An Open Letter

A digital journal

I'm going to try something a little bit different than normal, I'm going to use voice to text for this one. I'm not exactly sure what I would want to write about today as it was just one of those days where I was very busy with work and school.

I will say I have gotten a lot more confident teaching, in my section I was lecturing to a full class and keeping a good amount engaged, which first section that's optional I think is pretty impressive.

I also did spend time with J, we went and got food and talked for a while which is always fun. I really enjoy spending time with them.

I have also started to take my diet a lot more serious, maybe too much today. I had like 4500 calories and 300g of protein, but I'd rather get fat and hit my goal than not hit it.

Relax – some deep breaths

Examine – I'm a bit scared about the whole TA thing

Set intention – I can't do anything now, don't worry. Everything genuinely will be ok, I won't die. I have money.

Take action – go to bed idiot, love you.

Tomorrow is now my rest day, and so I’m going to be pretty upset as I won’t have the gym to keep me sane. Today is the deadline for the month-long nightmare lab for this course, and I do feel pretty upset. E seems like they’ve put in less work than a regular person in this course, and I’ve anyway had to do the entire thing myself. I’ve been doing this with 20 units of classes, along with all the other things I have to do. I wish I had a partner for this class.

I had therapy today, and I learned of some direct actionable things I can do to help me. So going forward – here’s one of them.

Relax – done I guess? IDK what I’m supposed to write

Examine – I feel upset because E is to blame in my eyes for this situation and as a result I’ve had to do so much more work and go through this struggle all with a massive workload.

Set an intention – I don’t want to be a vindictive person, but I do think that this is unreasonable. I think I’ll try to talk to the professor tomorrow briefly after class or send an email.

Take action – After tomorrow’s lecture I’ll go up and briefly talk to him to figure out what to do.

Currently, I’m at 245/270/380 – 895. When I say it like that, it’s horrifying: within 30 days I’m supposed to add 105 lbs to that? My current plan is if I can get squat to 315, and deadlift to 405 then that’s 965. I think I may be able to do that, squat is the one I’m most afraid of, but deadlift is also not guaranteed. But even after that, I then have to add 35 lbs somewhere. I think I may be able to squeeze out another 10 lbs on bench maybe, and then I’m praying I can somehow just fit on the additional 25 lbs.

I’m worried that if I don’t hit it in one year, I’ll blame myself because I could have taken it more serious. If I got enough sleep and ate properly, I think I would have. I was pretty lazy. I feel myself preemptively beating myself up, which isn’t a good sign. I don’t want to be haunted by my inaction.

Things were going relatively nicely. Today the CS department sent me a rather cruel email saying how due to the whole fiasco last quarter they may ban me from applying as a CS TA going forward. They also wanted me to withdraw my application from ECE TA for this coming quarter, but they wouldn’t tell me any other information. So basically they are threatening me to withdraw my applications to other departments to even have a chance to TA for CS, all while saying they may just ban me from it. Never mind how several CS professors have requested me as their TA, or how I have a near-perfect TA evaluation right now. None of that matters I guess. Doesn’t matter how much extra time I’ve put in, or how much students and professors have been appreciative of the work I’ve done.

On top of this, this all happened because the ECE department saw my email asking “if it would be possible” and then proceeded to not respond to me after a few days sent a harshly worded email telling me about how horrible I was for asking that, and implying they were dropping me. IMPLYING. They didn’t even tell me what had happened, I found out right before the quarter started through the professor I was going to TA for originally. They also didn’t respond to any of my follow-up emails. I remember I felt like throwing up for weeks and was on the verge of panic attacks frequently. But no, none of that matters. I’m being punished for the ECE department’s actions, and I don’t know what I could have done reasonably in hindsight. I asked if it was feasible, as I received the offer from CS extremely late in the quarter, and the ECE department didn’t communicate back to me and just dropped me. And now the CS department handler refused to respond to my email, and only responded with “I will not have this back and forth” and that she only wants to know if I have rescinded my application to the ECE department. She did not then respond to the email confirming I had rescinded my application, without clarifying any of the other things she had threatened me with.

I get these people are busy. And I get what happened last quarter made more work for both departments – but I did not intend for this to happen, and I can reasonably say that this was not my fault. I am now being punished by both departments for each other’s actions. I’m now caught in the middle and I may not have a job going forward. I just want to cry. It doesn’t matter what I do. God I just want this to end.

I actually had stuff to say today, but my brain is already mush and I’d rather sleep on time today. I finished off my second to last block today, and I’m a bit less worried for my goal of 1k. But still worried. I find the more I think about it the more worried I get. Oh well, c’est la vie. This is what I wanted, didn’t I? Something without guarantee.

I slept 5 hours had no caffeine today, and have been hanging out the entire day non-stop. Since waking up, until right now. Maybe it's understandable that I'm feeling the way I do. I am happy I think.

In the sense of a horrible bedtime lol. I started playing league here and there, like a game or two at night once I’m done with my stuff if I have the time. It’s been fun, and a nice little calm way to just watch youtube while boosting a friend’s account, but at the same time it’s incredibly easy to want to queue up another game and sleep 30 minutes later. But that 30 minutes turns into an hour, and then suddenly it’s 2:48 in the morning. Oh well, such is life.

And I just felt happy. Like genuine happiness. I even complimented a girl and she was flattered by it. I made my silly little videos and made my friends laugh. It was a good day.

Back to this I guess, I spent the last 5 or so hours working on this lab, and I got an incredible amount of work done. I honestly enjoyed this a lot more than if I played a game or two of league of legends, and my only regret is that I am going to be sleeping a bit late. I guess I should keep this brief so that I can get some well-needed rest for tomorrow. Goodnight!

I find it fairly ironic how clueless I am in a lot of casual interactions, and I’d like to attribute it to a lack of experience in said situations. I feel kinda resentful towards my parents for forcing me to do that, but I guess I am grateful for the consequences of it.