I wanna caveat this entire thing as I usually do – this is just me lashing out a bit and being egotistical. I wonder why I end up swinging in this direction sometimes, I guess that’s an analysis for another time.
Yesterday was a day where I felt like I got negged a lot by two friends, and it sucked because it was when I had invited the girl I am interested in and talking to. It kinda felt like one of them was flirting with her and putting me down in a way, and also being disrespectful with my place. I remember when we were getting ready to go back to my place another friend was looking at my car and was wondering what the badge was, and the person who was negging me said “it’s the founders edition badge”, and I said nah it’s not that it’s the ludicrous badge, the plaid equivalent. He then disagreed with me and he was like nah thats the founder, and I said “I’m pretty sure I know what it is lol its my car”. He was still confident and I told him to search it up and then he saw what it was, and then understood it was the upgrade, and when he was walking around my car more he said “damn it’s even on the seats” and I wasn’t thinking much and said “I sure hope so, I paid 20k for it” and his jaw dropped a bit, and he didn’t believe me. He asked why I spent that much on it and all I really said was why not, and the hp. I know I’m very privileged in terms of money, but I also know that I am very smart and successful. I had my other friend get shocked when I mentioned I spent 60k on the car, as she didn’t know how much the upgrade was either. Honestly it felt great.
Additionally since we were going swimming, when I got into my swim trunks a friend said “everyone is going swimming and then it looks like Anshuman is going to a bodybuilding competition. I thought that was very funny because I had no pump at all, and I wasn’t flexing so I was barely showing any muscle.
These are little things here and there, but I think because my ego felt like it took a few blows I find myself savoring them.
This is gonna be weird I think. We had a brunch today that turned into the pool and turned into a weird fan sat on the carpet and talked for a while. One on a walk and then we think I talk to you and escalate a little bit I guess I.
I’ve moved the phone closer to my mouth so it’s easier for me to edit what I’m saying but I’m going to just leave that there. I find that I have a lot of feelings and I don’t necessarily like them. One is the jealousy and the feeling like I was being negged by a friend who was somewhat flirting with her. And I told myself that that’s fine because if she is interested in that then that’s completely OK and she can go with him because I wouldn’t want a partner that would choose someone else over me. And I worry a little bit because I think that I am unfair with what I’m saying if I’m penalizing her for this, because she was kind of just going along with the flow and in a new social situation with people she doesn’t really know and she didn’t really have too many options and I know that the friend that I’m talking about is very social. So I guess I’m kind of mad at him but I also didn’t tell him anything so I’m just fucking mad I’ll be honest. And I don’t have anyone reasonable to point that anger towards.
Also things went faster than I had hoped and to be completely honest more because it was faster than she had hoped. I went to lash out now because no one is meant to read this and also because when I talked with her I followed the principles of NVC was not defensive. I feel like I sometimes get punished because of how much she likes me, and it’s something that I fully know that I’m being hypocritical about, but how am I not supposed to want to kiss her if she pushes her face right up to mine and stares into my eyes? And I fully know that I’m being a hypocrite but when I get all these signals to go faster and to go ahead, and I do, and then it’s actually too fast it be feeling frustrated and confused and anxious about the entire situation just ending because of that. It feels like I get told it’s OK to say something, I say that something and then it’s not OK. I guess I just don’t like this uncertainty and I find that I just fucking hate uncertainty overall.
And I just feel fucking full of this anger that’s really just sadness and frustration mixed together. I’ve been playing a lot of music recently because I can at least use six strings as my vocal cords. I sometimes don’t like it when she stares so deeply into my eyes because I can sometimes see my reflection or become aware of the fact that she is looking at me especially so closely and I just like looking at myself like that. I think I must look awkward and I must look shy and like this person that’s not me just know who I should look like. I still have that fear built into me about looking and just coming off as someone that people don’t like and aren’t into and so when this beautiful girl that is amazing and hit so many of my criteria tells me that she finds me beautiful and that she just catches herself looking at me and she has to pull back from doing things and same things what the fuck am I supposed to think. And it feels so obvious that I’m just supposed to believe what she’s saying, but how am I supposed to go against every other experience that I feel like I’ve had in my life. My face and my voice are two things that I’ve made willing concessions towards. And I can look and listen at myself without feeling disgust which I’m incredibly thankful for because I used to feel that way. But I just wanna break down crying and not in a fucking good way. I’ve written about this so many times, but I have the scars on my face and my parents would tell me about how people would think I’m sickly, or diseased and they wouldn’t want to interact with me. And recently stupid fucking insurance decided that I don’t even need the medication, and they’ve denied it. And I just don’t understand why someone could find me beautiful like that. And it feels like at my core person there is this sadness that just sits there and festers and the most I can do is cull the rot. But the seed is always just there right next to whoever I fucking see myself as.
