An Open Letter

One thing that has been kind of swirling around my mind finally solidified into words that I’m happy with. I think that E Absolutely did love me. I think she absolutely cared, and I think she also put in a lot of effort. I also do think that we are in very different stages of life in several different ways, and this is something where even if someone does have good intentions and they do put in effort, there is only a reasonable amount of impact that can have. At the end of the day, because I am at a different stage of life and I am a different person, I have different expectations and emotional needs. The same way that my pug is happy sleeping most of the day and only going on one walk, but a border collie would need more engagement and physical activity, I had different needs than what E did. She may have been fine in a relationship where presence were not super considerate or thought out, and where conflict and arguments are allowed to escalate heavily without the expectation of consciously putting down defensive behaviors. But to me I have come to accept and familiarize myself with these things, and it’s not something that I’m fine without, just because that’s not how I am as a person. Maybe she would have been fine if I did not remember or respect certain boundaries or things that she would mention, but for me I’m not OK with that. More in the sense that it’s something that started to grate on me and really impact me and buildup. And so because we have such fundamental differences there at the current moment, it just isn’t reasonable to expect someone can adjust that much. It’s like if I really wanted a sports car, and I bought a Prius. I could go and custom build a brand new chassis for it, and upgrade the engine, and upgrade the suspension, and upgrade every part of it, but at some point it’s just easier if I instead buy a sports car. There’s no need to try to force a person to be someone that they are not. I think you can absolutely try to help someone grow, and you can have that tolerance because no one will ever perfectly match you in those ways, and people will always of course make mistakes, but at the end of the day her and I are at fundamentally different points in our lives and even if we do love each other and care and are willing to put an effort, the gap is too large. That doesn’t mean that everything had a gap, but there were absolutely several gaps in important areas. And so it is for the best that we break up.

I think the big Takeaway from this is that I can love her, and she can love me, and still this gap can be past the point where it is worth it. This is even regardless of the bad things that she did, and the boundaries that she had crossed. Those only serve to further the decision that this relationship is not the best for me. But even in the absence of that, it is something I think to understand where everyone is going to be at a different point in this huge multidimensional embedding, and there is absolutely different levels of variance to how much love and effort can change things, and that is usually decided by the individual. And even if things are nice, if there are these big huge gaps in things that are core and fundamentally Bedrocks for relationships that are healthy and long lasting, even with adjusting for other things you might end up min maxing a flaw situation. If I’m trying to go support rengar , and it is not working I can of course study and really grind out different ways to optimize it, but if my goal is to win I can just swap two jungle and everything will be so much easier. The sunk cost fallacy is I think a good thing to remember in cases like this, where just because I have gotten ahead of myself and seen different point of progress and really committed to this thing, that doesn’t mean that it is the right decision to make. I do wish her the best, and I really do hope that she finds someone closer to her, and I hope that that person is someone that can maybe help ease some of that pain that comes from growing. And I also hope that I can find someone much closer to me, and I can build something truly wonderful on a firm bedrock.

