mean it has weight.

T – Be consciously aware of this and stop your mind from making any logical jumps.

I feel a lot better, by either tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I should be fully recovered I hope. I wanted to write a little bit today about something that irked me.

I made a casual comment about how I was sad I haven’t worked out two days in a row, because of having to go to the urgent care and then just letting myself rest today. S seemed fairly concerned because I know that they have problems with guilt for skipping the gym. But I did mention how for me it’s because I know that I quit things incredibly easily, and so I have to be very diligent to not break habits. It didn’t feel like they were getting it and seemed like they were being overly cautious on my behalf. I found myself getting somewhat defensive, so I took a moment to think about it. One fairly insightful thing I realized was I was behaving this way because I was afraid of the opposite potentially being true, but also I don’t think I can confidently believe something if I have never entertained the opposite thought.

I know for me that activation energy and motivation are incredibly scarce resources. Especially when I get depressed, I have been known to neglect a lot of important things for myself. I couldn’t count on my hands how many things I’ve dropped and given up on. Because of that, I know that I need to be very aware of how I work, and so I nearly never let myself skip something more than once. Once I do that, the habit is very close to being broken, and then it’s monumentally hard for me to resume. I don’t need someone to be soft or gentle with me, that complacency is what leads me to rot in bed and spiral. I need someone to drag me out of bed and make me do the things good for me, and that person ends up being me.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel defensive about this topic, as they don’t understand that what they’re doing is bad for me

S – They don’t understand my situation and they are saying what helps them for their own situation. There’s nothing malicious about this, I’ve been guilty of this several times before also. I want to be a strong person, and so this gives me an opportunity to practice taking this and not listening to it, for my own wellbeing.

T – I will be grateful and respectful, but also not listen to their advice to go easy on myself and let myself skip things, as I know that will destroy my mental health.

I feel like shit, this flu/infection is miserable. It’s transitioned into my ears now and this pressure and pain is fucking horrible. Oh well, I just want to distract myself so I’m going to get this over with.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel like shit from this sickness.

S – I want to recover quickly, so let me eat enough food and also get a lot of rest.

T – Let me eat and get ready for bed, I’ll skip meditation today.

Overwatch is also on Steam, so S installed it. We dragged L into a few games and lost all of them. It was a wonderful night.

I also got to hang out with S again, and I definitely feel better after that. I think I’ve just been isolated for a bit and a perfect storm of several things that negatively affect me.

“When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not.”

― Richard Kadrey, Aloha from Hell

R – 3 breaths

E – I don’t have much work this quarter, and I will go insane.

S – Start learning or doing projects that you’ve been putting off, like game hacking, CTFs, editing, music production, react etc.

T – I’ll go ahead and start concretely laying out that choreo I’ve been planning forever.

I find it kind of beautiful that Eden’s first album was called End Credits. I ended up listening to crash several times on loop once it came on from autoplay. I guess the feeling I’ve been struck with for the last few days was like a glass bottle in freefall. The crash eventually came, and it wasn’t horribly bad or anything like that. But it did come.

So many emotions hit me at once.

I wrote something down to talk about tomorrow at therapy – my first gut reaction to a certain thought was “if I was good enough at music I think they’d love me”. I need to preemptively clear up any potential misunderstanding – I don’t mean love in the romantic sense at all. But I just was washed over with the wave of thinking if I was able to play or make beautiful things then maybe I’d be deserving of platonic love. I find it pretty painful to think about how – I guess scratch that. I feel like it’s a painful thing to think that the only reason I could be loved is by proving value. I don’t know why that’s such an ingrained thing in me, maybe because all the love I received as a child was conditional. I never really heard my dad say I love you, or at least I don’t remember any times where he did growing up. The only praise I ever heard was an occasional “good job” when I’d do good in grades, or tennis. The more I think about it, it always felt kinda automatic. Like I could have said “I got an A-” and he would have said good job the same way as if I got the highest score. I guess it always felt like I was chasing after his validation that I never got, and it wasn’t like he was there often anyway. I still find myself sad about the fact that he wasn’t there for my graduation. I told him that I wouldn’t care and it was fine for him to miss it for work, but even then I knew I wanted him there. I guess I set myself up for a trap hoping that he would somehow cancel his business trip to stay and watch me graduate highschool. Well I walked right into the trap I had set, and I can’t ever change that. I think he would have came if I asked him to.

