An Open Letter

J Is both more photogenic Than me, but also worse at taking photos. It sucks because I look at these really nice photos of her I take and then I look at the photos of me and I kind of hate them, and I feel fat and gross and I feel insecure. And it’s weird because on one hand I’m like I don’t care if I gain weight because anyway that’s kind of attractive in its own way and I get to be strong, but when I see like my chin I feel bad.

Against my will I did my first group FaceTime call to resolve some of the tension around a situation I’ve been hearing about essentially through proxy. thankfully it didn’t go that bad, but it was a bit of an uncomfortable situation to essentially have to mediate and suggest boundaries between two friends that got crushes on each other when it is not appropriate. One of them is in a long-term committed relationship, and the other is just getting out of a long term codependent relationship. I’m happy with how I handled it though, and also to their credit they handled it pretty well.

I went through and selected six categories and candidate photos and started going through them. I’m honestly anxious, and I find myself caught in this cycle of wanting my first impression to be my best foot forward because that’s essentially my seeding for the algorithm. It is honestly kind of scary if I’m being honest.

My phone battery is getting very dangerously low and so I’m going to this quickly say this out loud. I hosted another game night tonight and even though the turnout wasn’t huge, we had 10 people and so we were able to play a couple games. I also asked people to bring snacks and I felt like most of the people were very grateful to be there to be invited, and I didn’t feel like I was just an organizer that doesn’t get to participate. Because of that I’m very grateful. I also got to play a lot of the games because a friend offered to host them as a storyteller and that made it a lot more fun for me.

I’m at the gym and this one girl caught my eye. She has a very nice body, and a cute face but there are also things I don’t prefer. She also wasn’t smiling or showing traits of things I look for (not saying she doesn’t have them). An interesting thing was I noticed I wanted to go talk to her or get her Instagram, even though I felt like I was out of her league. I think it’s a no go if I start off feeling like I’m settling, and so I won’t approach her, but I wanted to introspect on why I felt attracted to her BECAUSE of the mismatch/flaws. I think it’s a well documented thing about how people will “punch down” in hopes of security or being treated better as compensation, or something along those lines. I think part of this for me is a remnant of my lower self esteem growing up, and the idea that people like that would find me attractive and I’d have a chance. I think this is obviously flawed for several reasons, but another thing that comes to mind is the concept of “potential energy.” I saw this girl, and I thought about how if she continues to work out, or changes in some way or another then it would be amazing. But you cannot control someone else or make them change, and additionally I feel like it’s a bit shitty to want or expect someone to change. I also think back to my last relationship where I held myself there because I kept hoping for the potential of her. From that relationship one of the lessons I want to hold with me is to not look for potential, but rather accept the person infront of me. And I think that begins at the start, if I am not content with a person as they are, I should not pursue it. I’m not saying they have to be perfect, and I hope that people grow in relationships, myself included. I just hope that whoever I search for is someone I am happy with as is, without needing change.