I woke up because I remembered that I forgot to write today. I got caught off guard by a video of her earlier today, and I deleted it from my files. I ended up going to my car for lunch and crying for the first half of it. I did feel better afterwards, I also did talk to a friend. I think at the end of the day it’s both a mixture of me stopping my abuse of something that was unhealthy but felt really good, and also stepping away from something that was good because there is much better waiting. Additionally this was a firework, in the sense that it was not something that would’ve been sustainable. And so like every firework, it needs to end. I really tried to intellectualize it in a lot of different ways, but at the end of the day it is just grief. We spent a lot of time together, and I would like to think that we made a lot of really nice memories. But at the same time we both were somewhat necessary stepping stones to each each other I think. I think it’s up to us as individuals to decide how many more stepping stones we need, and the way we control that is by learning as much as we can from the experience, and also minimizing the wrong conclusions that we draw. Like for example, part of me felt like oh I should not try to date another gamer. But that’s not true at all, it’s just not something I should necessarily optimize for. I also think that certain things that I felt like we were red flags in her should be things that I should avoid like the plague, like how she played Valorant. But speculation aside, she didn’t do anything bad because of that. I did make a new friend today, and I might be able to get into cosplay! It’s something I think fairly foreign and somewhat unexpected, but it is something that I’ve been wanting to try. I really want to make some costumes, and also I would love if I can engineer some stuff for them. I also got to play games with two really close friends which I always enjoy. It’s weird that I’ve gotten kind of used to this, as opposed to life with E. And I feel so much more stable and rooted, and not like my well-being and life depends so much on someone else that is volatile. I’ve also found myself in a lot of different ways, like I get to be really excited and sing along with things after the gym because I get to push myself hard enough. I get to do stupid things and just do that kind of laugh that I do by myself because of the realization of how fucking weird I am at times. I get to explore different creative projects, and ideas there without I guess filtering my thoughts through someone else. And it’s not like those things are necessarily horrible things either. But it is nice to have this solo time. And that’s not exactly something that I can fault her for, but just rather that I realize we both made this mistake with. And I would like to not make that mistake again in the future, and that way I can have something much more healthy and I wanna see what that love is like.

I had a pretty shitty day today, I didn’t get enough sleep last night and I had a lot of work. I also had to wake up really early for a meeting. I ended up feeling a lot of dread at the prospect of finding community of dealing with potential loneliness, and I had to remind myself that I’m just tired and the world looks worse than it is. A part of me didn’t want to go to the gym, and I didn’t even take my normal pre-workout, and I wanted to skip the heavy exercises because I just did not feel good. So instead I just absolutely pushed my body to its absolute limits, and I was just doing exercises to hurt in the best way. I was going absolutely to failure, and at some point I even almost passed out from getting so lightheaded afterwards. At one point I had an idea of a photo that made me laugh so fucking hard that I finished my set and then made it and sent it to A. When I got home, I bought him slay the spire 2 and we played that for a while and it was actually really fun playing it multiplayer. And I feel good again. Today was also the two week mark after I broke up with E, and I actually forgot to record a video to myself today. What a weird thing, but I actually do feel like it doesn’t hurt that much to think about. I think I filled myself up with so many experiences that it’s felt like so much longer than it has been, and I feel like I’ve really spent a lot of time processing a lot of the feelings.

To be fully honest, the only need that gets left neglected when not in a relationship is sex. Everything else through some extent I can fill through other ways. I also do think that validation is something that I will be missing, and I think maybe it’s a noble goal to pursue feeling like I don’t even need external validation.

I would also like to learn more about the abundance mindset, I’d like to focus more on believing that there are plenty of wonderful women out there that will match my energy, both the chaotic sides, and also the emotionally intelligent sides. I think the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve really liked the idea of having a partner that’s similar to me in terms of intelligence. I think there’s so many nice knock on effects from that, like I think humor is a good signal, I think the ability to change is really nice, the ability to do things at a higher level is also really fun, and it reminds me of something my therapist said in a way. My therapist mentioned how someone who has their life together, it is successful and financially independent, how that’s a strong signal that correlates with emotional intelligence. Mostly just because when you have those basic needs met, you have the room to focus on emotional growth, similar to Maslow‘s hierarchy of needs. And also there’s the massive benefit of dual income which would be fucking fire, because I already make a lot of money on my own. I think if my future partner is also successful, having that level of wealth would be fucking awesome. Like I think that level of wealth really enables stuff like traveling the world, or being able to get a lot of really cool luxury things, like PC stuff, nice furniture, and of course the financial freedom. I already have the house part covered, and so I think if I can find a partner that is in a similar financial situation to me, that would be absolutely financial freedom.

I hosted a lot of friends over today. They came over from 1 all the way till eight or 9 PM. This was the most amount of people I’ve hosted, like around like 12 or 13 at the peak. I’m glad I did it, but my social battery I think is drained. I think there’s also a certain amount of growing pain in finding your community of people and who you feel comfortable with.

