An Open Letter

It’s an ugly feeling that I don’t like, and I was already starting to journal in my head when I was driving home, and several different things came to mind. One of the things was that I just kept thinking to myself that I am an ugly person, not physically, but in the sense of this jealousy and envy. Later today I am hanging out with J and I, and both of them I would consider as close friends of mine that I hang out with frequently. I is a relatively newer friend and I’m honestly not that close with him yet, but J is. I have my therapy session today, and they knew that I was busy with that, and we have plans to hang out later, but apparently right now they are hanging out together.. I have to be careful with my mind and my thoughts because I automatically kind of want to feel like shit and remind myself of how excluded I am, but that’s likely not the case this is just childhood scars and attachment wounds in play. But I can’t lie it does kind of feel shitty to not be invited. And it hurts because I considered and I still do, J as one of my closest friends here. Who am I kidding, she is my closest friend here. And she connects with I pretty well it seems like they have their own friendship completely separate from me which is completely normal and I understand is healthy and natural, but it hurts me in these jealous ways. Like I think about how she doesn’t invite me over to just like I just be there and have her cook, and then I think about the places where I kind of feel a little bit of rejection from her. And I start to feel this ugly thing rear its head. And I know that I’m being irrational or I’m just kind of like replaying past patterns and this isn’t actually what’s happening, but I would be lying if I didn’t at least acknowledge the way that I’m feeling. I feel like I had a pretty nice long stretch of feeling like I am socially where I would like to be, but when something as benign as two of my friends being friends with each other in a way that doesn’t revolve around me happens, it’s enough for me to get in my head in this way. And even though it’s not true, I take this ambiguity to reinforce these painful thoughts of the possibility that I am liked by many, but no one’s number one. This feeling that I could disappear without consequence. It’s the same feeling I get after I host an event and everyone there has fun, but it’s almost like they have fun with other people and my value is as the one who facilitates it, and not much else. I turned on do not disturb just now because it has been like 10 minutes since I sent a message that was a little bit risky, in response to I saying that J is currently cooking and that he is over at her place. I wanted to fertilize that I would appreciate an invite even if they think I could not make it, and I said “mfw no invite 😔”. I feel kind of ashamed because it feels insecure to me, but I also don’t really know how to voice my asks properly. I guess I feel like whenever people invite me to things it’s like them saying that they actively want me there, and it’s not just because I am the one providing something. It’s like someone saying that they want my company, not just what I plan or invite them to. I am a little bit weary about venting in this way because I don’t want to confirm feelings that maybe are just transient, or things that I shouldn’t necessarily give weight to. But I also feel like maybe if I can say these things into words I can process these emotions. Thankfully I have my therapy session right after this. I remember at the end of obsession bear commits suicide in Nikki’s arms, and she desperately holds him and cries and begs for him to come back. And I remember how my brain automatically told me how no one feels that way about me. And I think that thought is an extreme instance of the underlying seed, which is the feeling that I could disappear easily. And I feel this way maybe because I grew up with this being drilled into me. I remember one year my parents forgot my birthday. I remember feeling hurt about how friends didn’t remember mine, I remember for Christmas one time a friend got everyone a present looked around and said is that everyone, went yup! And I was pretty much the only person without a present. I remember getting my best friend a present and she didn’t really get me anything, and when I said that made me sad, she went nuclear and completely ghosted me. I remember the one time I got to have a birthday party, I think I was 16, and that same friend that I had known since kindergarten started crying and everyone spent the rest of the night comforting her. And everyone kind of forgot about me at my own party. And I think about the time when I try to commit suicide and I got hospitalized and no one knew about it. Not even my family. It was several months later when my dad found out from the insurance bill. And I feel like this is not maybe what people deserve. But this was the hand that I was dealt. And unfortunately that is the mold that I have to break out of as an adult now. And it’s hard because there are so many different little sections of it that are completely hardened and rigid, and they won’t change until something presses against it like it does now. And so even though my life is such a nice one, and I had so many people envy me and I even think about how grateful I am for it, something this small happens and I’m reminded of the cage I grew up in. And it kills me to think about these hypotheticals that I don’t even think exist, those of people that check in on you, where it’s not an inconvenience or ask. Where people willingly tell you that you have a space in this world and in their minds and that they are happy that you exist. