An Open Letter

I spent most of the day with A after work, and it’s nice to just have a good day with a friend. I also do feel like I have been rejuvenated in hope a little bit, because things are not as Grim as I think they are. I think a lot of it just comes from the fact that I don’t have a lot of of the things that some other people do, and because of that I feel like that is how the world is. Because I also have not had enough success yet with finding something like community, I feel like it is nonexistent, but I also do think that because of my lack of it I have developed certain skills that help facilitate this more, and it sets me up for a good future. And I don’t think it’s as rare as it seems. And it’s also not like I’m starving and drowning without any socialization. I do live in a large area that is fairly bustling, and I have a good amount of friends. I’ve let a good amount of grief wash over me, and I guess I can see some future where I can look at certain things and they don’t remind me of her and hurt me in the ways that the grief currently is.

I’m in San Jose now, and I spent three hours in the rental lot where I first met her mom. I wasn’t that exact rental lot After dropping off the car from our road trip. I honestly just wanna break down crying. Sometimes I really fucking miss her. And I remember how I felt calling her when I was in San Jose on my business trip for the first time. And I just went and I deleted the Instagram highlight of us, and I couldn’t help but to look through all of them one last time. And my God, I loved her so fucking much. And I’m almost forcing myself to use past tense, because I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t. And it just hurts so much because all of these places remind me of her. And she was never perfect, and she never claimed that she was. But I had really just hoped that things would work out. And it sucks so much because I know that she loved me. And the issue was that love alone was not enough to make up for the issues. But the times when she would give me that love, it would feel so incredibly sweet and warm and I would feel so fucking safe. I would feel like for the first time in my life I had someone I could just collapse onto. And even if in those moments she didn’t handle things great still, I felt safe with her and I felt like she cared. And sometimes I would be able to have space for me, and I could just cry and get a hug from her. And it hurts me so much that the nostalgia still haunts me. And it sucks because in the relationship that was not the default, and that was not even a common occurrence. And I think that almost made it even more valuable. And I’ve done a lot of research and reading and seen that it was not a healthy dynamic, and I was constantly trapped in the cycle of her getting aggressive or doing something shitty to me, and then some sweet apology without any follow up, followed by a few days of kindness and love. And then another bomb drop. And I remember how unstable I felt, because I never knew how she would react a day, and it was something that affected my work and my other relationships.

So why does it hurt me so much to see the places haunted by nostalgia of good memories. Even if sometimes looking at her would hurt me, why do I have those memories so fondly held close to my heart. I’m glad that voice to text doesn’t pick up my sobs. I guess I honestly don’t know what else to do but to cry myself to sleep, since it is late and I have to wake up early for work tomorrow. I’m doing my best to let the grief pass through me, and not shut it out. But I really do miss her.

I just landed in San Jose. I’m right now in the place where I dropped off the car after my road trip with E up for thanksgiving. It really did feel like we were locked in, didn’t it? Two months in and I met her family and joined them for thanksgiving. They even threw me a surprise birthday party. God, this grief threatens to swallow me whole in this Avis line. It was right outside this building where I met her mom for the first time. That was the first time I met a partners parent.

I remember after the first breakup her mom told me that she thinks I’m a good guy, but this early on you shouldn’t be having this many problems. And she’s right, and she didn’t try to change my mind, since honestly I was so blinded and committed to the idea of making it work I wouldn’t have accepted it. But she was completely right.

I know there will be other wonderful parents to meet in the future and thanksgivings to be had. I miss the week I spent here with them all. The things we did together, it felt like I was added to their family already. E talked so much about marriage, I had written down and remembered what kind of gem she would want in her ring. Where do I put “ruby” in my memory now? God I really loved E. I kept beating myself up thinking about how I could have been better for her, and for us. If somehow I could have done enough to make it work out happily ever after. We fucking talked about kids, so much. I thought about marrying her sooner so that my work insurance could cover her IVF due to her genetic condition. She would cry sometimes about how expensive and scary it was, and I would do my best to comfort her. I’d tell her how it means nothing if it means being able to have a kid (the cost). I know she wanted a very nice quality of life and I resigned myself to possibly sacrificing parts of me to climb the corporate ladder enough to pay for it all.

