An Open Letter

I hosted a game night again tonight, and I had 11 other people over. Honestly I didn’t feel like I had a great time, I think it’s fair to say I had a good time, but I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time and effort hosting and organizing this event And afterwards I kind of just wonder about why I even do it in the first place. I feel kind of socially isolated when I have to host the games because of the nature of it, and I know that G offered to run one of the games which is really nice but also a lot of information I’m not sure I can just give it to someone and have them understand instantly. I guess I also did focus a little bit too much on the game itself rather than conversations outside of it, but I also do feel like the people that came were almost a majority of people that are kind of difficult to talk with, they don’t make jokes, they aren’t really good conversationally, and mostly are just useful as side characters for a lack of better word. It also kind of feels shitty because people wanted to drink and so they drink the alcohol that I had, a wine bottle and the rest of my beers. And no one even tried to make a gesture bringing anything, or even offering to pay payback for the stuff that they drank. J did say that he would buy me another case of beer in five weeks or something like that I didn’t really hear. At the end of the night everyone left, and a couple kind of awkward/obligatory thank yous for inviting them, and only J texted me to say thank you for hosting. I then had to go and clean up everything myself when I was still hungry, tired, and my feet are killing me from walking around most of the event. I had to go through and do all the dishes and put away all of the things that people went through. J asked me if she could have some sour patch kids because she knew that I had a bag, and that was completely OK. S went and took just the blue ones from the bag and was really disrespectful about it and completely acted entitled. And I remembered the fact that that bag of sour patch kids was from the first present E gave me during our relationship. And it hits me now because I think about how my last birthday I didn’t really have many of the friends that I do now so it’s not fair, but I did have friends then. And did any of them get me anything for my birthday? No. Hell I think most of them didn’t even tell me happy birthday. And I just feel like I have been doing so many of the right things, I have been this social hub, I’ve fought to make myself the person that I am, and it feels like I do so much and I try so much and at the end of the day it isn’t enough. Like fuck. I really try my best to be loved. Or at least I try really hard to be. And I think about how in obsession there is the scene where she holds him while he dies from overdose suicide. And she desperately doesn’t want that to be the case, and I just couldn’t help but think about how no one would do that for me. And I know that’s not true to some extent, but my brain is still just reminding me about how I don’t really feel like I get the love I deserve. And I feel like it’s a shitty thing to even expect to deserve some amount of love, but I can’t help but sometimes see people online that have everything that I dreamed of when I was a kid. They have these friends around them that are super sweet and thoughtful, and they can have these birthday parties where the other people want to be there, to the point where they would even want to organize it for them. And I can’t help but feel like my entire life I had to fight to convince people to care about me in a way that just seems so inherently effortless for others. And I can’t feel like I don’t know what they did to deserve it that I didn’t. And the worst thing is I know that a lot of this just comes down to childhood, people grew up learning that they inherently just deserve to be loved, because that’s what their parents showed them. And then it’s an even bigger slap to my face because what the fuck did I do to not deserve it. And it just ends with a thought I was just a kid. And it makes me want to cry when I think about the fact that it feels like all of these other people just get to take this for granted, having friends, having these friend groups, not having to fucking fight for it, not having to like consciously work incredibly hard towards it. And I’m tired. I’m tired that I’ve had to do this shit as long as I can remember, and I’m glad that I do it and I’m glad that I’m not fully alone and completely just powerless, but I also wish that the world was a little bit more fair. And I know that a lot of these troubles and friction has been given to me in return for having these strengths now. And I know that these are some of the things that make me the person that I am in a way that a lot of people are envious of or admire me for. But it hurts. And I feel myself tearing up as I say these words with voice to text. But I don’t like the fact that I always feel different. I don’t like all of this constant second Justin trying to figure out this social contract that so many people got to have taught to them as a kid. And yes I’m glad that I’m a high achiever and I’m glad that I have the financial support from my dad, and I’m glad that I’m smart, but I’m also really hurt by the fact that what it feels like the most important thing in life, human connection, is the thing that I’m fucked over for. It feels like everyone else gets to coast at a natural level, while I have to constantly run to keep up. And it’s gotten easier I think, it feels like it does even take effort for others. And it feels like I’m putting in so much work for such a little reward when I see the people that are born fortunate. And I know that it’s hypocritical to say that because plenty of people would say the exact same thing towards me. I’ve had so many people tell me about how it’s unfair how I’m naturally good at so many different things. I’ve had so many people tell me about different traits that they wish they could have that I get to have. I know that I’m so incredibly exceptionally fortunate and people would kill to swap lives with me. But I feel like the chemical defect that has been passed out to me, it makes it such a shitty hand, because even though I’m winning the game, I’m somewhat doomed. I think about how there are so many people that have much worse circumstances, and yet there are people that really do not want to die. And here I am in my castle, and my entire life I’ve been dealing with thoughts of suicide. And in a way I kind of take comfort in it because it’s always like a justification that I have something to complain about because if I’m willing to kill myself over it, that is more than what most people are willing to do to get away from it. Can I think about how my grandma commit suicide recently even though she’s similarly has so many things people would kill for. And that condition has been passed down to me. And on top of it a lot of the generational trauma has also been passed down to me. And I know that I’ve been given a lot of the tools to help fight it that my predecessors have not had, but a lot of my peers don’t have to fight it either.

