An Open Letter

I just got back from seeing the meteor shower. I’m happy.

I loosened my filters on Hinge, And I started talking to a few people, nothing too serious yet. But I guess I am going to listen to the advice of a lot of people and have a “roster”. Basically, just talk to several people on dates one at a time and not getting anything else until that person resolves. I feel a little bit like a fuck boy, but I guess it is naïve to think that come across might be the one. I feel like ultimately it is putting too much pressure on it and that is ultimately detrimental. I’m at least happy I am not lying to anyone or anything like that, but I think after this month of Hinge premium ends I am going to take a break from it for a little bit.

Today N Came over along with a few Other friends and we played Mario party, and for a little bit beforehand, we rolled around and I haven’t gone to do that for over a year now. I do miss jujitsu.

I was also thinking about how I feel like I don’t want to settle or compromise what I’m looking for in a relationship too much, and I don’t like the idea of actively dating in the sense of dropping my standards whenever it feels like the dating pool has ran out. And I kind of wanna apologize to younger me, and also the idea of potentially being married by 30, and I still think that there’s a pretty strong chance that happens, but I think it would probably be for the best if I stop actively chasing a relationship so much. Part of me wonders if I should look for casual sex or something like that, but I don’t really know if that is something for me or good. I feel like even if it’s hard to articulate, I have a mental image of the kind of person that I really get along with, and I would like to spend my life with. I honestly feel like a lot of that is just ADHD, because a lot of the traits that I’m looking for I have a lot of overly there. But I guess I’m kind of taking a little bit of a step back from the whole notion of active dating, especially with dating apps. I’ve gone through and looked at what it is readily available, and I have gone on at least one date out out of it. I’m also thankful that my issue is not getting rejected, but rather rejecting people, because as selfish as it is, I would like to believe that in a sense there isn’t something I need to change about myself to become more desirable, it’s rather a waiting game. But at the same time that means I kind of lose agency, which is scary. Part of me wonders if I need to get more attractive or more desirable with different ways and maybe that would preemptively solve the issues or somehow expand by dating pool to people that are more desirable. I guess it never hurts to improve myself.

I had the tech roast today along with my date with U. I have talked with a couple of friends about the date already but in short, I don’t think she really matched my energy and she kind of was overly negative and I very much know for myself that I need positivity because otherwise depression can take root much easier. I also think that there are certain things about me that I don’t think she would really like, like my more feminine sides or weird after parts of my personality. And I think that to someone else that is their dream. And I would rather wait for someone that matches me more in cherishes things like that rather than at best indifference. I am open to a second date just to be sure, but I think that’s it.

Play more than the date there was something else that happened that I wanted to talk about. At the tech roast show they brought us onto stage because I held our hands up and at the beginning, they asked us to say our name our role and our team. After that one of them asked me “how many peptides are you on?” and the other host said I was the most jacked Indian he has seen. After a little bit when they made a joke for the other team, and I was clapping along with everyone else the host made a joke about how the force for my clap was hurting him like Hulk in the new Spider-Man movie.

At the concert I went to on Thursday, I was introduced stranger by L because he was talking to them and immediately after saying hi she commented how jacked I was, and how she could see the muscles through the shirt. L got excited and agreed and talked about how she had said that exact thing Word for Word like a week ago. And so in the last two weeks, I have three different people independently comment about how jacked I am while wearing regular clothing. I don’t know why I feel like I have to say this like a disclaimer, but I’m happy to hear this. I have written down all of these things in my self-esteem list of compliments, but at the same time all of them have made me feel uncomfortable. It feels like everyone is somehow in on this almost inside joke, except it’s the universe trying to be nice to me. All of these things have to be said out of pity. I had My yearly checkup with my dermatologist and immediately he said Im really muscular, and asked if I am taking steroids. I feel like these things have to be set out of purely pity. This feels like when there is someone that you can tell is new to the gym and they look insecure or out of place, and you tell them looking good! Or when you are proud of someone that is new to lifting for achieving a PR even though it is not something generally impressive. It feels honestly patronizing. And it feels that way because when I look at myself in the mirror, naked, I feel great and I really love my body, and I always do love my body thankfully. But when I wear regular clothing, I just cannot understand where that is coming from. I feel like I look the exact same way I did before I started lifting with maybe the exception of my traps and forearms. But those things are not nearly enough to warrant the types of reactions that I have been getting. And I know that this is a because I did not ever receive comments like this before I started lifting so much, and now I receive them pretty often. And it’s such a stupid thing that I look in the mirror and I just can’t see what other people do. I also know that in more traditional flavors of body dysmorphia, I compare myself a lot to people online and also people in person. Now that I have been going to this new gym, that is really nice and filled with people that are bodybuilders and so forth, I feel again like a little kid. Except even the people younger than me are influencers and incredibly shredded. And they are nice people and I have made several friends, but I look in the mirror and I see a kid that doesn’t truly fit in with the jacked people. I am not strong enough to fit in with the powerlifters, and I am not aesthetic enough to fit in with the bodybuilders. I remember a while ago I played tennis with my dad for the first time in a long time, and before I got there, he was playing with someone else, and that person had seen me as a kid. About how strong and muscular I look, and my dad said I am a bodybuilder. And I am not. And I know that to him I am and maybe to the average person I am also. But I remember in the gym I had the thought come up that I may be the smallest in the room, but I am in the room. And then I thought about how kind of sad that was to think about, because I am absolutely not the smallest in the room. And it feels like ultimately I cannot get away from that trap.