It’s an ugly feeling that I don’t like, and I was already starting to journal in my head when I was driving home, and several different things came to mind. One of the things was that I just kept thinking to myself that I am an ugly person, not physically, but in the sense of this jealousy and envy. Later today I am hanging out with J and I, and both of them I would consider as close friends of mine that I hang out with frequently. I is a relatively newer friend and I’m honestly not that close with him yet, but J is. I have my therapy session today, and they knew that I was busy with that, and we have plans to hang out later, but apparently right now they are hanging out together.. I have to be careful with my mind and my thoughts because I automatically kind of want to feel like shit and remind myself of how excluded I am, but that’s likely not the case this is just childhood scars and attachment wounds in play. But I can’t lie it does kind of feel shitty to not be invited. And it hurts because I considered and I still do, J as one of my closest friends here. Who am I kidding, she is my closest friend here. And she connects with I pretty well it seems like they have their own friendship completely separate from me which is completely normal and I understand is healthy and natural, but it hurts me in these jealous ways. Like I think about how she doesn’t invite me over to just like I just be there and have her cook, and then I think about the places where I kind of feel a little bit of rejection from her. And I start to feel this ugly thing rear its head. And I know that I’m being irrational or I’m just kind of like replaying past patterns and this isn’t actually what’s happening, but I would be lying if I didn’t at least acknowledge the way that I’m feeling. I feel like I had a pretty nice long stretch of feeling like I am socially where I would like to be, but when something as benign as two of my friends being friends with each other in a way that doesn’t revolve around me happens, it’s enough for me to get in my head in this way. And even though it’s not true, I take this ambiguity to reinforce these painful thoughts of the possibility that I am liked by many, but no one’s number one. This feeling that I could disappear without consequence. It’s the same feeling I get after I host an event and everyone there has fun, but it’s almost like they have fun with other people and my value is as the one who facilitates it, and not much else. I turned on do not disturb just now because it has been like 10 minutes since I sent a message that was a little bit risky, in response to I saying that J is currently cooking and that he is over at her place. I wanted to fertilize that I would appreciate an invite even if they think I could not make it, and I said “mfw no invite 😔”. I feel kind of ashamed because it feels insecure to me, but I also don’t really know how to voice my asks properly. I guess I feel like whenever people invite me to things it’s like them saying that they actively want me there, and it’s not just because I am the one providing something. It’s like someone saying that they want my company, not just what I plan or invite them to. I am a little bit weary about venting in this way because I don’t want to confirm feelings that maybe are just transient, or things that I shouldn’t necessarily give weight to. But I also feel like maybe if I can say these things into words I can process these emotions. Thankfully I have my therapy session right after this. I remember at the end of obsession bear commits suicide in Nikki’s arms, and she desperately holds him and cries and begs for him to come back. And I remember how my brain automatically told me how no one feels that way about me. And I think that thought is an extreme instance of the underlying seed, which is the feeling that I could disappear easily. And I feel this way maybe because I grew up with this being drilled into me. I remember one year my parents forgot my birthday. I remember feeling hurt about how friends didn’t remember mine, I remember for Christmas one time a friend got everyone a present looked around and said is that everyone, went yup! And I was pretty much the only person without a present. I remember getting my best friend a present and she didn’t really get me anything, and when I said that made me sad, she went nuclear and completely ghosted me. I remember the one time I got to have a birthday party, I think I was 16, and that same friend that I had known since kindergarten started crying and everyone spent the rest of the night comforting her. And everyone kind of forgot about me at my own party. And I think about the time when I try to commit suicide and I got hospitalized and no one knew about it. Not even my family. It was several months later when my dad found out from the insurance bill. And I feel like this is not maybe what people deserve. But this was the hand that I was dealt. And unfortunately that is the mold that I have to break out of as an adult now. And it’s hard because there are so many different little sections of it that are completely hardened and rigid, and they won’t change until something presses against it like it does now. And so even though my life is such a nice one, and I had so many people envy me and I even think about how grateful I am for it, something this small happens and I’m reminded of the cage I grew up in. And it kills me to think about these hypotheticals that I don’t even think exist, those of people that check in on you, where it’s not an inconvenience or ask. Where people willingly tell you that you have a space in this world and in their minds and that they are happy that you exist. