An Open Letter

A digital journal

I ended up working today on the blog some more, I got an editor working along with adding it to the database automatically. I had a pretty solid day, but I’m a bit upset I still don’t have any work. I’ve been wanting to get better at Overwatch, partially because I want to be good at the game again. I guess I just hate the feeling of having no control when getting stomped in a game. but also it is nice to be at the same skill level as my friends. I’m not really sure what to do, but also at the end of the day does it really matter? Oh well, time to try to fix my sleep schedule.

It’s 3 AM and I decided to stay up to play with F. My internet ended up cutting out twice today, which kinda ruined my mood I guess. I should anyway get ready for sleep. I didn’t end up working on the blog at all this weekend, so I’m a bit disappointed in myself for that I guess. Oh well, another short entry because I waited till 3 AM.

I’ve had no homework or any work for about a week now, and I can’t handle this. Especially with this 3-day break, I've started to just rot away. I don’t enjoy playing games that much, and I just waste all of my time on my phone. I did nothing today. This is my personal hell, I just want work so I can leave this.

I ended up finishing my book last night because I couldn’t sleep, and now I have to wait till it comes from Amazon. I’ve kinda decimated my sleep schedule if I’m being honest but I thankfully have a 3 day weekend! I’m looking forward to doing absolutely nothing. That’s it I guess. Oh, hopefully I work on the blog at least a little bit over this break.

I came home from my date and saw that my microphone cover was missing. I got worried because there’s no way it just falls off, as it’s pretty tight and doesn’t even slip off normally. I looked around and then said the first thing in a few weeks to my housemate – asking if he knew what happened. He said, “Maybe the wind blew it off.” I’ve had my window open the entire year, the microphone stand is behind my monitors, and also was facing upright. Meaning the wind would have had to magically blow from bottom up, and also pull it off the microphone itself. Either way, I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and looked around and found nothing. After looking through my entire room to make sure Hash didn’t swallow it or eat part of it, I found it tucked behind my desk, on the side of my PC. This is first of all, TOWARDS the window, where the wind would have been “blowing” from. It was also blocked by my monitor, and hidden BEHIND the desk, meaning there’s no way it fell that way. Also, it was put in a place where it was perfectly out of sight from the front, but reachable if someone wanted to put it there. It also had no bites or any marks to show that Hash touched it, and it was anyway in a place that Hash could physically not reach.

I confronted him, asking if he knew how that could have happened, and he said “I don’t know, if I wanted to annoy you don’t you think I would have taken something else?”. I didn’t say that he did it, and he basically snitched on himself. I’m fucking livid, as he’s been retaliating for a while for the things he’s been doing wrong, and I DIDN’T EVEN ESCALATE IT TO MANAGEMENT. My RA said that I was fully able to escalate it since he was violating the lease also, and I said not to. This was especially painful for me because Mama used to hide my personal belongings when she was upset with me, and wouldn’t say anything and deny that she did it. This has always been a very triggering thing for me, and so this set that off very badly because I always get suspicious and feel like I’ve been stolen from when things go missing. I wish I could get revenge or something because I’ve just sat down and taken all of his passive-aggressive bullshit. He even keeps filling up his trash can in the bathroom with stuff like dirty napkins and floss, and won’t throw it out. He also keeps purposefully leaving the bathroom door open, and so when I get home sometimes Hash has gotten into that and brings the dirty tissues into my bed and shreds them up and eats parts. That hurts his stomach and I see it in his stool sometimes which is scary to me because I don’t want him to get hurt. I wish I didn’t have to sit down and just take it.

Dear lord T is ass at Overwatch, but I’m super happy he joined us. We were 4 stacking, and we lost SO many games and people kept flaming him and us lmao. It was a great day.

While grabbing snacks, I spotted the velveta mac and cheese cups that I bought from target that I forgot about. I hadn’t had them before so I was super excited, and while rushing back and forth from my computer and the kitchen I ended up fucking up 3 of them. First one I put the cheese in before hand, second one I did the same thing lmao, third one I put too much water, and now I’m finally preparing to properly make one. S and L harassed me for it, and honestly I’d happy drink more burnt cheese water if it meant being happy like that.

I’ve been working on writing a blog from scratch to carry on the torch from this, because I don’t like the fact I’m paying $10 a month for this service to host the blog for me. Also I just wanted to learn react and be able to make something I use. I like the way I’ve styled it so far, and I even got an infinite scrolling working with my new backend database. Once I can add in a way to publish things, I should be set! I guess I’ll keep this post relatively short since I don’t have much to say to be honest, so I’ll leave it there. Hold me accountable – hopefully I’ll see this website change completely soon enough!

I convinced S and L to get the trial for Aoe3, and we ended up playing it for a few hours. S convinced us to not look at any tutorials and so we spent about 30 minutes just trying to figure out what the fuck we were doing. Strategy be damned, I had fun. Today was fairly uneventful, so not much to write about. I guess just time to sleep at a regular hour?