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of of my life going through it and learning that love is not really something that you get, it’s something that you earn. And it’s something that you kind of constantly have to pay for. And sometimes it feels like I just don’t have it now for it. And I get that I’m wrong in this, at least I really hope that I am. But it just feels shitty to think about how it exists out there, unconditional love or at least something near that. A love that exists when you aren’t at your best. And I feel like that is the most accurate way of putting how I feel, I know that I am loved when it is easy or when I am just that worth it. The problem is feel so much pressure to keep this up and the fact that sometimes it just doesn’t work. And I don’t even know what I would want differently here that is reasonable. Like all it is is two friends are hanging out together before we all hang out together. And I guess I would want to be invited or to just I just know that I’m not being replaced. And sometimes it just feels like I serve as a platform for other people, but at the end of the day they form connections and I just exist. Maybe I expect too much from friends. I think it is unreasonable and it’s not a healthy thing to expect to be invited every single time or to expect them to want to only hang out with me, and never just them together. I just feel excluded, and it feels like even though I am the friend that brings all these people together, and so I am the person that is at the forefront, at the end of the day that is not the person that they want to connect with. I really want the kind of love where I’m not afraid of it expiring or going away. One where is conditional on the core being that I am, not extra things like me putting in this much effort to connect. And the sad thing is I will still put in that effort, because I need connection. But it feels like I’m constantly job searching and preparing for interviews and going through that and I never have that security. And it just feels like I’m going to get cornered out of this friendship. And then where do I go? I have other friends and it’s not like I can’t deepen other friendships. And it’s not like that’s happening anyway. I just get terrified when the security that I value feels threatened. J is my best friend in person, and by far the person that I interact with most. And I felt secure that she is my best friend here, and vice versa. It’s that fear that priority goes away. And my access to someone I’m close with shrinks. I know that I want to start dating now, and I kind of am worried about codependency, because I think the thought of someone being completely reliable and completely there is addicting. And it feels safe. It feels like I can have something that I have been searching for and rest with that. And I’m tired feel like I have had to fight for so many things in this life that are kind of essential for a good life. And I wish that life was a little bit easier. I wish that connection was not something I have to work hard and face uncertainty with, and I wish that it was just a basic human right. I wish that I grew up with abundant love. I wish that I modeled the world in a way that I default to feeling connected to people when I need support, rather than isolation. And I worry so much about over depending on people or asking for too much, and I feel like it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy because the more I don’t ask for help the more builds up until it becomes a monumental ask. And it feels unfair because I know that the world has been exceptionally kind to me, there have been so many places where I have been so incredibly privileged and unfortunate. And I sometimes can’t even comprehend how I would go through life if I didn’t have some of the blessings that I do. I think about how I struggle already, and how if I added it on some large problems that a lot of people have to face like financial insecurity, or things that the basic needs that all humans have, for stability, safety shelter food, etc. I don’t have to face those things really, and I still struggle enough to sometimes just want to have a way out of it. And I think about how they kind universe should not feel this way. And I know that this is strongly because of the mental conditions that I have that make everything seem worse than they are. And fundamentally if the scoring is wrong it’s pretty damn hard to win the game. But I feel like I would see more sunsets and smile more if life was a bit more kind. And it took me a while to say that sentence because I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe a lot of this because I have a scarcity Puff it. I know how meaningful and rare these happy moments can be. And we could fit whenever I get them I want to hang onto them as much as possible and savor them, or at least I try to. And I guess this only happens because of depression. Without it I would not have to understand the value of it and the scarcity that comes. And I guess for that I am grateful. And at least circling back to the original point, I do think that they are not excluding me, or anything like that. It’s not like I am losing friends. I’m just incredibly sensitive to this sort of feedback and I take a lot of this with a very negative lens to protect myself. But that does not make it any more true than it is.