I thought about it and I don’t know suicide isn’t intrusive thought because it never intrudes, I’d rather just speak up from whatever crevice of my mind it makes home. And it quietly talks, and that’s not something I’m used to if I’m being honest right now. I just get exhausted from it all and I just wanna cry and I wanna ball up into the child me that isn’t going to get helped by anyone. And sometimes I just wish that it wasn’t the case I guess. And I feel like it just feels so right to hate myself and to fill myself with this much self-loathing. It feels like so many other people don’t have to fight this hard to be loved or to make themselves someone worth loving or deserving of it. And as much as I can parrot the idea because I know it is technically right, I don’t think that everyone just gets in love or deserves love. And I solely mean that because of myself, because I don’t want to think about the fact that maybe I do deserve love and I just don’t get it in the ways that I wish I did. And I could really just fucking use a hug sometimes. And I wish that I could just have someone I could share these fucking thoughts to if I’m being honest, and it feels like I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid of being a burden or just because I’ve never had the fortune some natural outlet for this. But I just wish I was loved. And it’s a dangerous thing that I’m indulging in right now, but I sometimes do think about if I kill myself, if suddenly stars would align for the person that’s no longer there. Like maybe I would receive the love that everyone says is so fucking abundant. And I think I mourn it so much because I see myself a little bit every time I hear about it. And I want to decorate it and I want to show it and I want to write about it and I want to sing about it and play it and anything I can do to just beg and show that I could use a hug sometimes. And I wish that I could just have someone peer right into my soul and hold me with those gentle hands that I only find in stupid poems or whatever the modern equivalent of that is. And maybe the second best thing to that is sun on a warm day, or maybe it’s this warm shower, or the centralized heat from the heater on my bathroom floor. I wish I didn’t have to settle for a second best. I wish I had I wish I had I wish
I still want her. But it’s really weird thing because it’s like delayed gratification, and it’s almost forces me to be way more intentional and careful in a way. I noticed that earlier today I got a priority text from her, and I hadn’t heard from her and I saw that it was fairly long and I felt complete dread seeing it. I felt like the hammer was finally going to fall and I was going to get some text about how she changed her mind and she cannot handle interacting with me because of how much she likes me or something like that. I put my phone away before reading it and I tried to focus on the activity at hand with my dad, and focused on doing some emotional regulation skills to remind myself that I am OK and it is a blessing if someone shows me who they are or what they are willing for. But when I finally looked at the messages they were sweet, not in a love bombing way, but rather acknowledging that yesterday was a unfortunate conversation but she appreciated the way that I handled it and wanted to respect any of my wishes for how I wanted to go forward. And it kind of makes me believe more that she is someone that could be consistently safe emotionally, or at least I hope she can. I also think that she very much has her own life and interests and I’m very grateful to be able to say that I have my own also. I’ve run into the issue of not having enough time on weekends nowadays. I’m not truly going to just sit here waiting for her, because I do want to accept the fact that maybe someone else does come along or maybe she is never ready, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t kind of counting down the days to some date that I don’t even know of.
My hand somewhat got forced today, and we ended up calling for ~4 hours. I'm just being use voice to text and I don't care about correcting anything who gives a shit anymore honestly. In a way I feel like it's almost poetic using such a scuffed method of input in this sense and not correcting it, because I think it kind of just aligns with that feeling of how I can have some thought in my head when I try to express it when I try to put into words it's just an approximation of what I feel and I think that's part of the human condition of trying to figure out how to put your words to the thoughts in your mind. Unfortunately she said she was not emotionally available and she was not in a place where she could say yes to a date. And she also showered me an incredibly sweet things. Unprompted she told me how she finds me incredibly attractive both physically and personality wise, And she told me she found my profile attractive, my lips attractive, my hair and my voice. And it's kind of funny because I don't like those things too much. And it's really weird for someone to see those things in you and like those. I really don't like the way my voice sounds and it's something I've come to I think tolerate but never really like. I don't really like the way I laugh either, but I do like the fact that I do laugh so brazenly. There were so many things that we talked about and unfortunately we are incredibly compatible in certain aspects. And the things that I told myself that 0 at least she probably doesn't match me in, she matched me beyond what I could have expected. But at the same time we both acknowled it's a situation neither of us wants where it's her just saying wait for me. And I don't want to be a situation ship but it sucks because I really do like her. But at the same time it's not even that she's doing anything wrong, arguably I would say that she's doing something probably better than