I wish someone could truly acknowledge everything that I’ve done. How hard I’ve fought. How much I’ve done and given to become the person that I am now. And I know that it is virtually impossible for anyone to be able to understand all of it. And I know that it’s unreasonable to hope that someone can recognize any of it. But it feels like I’ve tried so fucking hard and when I want to die it feels like I have nothing to show for it. And it scares me because I’m not suicidal right now, but at the same time I had a thought popping into my head where if I owned a gun I would not be opposed to just killing myself. And I guess here I should employ one of the things my therapist recently told me which is when I have one of these thoughts that feels irrational, just ignore it until tomorrow, because I know that there’s a lot of different factors going on right now that caused my depression to get worse, and if it is a real thought it will still be here tomorrow. Because my brain started thinking about suicide again let me do a skill.

S: I hosted this event and I had to deal with people taking it for granted, a lot of shitty responses that made it difficult for me to host, and no help afterwards or really recognition.

T: I do so much and it’s fully taken for granted and I’m exhausted of this. And it’s not fair that I have to do all this additional stuff by myself.

F: I feel helpless, desperate, alone, and exhausted.

B: I host events less, I undo a lot of the social connections that I have been building up by doing this work, and I isolate myself more.

T: yes it is a lot of additional work that I do, and in the future I can ask for more help. I also have control over the people that I want to invite. There are people that I really do enjoy interacting with and I can spend more time with people like that. Additionally it’s not completely that I have to do these things, it’s the fact that I get to do these things. I get to have a house that I clean, I get to have a table that I have to re-organize, I get to have drinks that I can give to people. I am not forced to do any of these things against I will, and I have control over them.

F: still tired, but I feel less powerless.

B: maybe I take a break from hosting big events with low ROI people. I still however feel in control and I get to socialize at will.

I feel better after just venting like this, and also doing the CBT chart. I should start brushing now and go to bed. Thank you for doing the CBT chart though and the skill.

I want to get back into creating stuff, and so I think I’m going to dedicate Saturdays to making something. I think about how J. Cole mentioned his six minute drill, where he would make a song in six minutes. I’m hoping that I take two or three hours on a Saturday to make some thing from start to finish. If I want to take more time than that then absolutely go ahead with that. But I think making something with such a wonderful use of my time. Even if the thing I made today was a really fucking stupid thirst trap with me data moshing from a cowboy into a cow-boy. No further questions lol.

I watched the movie obsession today with some friends, and while I knew that it was a horror movie, and that there were several dark topics, I didn’t expect there to be a scene where, spoiler, he tried to commit suicide in the bathroom with pills. I don’t like to really use this word or admit it I guess, but I think I got triggered by that. Immediately felt like the depression part of my brain started to take over, and aggressively. When it got to the part where she was holding him crying as he dies in her arms, I couldn’t help but remind myself about how no one would do that for me. I know it’s also not true but it was just such a dominating thought in my head. I remembered how I tried to kill myself the same way, and I just physically started to shut down. The movie ended, and people started getting up and the lights turned on, but I couldn’t help myself but stare at the screen and not move. I started to panic a little bit because I knew that my friends would want to talk or something like that and I would’ve be able to because I was frozen and I kept trying to get myself to break out of it, but I would not. After I dropped off my friend, I just kind of sat there numb, and I had to consciously not do anything reckless while driving back. It honestly hurt to watch that scene.

I’m showering in my nice shower, and My phone is really low, So nothing really today. I also apologize for all random capitalization, that is a quirk of how I type with voice to text and I’m honestly too easy to correct it.

