This is a little bit of a different post than usual I guess, mostly because I know that I kind of want to vent but I also think maybe I shouldn’t. Not because there’s anything wrong with venting, but maybe it’s a more value for me to try to just acknowledge and look at this thought for what it is. This topic was spurred on from several different things, but the most concrete example I have is thinking about a random relationship reel I saw about a girl having something go wrong in the kitchen and getting incredibly overwhelmed, and her partner stepped up and helped regulate her and take care of it. There was a relationship counselor talking about it, and a lot of the comments were praising his emotional intelligence and how supportive he was, and they pointed out how he started to try to solve the problem first by asking about what happened and then caught himself and started to emotionally listen first and support in that way. I think I’m good at this in the sense that I typically will emotionally reassure first, and it’s not a conscious thing. It’s an automatic incentive for me, and I am happy with that. But at the same time I felt a little bit of disgust towards her. And it’s not really towards her, but more towards the shutting down at something like that, and the partner being praised for emotionally regulating her in that instance. And no one was talking about how she should be able to regulate herself and handle situations like that without shutting down. And I understand that my frustration is not towards her, but rather towards the expectation that I have towards myself that I am supposed to be self-sufficient in those ways. It’s not OK for me to shut down in situations like that, because that relies on someone else to be able to take care of me in that situation, and let alone a relationship, it’s not like a person like that will always be there. And I wonder how you are supposed to survive like that, because what I have learned is you need to be able to take care of yourself. But at the same time I think about how no one was saying that stuff towards her. I think a separate topic to think about how it would’ve gone if it was a man in that situation, but I digress. I think a meaningful thing to recognize is I think the ability to trust and depend on someone else that is a pretty meaningful indicator of safety potentially. And I don’t know if I’m capable of that right now. It’s a terrifying thing too have some kind of a need or something like that where you rely on someone else, not in a like sigma male way, but rather I feel like that’s just a recipe for depending on a relationship which makes it a necessity rather than a choice. And I think that is a festering ground for unhealthy traits. But I can’t help but think about how maybe I should be able to let my guard down past what is natural sometimes. I think I’ve just put a lot of emphasis into being emotionally self-sufficient, with inclusion of my therapy of course. And then it kind of feels unfair, that I emotionally regulate someone else but it’s not something that they can necessarily provide to me. And it just feels unfair. And I hope things are equitable, but I struggle to think about things that I individually struggle with that I can realistically expect someone else to account for. And it sucks because I end up getting put in this situation where it feels like even if it is a net positive to my life, I might just be getting a bit of the short stick. And I think it’s hard to view it in this way, because it feels very much like suffering from success. And the issue with that is it’s not that I think I am so incredibly above “good”, but I’d rather think that a lot of people are not necessarily in a good spot in life. And so it benefits me to continue to improve myself in these ways, and I know that right now this is very much seeming like I’m saying I’m perfect or close to that, but I absolutely know that’s not at all true. If that was true, I wouldn’t be complaining so much. I also wouldn’t be benefiting as much as I do from therapy, which is an indication of the room that I have to grow. But I guess it’s just kind of scary, and I think dating apps are only going to exacerbate that which scares me, because I want to be happy. Shocker.
I made it public, it’s not Perfect, and it’s kind of bad to say but I already feel like I’ve lost some amount of confidence in it. I guess I don’t really know what I expected, and I literally just made it public today and so I know it will take a little bit of time before I get like my first match or something like that, we even just the people that I’m seeing in my area don’t exactly inspire me with hope and I feel like it’s both a mixture of me feeling like a lot of these people don’t actually match my hopes for a long-term partner, and also I personally feel like I’m losing a little bit of confidence in how my profile will be NEVER MIND I JUST GOT MY FIRST MATCH LITERALLY RIGHT NOW WITH THE NOTIFICATION WE’RE SO FUCKING BACK
I told myself that tomorrow I’m going to make my Hinge public and stop being a coward. I’ve talked with several friends and they’ve also said that it feels good and there are Little things here and there that I could do, but I don’t need that. I’m never going to be ready and I’m always going to think that there’s something small here or there that I could change or something that I’m missing and if I wait for the perfect day, the perfect day will never come. I think it’s a little bit cruel for me to be dating or talking with people that I feel like I wouldn’t actually want to be in a relationship with. I find myself making excuses we’re trying to find reasons why I shouldn’t date people. It’s rough because I don’t think that should feel like, and the scary thing is because I have felt loved before and I worry that every time it should look different from what I have learned.