I remember early early into just dating she told me how she wanted someone without commitment issues, since I later found out she had just ended a situationship. Within a few days we started dating and it was intense and fast. I think she had a hole in her heart from the last relationship and I came and instantly filled it back, picking up where it was left off.

Either way there’s a ton of E shaped holes left in me. And one of these holes is this rental car pickup line. I remember who I was when I was waiting to meet her mom in person finally. God, her dog Cooper, and her cat Fiona. Fiona was supposed to move in with me, and I love that cat. And that cat really loves me, and same with Coops. I remember how beautiful their Christmas tree was. Having a heart to heart talk with her mom while she lay asleep on the couch. Talking about our 24 hour first date.

It’s bad but my brain keeps wanting to call her my baby. My girl. And she’s not.

Is it weird to say that I actually kind of feel proud of the fact that I missed a day? Like that means that I was so busy and occupied with things that I forgot. Yesterday I had friends over again, and then I went to a candlelight concert with other others. Even though I originally didn’t really want to go, I’m incredibly happy that I did because from that a lot of other things spawned, including potentially having a group of people to play music with! It was really nice to feel like my life is starting to have some structure and find groups of friends to do things with, and it’s something worth noting how it comes from strange ways that I would not have expected ahead of time. Today I’m going to San Jose for my work trip, and I am pretty packed which is nice, because I do expect that at least a part of me will hurt from the fact that I was supposed to go up with E, and also visit her family. And saying that out loud reminds me the fact that she must have just finished her quarter, and is now on break for a little bit. That shouldn’t matter to me, and I guess it doesn’t. It’s just one of those memories that still sits in my head unused now. I think I’ve accepted the fact that this relationship was pretty toxic to me, because I’ve put up with a lot more than I should have, and it is not an appropriate thing to have my feelings and concerns consistently brought up and argued or invalidated, eventually followed with an apology without accountability or follow up. I think that put me into a pretty rough cycle of hoping that this time no excuses come up and she actually follows through, but that isn’t something that I should wait around for in the future. I feel like I’m starting to beat a dead horse at this point, but I am grateful for the experience as a whole.

All I want to ask myself is do I think that E was kind to me. I asked this because in one of the videos I watched they mentioned how this is a very simple and important relationship rule, with all the stuff nice things about someone and the reasons why you would want to stay with them, there needs to be the answer to the question of them being kind to you. And it seems very straightforward, but when I think about that in conjunction with the technique of considering how I would respond if one of my friends was in the situation I was in and they came to me for advice, it becomes more than I first thought. Yes, she was absolutely kind to me at moments, but at the same time some of the actions that she did were things that even if she did to someone that she does not like, I would think that is still not OK. Like if she had beef with someone that was shitty to her and justifiably upset with them, still several of the things she did I was in crossing line. And so if I think that it’s not OK to do those things to someone she doesn’t like, why do I accept and tolerate those things when she does it to me. I don’t think those things are kind things to do, And I should hold myself to a higher standard of care than I would a random person. And so I have my answer. I already have my answer in different ways, so it’s not like this is some huge revelation, but I do think this does help me both for the future, and also for when my brain wants to come up with more excuses for her.

Just going to be one of those days. I’m exhausted even after caffeine and just don’t feel well, so I’m going to just chase pain in low weight high reps.

I don’t think I have enough of a backbone or whatever you want to call it to decide whether or not some of the stuff that happened should be ok or not. I can understand maybe a little bit on where you were coming from with the thing that happened that first week. I still think it was not ok, and was handled horribly. I’ve somewhat come to terms with the idea that you could hate me, that’s ok because I’ve thought and at least right now I feel like my actions lined up with my values, and I’m happy with the person I am. I am the love I give, not the love I receive.