I am here. She got out of her relationship a little bit over a month ago and she just lost her dog this week. She said that I've been a source of comfort for her and she really enjoys my company a lot and she doesn't want to lose that. But at the same time it wouldn't be healthy and she currently doesn't have that emotional capacity 'cause she's dealing with all these other emotions and she wants to take some time after her breakup to be able to come back to herself and find that person before jumping into something else head first period And that's beyond fair, and I don't think that I'm necessarily unhealthy, I think been able to process a lot of the things from the breakup and Boo move on from them And so I don't blame her and it's kind of funny because we're both very similar people in that sense but at the same time I don't want to be let on and so I guess we've hit this weird little middle place where we both want to keep talking with each other but at the same time for an indefinite amount of time her answer is a no. And of course there's a chance that she changes her mind at some point and feels ready or something like that, but I can never wait for that and I can't just hold out on that hope. But I also don't want to give up the opportunity if I'm being fully honest. One thing that does suck is even though her parents are divorced both of them are incredibly supportive and Loving towards her. And unintentionally she sometimes kind of brags about it in a way. And it's never something that she even thinks that she's bragging about more just being grateful for, Similar to how I am grateful for a lot of the privilege that I have. But It does leave me with this pain in my chest when I think about how fortunate she is to have parents like that. And she told me at one point when she was venting about how some of her friends said that her parents would fly over when they would go through something like a breakup and she thought about how her parents never did that, and when she talked to her parents her parents said they didn't do it not because it was unreasonable but because they thought she wanted her space. My freshman year I tried to kill myself and I didn't even tell my parents. And I know they would have came but at the same time it would've just made it worse and what the fuck was my dad supposed to do. And I feel like I have half of those options of being able to ask my dad to come but for fucking what reason, He loves me but not in a way that is really clear. And he's not even comfortable with things like hugs and stuff like that and so there's a limit to really what I can receive. And so I do feel a little bit envious the people have such the fucking luck to be able to feel sad about not having that due to a misunderstanding. And it sucks because I think she's such a beautiful and fascinating person, But I want except the fact that it truly may not ever happen. And I think it's almost divine intervention in a couple of different ways, with how there are so many different little things that were so incredibly perfect with their juxtaposition or their timing. Additionally I remember I told her how a big thing I wanted to teach myself was to not convince someone to want to be with you and listen to their words. And so today she told me that she's not ready to date or anything like that, and so I had to listen to myself and I had to try to not convince her which is kind of painful. It's like seeing something slowly start to slip away from your hands and fully just taking your hands off of it and letting it go away. And it feels like there's such a small little bit of friction that you could add to keep that there because it does feel like she really does like me and I do like her a lot. But I'm letting myself correct my own brain chemicals by accepting the fact that just like that it could be gone And it's just like that. And it was nice and I think I do have a lot of gratitude for the fact that I recognize fast it was for me to find someone that was so incredibly wonderful and checked a lot of my boxes. And yes this might have been somewhat of a fluke but it very much shows me that there are people like this out there. I think she's pretty emotionally mature from everything I've seen, she's successful, I think she's very kind, and I think we're very compatible. And if it's happened like this it can happen again. If I really think about it I've honestly been in relationships more than I haven't I feel like for the last year or so. And at the end of the day I'm really grateful for the experience and I feel like I just fucking say that every single time and it's like a default response at this point but I guess I am grateful but at the same time fuck off.
She asked me if I wanted to go to a mountain Park/viewpoint today and I said yes and moved plans around for that. We ended up talking for five hours. We also just drove around a lot talking, walked around the beach, sat on the Bluffs and talked for a while. We talked about a lot of different intimate topics, and got to know each other pretty damn fast. I very much do like her a lot, and I think that she is has a lot of the qualities that I was looking for which is kind of scary because I didn’t even mention them and she mentioned them first. But I also do recognize that I should not blind myself with all of the good things so quickly. I will say however that there were several both good and bad signals.
Good:
She said that she trusts me as a person
We have a lot of things in common and she aligns with a lot of the things that I was looking for
We were able to have a lot of good chemistry in conversation
We have compatible senses of humor
She was being very flirty and doing things like punching me or making flirty jokes
When I made fun of her accent for something she said and then I said how Indian accents aren’t sexy, she said so you think my accent is sexy?
