Today, E broke up with me. I’ve spent the day calling her mom, my friends, and sobbing. I’m going to write out letters to her here that I won’t send her.
I’ve gone through denial and anger already today. I’m right now in bargaining. But I don’t feel that way; I feel genuine with what I have to say. I am praying that what she said and what happened was not truly what she felt. Overnight, it went from I love you, to an explosion of wanting to break up. I think it was cruel of her to ambush me by bringing three of her roommates to my house to grab her stuff, especially right before my work meeting. I don’t think that’s like her; she is kind and empathetic, and wouldn’t do some of the things she did that were excessively cruel. I am praying so hard that this isn’t actually true, but that this really is just her spiraling last night. I don’t want her to feel this way, and to feel this shitty and scared, partially because of me. I don’t think that it’s necessarily something I’m doing wrong, but I think it’s more the stuff that she is struggling with that I can help with. I know it’s not my job to I guess handle her feelings, but I love her and we are a team. I don’t want to think of a world where that’s not the case. That’s my E. I look out for her and she looks out for me. We’re in this together. Fuck I’m tearing up typing that. It kills me to think about a world where we aren’t together, but I both know that I will be ok in that world, and I just pray that she is too. I want the best for her. We have talked a lot about how it hurts her how she feels so much guilt at always being the one to fuck up and hurt me, and how I don’t fuck up the same. I don’t know how I can make her feel better about that but I will try. I love her a lot. I don’t want her to hurt. If she’s been hurting I just want to understand why and figure out how I can love her without hurting her. I’m at such a loss because I don’t know what to do. I’m not often religious but I want to beg to any higher power that she thinks of how the good times are, and how much we mean to eachother.
If I could speak to her right now, I would tell her that I’m sorry, but I cannot tell her I won’t hurt her in some way or another. If I could, if I knew what I could do to not hurt her like that, I would in a heartbeat. All I can promise is that I care about your pain just as much as mine, and I will do whatever I can to make you feel safe and secure with me. What happened hurts, but the thought of not having you in my life hurts even more. I know I am not perfect, and I know you are not perfect. You’re still my person. I know I can ask for a lot, and I’m sorry. I know I also struggle with my emotions sometimes, and know that you do too. I also know that you make me feel heard and seen and safe in so many different ways that I haven’t felt before. I apologize for not being more grateful for you. I’m realizing now that I haven’t been nearly as vocal with how much I love her, I only tell her when she is feeling like not enough. But you are so much more than enough to me E. I want to write a list of all of the things that I love about her, and things I should have said.
I love playing arena with you, and I love seeing how hyped you get when you clutch for us.
I think it’s so cute when I complain about doing bulgarians, but I take it as such a point of pride that my girlfriend has that dog in her.
The child in me swells with so much joy that I can’t express it when you ask to play chess with me. I know that it’s not fun to lose every game, even with odds, but you still take pride in it, and you’ve initiated that every time. I really love playing chess with you. I love seeing you get better so quickly and figure out things by yourself that I had to learn from someone else.
I know that it’s not a fun feeling to have someone critique your gameplay, but VOD reviewing your Lillia game was a memory I truly cherish.
Designing things has always been something really hard for me to do. My Minecraft builds always look like shit, and any time I try to make it look decent, I feel ashamed because it looks like what you probably built when you were 10. But our Minecraft world together is by far the most beautiful base I’ve ever seen. I know you’ve put in a lot of effort into designing it in your creative world, getting inspiration on Pinterest, and actually building it for us.
I like to give you shit for color-coding our chests, but I think it’s really cute.
I love the fact that I can give you shit for things, and that you take it in good fun. I’ve always wanted a partner I can lovingly make fun of.
I really love how you told me the day when the shit I gave you for your 60% keyboard was getting to you. I think our communication consistently gets better each time we talk.
I love how you give me a safe place to cry. It’s really hard for me to cry, and I have been getting more and more comfortable with it, thanks to you.