I think it’s a trap to think that there are a small percentage of the population that you could truly connect with. I think every person has enough depth and wideness to their character to make them more than enough for meaningful connection. But I do have that fear about just the lack of agency in the whole situation. Like I don’t know what I can do to meet someone who would be good for me. I know the things I can do to increase the odds, but nothing deterministic. And that fear sits on that last portion.

But also what would I do differently if I knew that in 6 years the problem would be for sure solved? Like by the time I’m 30 I’d be in a great relationship. I know I can’t guarantee that, but let’s just speculate. If I knew it would work out, would I be able to let go a bit more? Of this fear, specifically. And I think the answer is yes. But also what if I never find that person, or things just don’t work out. The first thing that comes to my mind is I wouldn’t get to be a father, and that is horribly sad. But the good news is I absolutely could adopt, and such. I also do feel like by that point I’ve scaled like crazy and I will absolutely be able to get married. So I guess if I do believe that, I do know that I won’t die alone.

So then the next part is how do I get comfortable with the prospect of being single for an indefinite amount of time? I think there’s no denying the fact it’s nicer to be able to have someone to be intimate with, share experiences with, and to be able to come home to. There’s no avoiding that, so whatever conclusion has to come in lieu of that. I guess an even worse outcome however is being with someone you shouldn’t spend your life with. That’s a very agonizing hell, to be in a situation of your choosing that hurts more the longer you don’t rip the bandaid off. I have so much sympathy for people who have to break up for “good” reasons, like right person wrong time, or after a long time, at least longer than these 5 months with E for me. That’s would be brutal. And a divorce? Holy shit. Especially if it’s because of work that needs to be done that’s damaging to the partner. I’m so thankful that I did not do something egregious in this relationship, because the guilt would murder me. But I digress.

I watched a vid on this a while ago, and they said that even if being single is miserable and lonely at times, it’s better than being in the wrong relationship, because that robs you of time and more importantly hope. What if I stuck to E, and we continued to try to work on the relationship, and then 30 comes around and I find that person I would have been with otherwise. I did feel like I was settling a lot with E, which is honestly cruel of me. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel like they’re the “settle for” option, and so that is shitty of me for trying to make the relationship work so much. But either way, I want a future relationship to feel like one where I’m not worried about how I’m going to present them to my friends, for them to find her impressive. I don’t want to feel like I have to hope they can lock in or not act in certain ways they normally do as to not embarrass me. I want to show them off and be overwhelmingly proud of. I did show E off a lot and I don’t want it to seem like she wasn’t an incredible person in her own way. But at the same time around my friends from work, she would get super self conscious and worried because everyone is super smart and successful and she is graduating late with an art degree. I would have loved to show her off if she had created art, but she just scraped by the degree and had nothing of substance to show easily. I want my future partner to be someone who beats me in different ways (see what I did there lol). I want someone who can grow my experience of the world in a more direct sense, not as the subject but as the teacher at times.

I guess it’s hard to think of someone this rare and wonderful and think of them as someone available, y’know? But maybe if they’re waiting for a relationship rather than just jumping at opportunities it would make sense. If someone is more deliberate with love as an option rather than a need, then waiting for the right person is natural. I do think serially relationship hopping is a bad thing, and this is the healthiest version of it. So I guess I should strive to be the same.

I do appreciate journaling like this rather than talking to an AI, since there are enough tools and building blocks in my mind that I can gain insights without external stimulation, just needs the work and analysis. And I do feel better.

I think That in the future I don’t want to date someone that has an E dating history. I don’t blame anyone for doing it, but Maybe it’s just a mixture of my trust issues, or a healthy apprehension to that whole subculture, but I think I very much want my future partner to be someone who is comfortable without the need for external validation so heavily, as I think shows up in edating communities. I think it’s OK if someone has a past, but as long as it is genuinely that – a past. I don’t want to worry about unresolved knock on effects from that, or someone who is just immediately masked the symptom without addressing the problem. I want my future relationships to be ones where I feel completely secure and don’t have reasonable doubt or worry. Almost immediately in my relationship with E she had made a friend that she gamed with, and they would call and message separately. One day he asked her about dating and she said she would stop talking to him, and then when we had an argument later and we took a little bit of space she broke down and talk to him and entertained him. That immediately almost ruined the relationship, and I think in the future I should absolutely run if those signs show up. Thankfully she was faithful, but I think I don’t ever want to be in that situation again where I’m having nightmares and worried about her talking with ex partners, because she’s still continuing to hide them through the relationship. I don’t want to worry about how candidly she talks about these things from her past in a sense where it doesn’t feel like she actually learned and moved on from them, but rather just told herself that she’s a different person without doing the relevant work. I don’t want to tie my life to someone who is still figuring those things out.