I don’t think about her as much anymore. I almost have started to forget her face, but whenever I remember that, I think back to her and I have to stop myself. I also know that I have a lot of photos of her, and honestly I want to go back and look at them. But I don’t do it cause I know it’s smart not to. It’s strange because I don’t even know how much of her I miss, versus if I just miss the holes that she filled. But at the same time I think it’s a little bit of a mixture of both. I really do miss a lot of the connection in the suite moments that we shared, and a lot of the things that we were able to do together. But I think this is a dangerous thing, romanticizing things this soon. I still find that some of the places where it hurt me a lot are still sore. I try not to avoid things that remind me of her, but I don’t really want to see anything about VALORANT or VR chat. It’s weird to have tied myself so closely to someone who gave me so much doubt and anxiety. It’s weird the lack of self-respect/self-love that I had. I think I wanted a relationship so desperately, and I wanted it to work so badly that I kept telling myself that what happened was just a fluke over and over again. But at the same time that doesn’t make it any different, how nice and safe it felt to wake up to her. In the middle of the night waking up, and rolling over and pulling her arm over me, and getting to be hugged and cuddled to bed. Having someone that would lay on me. Feeling her hands pushing on my body in her shitty attempts at massages. It’s hard because she wasn’t a great partner a lot of different ways, but I think she did try. And at the end of the day someone can be good but not good enough. And I guess I just have a higher bar. I think she will have another partner that is maybe a little bit less mentally dominant that can coexist with her a little bit better, and things can be more her speed. And I think she’ll be happy and I think her partner will be very happy with her. She has a very kind heart. Just a bit naïve and with some growing to do. And I kind of feel like I grabbed her along and dragged her at my speed in life, and I think that’s not something she was ready for. We really are at different stages of life. In more ways than one. And I don’t miss having to almost regress myself in several different ways to match a little bit more. And I really like the stability that I have now. But I do mourn the future that I had planned and hoped for. I kept telling myself that people are just young right now, and if you give it a little bit of time people will mature more and grow. And I think that’s true, but at the same time I don’t know what I can even expect.

It’s a weird thing to me, I feel like in a lot of ways I consider myself exceptional, but at the same time I have problems with my self-worth. Sometimes I just wish that I was loved as a child and I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to figure out a concept that I never could believe. Like how could you fucking tell me that someone could just love you no matter what. Like even if you did bad at things, or even if you fucked up or even if you asked for help or a fucking hug sometimes, they would actually give it to you? Like if you told your parent that you were hurting, they would care? What a stupid fucking fantasy that is. And I know that it’s reality for a lot of people, but I just almost want to refuse the fact that it exists. The grapes I cannot taste must be sour. But I fucking just wish I could have been loved, not even for how much nicer it would’ve made the rest of my life, and maybe not making me try to kill myself. But even just for the fact that I could see myself as someone worth loving to myself, and to others. Because I say that I love myself and I think I do, but at the same time when I think of anyone else it’s almost like the only thing I should be loved for is either value, or loyalty from value I’ve already provided. And that fucking hurts to go through life that way.

N Said something that pissed me off in our group chat, and so I messaged L About it and we just kept talking in the conversation shifted and we ended up calling, and we called for like almost 2 hours lol. I’ve been just walking around my downstairs island this whole time, and we talked about deciding on a PhD and how different the world is after college, and how much Stress there was for stuff that really didn’t matter. it was honestly really nice because he was in a very similar situation to what I was in, so I felt like I was able to give some pretty good advice or at least explain how things went for me. And also I guess I kind of realize how things feel good. I’ve spent a lot of time with friends remotely today, and it’s to the point where spending some time alone actually feels like a treat sometimes. I think after the breakup I was very worried about that, because the crushing loneliness absolutely is miserable. But I think if I keep my life filled through all of these different means, yes it’s a little bit less intense and I do miss certain things that you can only really have in a relationship, but my life overall feels richer. I think this is the healthier version for life, and it’s much more stable. And I think once in a while I do have these pangs of missing certain things from a relationship, like sex, or those cringe things you can do as a couple. But at the same time it’s not nearly enough to heavily sit in my mind which is really nice. It’s also nice because I don’t feel like I’m hyper focusing on how to make myself a more desirable partner, but rather just how to fill up a life more for myself. And I think dating is almost shifting in my mind into something where I’m in a position of power, in wanting to find out or understand more about the other person, and if they are someone that I would want to spend my life with. Before I mostly viewed it I think as an interview where I really wanted to be chosen. But I think dating apps and other things really skewed that for me, and I’m very grateful and excited honestly to view things in this lens.

