I went to Costco and I was dressed like a bum because I took the day off, last night I got home Late and I had the Taco Bell Baja blast that apparently has a pretty substantial amount of caffeine to it. As a result, I could not sleep at all due to restless leg. I ended up actually getting up at 3:30 out of my bed because I could not sleep and going on a jog around the neighborhood shirtless. I eventually was able to sleep, but I called out of work because I felt like there was no way I could’ve been productive. But I digress, the thing I was asked in Costco, however, was about the macros on the chicken bakes that I got, and they commented about how it’s obvious I lift. I told him honestly I don’t really know, I am not locked in on my diet like that, and he was shocked and taken aback by that. I feel like I get that pretty often, and honestly, I’m not completely sure why I am able to have the body I do while still eating like trash. But part of me feels guilty because when I tell people that I don’t know if this is necessarily reasonable for everyone or if this is another spot where I’ve gotten incredibly genetically lucky. I think about how maybe my metabolism is pretty good, but I also did get very overweight or I guess very overweight compared to what I was used to when I truly ate horribly. But now I exercise very consistently and for a lot of time. Typically I just end up saying because I work at very hard. That’s why I get the benefits that I have, but I’m not sure if this applies to everyone. It’s one of those things I’m grateful for and fortunate with, but I’m not sure if it is fair if that makes sense. It’s one of those things that I don’t want anyone to be envious of.
I just got back from a J. Cole concert. N Had a friend that was flying in that couldn’t make it and so he offered me the ticket for free, and I was super happy to say yes. I had a feeling during the show of how high school me would’ve gone crazy to have this experience. The fact that I was able to see J. Cole live and in honestly pretty good seats. I’m really grateful.
I feel like my sleep schedule has definitely been lacking recently. I find myself more and more staying up to chase, temporary dopamine, whether it’s through gaming or watching YouTube, or scrolling on my phone. I’m not proud of this. But I guess I want to try to look at this with as a little shade as possible, because I think that a shame is only something that makes it harder to make meaningful differences with. I feel like this is one of those habits, like waking up early, or not using my phone in bed. The more I normalize, and I expect watching YouTube before bed, the harder it is to stop and the more I do it. I think I could benefit from being more disciplined with this again.
J and I planned to hang out today, and we ended up trying to re-create poster boy for five hours on FL studio. Honestly, I’m pretty proud with what we made even though it’s nowhere near Accurate enough to pass, but I actually learned a lot while making it. I actually really enjoyed that, and I could see myself fucking around with more music stuff, especially if I have a friend to do it with.
I went to the mall with L and L and I got a shirt and pants. I was also looking for a pair of glasses, and the guy there commented about my traps, and asked me if I get that a lot. He said he immediately noticed when I entered, and I was wearing just a regular T-shirt. I think the journaling and writing down all of these compliments have started to work because I’m able to recognize That I do get this feedback a lot, and that I am jacked. I think it’s also one of those things where I have been so incredibly in the fitness space in the types of content I consume, and a lot of the friends that I have outside of work, and so I forget how much of a difference it is from just the regular population who doesn’t do some sort of weightlifting. I’m really grateful to myself for getting into this hobby because I feel unrecognizable from past me, and I think it’s something that I just enjoy so incredibly much, that also has given me such drastic benefits in life.
I heard someone Describe the world as everyone having three things they can make a priority. They were originally describing it by saying how they would see someone that is incredibly muscular and think wow they look so good and instead of thinking, why don’t I look like that, it becomes that is one of their three priorities and if I made it my priority, I could also have that, but I choose not to. There are a lot of different ways I can apply this, but I’ve been thinking about it and I feel like my three priorities are powerlifting, socialization and building a social network, and I feel like I need to include Work. I’m not 100% sure if that is accurate because I do have pretty good work life balance and I know that there are very much a lot of friends and jobs where you can’t really step away from it the same way I do. But I’ve been wondering if I think that a relationship is one of these three things to me. Ignoring the fact that it’s kind of difficult to just consciously go ahead and put more effort into actively searching for a relationship, because I don’t really think that dating apps are necessarily too helpful in that regard, but just generally, I feel like one of the ways to cope with life is to not prioritize a relationship. Instead of going crazy waiting for it you can focus on the other things that make life enjoyable, and those will inherently lead to being a more desirable person and hopefully how you meet another person. But I also think about how in a relationship that is something that requires a lot of time and effort, and it’s a little bit weird to think about it in the lens that something or other will have to change or be given up. I think this shows itself a lot in something like a person getting into a relationship and then spending less time with their friends. I know I was very much guilty of this, and I guess it’s kind of natural because you are more or less spending most of your time with your partner out of other people I think. But I also think it could show up in ways like not attending to specific hobbies the same way, especially when those hobbies are kind of a means to meet a partner. I go to the gym and like powerlifting not really for a partner, that would be cool, but I’m doing these things because I enjoy them and in a relationship there’s no question I would continue to do these things. I can see however me maybe try other hobbies or things like that with the intention of finding a partner. And it feels like a weirdly disingenuous thing in my mind.