It’s such a weird moving goal post, I now like the way my body looks when I’m shirtless or in a gym shirt, and I am somehow struggling with the surplus of compliments while I am least visible. And what a wonderful issue to have hit me so deeply. And how ironic the wound it causes is.

You and me will be alone no more

I just really like that song right now, but in other news, I have my date tomorrow! It’s pretty late and I’m not super happy that I’ve stayed up but you live in you learn.

I just came back from the concert For the technicolors. I could write about something not as happy, but Lord knows there’s no shortage of entries where I’ve chosen to do that. I do, however, remember at one point during the concert I realized I was happy and I had the realization that this is what life is about at the end of the day. Sometimes all I need is that.

I’m happy to say that I am well I would consider pretty much completely over my ex, but I think it kind of comes a little bit with the territory that I have started to forget a lot of the bad things. There are a couple specific moments or memories that I have that I guess I kind of do cherish, in the sense that I’m a little bit worried that I won’t get to experience something like that again. And I know that this is cherry picking and so I don’t treat this as something obtainable, but there are specific moments that I feel like “hey, I think this is what I’ve dreamed of.” like for example, showering with her and seeing her goofy smile, and feeling completely comfortable being able to be myself. The routine of getting out of the shower and giving her her towel, getting ready for bed together, and then having her lay against my chest while I read. And how much I loved cuddling her. And the nights where things were perfect, are absolutely wonderful, and I do want to remind myself that there was a lot of issues and a lot of times where things were very much not perfect at all. There were a lot of boundaries that were crossed, there was a lot of times where I didn’t feel safe, there was a lot of incompatibilities and things that I wouldn’t want in a partner. And so overall, I’m very glad that this was something to learn from an experience that I got to have and grow from. But some of those little slices of heaven do feel like have taste tasted caviar, and I kind of don’t wanna go back to tilapia. And that makes me feel sad in a deep way. I remember that I told her that she was the best sex that I had had, and I didn’t feel like I was lying and I’m grateful for that. But I worry now that with any kind of dating, maybe it isn’t that I’m always upgrading and having better and better sex, maybe I did have someone on the upper end of the bell curve. And I know that I do not want to go back to it and I think that this is just one of those instances where you can do nothing but sit with the grief.

L asked me what the stupid joke video I posted worked out, and I assumed that she knew that it was forearms and I kind of got excited to show off a little bit and so I sent her the video of my forearms I took after, and apparently it was so much of a thirst trap that she was fighting off demons, and talked about it on her story, and her friends were all saying that she should go for it, and that they would, and that she had talked about me already. She was saying that she was trying to be friends with me and at one point posted a small joke image saying when he’s not into you. I don’t know honestly what to do because I don’t want to potentially hurt anybody and I don’t want to lead anybody on and I also don’t know if I’m really comfortable or capable of being the object of someone’s desire because of my own issues and the need for my own emotional safety, which is more than I think a regular person’s for things like sex. And I also haven’t really had friends with benefits or things like that. I’ve only really had sex in hookups or dynamics where I kind of disassociated the whole time and then didn’t really stay as friends with them.

No red flags and there are several green flags, and I’m a little bit scared because maybe this could be the one.

Unfortunately, I won Catan today. I say unfortunately, because there were a few people I was playing with that were being somewhat competitive and were a little bit of a sore loser at the end. I understand that this is not my responsibility, but at the same time I recognize that some people are sore losers and I am completely fine losing games. My biggest priority is that everyone is having fun, and the way I see it is if I win someone else may be unhappy if someone else wins I won’t be unhappy at that, and they will likely be more happy and so I don’t mind. But unfortunately, that’s just how the game went and I guess I could have thrown more than just sharing information or strategy against myself, but at the same time I feel like that’s kind of excessive. It’s not like it’s my responsibility to make sure that the other people will not be sore. Losers, that is on them. Do it right there?