Money where my mouth is
A told me last week how S invited them to a softball game, and I didn't really want to hear that. The thought I wanted to get out of my head by writing down was how a part of me wants to say that S chose A over me in the breakup – which feels bad given the context I know that I can't really write here in good conscience. I remember when we broke up I asked A to let me have S as a friend and they agreed, but it kinda feels like the opposite happened. The depression wants me to think that A forced her hand, or that S made a conscious decision to prioritize her. I know these thoughts are irrational so I don't give them much thought.
But I think the important part is putting my money where my mouth is; I was talking with R and she mentioned how she sometimes struggles with jealousy over her partner, and how in theory my take is if your partner would cheat, then that isn't the partner you would want. I also immediately acknowledged how for me that only works in theory. To a different extent I think that applies here however.
Independent of cause or scenario, I think I have lost solid amount of feedback on what my relationship with S looks like. I asked them if they wanted to do something for deltopia and they agreed, but and we didn't really communicate and we did different things. Also it's not like we communicate much or frequently given the 2 day delay. So we work out once a week, and if that doesn't happen we don't need to reschedule. It's a pretty low stakes friendship, and so that's the mental model I need to work under. Do I think it would be nice to hang out and do stuff? Yes – but that's given the very important context of them wanting to do that past the barrier for initiating. And so if that's not the case, it doesn't really make sense to hold it in my mind.
I think this reads very negative or passive aggressive, but I really don't hold any negative feelings towards S. I'm just surprised how my brain latched onto this information. Realistically it's just some variation of abundance. S is plenty busy and her social niches are met, and so proximity and frequency of interaction probably accounts for invitation. Like I love A to death, when he came last Friday it was fucking awesome, we spent like the whole day together. I love hanging out with him, but also I have other more accessible friends right now like T and E, and so I do things with them. This parallel makes me also feel like this dynamic for me exists because of the low maintenance for A. If he was more needy or a shaky relationship, it wouldn't look like this. So a nice thought is thats my situation with S also. It's not like I'll get upset at S and make passive aggressive comments about plans or try to force myself in. And so if I was in her shoes the relationship is stable. And so isn't that great? After all it's not like I'm unsatisfied with my social connection right now. So I have to have anxiety and ask if I'm happy and they're happy what's the issue? All that's really weighing on me is the past relationship we had but things change. If things never changed, things would have never changed. I really like that quote because of how stupid it sounds. I'm glad I wrote about this because I feel better now! God what a strange thing to be a brain and to have thoughts and change so easily.