I just got home from driving to LA for a concert with friends, and on the way back I was showing some songs that I really like and explaining the stories behind them or some of the cool things behind them, and I just felt really happy and in love with a person that I am. I think it is like the same thing as the love for life that I have built up and practiced, which allows me to do things like dance and get people involved and enjoy things and find anything really, and I think that’s something that a lot of people gravitate towards. And I’m grateful for myself.
I was again depressed today. It was pretty difficult and I actually broke down crying this morning. I had a dream about E, It was like a book or something like that that she had mailed me and it contained letters giving updates about her life. I didn’t really get a chance to read it, but it was just like opening up that grief again. I still remember what it was like to wake up and every single day be consumed by that grief, going and sitting as far as I could from my work in a parking lot and just breaking down crying. And I thought about how there’s a good chance she doesn’t think about me anymore, because she now has a different partner. And I tell myself that that is not necessarily healthy because given her track record, typically she would jump from relationship to relationship. And I think the issue with this is you the surface level problem and you eventually want to just take the easy way out and get away from having to face that grief and loss. It’s way easier to just replace it with something else and I don’t blame her for it or anything like that. But I think if nothing else there is value and virtue to sitting with this pain and discomfort rather than being unable to tolerate it. And I think the part that really hurts me is not her specifically, but losing someone that I love so much. And it’s all of the small little benign things that become so much more brutal when it’s codependency. It also doesn’t help that I see her name almost everywhere.
I went to Chess club again today for the first time in a while, and I was talking with someone afterwards that I didn’t really get to talk to the first time I met her. She is a psychologist with her own private practice therapy, and she is significantly older than me. She has two kids, both around my age. After the club, we kept talking for a while and covered several different topics. I also realized that my first impression of her as someone who is an older person that is established with their career in a highly educated field, was someone that is wealthy. She bought the food at the bar and tipped, and didn’t really care about the cost of it. Today when we went to 7-Eleven afterwards because she wanted to grab a drink, she spent $30 on scratchers and she said that this is her one vice that she occasionally does, and any money she wins she gives to the school. She also drove a nice BMW convertible. I was a little bit, surprised that she didn’t have another car. However, I don’t know why I expected that she had this as a fun car and drove something else also. I also guess I severely overestimated her wealth. And I don’t mean this at all in a mean way or anything like that, but I guess it was more just in my mind recognizing how I sometimes compare myself or think that I am accurately gauging someone else’s life to some extent in some metric, but I’m not that accurate. I think about one of my other friends that eats out at nice places, and goes on trips pretty frequently. But I also know that she doesn’t really save for a 401(k) because she doesn’t plan on retiring in this country. Also, I know that she cooks very often and I know that that saves money. I guess that I also overestimate how much money there is there, and I also think I underestimate my income. I think I could be better with money and spend less here and there. And I guess I just wanted to recognize the fact that I am sometimes envious to some extent of things that don’t necessarily exist.
I had my book club today, and I was passionately, talking and making jokes about the book, and explaining the issues that I found with it. It’s like one of those things where I kind of complain or play it up a little bit and just am generally a very expressive person. This friend is not at all expressive, and she said that I was like really emotional about it, and I kind of felt like I took it as an insult, or like this person thought that I was legitimately mad or upset about this book. I honestly got a little bit defensive, and I reminded them that I’m just doing this kind of for content because I think it’s fun but I really don’t care, I can talk about it in a really bland way and I’m completely OK not talking about it either. But I think it’s just generally more entertaining and fun to be expressive. And I think about how this is a little bit like my general approach to life of trying to keep my energy and enthusiasm up where I can. I feel like I am orbiting my resting state of depression. The more enthusiastic and joking and energetic I am the faster I go, and it stops me from crashing. But if I go too fast, it is also destructive and I lose orbit. And I think this is a fairly good analogy for life. Staying in that sustainable band and orbiting.