Honestly today I was just feeling myself. I low-key was in that flow state, smooth with it type beat. I’m looking forward to this three day weekend!

I give me a ride home today since it was pretty close by for us, and holy shit his car is so cool. I was talking with J about How I feel like I struggle to really connect with Him and I think it’s mostly because of my discomfort around men. He really hasn’t given me any reason to be wary of him, I honestly try to feel guilty for treating people unfairly in this sense. I think I find it hard to see men as potentially good friends, I think I’m always kind of waiting for the shooter to find out they aren’t really good people for some reason or another. and it’s strange because with women, I very much give benefit of the doubt and I assume kind of the best. And it’s funny because I don’t really think I’ve had any experiences where I have been tricked by a male friend. But I have had bad experiences with female friends and I still give them benefit of the doubt. It’s just a strange thing.

Yesterday night I couldn’t sleep at all, I laid awake in bed until five in the morning and it took a pretty big toll on my cognitive function so I’m hoping that I can sleep some more today.

I think this is a topic I would like to articulate my thoughts on better because I found that it was hard to decisively explain what I meant by it when it was disagreed with I do believe in the thought but I guess I didn’t have a strong enough or well put together explanation that would make sense easily and so at some point I would like to flesh that out. Not today though I’m really tired.

I went to send a reel to someone on Instagram and E’s Account showed up even though neither of us follow the other. I went out of my way to go and then block her account so that it does not randomly show up. It caught me off guard because she had changed her profile picture, and I have been good at not doing this until now, but when I went to block her I knew that I would see her bio and if I’m being honest I was hoping that there wouldn’t be a date of her and a new partner, and there wasn’t and honestly I am kind of thankful for that. I feel like that makes me believe more when she said that she wouldn’t date for a while if we broke up because it would mean a lot to her. But also even if it didn’t mean that to her, I’m happy that she’s not just jumping from relationship to relationship. And I’m also happy that I don’t have to deal with that mess of wondering about it or anything like that. And so hopefully by blocking her it doesn’t come back up again and I don’t have to face any kind of temptation to look. With all of the time that’s passed, I wish the best for her, and I also hope that she is a closed chapter in my life. I don’t hold any resentment towards her, and I have forgiven her because it no longer will affect me, she both will not have power or control over my life, but additionally I have worked on healing from the things that happened to me and now I do get benefits from learning more how to advocate for myself and understanding what things to look out for or so forth. I understand why people say that thing of I hope you get the world and I hope I never hear about it. I hope you’re well, and I hope her family well, but I also hope that I don’t hear about it. I am really thankful that passed me was strong enough to not retaliate or to be petty or to do anything like that because after everything that happened I can hold my head high with the whole experience.

Today I went to the beach with G, J and I, and we took a ton of photos. It was kind of funny because it was cloudy out, but it honestly matches my outfit pretty well so we take the winds where we can. At first we were just taking normal photos, and that quickly evolve into taking silly photos but we got a lot of really nice candid shots and I’m very happy that I have these photos of me now!

I feel like I’m at a weird impasse of feeling performative and being in the moment. I’m not being observed by anyone but I’m in my head to some extent about that. But some of these art pieces are moving me to the verge of tears, and it’s always the most inconspicuous ones. Like I see something that reminds me of something I’ve seen in my life before. Or I see something and a phrase or word just pops into my head, and I view it in that lens. I saw a piece which was a ton of threads over a canvas, and it felt like it circled around the center in some ways, and the phrase that came to mind was “God, I would have come home”. It just felt like all of the lines were choices or paths, and at some point it would have been a decision to go to a loved one. And the weird lack of structure or image makes it almost feel like just the emotion, and the loss of structure. And I think about what could be.

It is 3:45 in the morning and I’m about to go to bed. I’m coming back from a sewer rave that I went to by myself. while I was leaving one guy who is there with his girlfriend walking in said I see you jacked-ass motherfucker. Just another data point to hopefully help the body dysmorphia. I’m really happy with the life that I’ve been building, I feel like I’ve had several people tell me about how my life seems so interesting, and how I'm always doing cool things. I think younger me would be really proud of how much I’m living life intentionally. The world is such a grand place to explore and I get to do that.