Today I hung out with J! While driving home I was thinking about something, specifically that quote about how life has its way of making sure that everyone drinks its equal share from the cup of misery. Both people in relationships, and people not in relationships still manage to find misery in different ways. And I feel like anecdotally in life I have felt the same. I think there have been very degrees, but even when things my life are going pretty much perfect, I have a fair share of misery, and when things are significantly worse than that I have a comparable share of misery. I think there are obvious counterpoints of this innocence that once I do address a lot of my fundamental needs I do feel like life is pretty damn great, like right now I feel happy in life. But that aside, I think there is an argument to make about the fact that you might not be able to optimize away misery from life. Like after all, even now when I feel like my life is in the best spot it’s ever been in arguably, I was suicidal just a few weeks ago. And I don’t think that sounds pretty ideal if I’m being honest lol. But so the interesting conclusion comes from thinking about if you cannot optimize for avoiding misery, is there a point of really anything at all. And I think that maybe the point is to aim to optimize happiness, instead of learning from misery. In a way that I cannot verbalize I see this different from hedonism, because I think this is not the blind pursuit, but rather the understanding that even if you do the right things you will still have your fair sheriff misery in life. There are the obvious things, like people around you dying, or life circumstances that you cannot control, but including that there are things like maybe choosing the wrong partner or having to go down a certain path to learn a lesson in life. I think it is inevitable that you will face this type of misery in life, and maybe it isn’t worth it to take that as a signal of something going wrong. Maybe we should just try to play as much as possible and enjoy life where we can.

Today was the first day of my business trip that I get to spend with someone and I hung out with A like I normally do. It was a wonderful time as always, and you’re the end of the night I told him about how he is my gold standard of humor in a person, and how I don’t think that is a reasonable goal. He also mentioned that he felt the same which I thought was sweet. I’m just so incredibly grateful that I got to know him, and that I get to have him as a lifelong friend.

I thought about it and this is actually the second time in San Jose since the breakup, and it’s a little bit ironic that I’m explicitly mentioning this but I feel like I have reclaimed San Jose in my mind because it does not hurt me. I’m excited to see my friends and I ate a ton of sushi for dinner because it is all work expensed. There was someone from college that was apparently in the area and I found out through sheer coincidence since we hadn’t talked in a long time, and she wanted to hook up with me and I said no and I’m gonna proud of myself for that, because I feel like in my mind sex is something that is kind of sacred in the sense of something loving and caring that you get to do with someone, rather than just satisfying some primal need, or something that society pressures you to do as a form of value.

I figured out something embarrassing that I’m surprisingly going to reserve away from notarizing. But with this I was incredibly productive and cleaned my mirrors, the bathroom counters, did all of my laundry, vacuumed upstairs and downstairs, cleaned the kitchen and organized all the stuff there, finally packed away several of the boxes that have been here since I first moved in, cleaned up and organized the upstairs island, put away clothing that I haven’t put away since getting, clean the bathrooms, and a few other things I don’t remember right now. I’m really proud of myself.

I just came back from the underscores concert with friends! I had a great time.

I forgot that earlier today While doing an American ninja warrior practice thingy for fun with a friend, I got a text from A saying that she thinks we’re looking for different things and a paragraph alongside that. I think she started to catch feelings and since I’m not interested in anything other than being friends, she cut things off which is completely fine. It’s not like we were super close friends and it’s not like there was anything other than that, and so that’s completely fine by me, and I’m glad I find this out now rather than later lol. I think it’s a pretty good signal I no longer seem to fall for the people that are accessible to me, and willing to go very fast. The people that feel like an earlier version of me that I could fix no longer excite me which is a good thing. There’s not a time other than the fact that I think it’s a good thing.. It’s also nice that I’ve been having so much email attention, because it makes me feel more confident in my desirability, and then it’s just a question of waiting for someone good for me.

I also think that news was a bit of a weird problem, with me feeling like I need to have an interesting life to others, because when I think about trying to condense my life into a sentence of what I did this weekend or if I try to describe myself on a dating app, I feel like there is this pressure that I put on myself to have a life that other people look at and think wow, he is always doing such interesting things. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I didn’t really feel that way especially while I was with my ex. I kind of dread the question about what did I do on a specific day, because it would mainly consist of things like going to the gym and then gaming. My weekends would consist of pretty much the same things, and I would have a goal of doing at least one thing with people a week. And now I have a problem of my weekends being too busy and trying to find time for myself. Even throughout the week, more days than I am out of the house doing things. But additionally I feel like there’s a pressure that I’ve made up to have interesting things that I can say, like how I can say that I would do a concert or how I try out the American ninja warrior obstacles. And I kind of consciously think about it, and I know that I’ve had friends both new and old tell me about how I’m always doing some kind of side quest, and how I’m so busy, which is I guess what I want. But I wonder how much of it is because I feel like this is something that is wanted by a potential partner and I want to convey all of these different values of someone who has interesting life. And I guess there’s a shame to the alternative in my eyes, like the thought of admitting that I kind of just do the same things every week, and that I am mostly just staying at home or things like that. The thought of not having an exciting life feels like something to look down on for just me.

I’ve started to really look for a tattoo artist, I had a consultation today. It didn’t really go well because I didn’t like how sketchy her place was, but I thought a little bit more about the kind of Tattoo. I think it’s a weird mixture of both wanting to get something that people would find attractive, but also wanting something that is for me. And I’m not really sure if I would regret any design or something like that. I don’t think I would but I also wanna be careful.