I know I can be a hard person to love. I have a lot of my walls up, and I demand a lot because I don’t know what I should expect or even ask for. You make me feel loved. Even now, even with all of the mess that’s happened, I believe that you have love for me. I understand if there is too much else that overpowers that love, and I’m not trying to guilt you; I’m just saying that the love you gave me hit my heart.
I have asked a lot of you. I haven’t always been reasonable with it, and please forgive me for it. I’m not a pro when it comes to navigating relationships. I want to break down again when I think about how much I’ve asked of you, and how it isn’t fair. I’ve piled things on repeatedly, and I haven’t given that same effort in acknowledging the things you’ve done, or making sure I wasn’t being unfair, and talking with you about that, not just when I’m hurting. It isn’t fair that it matters enough for me to ask that of you, regardless of your stresses, but not enough for me to talk about it when I’m not hurting and I feel good.
I loved explaining Palantir to you while we watched South Park together.
I would make a calendar of all the times I’ve taken photos of you with Hash cuddled up, sleeping together. He sits guard, watching over you when you nap.
I know we could have talked about it earlier, and I know we could have handled it differently. But over winter break, when you were in so much pain because of me, you endured it for my sake. I know that we both would do things differently, of course, but just knowing how much I meant to you.
I’ve had plenty of times where I’ve been mad or frustrated. A lot of those moments are during arguments we have. But when I see you crying or hurting, all of that anger I feel flushes out of my brain. I’m not going to comfort you because I feel like I have to, or like I’m putting my feelings aside, but genuinely because they dissolve when I see you hurting. You’re a part of me, and your pain is my pain. Immediately in that moment I think about if any of the stupid (or even not stupid reasons) I’m mad is worth you crying, and before I can form the thought the answer is no. I don’t comfort you because I have to, but because I want to.
I am so happy when you come with me to V’s events, since you’re much more cultured and refined, and that’s something I am so clueless about.
At the lunch with my boss and new teammate, I knew what to do a bit more with my fork, knife, and cloth because of you.
At 24 years old, I have finally learned that you hold cups with your right hand. All thanks to you, I don’t make a clown of myself at nicer places.
I ask so damn much of you, not just emotionally. I ask you to try different things, I’m stubborn with that sometimes – like with the beer I got at the Super Bowl event. You indulge me on them, even though you’re also stubborn. But I guess I matter more, and you don’t hold it against me.
When we went to Six Flags, I remember when I was filling up the Icee cup. I was fully in the wrong, and I wanted to fill up the cup with the straw in it or something dumb. You told me to do it the right way, and I was being a bitch about it, and I refused. That (rightfully) annoyed you, and then I went to do it, and I immediately realized I was in the wrong. I don’t think I even properly apologized, but you let it go. To be fully honest, if I were in your shoes, that would have stuck with me way longer than it did for you. You forgive me so much more easily, and I don’t acknowledge that enough.
Thanksgiving and that break time always hurt me so fucking badly. This is the first year I’ve felt like I’m happy to look back at it. It’s not fair that this is only one number. I’ve never felt more seen during this time. I couldn’t even put into words how much you gave me. I spent my whole life looking from the outside in, and you and your family brought me in. No matter what, I will forever be so grateful for that.
I have to choke back tears every time I think about the surprise birthday. I didn’t know a love like that was possible until then. I used to always think growing up about how being surprised for your birthday is such a level of love that I couldn’t even dream of. Having people who love you so much that you don’t even have to ask, and they want to go through all that effort just for you? The worst part is that if you ever ask, then it ruins some of that magic. Even if I mention that it’s something I would have wanted. I never once mentioned this to you, and it still happened. That magic is something I’ll forever hold.
I know that you had a shitty childhood. I know that you had a lot of things that held you back, like e-dating and VRChat. I can’t blame you for any of it, honestly. I would have done the same if I had access to them. I admire you so much for having that setback and still pushing so hard to become the person I see. Out of the blue, saying that you wanted to cut ties with your exes caught me so off guard. I have felt so much more secure since then, and I thank you for that. That was fully your initiative and a sign of the person you have grown from.