It is currently four in the morning and I’m just about to go to bed after the reaper rave! I went with J And if I’m being honest I was a little bit worried that we would have a bit of a different vibe because I know that I’m a lot more expressive than she is, but she was actually super fun to go with and was dancing with me the whole time. We also went in matching jorts from a pair of jeans that we thrifted a long time ago for this reason. Another really sick thing was that during the main set, we were near the front and on the side where the private tables that cost $5000, compared to my $15 ticket lol. One of the people there really liked my vibe, and invited me under the divider to join them, and I told them I was with my friend and asked if she could also join and he said yes! They then offered us drinks, and we got to dance literally right next to the main stage which was so sick. Additionally I noticed that they had brought a couple of people from the main crowd, and they were all attractive girls. And then there was me, a guy, and I was the one that requested to bring my friend with me. It wasn’t even like they were trying to invite my friend over because she is an attractive girl, but no it was because of me! And I feel honestly really happy inside about the fact that someone enjoyed my presence so much that they decided to bring me over all of the other people there. He was sick because afterwards we got to talk with some of the openers and get their Instagram and photos with them! One of the people that was at that table at the end of the show came up to me and asked me if I was natural and oh my God. I think it’s such a weird thing because even though I really like the way that I look and I’m very happy with myself, I still do have body dysmorphia some extent. I look at my body naked flexing in good lighting, and I still feel like OK it’s like physique all things considered, and I am happy with it partially because I think that women don’t like super over the top fuzzy in practice More is exactly what a lot of women are looking for. I also do think that it is something for me and I really do like the way that my physique looks in certain ways. I also think however that when I wear clothing they really isn’t any clear something of my physique and I think that people can maybe guess out of politeness that I work out, because of my traps or the fact that I am a relatively low body fat. But I don’t think it’s really that obvious how much I work out. But then I have stuff like this where while I’m wearing a tank top a stranger comes up to me solely with the intention of asking if I use steroids. If I use the most conservative interpretation of that, of treating it like a compliment that is exaggerated, that’s still implies that the person clearly thinks that I work out. And I think it’s really funny because I remember it at least two points during the concert, I was looking at my arms while dancing and I thought about how dainty they look. And I often think about how I’m more or less just look like a regular person, because my natural physique is just less than that. But while we were walking back to the car, a random guy in a group yelled out that I looked jacked! And that’s so incredibly sweet of him. And even past that, two days ago at chess club when the organizer was talking about chess boxing and I got excited because I watched a bit of that, I joked that he should host that, and he said a comment about how I looked the part and asked if I had done boxing.

I am glad that I write down these compliments because reading back through them really does help, because even though that I worry it comes off to anyone who might potentially read this as me just sucking my own dick, I really do have those neural pathways wired into me from childhood and most of my life honestly, of being weak and having a really poor physique because I was never really something I cared about I guess. I always had other things to worry about. But even past that, I honestly do find it hard to understand how other people see me, and I think I’m afraid of viewing myself as jacked or something like that because maybe not everyone sees me that way, and maybe these are just people being friendly or supportive, and the cost of assuming and being confident that I am jacked, while people do not think that is massive. And since I grew up where that was the case, that is how I believe the world is and it’s really hard to convince someone that the world has changed. Especially when there’s always room for doubt. But I also think about it a little bit now in the lens of the thing I recently heard about, of negativity bias in dating which I journaled about I think yesterday. Yes there will always be people that don’t find me jacked or physically strong or whatever. And there will be some people that will always find me that way. And there will be a lot of people that I’m not sure about, and if I make the assumption that they must be doing it out of sympathy or to be nice, I am doing myself a big disservice. I think however that some of the most meaningful compliments I’ve gotten have been from people that aren’t trying to compliment me. Like I think about my old jiu-jitsu coach, who would get mad at me for using muscle or power even though I didn’t think I was. And he would kind of make fun of my muscles saying that that doesn’t need to help me and that is not the way to do it. And I almost think that those instances of feedback matter so much because that person isn’t trying to be nice to me or they aren’t trying to give me confidence, they just assume that I know that and that goes with the assumption that everyone else also does too. Maybe I am jacked.

Nothing else past that right now, I’m not even opening the app, but I did install it. And for now that will be my start. I want to get back into meditation because I feel like there’s a sense of tenacity that I gained from doing it, from having this kind of permanent sense of grounding that I can always come back to. And I guess that’s honestly it for today that’s all I’ll say.