An Open Letter

It is currently four in the morning and I’m just about to go to bed after the reaper rave! I went with J And if I’m being honest I was a little bit worried that we would have a bit of a different vibe because I know that I’m a lot more expressive than she is, but she was actually super fun to go with and was dancing with me the whole time. We also went in matching jorts from a pair of jeans that we thrifted a long time ago for this reason. Another really sick thing was that during the main set, we were near the front and on the side where the private tables that cost $5000, compared to my $15 ticket lol. One of the people there really liked my vibe, and invited me under the divider to join them, and I told them I was with my friend and asked if she could also join and he said yes! They then offered us drinks, and we got to dance literally right next to the main stage which was so sick. Additionally I noticed that they had brought a couple of people from the main crowd, and they were all attractive girls. And then there was me, a guy, and I was the one that requested to bring my friend with me. It wasn’t even like they were trying to invite my friend over because she is an attractive girl, but no it was because of me! And I feel honestly really happy inside about the fact that someone enjoyed my presence so much that they decided to bring me over all of the other people there. He was sick because afterwards we got to talk with some of the openers and get their Instagram and photos with them! One of the people that was at that table at the end of the show came up to me and asked me if I was natural and oh my God. I think it’s such a weird thing because even though I really like the way that I look and I’m very happy with myself, I still do have body dysmorphia some extent. I look at my body naked flexing in good lighting, and I still feel like OK it’s like physique all things considered, and I am happy with it partially because I think that women don’t like super over the top fuzzy in practice More is exactly what a lot of women are looking for. I also do think that it is something for me and I really do like the way that my physique looks in certain ways. I also think however that when I wear clothing they really isn’t any clear something of my physique and I think that people can maybe guess out of politeness that I work out, because of my traps or the fact that I am a relatively low body fat. But I don’t think it’s really that obvious how much I work out. But then I have stuff like this where while I’m wearing a tank top a stranger comes up to me solely with the intention of asking if I use steroids. If I use the most conservative interpretation of that, of treating it like a compliment that is exaggerated, that’s still implies that the person clearly thinks that I work out. And I think it’s really funny because I remember it at least two points during the concert, I was looking at my arms while dancing and I thought about how dainty they look. And I often think about how I’m more or less just look like a regular person, because my natural physique is just less than that. But while we were walking back to the car, a random guy in a group yelled out that I looked jacked! And that’s so incredibly sweet of him. And even past that, two days ago at chess club when the organizer was talking about chess boxing and I got excited because I watched a bit of that, I joked that he should host that, and he said a comment about how I looked the part and asked if I had done boxing.

I am glad that I write down these compliments because reading back through them really does help, because even though that I worry it comes off to anyone who might potentially read this as me just sucking my own dick, I really do have those neural pathways wired into me from childhood and most of my life honestly, of being weak and having a really poor physique because I was never really something I cared about I guess. I always had other things to worry about. But even past that, I honestly do find it hard to understand how other people see me, and I think I’m afraid of viewing myself as jacked or something like that because maybe not everyone sees me that way, and maybe these are just people being friendly or supportive, and the cost of assuming and being confident that I am jacked, while people do not think that is massive. And since I grew up where that was the case, that is how I believe the world is and it’s really hard to convince someone that the world has changed. Especially when there’s always room for doubt. But I also think about it a little bit now in the lens of the thing I recently heard about, of negativity bias in dating which I journaled about I think yesterday. Yes there will always be people that don’t find me jacked or physically strong or whatever. And there will be some people that will always find me that way. And there will be a lot of people that I’m not sure about, and if I make the assumption that they must be doing it out of sympathy or to be nice, I am doing myself a big disservice. I think however that some of the most meaningful compliments I’ve gotten have been from people that aren’t trying to compliment me. Like I think about my old jiu-jitsu coach, who would get mad at me for using muscle or power even though I didn’t think I was. And he would kind of make fun of my muscles saying that that doesn’t need to help me and that is not the way to do it. And I almost think that those instances of feedback matter so much because that person isn’t trying to be nice to me or they aren’t trying to give me confidence, they just assume that I know that and that goes with the assumption that everyone else also does too. Maybe I am jacked.