I did squats today, second day back at the gym since starting to recover from this sickness. The program started with 225x10 which is apparently a pr. 6 sets of it. The first set hurt so fucking bad, my back hurt, my wrist hurt, and my lungs felt like they were dying. I wanted to stop so badly and just skip it and make an excuse. I dug deeper than I have in a long time. On the second set my back hurt more, everything felt horrible. I was getting very lightheaded and I would have stopped or taken it easier before. I thought about that study on positive self talk mid set. But it hurt and my body was screaming to quit. And so I kept chanting in my head “it hurts and I want it.” I kept mentally saying it until I was yelling in my head, and I got through three sets before I felt I had done enough to skip the rest. I got through it. And I’m proud of myself. I had to hold myself on the bar to let my heart and lungs catch up, but I did it. I’m grateful for the ambition to chase something hard. Even when it’s things that seem small it’s the willingness to push past what I think is right.
Today I had the pitch a friend event where G And I pitched each other. To be completely honest there weren’t really people there that I felt like caught my eye, but I did have a good amount of interest in me. I have a few girls come and approach me, and they weren’t unattractive or undesirable people at all, just not necessarily my type. I thought about how interesting it is to be on this side of the stable matching theorem, because there were these girls that are showing interest in me, and aren’t horrible candidates I guess for a lack of a better way to put it, but at the same time I’m not really like overly enamored by them. And so I don’t pursue them, because I’m used to being able to chase what I desire. I do appreciate the confidence boost however.
There have been four days in a row I did not go to the gym. It was a mixture of getting my hair permed, where I cannot sweat for 48 to 72 hours, and also me being pretty badly sick. My head has been hurting, I am coughing like crazy, I’m fatigued, and my body aches. I honestly didn’t want to go to the gym today, partially because by the time I got home it was 8 PM. But I ended up forcing myself to go, and even though I felt super weak at first, like I was struggling with what is usually just a complete pointless warm-up of bench pressing a plate, I persisted. I also started a new workout split, and it was honestly more volume than I was prepared for. I took it a little bit easy, but still? And for the first time in a while I feel good about my body again. I also physically feel honestly pretty good after that which I’m happy for. I’m really proud of myself for reminding myself that it doesn’t need to be perfect but it matters that I go.
I talked with her today, and she explained that she did want me to be there, but this was one of those Friend dynamics where it was intended to be just a girls trip. Is that she mentioned how she absolutely would invite me if men were allowed, and that she does want to go on a trip with me and that she understands where I’m coming from. The answer is still a no, but I feel better.
One thing I’ve been thinking about after talking with N Was how my Hinge profile could likely benefit from some sort of faith thirst trap or photo that shows off my physique. I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of mixed feedback on this, but most of it involves tastefully showing off your body. I feel like my profile lacks that right now, and it feels weird to try to figure out a socially acceptable way to show off.
Today I went to a friend‘s birthday party, and I was talking about how I wanted to go to Six Flags waterpark. One of the girls there was constantly shitting on it and saying how there’s no point driving that far for it, and I was just kind of saying I enjoy it. I was asking A if she was interested, and she was saying that she was. The other girl started talking about how she wanted to go to a different one, and then said that it would be fun to go as a girls thing. It just directly feels like such a slap in the face to say that because it excludes me. It feels like intentionally trying to set up a situation or social dynamic where it is implied that I am not allowed. That shit hurts.
I found out that G was organizing another girls trip. J told me, And even offered to ask her directly about inviting me. G said that this was just going to be a girls trip. It hurts because there was a trip earlier and G said that next time she would absolutely invite me, and it kind of feels like I’m getting my hopes crushed after getting them raised. I know that there may be valid reasons for it, but it very much hurts in the same way that my childhood did when I would get excluded from things with friends because they were girls and I was not. And it feels like it’s the same thing happening again.
S: G is planning another trip, and explicitly did not invite me because it is going to be a girls trip.
T: it sucks because I don’t see why I couldn’t be invited, and additionally G said that next time she would invite me.
F: I feel like I’m being excluded, and it’s because of my gender. I feel like the friends I consider close are not actually that close to me.
B: I feel like shit, and I pull away from my friendships.
T: This might just be a girls trip in the sense of an existing friend group, and G does enjoy interacting with me and would want to go on a trip, but they already have their established friend group.
F: honestly it still hurts a lot. But I think it hurts a little bit less so. I can talk with my therapist and try to figure out how to not have this bitterness.
B: I talked with my therapist and I don’t punish friendships for this.