I remember one time I started keeping track of how long it would take until my Mom said “I love you”. It’s pointless to include my dad in that as he didn’t say that anyways. In highschool when I did that it turned out to be around a year long. She finally said I love you while hugging me while I was leaving the car after I had resolved another fight she had started, and it was her way I guess of apologizing for the hurt she caused again. Every day in highschool felt like a blur, but that day especially felt like a void. I think it was irreparable damage for me to have no one to talk to or have going through all that shit growing up. When it rains it pours.

I remember one time I told J how I wanted a hug in some way or other, and she told me “Ok! The next day when I see you at school I’ll give you a big hug”. I remember I felt like crying that day, just seeing that text. The next day when she hugged me, my body fully shut down and I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t remember what it felt like the second it stopped. I couldn’t even show emotion. I felt like such a broken person for that being my response to that. I guess I would have hoped I would have broken down crying in some ways, but the rational part of my brain quips back up again to refute that.

I’m incredibly grateful I met S, T, L, M, B, and even Y. I’m glad I had an online group of friends, they are kinda who I consider as my family. I guess I see a lot of parallels when people talk about family stuff, like them doing bad things but at the end of the day you forgive them and make up – after all they’re family right? I think it’s kinda sad to say this to be honest, because I don’t think those people see things the same way. Maybe T. But I guess I never really got to know what it’s like to have a family, so maybe we experienced the same thing. But to me it mattered so much more. I love them all.

It’s crazy how a song can tie me back in more ways than one. Whenever I hear pride, I think about sitting on the bathroom floor in San Diego for hours on end. I used to play that song on loop. Whenever I hear that song I somehow come back to seeing me in my studio apartment laying awake at night staring at the roof. God, how lonely things must have been before Hash.

I’m a bit – scratch that plenty envious of S and L. I keep thinking about them moving in together and being able to just constantly interact with each other. I know I’ve tried to process reasons why it wouldn’t be feasible for me to live with them, but I guess now I’m just envious of them both. I feel like I’m an abrasive person in some ways, I’m too specialized in my niches growing up that I find it hard to share common ground with N. I’m jealous of L for that, she has a connection over history or something. I think this isn’t a problem with N specifically, but more a sentiment I feel fairly often. I feel like it’s hard for me to meet people who get it. Like in a weird way, see it all happening around them and want to punch back against it. God knows what I’m saying at this point, I’m tired and I’ve been rambling without a filter for a while.

I know I told myself I wouldn’t consider it until I hit my 1k goal, and I did hit that. So I guess I’m free to think about it again. I don’t think I want to right now, just out of habit of not considering it. But I do think that if I could lay down on the floor and dissolve like a pill, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. I guess I am depressed. Pretty badly so, huh? I went and looked at that guide again, and I guess I have been making that joke a lot recently. I’ve been almost instinctively saying “be honest do you want me to kill myself” or saying those kinds of jokes. I hope I just find them funny. I remember last year skipping a lecture because I planned to do it, how dark of a time that was. I think I ended up just walking to the back roads behind the rec cen and just crying in the field looking out on the airport lake. I’m glad I’m not there, or anywhere close to that now – but I’m a bit scared of the direction I feel. I don’t want to concern anyone, I am just rambling anyway. I’m barely lucid enough to process the sentence I’m writing, I can’t even remember what I just said. Thoughts really are just swarming me.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel myself going downwards, or at least walking around that basin. Let me come away from that.

S – Let me stop listening to Eden, and listen to a bit more uptempo music again.

T – I will skip this song and go to a higher pace song.

Dear lord this must have been some sort of divine punishment. It was fun.

R – 3 breaths

E – I find myself again envious of someone for something I don’t really want.

S – Recognize the hypocrisy of the situation, and be a bit more reasonable with the fact that it is something I could have, but I consistently choose against it.

T – Give yourself a pat on the back and recognize the trap.