Nothing else past that right now, I’m not even opening the app, but I did install it. And for now that will be my start. I want to get back into meditation because I feel like there’s a sense of tenacity that I gained from doing it, from having this kind of permanent sense of grounding that I can always come back to. And I guess that’s honestly it for today that’s all I’ll say.

I was watching a video while driving home (listening) And he was talking about how negativity bias is an incredibly potent thing in dating. Specifically he characterized flirting as trying to have as much plausible deniability as possible, and that comes with a lot of ambiguity. If you view dating as 10% explicitly positive, 10% explicitly negative, and the other 80% as ambiguous, if you predispose yourself to believing that things are negative, you end up with a weirdly self fulfilling prophecy. And I think about that in recent time, because in the past when I was way less secure with myself and happy with the person that I am, if I receive some kind of an ambiguous signal, I would take it as just general niceness out of potentially pity, and I would turn into almost evidence that I could not be wanted. And that would then lead to even worse outcomes in the long run. But now, I think it’s fair to say that I have not received too many explicit indications of people being interested in me, I definitely have received a fairly significant amount of explicit interest, but a lot of it is vague. A lot of it is me kind of just giggling and going she want me FR, and I know for a fact that not all of that is necessarily real. But I also do think that it’s served its purpose in a way unintentionally, because I really do believe that I am desirable now which I’m really thankful for.

I don’t want to come off as cocky, but in the last few months I feel like I have had an incredible amount of success with women, in terms of people being interested in me. I haven’t even gone on dating apps yet, and my friend pointed out how she has never seen a guy get this much attention from women. I feel like in hindsight if I try to think about what advice I would even give myself or something like that, it’s difficult because I essentially didn’t really take any shortcuts. I did not try to catch any butterflies, I instead continued to build my garden. I did however do things like plant things that butterflies like, but mostly with the intention of me enjoying my garden. And I think a lot of other people are interested in that. Things are working out.

I had my therapy session again today, and it helped me recognize how a lot of the things that I wish I had Come from social media. It’s not actually real stuff, similar to how if I look at photos I take after social events I host or things like that it must seem like I have this massive wonderful friend group. Almost to prove my point, K messaged me after seeing my story saying that she wishes that she had friends like that. I think that’s like another sign of divine intervention here, essentially showing my lesson is true, because what she saw was the life that I wished that I had. And do you see the irony there? And so I kind of recognized that the lies that look wonderful are similar to mine.