I’m a little bit sad that I even Got to this point at all. I found myself searching up what makes someone a high value man, and everything that came up was something about red pill ideology. I honestly don’t really know too much about red pill or any of the pill stuff, but I know that it’s one of those like Andrew Tate or incel adjacent schools of thought. I thought about how at the gym I see all of these people around me and I feel like all of these really beautiful women wouldn’t be interested in getting to know me or even getting my foot in the door because I do not look like someone who is on steroids. I also do not outwardly have flashy things that show wealth. And I guess this thought has started to slowly whittle at me. I kind of felt like I need to do something else to change that, like spend more money in stupid status symbols. I even watched a video today that was recommended to me about different signifiers of status, and I think the fact that that was even recommended to me even though it was a satire channel that I like to watch feels a bit worrying. I also felt like maybe I need to update my wardrobe more, or maybe I need to worry about my appearance more and start to die diet or lose weight even though I am already at a pretty low body fat percentage for the norm. I feel like this is just a step towards dysmorphia again, and I don’t even know if this changes anything. I guess I just feel really frustrated because I have an incredibly good job, I own a house, I drive a nice car, I am attractive, I am physically very fit, I am emotionally mature, I am kind, I am popular, I am well liked, and outgoing, I feel like I am all of these wonderful things that I have strive to be, and it isn’t really working. It feels really frustrating to see random science or people talking about how what really matters to them is a man that is kind and funny and even having women that thirst over me when I don’t try to. But I haven’t really been able to find a relationship with someone that I feel matches me and is a good fit. And I know that I have been rejecting a lot of different people on dates and I’ve had to warn the person that I’m currently friends with benefits With to not catch feelings for me or let me know if they do so that we can address that, because I am not interested in dating them. And I guess that is success, but I wish that instead I was finding a really nice partner. And the more I think about it the more I feel like I have explored a lot of these paths and really the most important thing I can do is put myself in situations where I am exposed to more people. And pass this I really should stop trying to optimize our focus towards this because it is such a sparse goal that there really isn’t much I can hope for.
I spent a pretty good chunk of today just learning how to crochet and doing that while watching TV. I actually enjoyed that a lot and I didn’t feel like my day was wasted. This felt like a more productive use of my time and one where I don’t feel like I have nothing to show for it afterwards. I also did do some cleaning around the house because I realized a lot of tidying wasn’t done and that was probably taking a pretty big toll on me.
I just got back from the Muse concert, and I got a lawn ticket A few days before to try to get the cheapest price. I decided I wanted to See if I could get down to the pit, and eventually two of the employees told me to have fun and give me the wristband! I got to dance and see muse, upfront and close, all because I kept trying, and I was willing to try. And I kept thinking about how a closed mouth does not get fed. It really just does take courage and asking, and you really can get way more than you think.
I had sex again today. I met someone that I vibe with as a friend and we were both on the same page and we ended up having sex twice. Things went well, and I found myself comfortable just hanging out with them afterwards while they were getting ready for something that I said, I would drop them off at. It felt like the kind of stuff. I guess I dreamed about in high school, just chilling on their bed while they get ready and I’m fucking around on my phone and we are making occasional jokes and just talking. And I feel like a normal person, and the way that I’ve kind of longed for. I wasn’t anxious or at least super anxious, I am attractive, and I have a lot of the fixed blessings in my life, where a lot of the difficulties came from things that I can control to some extent. And I remember as I was driving home. I felt a crash, and I thought about how the smell of sex was like shame of the sin that I had done. And it felt like it was washed over by the regret of my actions, but I reminded myself that there isn’t a shame, and there isn’t sin. It’s just the smell of sex that I don’t necessarily enjoy too much. And it’s the physical sensation of just being a bit raw and dry skin combined with weird latex lubes. But I didn’t send and I didn’t do anything wrong, and there isn’t anything to regret today. But I feel like I almost have this compulsion to feel bad after sex. But I know that I can change whatever I want.
Today I matched with an alt person who is a lifter also, And they were sure that I was taking steroids. They were super surprised when I said I wasn’t, and I’m really proud of that. I also found out that one of my friends at my new gym takes steroids, and it makes more sense because he has an absolutely insane physique. But I kind of just told myself that that was because he is incredibly diligent with his training and also his diet. I guess I’m really surprised how many people actually are on steroids, because another friend from the Gym also told me they were on steroids.
I talked with a coworker/friend about some of her plight Of San Jose. Specifically with dating and the culture behind it, and I am really grateful I don’t live here. I don’t have to tell myself that no matter what I would still be happy because I am not happy because of my circumstances, but rather the decision decisions that I make. There are always good things that you can pay attention to. But I digress, I do feel, however, that there is an ugly side of me of competition that really comes out here, which is really funny because I am not trying to date anyone here. Hell, I am leaving tomorrow lol. But I noticed this in myself in the fact that whenever I have seen men in public, I kind of insult them in my head, like I try to put them down and I treat it like there is some competition that I am being judged against them in. I feel like I’m on edge and I am insecure about my own desirability as a person, I find myself worrying about things like random hypotheticals that aren’t even coming up, or how these random people are paying for these meals in fancy restaurants for their partner, and how this probably is a normal occurrence for them. And I do believe that this is fiscally irresponsible, but I feel like I’m fixating on that as a justification for not losing this competition rather than as a separate valid point. I don’t like the side of me, I much rather enjoy the side of me that doesn’t feel like I am fighting and trying to put other people down.