Every passing day gets easier, as I recognize more and more that I had a lot of good memories with her, but at the same time she is not the person that I would want to spend my life with. I think I have both learned that I need to be a lot more picky in love, and also how if I am not happy being a single or happy with my life, I’m so much more susceptible to a bad relationship. To be completely honest, this last relationship happened a big part because I had just moved and I was struggling to make friends and I was struggling with that loneliness. But I absolutely have that dog in me. I can make friends, I can be an extrovert at Will, I can organize events, I can garner people around me to do things, because I’ve put in that effort before and I get to reap the rewards from that. Keep in mind that things are not difficult, they are just unfamiliar.

It’s weird, it’s been 10 days since we’ve broken up but I feel a sense of peace. I don’t hate her at all, and there’s still of course a couple of things that still hurt that I need to just get exposed to, and also to wait for time. Something I’ve had to be conscious enough is not attributing certain attributes about her as bad things, like for example the fact that she played Valorant or would do certain things at the gym, I noticed that sometimes I get the urge to pull away from it, and I tell myself that “Oh in the future I wouldn’t want a partner like that”. But those things aren’t the issue, it’s more things like the lack of accountability, or the feeling of having to drag someone into adulthood. Those are valid things, but the rest aren’t that deep. Either way I’m very excited because tomorrow I’m going to make a complete song with S, and I’m excited to just spend time with him and make something stupid.

I threw away some good stuff, nothing too crazy but some stuff for sure. I have a meeting with my boss in a little bit, but I wanted to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about trying to juggle my work with her outburst or behaviors. There were too many times where my dream job became a conflict with her behaviors, and I suffered a lot for it. I don’t have to worry about that anymore. There was so much volatility and things that were just not at all OK, and I’m so grateful that that’s gone. I need to remind myself that nostalgia only exists because we forget the reasons why we move from that place in the first case. There were so many issues and while I was in the relationship, I didn’t really want to fully be in it in some ways. The only thing I was clutching onto was the hope that things would change, and now that I have my confirmation I am grateful to have the experience, and I’m also grateful to be gone.

It’s day nine after the break up. And today fucking hurt like hell, I emailed her the Minecraft world and told her that I had unfriended her little brother which was the last two loose ends. And she responded thank you with a period and so it’s over. It hurts a lot because I loved her, and a part of me still does. But at the same time I’ve grown and I’ve learned that the relationship was not good for me. It was a constant cycle of scraps of love and hope, and then she would do something bad or hurtful and that would make me feel unsafe and betrayed, and then after I would apologize even though I shouldn’t have, then she would apologize and then give me hope and the love again for a couple days. And that is very addicting to the brain, and I recognize that because I’m having withdrawals. I so desperately wanted to talk with her because it feels like I’m due for my next hit, where she’s going to be kind and she’s going to be loving and sweet, but it’s done and I need to remind myself that.