I hosted a game night again tonight, and I had 11 other people over. Honestly I didn’t feel like I had a great time, I think it’s fair to say I had a good time, but I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time and effort hosting and organizing this event And afterwards I kind of just wonder about why I even do it in the first place. I feel kind of socially isolated when I have to host the games because of the nature of it, and I know that G offered to run one of the games which is really nice but also a lot of information I’m not sure I can just give it to someone and have them understand instantly. I guess I also did focus a little bit too much on the game itself rather than conversations outside of it, but I also do feel like the people that came were almost a majority of people that are kind of difficult to talk with, they don’t make jokes, they aren’t really good conversationally, and mostly are just useful as side characters for a lack of better word. It also kind of feels shitty because people wanted to drink and so they drink the alcohol that I had, a wine bottle and the rest of my beers. And no one even tried to make a gesture bringing anything, or even offering to pay payback for the stuff that they drank. J did say that he would buy me another case of beer in five weeks or something like that I didn’t really hear. At the end of the night everyone left, and a couple kind of awkward/obligatory thank yous for inviting them, and only J texted me to say thank you for hosting. I then had to go and clean up everything myself when I was still hungry, tired, and my feet are killing me from walking around most of the event. I had to go through and do all the dishes and put away all of the things that people went through. J asked me if she could have some sour patch kids because she knew that I had a bag, and that was completely OK. S went and took just the blue ones from the bag and was really disrespectful about it and completely acted entitled. And I remembered the fact that that bag of sour patch kids was from the first present E gave me during our relationship. And it hits me now because I think about how my last birthday I didn’t really have many of the friends that I do now so it’s not fair, but I did have friends then. And did any of them get me anything for my birthday? No. Hell I think most of them didn’t even tell me happy birthday. And I just feel like I have been doing so many of the right things, I have been this social hub, I’ve fought to make myself the person that I am, and it feels like I do so much and I try so much and at the end of the day it isn’t enough. Like fuck. I really try my best to be loved. Or at least I try really hard to be. And I think about how in obsession there is the scene where she holds him while he dies from overdose suicide. And she desperately doesn’t want that to be the case, and I just couldn’t help but think about how no one would do that for me. And I know that’s not true to some extent, but my brain is still just reminding me about how I don’t really feel like I get the love I deserve. And I feel like it’s a shitty thing to even expect to deserve some amount of love, but I can’t help but sometimes see people online that have everything that I dreamed of when I was a kid. They have these friends around them that are super sweet and thoughtful, and they can have these birthday parties where the other people want to be there, to the point where they would even want to organize it for them. And I can’t help but feel like my entire life I had to fight to convince people to care about me in a way that just seems so inherently effortless for others. And I can’t feel like I don’t know what they did to deserve it that I didn’t. And the worst thing is I know that a lot of this just comes down to childhood, people grew up learning that they inherently just deserve to be loved, because that’s what their parents showed them. And then it’s an even bigger slap to my face because what the fuck did I do to not deserve it. And it just ends with a thought I was just a kid. And it makes me want to cry when I think about the fact that it feels like all of these other people just get to take this for granted, having friends, having these friend groups, not having to fucking fight for it, not having to like consciously work incredibly hard towards it. And I’m tired. I’m tired that I’ve had to do this shit as long as I can remember, and I’m glad that I do it and I’m glad that I’m not fully alone and completely just powerless, but I also wish that the world was a little bit more fair. And I know that a lot of these troubles and friction has been given to me in return for having these strengths now. And I know that these are some of the things that make me the person that I am in a way that a lot of people are envious of or admire me for. But it hurts. And I feel myself tearing up as I say these words with voice to text. But I don’t like the fact that I always feel different. I don’t like all of this constant second Justin trying to figure out this social contract that so many people got to have taught to them as a kid. And yes I’m glad that I’m a high achiever and I’m glad that I have the financial support from my dad, and I’m glad that I’m smart, but I’m also really hurt by the fact that what it feels like the most important thing in life, human connection, is the thing that I’m fucked over for. It feels like everyone else gets to coast at a natural level, while I have to constantly run to keep up. And it’s gotten easier I think, it feels like it does even take effort for others. And it feels like I’m putting in so much work for such a little reward when I see the people that are born fortunate. And I know that it’s hypocritical to say that because plenty of people would say the exact same thing towards me. I’ve had so many people tell me about how it’s unfair how I’m naturally good at so many different things. I’ve had so many people tell me about different traits that they wish they could have that I get to have. I know that I’m so incredibly exceptionally fortunate and people would kill to swap lives with me. But I feel like the chemical defect that has been passed out to me, it makes it such a shitty hand, because even though I’m winning the game, I’m somewhat doomed. I think about how there are so many people that have much worse circumstances, and yet there are people that really do not want to die. And here I am in my castle, and my entire life I’ve been dealing with thoughts of suicide. And in a way I kind of take comfort in it because it’s always like a justification that I have something to complain about because if I’m willing to kill myself over it, that is more than what most people are willing to do to get away from it. Can I think about how my grandma commit suicide recently even though she’s similarly has so many things people would kill for. And that condition has been passed down to me. And on top of it a lot of the generational trauma has also been passed down to me. And I know that I’ve been given a lot of the tools to help fight it that my predecessors have not had, but a lot of my peers don’t have to fight it either.

I wish someone could truly acknowledge everything that I’ve done. How hard I’ve fought. How much I’ve done and given to become the person that I am now. And I know that it is virtually impossible for anyone to be able to understand all of it. And I know that it’s unreasonable to hope that someone can recognize any of it. But it feels like I’ve tried so fucking hard and when I want to die it feels like I have nothing to show for it. And it scares me because I’m not suicidal right now, but at the same time I had a thought popping into my head where if I owned a gun I would not be opposed to just killing myself. And I guess here I should employ one of the things my therapist recently told me which is when I have one of these thoughts that feels irrational, just ignore it until tomorrow, because I know that there’s a lot of different factors going on right now that caused my depression to get worse, and if it is a real thought it will still be here tomorrow. Because my brain started thinking about suicide again let me do a skill.