Hey E. Well the concept of you; hi E’s concept.

I’m at the gym and I see a lot of things that still remind me of you. I saw someone with pants that reminded me of you. I heard someone say Bulgarian split squats and I thought of you. Yknow I train glutes every leg day now? Just for fun. I don’t really do split squats though. Someone has a shirt that’s your name except it starts with Ew, weird how many things remind me of you. I think I’m hitting the point where I can forgive and not forget. I can let you go, but still enjoy the good memories. A lot of the grief and pain has come and it still will be for a while. Yknow I recorded a video every day? That’s how I know today’s day 23. I looked at a few photos of us today because they showed up when I searched up something. I still think you look beautiful, but as a memory sadly. I do miss you in some ways, but also I know we are not meant for each other. Maybe we would have been in several years from now but then again that’s not reality and so there’s nothing to think about.

I’m really glad I got to forge so many memories with you. Yknow there’s a Mazda dealership near my house? It’ll suck that you aren’t in my life, since we would have beat the fuck out of each other so much. I really loved our punch game. There’s a lot of things that I’ll miss because the next person won’t have, and it’s a lie for me to think that I can just find a version of you that doesn’t have the issues. Because you are you, and I need to mourn the fact that a lot of the good things are gone. That’s the cost of a lot of the bad things also being gone. I think a lot from your perspective, and I do worry that you’ve moved on or refuse to see things from my side if I’m being honest. But I remind myself that it doesn’t matter anymore. Part of it is also hoping that you got to learn as much as I got to from this relationship. I think you are a good person, just with things that cause issues, and those things can all be fixed. I hope you cry less and feel more in control. I hope therapy helps you as much as it helps me! I am sorry for both of us on how we had to get there. It’s such a strange thing to just sit with grief and let it happen. Yknow it hurts me to even look on your region of the map? You’ve temporarily claimed a huge part of the city lol. I also do know you loved me a lot. It’s hard but I’m learning to sit with that in addition to the bad, and to reconcile those two things. I still have the shower markers sitting in my bathroom drawer. And the soap you got me. I sometimes get ads for the nightlights you had at my place, and I scroll past them quickly. I cry in my car fairly often during my lunch breaks nowadays. I do thank you for helping me with being more comfortable crying funnily enough. A call me karizzma album keeps getting recommended to me on Spotify and I finally got it to stop because I thought he was slop lol. But I hope you fuck with the album. I wonder if you go to the concert you were thinking of. I do hope you remember love when you think of me, and remember that I did love you, even if we hurt each other. I guess the same way you’re hurt but I didn’t mean to, somewhat the same. You did love me, and you didn’t mean to hurt me but it did happen. And I can both be hurt by you, and also not hold a grudge against you for it. My grudge is freed by not being with you anymore unfortunately, but I don’t need to hope for something to change. I do feel like crying which is unfortunate because I’m at the gym right now. I hope your 24 hour fitness is nice. And I hope you get a plate benchpress. That’d genuinely be insane. And I hope I never hear about it.