She told me that something I said was hot and it made her flustered
We do align on several core values like kids
Something unfortunate happened because she left her car in the park and the park got locked off, but she handled it pretty well
When I asked her if my car was the one that was left there would she have driven me back 40 minutes, and she said absolutely no questions
Bad:
She did also have a similar length relationship that ended around the same time mine did, which arguably is very recent
She just had to put her dog down, and is emotionally dealing with a lot of grief understandably
We did talk about exes
There were certain points where she indicated that she often asks questions but does not necessarily have an answer prepared herself
We did have a five hour long “date”? That was also mixed with emotional support
I did several bits today that I was very proud of. Also at the gym this old guy pointed to me while talking to another kid and use me as an example for what a good physique looks like, and I got so like flustered and I guess I’m just proud of myself. Also some of my green flags/dealbreaker were confirmed to be good with A, and I really find myself falling for her. But at the same time it’s strange because it feels like I’m falling for her with my mind and not just my heart. Like in a much more controlled and intentional way, and not just because this person is filling up some hole in my life. 60 days can’t come faster.
As I sit here crouched in front of my small heater in my bathroom, I remember what it was like growing up. I spent A lot of my memory crouched by the heater. Feeling that warmth was nice, like a surrogate embrace. I also really like warm showers for that reason, which is ironic because they’re bad for my skin. But I was thinking today how cruel it is that a shower cannot fully engulf me in that warmth. If I was to do that I would drown, and I think there’s something vaguely poetic about that. But only on a surface level, and I think that trope is so worn out that I feel ashamed even thinking it.
It’s weird but expected, I’m right now struggling with the excessive socialization I think. I’m kind of tired, and I feel a bit worn out. I also feel like I’ve lost myself in some ways. Like I don’t game as much as I used to do, not even close. And I think that’s not exactly a bad thing but it is strange to see the difference in myself. I’m supposed to practice smells like teen spirit for my band, but all I want to do is play angst. And I don’t wanna practice the drums like I know I should. I just wanna play guitar because it feels like a proxy for the voice that I’ve never learned how to use. And that’s also ironic because I can’t play the guitar that well all things considered.
Honestly I just want to indulge in self hate a little bit here. I guess maybe because if I do that then it’s a little bit more understandable why I feel shitty even after I did all the things right. I went out with a friend and I signed up for a new event that I was anxious about, and it didn’t go bad at all. But I’m tired. And I feel like the rejection from just being this social and reaching out in this many different ways is catching up to me.
I put a bubble cigarette in my Amazon cart, because I thought it would be really funny as a bit. But I keep finding myself drawn to just the idea of putting that cigarette between my lips. Not an actual cigarette, but just the idea of it is enough to make me want it.
I wish I was able to go to the gym today, like I had enough time to also be able to do that in addition to the event I went to. I feel like when I’m depressed in this sense, the healthiest form of self harm I can do is go to the gym and just take it out on my body. I really do like that pain. I know that it’s not good for muscular growth or fatigue, but I just really like the feeling of pushing myself until the pain is enough to take a forefront in my mind. And it feels so edgy to say it, but I don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s not a bad sort of pain, but it’s more like a physical ringing that continues to get louder and louder until it drowns everything else out. I just wanna get lost in something. I want that escapism. I want some path, and it’s kind of ironic because all things considered my life is not an all bad right now. I guess this persistent sadness that comes sporadically is what got me to where I am so I cannot complain too much.
I spent a lot of time talking with A, and it just feels so natural to talk with her. This feels like the kind of friendship where you just click with someone, but I guess I’m a little bit apprehensive because of all of the things with codependency and such. She mentioned a couple things that checked off some of the boxes that I had, and it kind of feels like she has so many of the things that I was looking for in addition to the things that I know I like. But also I’m not rushing into anything because I know that I at least have 25 more days according to my rules.
I went to a baking club event today, and I saw this one girl I met before that was very pretty and fun to talk to. We finally exchanged numbers so I could invite her to stuff, and at some point I mentioned that she probably only exchanged contacts with my ex, and she said “oh you guys broke up??” Which I responded yes to, and her response to that was “wait my turn to slide?” And I panicked. I responded “no” and probably stuttered something about not dating for a bit, because that caught me so off guard. I’ve been weirdly replaying that moment in my head, because I’m so surprised someone would make that joke unless they were somewhat interested. I guess I do want to believe that I am attractive and desirable and so maybe she was somewhat laying the foundation for flirting, but I may also be reading into it too much. I did meet another person also who had the same name as my prior ex (lol), but we had great conversation and they were excited to hang out. The world may not be as bleak as I thought.
I had an absolutely wonderful day today, I got a full set of drums! Along with a ton of other instruments for my band. I also went to LA for a leap concert, and it was absolutely fucking phenomenal. I got a vinyl signed by all of the members, and photos and got to talk with all of them. On my drive home after watching a video on the benefits of loneliness, I decided to raw dog the rest of my ride home, so I spent 40 minutes with no music or anything like that and I just thought and it was incredibly peaceful.