I just got home from driving to LA for a concert with friends, and on the way back I was showing some songs that I really like and explaining the stories behind them or some of the cool things behind them, and I just felt really happy and in love with a person that I am. I think it is like the same thing as the love for life that I have built up and practiced, which allows me to do things like dance and get people involved and enjoy things and find anything really, and I think that’s something that a lot of people gravitate towards. And I’m grateful for myself.
I was again depressed today. It was pretty difficult and I actually broke down crying this morning. I had a dream about E, It was like a book or something like that that she had mailed me and it contained letters giving updates about her life. I didn’t really get a chance to read it, but it was just like opening up that grief again. I still remember what it was like to wake up and every single day be consumed by that grief, going and sitting as far as I could from my work in a parking lot and just breaking down crying. And I thought about how there’s a good chance she doesn’t think about me anymore, because she now has a different partner. And I tell myself that that is not necessarily healthy because given her track record, typically she would jump from relationship to relationship. And I think the issue with this is you the surface level problem and you eventually want to just take the easy way out and get away from having to face that grief and loss. It’s way easier to just replace it with something else and I don’t blame her for it or anything like that. But I think if nothing else there is value and virtue to sitting with this pain and discomfort rather than being unable to tolerate it. And I think the part that really hurts me is not her specifically, but losing someone that I love so much. And it’s all of the small little benign things that become so much more brutal when it’s codependency. It also doesn’t help that I see her name almost everywhere.
I went to Chess club again today for the first time in a while, and I was talking with someone afterwards that I didn’t really get to talk to the first time I met her. She is a psychologist with her own private practice therapy, and she is significantly older than me. She has two kids, both around my age. After the club, we kept talking for a while and covered several different topics. I also realized that my first impression of her as someone who is an older person that is established with their career in a highly educated field, was someone that is wealthy. She bought the food at the bar and tipped, and didn’t really care about the cost of it. Today when we went to 7-Eleven afterwards because she wanted to grab a drink, she spent $30 on scratchers and she said that this is her one vice that she occasionally does, and any money she wins she gives to the school. She also drove a nice BMW convertible. I was a little bit, surprised that she didn’t have another car. However, I don’t know why I expected that she had this as a fun car and drove something else also. I also guess I severely overestimated her wealth. And I don’t mean this at all in a mean way or anything like that, but I guess it was more just in my mind recognizing how I sometimes compare myself or think that I am accurately gauging someone else’s life to some extent in some metric, but I’m not that accurate. I think about one of my other friends that eats out at nice places, and goes on trips pretty frequently. But I also know that she doesn’t really save for a 401(k) because she doesn’t plan on retiring in this country. Also, I know that she cooks very often and I know that that saves money. I guess that I also overestimate how much money there is there, and I also think I underestimate my income. I think I could be better with money and spend less here and there. And I guess I just wanted to recognize the fact that I am sometimes envious to some extent of things that don’t necessarily exist.
I had my book club today, and I was passionately, talking and making jokes about the book, and explaining the issues that I found with it. It’s like one of those things where I kind of complain or play it up a little bit and just am generally a very expressive person. This friend is not at all expressive, and she said that I was like really emotional about it, and I kind of felt like I took it as an insult, or like this person thought that I was legitimately mad or upset about this book. I honestly got a little bit defensive, and I reminded them that I’m just doing this kind of for content because I think it’s fun but I really don’t care, I can talk about it in a really bland way and I’m completely OK not talking about it either. But I think it’s just generally more entertaining and fun to be expressive. And I think about how this is a little bit like my general approach to life of trying to keep my energy and enthusiasm up where I can. I feel like I am orbiting my resting state of depression. The more enthusiastic and joking and energetic I am the faster I go, and it stops me from crashing. But if I go too fast, it is also destructive and I lose orbit. And I think this is a fairly good analogy for life. Staying in that sustainable band and orbiting.