All things considered, I couldn’t cry too much. I was trying to but I just ran out of tears pretty quick. I even listened to Radiohead. I had some brutal dreams last night and it was really hard for me to sleep because I was conscious, and I went to a comedy show in San Jose that was hosted by one of her uncles that really liked me and I really liked them. I saw her there and she looked so much different, she was way slimmer and I could tell it was her but she looked like a different person. I was shocked by it and told her that’s incredible, and she said it was thanks to the gym and she does give me that credit. We talked a little bit and she apologized really well like she usually does. Things were tense but it scared me because it felt like we could get back together. Like there weren’t a huge big problems that she used to have and I had that hope again. But then her uncle started his show and for some reason it fully revolved around me, and he just really dug into me without knowing I was in the crowd, and all of the information was stuff that must’ve come from her side of the story. She painted me in such a horrible light and lied about things, saying how I was physically abusive, and a horrible person, and it just tore me up to see that. When I tried to talk with her about it and ask her what she’s talking about, because I was never at all in any way physically aggressive or anything like that, she shut down and started to get mad and aggressive, and I was desperate because I’m being falsely accused and it’s a full crowd of people and I never get to say my side of the story, and these people and everyone else she has talked to or influenced will think I’m some kind of a monster. And the only person that can really undo that would be her if she was to tell her uncle that she wasn’t fully telling the truth and that I wasn’t all of those things that she said. And she got defensive and shut down and I couldn’t say anything to her. Things just kept escalating whenever I would try to get her to understand how fucked up it is. And I eventually woke up, but that feeling of her doing something horrible, and then me being hurt by it, and finally her getting defensive and aggressive whenever I try to express that I am hurt. The only thing I learned I could do was apologize and act like it didn’t hurt that badly, and try to gently get her to care by giving it in much smaller bite-size pieces. But she would just avoid it and she never took accountability for the things that she did. And those things just kept hurting me, like a wound left to rot. And that dream was horribly painful along with another dream of her creating a group chat with her mom at the start of my workday saying something like we need to talk. And her mom sending a text like you’re gonna get it. And then her just typing and keeping me trapped in that limbo at the start of my workday without respecting the fact that likely it is a miscommunication, because every time that she did something like that it was something that eventually she would recognize as not a valid thing, and something that she would eventually apologize for. But that doesn’t change the fact that in the moment she would accelerate shit and interfere with my life and my work, and my friends and so forth.

Her emotions would swing so violently that it would go completely out of her control and she would do not just self-destructive things, but things that would also destroy me. Like her coming into my house and recording me while I’m crying and bringing over people that wanted to steal shit. The fact that she was that volatile, and consistently through the relationship would do volatile things. That is such a fucking insane thing to put someone else through. And the fact that she consistently keeps jumping between relationships to try to patch these holes in her life that she doesn’t feel like she can actually address just keeps her trapped in this cycle. I think that she is currently at the developmental state and level of proficiency that she is now because of this, because of the fact that she does not take accountability for her own life and keep avoiding the things that are painful, but are necessary to make your life one that’s worth living. Like I don’t think you can get into a proper relationship if you don’t develop yourself as a person enough and learn how to heal the wounds that everyone comes with in different ways. And it sucks because I think she did learn how to love bomb, and how to keep someone, but at the same time she does not no the rest of the things necessary for a relationship which is why they keep inevitably ending. But either way that doesn’t matter to me. Because she is no longer someone that has control over my life or influence over it. I can wish her the best, and hope that things get better for her, but I am no longer responsible or tied to her to the point where I would feel like her caretaker or responsible for her well-being or improvement. I’m very grateful that I was able to get her into the gym in a way that she enjoys, because I think that is a very healthy outlet and helpful for life overall, and I’m also very grateful that because of me she is now in weekly therapy (unless she quit). I think I’ve done more than enough in terms of what is reasonable for a relationship, and I have given her the tools, and so there is no guilt on my conscience. But I think these are all just different ways of me trying to figure out how to prioritize myself over her. Because I should be concerned about my well-being more than I should be about hers.

I remember seeing advice online about how after a breakup you should wait at least 3 weeks before breaking no contact to speak with them. It’s a shame because we aren’t going to talk. Likely ever again. And that’s for the best.