I think I want to remind myself is that she absolutely loved me, but I don’t think to me I was loved enough. I think if it had been a more proper love, she wouldn’t have done things out of anger that hurt me or broke my trust or betrayed me, and she wouldn’t have consistently crossed boundaries and continued to hurt me very deeply without making any kind of a change. And I’m not saying that she’s a bad person, I think she’s someone who has a lot of growing to do, and also was dealt a bad hand. But at the end of the day those things are her responsibility and not mine. I deserve a relationship where it is reciprocated, my love, the effort that I put in, and the care that I put into my partner’s well-being. I don’t deserve to be in a relationship where the other person is OK with hurting me, consistently and as a pattern. I know that she didn’t mean to manipulate me either, but she consistently did in several different ways and even if it’s out of ignorance, it still is manipulation. And all of the crying and guilt that she felt I appreciate, because it shows that she did not take pride in her actions, but at the same time tears are not enough, and she just continued to hurt me and break my trust over and over again. And so I know that she is not the one for me. And I think it’s a really strange thing for someone who might’ve grown up with love, to understand that this is not something to accept, and that things can be so much better. But to me, I was neglected as a kid and so I didn’t get to experience what love felt like, and so when I get these small scraps to someone else it might feel like being mistreated, but to me this is more than I’ve ever felt before. And it sucks because that made me so much more susceptible to love bombing, and sweet promises. It’s so incredibly cruel and convincing when someone is so starred for this love to tell them consistently how much you matter, and also how you want to be with them in all of these intense different ways. But those things were not true, and I think she also got swept up in this fantasy. I’m again saying all these things not because I blame her, but because it did happen to me and I want to acknowledge that. And I didn’t deserve a lot of the stuff that happened, I didn’t do bad things back, I didn’t retaliate, I didn’t mistreat her, and there were mistakes that I made like going too fast or not setting boundaries earlier, but these were not things that hurt her, but rather were things that should’ve protected me. I think I fall into a trap thinking about if she is hurting or what she is doing, or if she’s going to move on, or if she’s thinking about me, and all these things do not matter. They are ways of keeping me trapped in the past, and that was a lesson that I’ve learned from and it was a person that I got to spend a lot of good memories with. But that person is gone and so is the person that was in that relationship from my sign. I’m right now driving on a route back from the airport that I remember because after almost a month apart I took her back the same path. And I remember how good it felt to finally hear her voice not over a microphone or a speaker, and to feel her legs in my hands. And I also thought a lot about how she was my baby, and how I thought those names were cringe until I got it with her. And I really wanted to protect her and keep her safe, because I really felt like a caretaker to her. I also need to remind myself that there are going to be people out there that would not treat me or do the same things that she did, there will be people out there that will love me without having the additional baggage of emotional work left undone, like self sabotage, or insecurities, or lack of independence. There will be people that have gone through experiences in life, and have properly grown from them the same way that I hoped to. There will be people that will challenge me, that will pridefully show me off and want me to meet their friends, there will be people that will be so incredibly happy and lucky to have me in their lives, and I will feel the same way towards them. There will be people that will actively make me laugh, not just reiterate my jokes or give me opportunities to make myself laugh. There will be people that enjoy learning as much as I do and growth, and I can be competitive with and actually be competitive with. I won’t have to permanently handicap myself around them to make things fair, and the other person won’t feel patronized. I won’t have to worry about someone else’s ego and constantly censor the things that I do. I won’t have to worry about when I’m not with them, because there will be people out there that do not give me reasons to worry especially so early on. There will be people out there that will apologize without me having to beg for it. That was a big thing, I remembered how much I had to beg for certain things. Like I had to ask her to tell me that she didn’t forget about it and that she is sorry. Or that she could try to do something without me having to handhold her or walk her through it to show that she cares. And on top of it she would actually do the things that I would ask her to do. I wouldn’t have to worry about someone who just felt like they did not have the mental capacity to recognize what things needed to be done without instruction. I would want a partner that gets me a thoughtful Christmas gift and a birthday present and something sweet that feels like they understand me or that they care and that they put an effort, rather than me giving them an explicit Christmas list and explicitly same things that they went against or completely ignored. And then afterwards they wouldn’t say something like oh I just didn’t think about it, and that would be a reasonable explanation to me. Like the fact that she crossed my boundaries and immediately again hurt me in those ways and showed me how little I mattered, and her excuse was just the fact that she did not think about it. I deserve to be with someone who has the mental capacity to fucking think about things like that. Because I deserve to take a space in someone’s mind, and if there isn’t enough space