The picture on our server is when we watched Kakegurui, and you fell asleep on my chest. You look so calm and at peace, and I feel so insanely wanted and loved there.
It annoyed me at first when you cough with your mouth open, but it feels like an inside joke now.
I remember how much you hated 67 when I first mentioned it, and now it’s almost a ritual for us. Whenever I hear about it or see it, I think of you.
Mazdas, Cybertrucks, Buggies, Mach-E’s, Priuses. I’ve always joked about wanting a girlfriend who would hit me, but you hit pretty hard. (I still want it)
The road trip we had was such a core memory for me. I got mad at you, frustrated and overwhelmed, but I wouldn’t have wanted any other navigator. I don’t like long drives like that, but I’d gladly do that over and over again with you.
Whenever you laugh at “my hard so life,” I think it’s stupid, but then I see how much you giggle at it, and I then think it’s adorable.
I swear I fart more often and louder because of you. I’ve gone from silently farting in a separate room to mid-sentence trying to blow it as loud as possible, and I’ve never felt safer doing that.
You made me feel safe enough to do the bucket list thing.
We shit infront of each other. Can you think of that for a second? How incredibly safe and vulnerable you are with someone to do that. I wouldn’t imagine doing that with anyone but you.
The double-headed shower was fully worth it. I LOVE showers, and the fact that you let me hog the water on my back and never complain is so sweet of you. I’m glad we both get to have it now.
I think we’ve crossed the point where you’ve driven towards me for longer than I have for you. I really appreciate that so much. I know it’s not fun to make those drives, and I know that the gas costs a lot. I also know how stressful it is for you, especially at night, and you still make that drive. Thank you.
I’ve never had someone that I’ve trusted as much with Hash. He’s my everything, and I trust you with that.
When we cuddle together, I get to be in heaven with both you and Hash cuddling me. That’s truly heaven, I have no other words for it.
I found out recently that I could have gotten the bedjet for free. I was also on the fence for so long about getting a PS5, which was the same price as the bedjet. I still, in a HEARTBEAT, would get the bedjet 1000 times out of 1000. I get to cuddle up to you no matter what.
I’ve always wondered where lore from games comes, and I think it’s from people like you. Your Sims generations are so creative, and I wish I could go back and spend more time hearing about the other stories. I never even got to read the instagram, and that’s my fault, I should have been way more proactive the way that you’ve been for my interests.
Watching AoT in schezuan house will stick with me for so long. It freaks me out how some of your theories are dead on, and I think I did a good job of tricking you into thinking they weren’t. I hope you finish the show.
I know that Outer Wilds doesn’t seem fun, and I genuinely do not blame you at ALL for never having the urge to do that when we could be doing ANYTHING else. But you still did. And you even kept asking to do it, and remembering. You absolutely crushed me in showing interest in eachothers things.
You come with me to social events with people, and it’s so nice to have you as my oasis I can go to no matter what.
You’re the perfect blend of competitive, but also not to the point where I actually have to worry about your feelings if I beat you. I get to be competitive too, and I know we’re having fun.
You’ve so proudly posted me on your stories, your bios, and I really love having someone who wants to show me off like that.
I genuinely find your body so fucking attractive. Even without your personality behind it, I think you’re primarily hot to me. When you add in your personality, I can’t handle it sometimes.
You make me feel so fucking safe with sex. I have so much baggage there, and that’s something you’ve helped me through, and thank you so much for that.
You started therapy for me, and you even fought for it. That’s so much to ask for from someone, and I couldn’t have forced you to do it. Everyone tells me that I can’t change you, and it can only happen if you want to, and I have proof that you do. I don’t doubt that you want to.
I have had my depressive episodes, and I know that I put so much strain on us because of that. You handled them in stride and tanked it, all without making me feel guilty or like a burden, even though I absolutely was. That’s way more than I could have asked for.
I’m forcing myself to stop here because I know I’ll need sleep to not want to kill myself tomorrow morning. I will continue.