I thought to myself how did I fall so in love with the wrong person. There are several different ways to look at it, all equally as meaningless. I fell in love with her due to the chemicals in my brain, and the constant proximity and interaction. Or maybe it wasn’t even love but rather the addiction to the constant push pull cycle. Or maybe how it felt like she completed me. How much I cared about her and how much I was willing to sacrifice to make her happy and for her benefit. Hell even at the end, after she had gone nuclear and done so many fucked things I still did whatever I thought would be best for her and would hurt her the least. It’s the sort of love where their needs matter more than your own. In a way I’m grateful she blew things up for me because otherwise I don’t know if I could have ever broken up with her. I don’t think she could have ever fully understood me but then again no one ever can, that’s part of the point of being human.

But either way I loved her so fucking much. And I still love her, just in a different way. I can love her as a human, but not as a partner or a part of my life. She also did love me. I do believe that fully. But love and effort aren’t the only thing that matter unfortunately. And so I try to reconcile the fact that I both love her so deeply, and also the fact that she was not at all right for me and that I am hurting so fucking much. She hurt me. But it’s also not fully her fault of course, I chose wrong. I jumped too fast and ignored all the things I hope I know now.

I think this is a testament towards how easy it is for me to love. It might be a little disingenuous for me to phrase it like this, as a lot of it could also be framed as my desire for connection and love. But at the end of the day I’ve fallen so heavily in love with people that don’t seem to be a great match to me on paper. And so when I find someone in the future who can reciprocate more of the things I can give, I don’t need to be as afraid of not loving them. I hope.

If I could talk to E, all of the things I would say are things she wouldn’t receive well, or questions that she doesn’t have the answers to. The instinct in my heart is that I’ve polished and packaged these thoughts so well that she has to give me confirmation that I’m right. But that wouldn’t happen, and I know that. If she had that capacity, then we wouldn’t be the way we are now. Still in my mind I want to reach out for some stupid bullshit or another. I want to sell her the doja cat ticket we bought, since then she could go with someone she knows. But I don’t even know if she’s going to go. After we broke up she joked about seeing me in a year since we have the tickets next to each other and I told her I had already listed the tickets, since it would hurt me too much. I think no contact must also be brutal for her. Because she loves/loved me so much. What a devastating or cruel position to be in to have to break up with someone you love because you keep hurting them. That guilt constantly damaging you. And on my end, her lack of accountability or responsibility to make up for it. I lost so much stability and fear because of her hiding messages to exes, people flirting with her and other stuff. And it never should be that hard. I remember throughout the relationship I started feeling like I could see an end, since this was not what I thought love should feel like. I shouldn’t have so many doubts and fears, trust shouldn’t have to be repaired so quickly. And it wasn’t really repaired. I kept having nightmares of her hiding stuff, and when I’d try to outline ways for her to make up for it she would avoid them. And I still fell so deeply in love with her. Or maybe that’s nostalgia.

I really want to learn to accept things as they are. If someone is behaving some way, accept it. If someone was super friendly and engaged, and then suddenly goes missing and pulls away let them. Don’t tell yourself constantly that right now is bad but E will change, and these problems will go away. And then no other problems will ever come up. You are not a therapist or a teacher Anshuman. You are an equal PARTNER. It should not be one sided. Find someone who fucking reads the list of things they asked you to get, since you killed it on presents and they couldn’t be similarly thoughtful. It’s fine if that’s the case, but the fact that she didn’t even READ the list you gave her to make things easier must have been such a fucking slap in the face. The fact that you had to constantly beg for things like for her to acknowledge what she did. Or for small little acts like a hug and a card. Or for her to not shut down and ignore you when you try to be vulnerable. You shouldn’t have to beg. Don’t just find, but also wait for someone who doesn’t make you feel like you need to fight to have space in their mind. E never had to convince you to love her in the ways she needed. You deserve the same. Remember that you weren’t loved right as a kid, and so your perception of the world is fully tainted by that.

I can’t remember or find the quote but something about: “when you grow up in a burning house butterflies look the same as red flags” i’ve butchered that so badly, and I would honestly delete it if I felt like I should have any shame here, but given the nature of it I’m gonna leave it just to fucking prove to myself that this is a safe place for me.