to begin with, there’s nothing I can do. When she would give me the space it would feel like it’s suffocates her and gets rid of her as a person, and I fear that maybe that’s just because she did not have enough space to begin with. And I deserve to be with someone who can see me in a much bigger way than what she did. I know that I will never be fully seen, and I know that of course people will not read your mind and fully understand and into it everything that comes to your heart but it shouldn’t be this damn low. There will be someone out there who does not have unresolved baggage. There is nothing wrong with having poor circumstances of birth, and also the ways that we cope with things. But it is your responsibility to deal with that baggage. And that was not something that she had done and that put all of that burden onto me and that crushed me. And I’m right now driving past her school, and where she is. And it hurts, but I also have this desperation and anger that at least lets me advocate for myself enough to not just feel like shit. Because I know that I have the problem from growing up of putting all of my interest all of my feelings and wishes on the back burner, and instead I focused fully on trying to take care of the other person because that’s what I had to do with my mom. And that’s what I also felt like I had to do with her, but I don’t have to do that. And so I’m driving past a lot of memories that I have with her, the constant late nights and the hours of driving I would do just to see her. And I think about all of these sweet memories and I also hold this in mind with the person I share these things with. And even regardless of all of the other bad things, we just were not that compatible in the first place. I think I have very much convince myself how easy it is to love, and I think I almost need to be pickier with who I give that love to. Regardless of if it’s correct or not, my entire life my goal was to be happily married. That was my biggest desire, and it is not right for me to settle for this person. I refuse for something important to just accept the first person that gives me slight scraps, and is in such a drastically different place of overall from me. Like I don’t even know if I mentioned it yet, but I thought earlier about what would happen after she graduated, and she didn’t get any kind of a job, then what? Does she just not pay anything towards rent but lives in this really nice house for free? And on top of it would I then take care of her finances in addition to her parents? And would she continue to waste her money on gifts and small things like snack snacks or food for me when I’m paying for essential things for her. She was not responsible, she is inexperienced in life in a lot of ways, and for me at least my parents stopped micromanaging everything about my life when I entered college. For her her parents still do that, and I’m very grateful that she has a very sweet mom and parents I can financially support her, but at the same time it does hinder her a lot. And that’s not something I want in a partner. I don’t want a partner with these naïve lofty dreams, talking about wanting to buy their own house in their 20s, and getting a nice fancy sports car and customizing it and making it really pretty, and not understanding how certain things in life are absolutely a luxury. Having to reconcile this fantasy world that she has been piggybacked on is something that causes a lot of strife, and it’s something that I don’t want to deal with and I don’t have to. I don’t have to sit and hope that she changes for the better in the immediate big problems, well not even thinking about the fundamental in compatibilities. It hurts a lot, it hurts so much to lose someone that did love you. And it hurts a lot to see how it goes from this cycle of hot and cold to just a permanent cold. But it’s absolutely without a doubt for the best. And I guess I just need to hurt, because I need to let my brain regulate itself and understand that all of his hope and fantasy is gone. And I need to truly feel that in both my brain and my heart. And I think I know that in my brain, but my heart still feels it. And my heart still belongs for her, but it doesn’t even belong for her, as long as for this idealized version of her, as long as for this fantasy that we built together. But there will be someone for sure in the future that will be kind to me, and that will love me, and that will not have all these additional caveat. Absolutely in the future my partner will not be perfect. They are going to have their fair sheriff baggage, as do I. They are going to fuck up, but the difference will be that they can recognize it and take accountability, not just push it off and make it a painful thing to me. They will respect me and they will cherish me, and they will have done similar work to what I’ve done to get to where I am now. And that is the person that I want to raise my future family with. I don’t want the person that I feel like I have to parent, or Coach, or suck up shit from. And I will be able to make so many beautiful memories with those future people, and it might not be the next relationship that’s the one, it might not be the one after that, and I don’t know when it’s gonna be, but I absolutely will be able to make so many even more beautiful memories. Like for fucks sake, one of the happiest memories I have is when I gave her her childhood stuffed animal that she had been searching for for Christmas. And that was the same Christmas that she basically spat on my face, and put so little effort it felt like a direct jab at asking how much I would tolerate. And I know that stuff like giving presents and things like that are stressful, and if you wanna be an adult about it you can speak about those feelings sooner. But instead she just did not put any effort. And that is not what I deserve. I deserve to be loved, and I know that karma exists, and if I do the right things and work on myself and build this life that is beautiful and something that makes me so thankful to be alive for, I will have been so grateful that I got the experience to do it.