S: I hosted this event and I had to deal with people taking it for granted, a lot of shitty responses that made it difficult for me to host, and no help afterwards or really recognition.

T: I do so much and it’s fully taken for granted and I’m exhausted of this. And it’s not fair that I have to do all this additional stuff by myself.

F: I feel helpless, desperate, alone, and exhausted.

B: I host events less, I undo a lot of the social connections that I have been building up by doing this work, and I isolate myself more.

T: yes it is a lot of additional work that I do, and in the future I can ask for more help. I also have control over the people that I want to invite. There are people that I really do enjoy interacting with and I can spend more time with people like that. Additionally it’s not completely that I have to do these things, it’s the fact that I get to do these things. I get to have a house that I clean, I get to have a table that I have to re-organize, I get to have drinks that I can give to people. I am not forced to do any of these things against I will, and I have control over them.

F: still tired, but I feel less powerless.

B: maybe I take a break from hosting big events with low ROI people. I still however feel in control and I get to socialize at will.

I feel better after just venting like this, and also doing the CBT chart. I should start brushing now and go to bed. Thank you for doing the CBT chart though and the skill.

I want to get back into creating stuff, and so I think I’m going to dedicate Saturdays to making something. I think about how J. Cole mentioned his six minute drill, where he would make a song in six minutes. I’m hoping that I take two or three hours on a Saturday to make some thing from start to finish. If I want to take more time than that then absolutely go ahead with that. But I think making something with such a wonderful use of my time. Even if the thing I made today was a really fucking stupid thirst trap with me data moshing from a cowboy into a cow-boy. No further questions lol.

I watched the movie obsession today with some friends, and while I knew that it was a horror movie, and that there were several dark topics, I didn’t expect there to be a scene where, spoiler, he tried to commit suicide in the bathroom with pills. I don’t like to really use this word or admit it I guess, but I think I got triggered by that. Immediately felt like the depression part of my brain started to take over, and aggressively. When it got to the part where she was holding him crying as he dies in her arms, I couldn’t help but remind myself about how no one would do that for me. I know it’s also not true but it was just such a dominating thought in my head. I remembered how I tried to kill myself the same way, and I just physically started to shut down. The movie ended, and people started getting up and the lights turned on, but I couldn’t help myself but stare at the screen and not move. I started to panic a little bit because I knew that my friends would want to talk or something like that and I would’ve be able to because I was frozen and I kept trying to get myself to break out of it, but I would not. After I dropped off my friend, I just kind of sat there numb, and I had to consciously not do anything reckless while driving back. It honestly hurt to watch that scene.

I’m showering in my nice shower, and My phone is really low, So nothing really today. I also apologize for all random capitalization, that is a quirk of how I type with voice to text and I’m honestly too easy to correct it.

Today I hung out with J! While driving home I was thinking about something, specifically that quote about how life has its way of making sure that everyone drinks its equal share from the cup of misery. Both people in relationships, and people not in relationships still manage to find misery in different ways. And I feel like anecdotally in life I have felt the same. I think there have been very degrees, but even when things my life are going pretty much perfect, I have a fair share of misery, and when things are significantly worse than that I have a comparable share of misery. I think there are obvious counterpoints of this innocence that once I do address a lot of my fundamental needs I do feel like life is pretty damn great, like right now I feel happy in life. But that aside, I think there is an argument to make about the fact that you might not be able to optimize away misery from life. Like after all, even now when I feel like my life is in the best spot it’s ever been in arguably, I was suicidal just a few weeks ago. And I don’t think that sounds pretty ideal if I’m being honest lol. But so the interesting conclusion comes from thinking about if you cannot optimize for avoiding misery, is there a point of really anything at all. And I think that maybe the point is to aim to optimize happiness, instead of learning from misery. In a way that I cannot verbalize I see this different from hedonism, because I think this is not the blind pursuit, but rather the understanding that even if you do the right things you will still have your fair sheriff misery in life. There are the obvious things, like people around you dying, or life circumstances that you cannot control, but including that there are things like maybe choosing the wrong partner or having to go down a certain path to learn a lesson in life. I think it is inevitable that you will face this type of misery in life, and maybe it isn’t worth it to take that as a signal of something going wrong. Maybe we should just try to play as much as possible and enjoy life where we can.