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of of my life going through it and learning that love is not really something that you get, it’s something that you earn. And it’s something that you kind of constantly have to pay for. And sometimes it feels like I just don’t have it now for it. And I get that I’m wrong in this, at least I really hope that I am. But it just feels shitty to think about how it exists out there, unconditional love or at least something near that. A love that exists when you aren’t at your best. And I feel like that is the most accurate way of putting how I feel, I know that I am loved when it is easy or when I am just that worth it. The problem is feel so much pressure to keep this up and the fact that sometimes it just doesn’t work. And I don’t even know what I would want differently here that is reasonable. Like all it is is two friends are hanging out together before we all hang out together. And I guess I would want to be invited or to just I just know that I’m not being replaced. And sometimes it just feels like I serve as a platform for other people, but at the end of the day they form connections and I just exist. Maybe I expect too much from friends. I think it is unreasonable and it’s not a healthy thing to expect to be invited every single time or to expect them to want to only hang out with me, and never just them together. I just feel excluded, and it feels like even though I am the friend that brings all these people together, and so I am the person that is at the forefront, at the end of the day that is not the person that they want to connect with. I really want the kind of love where I’m not afraid of it expiring or going away. One where is conditional on the core being that I am, not extra things like me putting in this much effort to connect. And the sad thing is I will still put in that effort, because I need connection. But it feels like I’m constantly job searching and preparing for interviews and going through that and I never have that security. And it just feels like I’m going to get cornered out of this friendship. And then where do I go? I have other friends and it’s not like I can’t deepen other friendships. And it’s not like that’s happening anyway. I just get terrified when the security that I value feels threatened. J is my best friend in person, and by far the person that I interact with most. And I felt secure that she is my best friend here, and vice versa. It’s that fear that priority goes away. And my access to someone I’m close with shrinks. I know that I want to start dating now, and I kind of am worried about codependency, because I think the thought of someone being completely reliable and completely there is addicting. And it feels safe. It feels like I can have something that I have been searching for and rest with that. And I’m tired feel like I have had to fight for so many things in this life that are kind of essential for a good life. And I wish that life was a little bit easier. I wish that connection was not something I have to work hard and face uncertainty with, and I wish that it was just a basic human right. I wish that I grew up with abundant love. I wish that I modeled the world in a way that I default to feeling connected to people when I need support, rather than isolation. And I worry so much about over depending on people or asking for too much, and I feel like it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy because the more I don’t ask for help the more builds up until it becomes a monumental ask. And it feels unfair because I know that the world has been exceptionally kind to me, there have been so many places where I have been so incredibly privileged and unfortunate. And I sometimes can’t even comprehend how I would go through life if I didn’t have some of the blessings that I do. I think about how I struggle already, and how if I added it on some large problems that a lot of people have to face like financial insecurity, or things that the basic needs that all humans have, for stability, safety shelter food, etc. I don’t have to face those things really, and I still struggle enough to sometimes just want to have a way out of it. And I think about how they kind universe should not feel this way. And I know that this is strongly because of the mental conditions that I have that make everything seem worse than they are. And fundamentally if the scoring is wrong it’s pretty damn hard to win the game. But I feel like I would see more sunsets and smile more if life was a bit more kind. And it took me a while to say that sentence because I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe a lot of this because I have a scarcity Puff it. I know how meaningful and rare these happy moments can be. And we could fit whenever I get them I want to hang onto them as much as possible and savor them, or at least I try to. And I guess this only happens because of depression. Without it I would not have to understand the value of it and the scarcity that comes. And I guess for that I am grateful. And at least circling back to the original point, I do think that they are not excluding me, or anything like that. It’s not like I am losing friends. I’m just incredibly sensitive to this sort of feedback and I take a lot of this with a very negative lens to protect myself. But that does not make it any more true than it is.

Honestly today I was just feeling myself. I low-key was in that flow state, smooth with it type beat. I’m looking forward to this three day weekend!

I give me a ride home today since it was pretty close by for us, and holy shit his car is so cool. I was talking with J about How I feel like I struggle to really connect with Him and I think it’s mostly because of my discomfort around men. He really hasn’t given me any reason to be wary of him, I honestly try to feel guilty for treating people unfairly in this sense. I think I find it hard to see men as potentially good friends, I think I’m always kind of waiting for the shooter to find out they aren’t really good people for some reason or another. and it’s strange because with women, I very much give benefit of the doubt and I assume kind of the best. And it’s funny because I don’t really think I’ve had any experiences where I have been tricked by a male friend. But I have had bad experiences with female friends and I still give them benefit of the doubt. It’s just a strange thing.

Yesterday night I couldn’t sleep at all, I laid awake in bed until five in the morning and it took a pretty big toll on my cognitive function so I’m hoping that I can sleep some more today.

I think this is a topic I would like to articulate my thoughts on better because I found that it was hard to decisively explain what I meant by it when it was disagreed with I do believe in the thought but I guess I didn’t have a strong enough or well put together explanation that would make sense easily and so at some point I would like to flesh that out. Not today though I’m really tired.