Here is gonna be another weird post in a long line of weird posts, I’m also using voice to text like I have been recently so future me if you’re reading this and there are typos good luck. I actually kind of think it’s a little bit funny if I purposely don’t correct them and I don’t even read over it so enjoy that bit future me. Today was the eighth day after the breakup and it was really hard again. I recognized that even if I’m aware of it I keep falling back into this trap of over intellectualizing, because it’s otherwise terrifying to just feel this horror and this tightness and this pain in my chest and my stomach and nausea and the crippling pain that it gives me, and not really do anything about it. It almost feels like depression in a way where there has to be some kind of action to stop the feeling otherwise it will be inevitable, but grief is fundamentally different than that. Sometimes you just have to drain these feelings slowly, and you can either suppress it as much as you can and let it leak out over years, or you can also let yourself face the emotions at a pace that you can. And so another kind of important thing I wanna let you know about and I know that you know this because you are future me, but I just wanna remind you Dash crying helps a lot. Get yourself to that point where you can, and then just break down crying. I promise you you will feel better afterwards.

I wonder if that line worked for me. I watched a couple school of life videos on love, and I think I’m drilling this idea in different ways into my head and I’m very grateful for that. I think I need to learn to be much more picky with love, in the sense that I should not accept things that are not reciprocal. I’ve often told myself that I am an exceptional person in several different ways, and I apologize for the wrong grammar but I said that while I was still flushing out the thought. I’ve often told myself that I am a exceptional person in several different ways, and I apologize for the wrong grammar but I said that while I was still flushing out the thought. But I’ve often told myself that I’ve had a very rough childhood emotionally, which has been something that’s a sink or swim experience and has very much given me a lot of benefits in the sense of emotional insight and maturity and so forth. I’ve told myself also that these are things that I often don’t see too much in people around my age, and so I cannot really expect in a relationship. But at the same time, I exist I am fundamentally not special, meaning I am not unique in this. And that means that there will be other people out there that can match me in these ways. There will be some wonderful girl out there that has a great sense of humor, has this emotional intelligence and the ability to introspect and talk about these things even when they don’t apply to her the same way that I do with myself. There will be someone that will be incredibly kind to me, and that will treat me the way that I treat them. There will be someone where I won’t have to worry about teaching them certain things or fixing their problems for them. I really need to remind myself that I have this pattern from childhood of feeling like I need to fix a relationship and make it work, because they’ve given me love and that is my only avenue for it. I have this feeling because I grew up and you don’t get to choose your parents, you just had to deal with Mama and you had to do whatever you could to keep the peace and try to receive love if you dare to try. But the big difference is I am an adult now and I’m not a child. I’m not forced to work it out with some partner because they are there the same way my mom was. I have the freedom to get up and leave. And I think that’s fundamentally so incredibly important. And I think this is kind of why the advice of being comfortable with the thought of not being in a relationship even indefinitely is important. If I truly can be happy and content in my life without the idea of a relationship, then I do not feel like I am forced to put up or accept whatever offer is currently in my hands. Because I don’t have any sort of guarantees on things like relationships or stuff like that the fear of ending up alone is terrifying, but that is precisely what keeps me from finding someone who would be incredible for me. And remember that the love you accept is the love you think you deserve. I stayed with E for so long because I thought that was the love that I deserved, and I have been starved for it my whole life. But I know that I deserve more than that, and I understand that you cannot choose the circumstances of your birth you cannot choose the love that you’re given as a childhood or the childhood that you’re given overall. But what you can do is you can choose the people that you give your love to and that you hold close to your heart. Do not rush into love, and do not seek it so desperately. Because then you will have the ability to really choose correct correctly. Remember that this is the most important interview of your life, and it only needs to work once. You are feeling a seat not an entire bus. I love you so much and I hope that you love yourself even more than I do right now.