I'm writing this with voice to text while starting my trek back. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I never really read the things I write, at least I haven't really so far. And since I don't really intend for any of these posts to be consumed does it matter if I correct the grammar mistakes from voice to text or mistranslations? I guess not.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty shitty. I guess depressed would probably be a better word. Today also I felt worse, to the point where I genuinely started getting concerned. I decided I would go work out and then go on a long walk again. I finished working out and went home, grabbed a jacket and my weighted ankle set. I put in three bars on each side this time. I then just “fucked off into the woods”.

I think the first thing I always notice is how my body hurts. Specifically I felt the front part of my right shin hurting and my left hip hurting. But I also just keep going and eventually the pain goes away. I kind of reminds me of that “ someone told on Reddit, where they had broken some bone in their body and were afraid of pushing it too far during rehab. Their doctor said “Go and push yourself It will not break. And if it breaks, I will fix it. But it won't break.” I guess it's important to see yourself in the same light sometimes. I'm not as fragile as I think. And the pain of progress is better than the pain of regret.

I walked to the corner of the bluffs, at the nice little lookout point. I settled down there and brought out the book I've been Reading, which is something I've never actually really done before on my walks. I always kind of preserve reading to my bed right before I go to sleep but this was blissful. I think I ended up reading for more than an hour, which is way more than the 5 minutes I have to habitually force myself to do everyday.

I found myself distracted by thoughts only a few times, but looking at everything now while walking back I sort of think about how it's just a good day. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm a pretty cautious person I'd like to say, but I originally wanted to try mushrooms for my treatment resistant depression. I ended up painfully tapering off of my medication for several months, and bought some shrooms from someone with the hopes of not being depressed. Turns out I have a fairly high tolerance, and I ended up not really feeling anything like I expected. I remember describing it as just a good day. Is there anything more than that that I need?

I guess I kind of suffocate myself with quotes to try to change my mindset, things like life was not meant to be a punishment. But I still struggle to I guess internalize that stuff. Mike Tyson has a quote everyone has a plan until they're punched in the face, surprisingly that applies to a lot more than I thought. It's hard to remember that things like going to the gym or taking a long walk or reading make me happy. It's easy to forget that stuff. But just because I forget it doesn't mean it's any less true.

Walking like this kind of feels like a guide for a living life sometimes. Half the time it's peaceful and bliss where I just enjoy the sounds of nature or whatever I'm listening to. Or just thinking. And half the time it is pain and an uncomfortable situation, where I just want to stop. In both cases I'm not doing anything wrong and the things I'm supposed to do kind of stay the same. One foot in front of the other just keep walking. And it's a funny little trick of the mind where I always forget what everything other than my present experience is like. When it's bad I forget that I can be good. When it's good I forget that could be bad. I am the same person for going through life normally; I forget what it's like to be depressed when I'm not, and vice versa.

Well I was resting in between sets at the gym I was trying to read about how to make my life more and what other people had figured out. One person while talking about phone usage mentioned what do you want from yourself in five or 10 years. And then something along the lines of make a plan for that that is tangible. Well walking back there were three dogs all of different breeds walking with two women coming towards me. I asked if I could pet them and I did very briefly. I think that's a good life. I would like to have hash with me, And maybe also a golden retriever. Three dogs would be a full house I think. Nothing wrong with that, it just may not leave space for much more. I think I would be happy surrounded by them as I wouldn't be alone. And I feel like I would be fulfilled with them by my side. I know a lot of people mention that they don't like the idea of living alone as it would get too boring and isolating. I'm really grateful I have hash and also my online friends, as that's my version of not being alone always. It's also nice because I don't need to worry about long distance or stuff like that. But also I guess that is the cost of being online friends. They are long distance and stuff like that.

A book that caught my eye at Barnes & nobles yesterday was a fiction book about a woman who just gets up and leaves her life after her sister dies. It's a story and her account of traveling and figuring out life. The summary on the back of the book mentioned about how she was able to conceal her inner struggles from all often new people she meets while overseas. And It mentions about how she struggles with a fact of “if she can conceal who she is to the outside world, how can she know what she is”. Or something along those lines I've probably butchered it. But I guess that whole idea of The disconnect between being, and being observed. I think I want to get that book, because it's a very good question but I kind of struggle with. I guess it's very tangentially related to the fear of being forgotten by history. There is a very high chance that I will do nothing notable in my life to warrant being remembered years after my death. This thought has never really concerned me, but also what does that mean I guess. If my entire life's contribution can be essentially ignored, what is the purpose of my life. I guess this is the whole issue with voting, where my individual vote really doesn't matter and changes nothing. But I guess if everyone thought that it would change things. So maybe I'm a hypocrite, for not voting. Because the equivalent thought I think is recognizing that your individual contribution is meaningless, and still working hard to make that contribution. I wonder if history is a reversible process. Could my random action today be traced directly to some future consequence, with no other path to that future? If that's the case then what I do has meaning. Maybe not in a way that I can see or in a way that matters, but it still would have meaning nonetheless. I guess this fundamentally means nothing and changes nothing, but it's something that's reassuring to me for some reason.

I have successfully rambled back to civilization about 2 mi without even noticing it. What a curious experience. Thank you to myself for getting up and going on this walk.