An Open Letter

I apologize because this is gonna sound so incredibly cringe and I swear it’s not in a fucking Redditor way, but I do think I have a fairly high IQ which just corresponds to pattern matching, and I wonder if that is my issue in a way. I talked with my therapist today about why I felt so horribly bad after spending time with friends, and there are other reasons there but the biggest thing was just the severity of how bad I felt afterwards, and specifically the fact that I had suicidal ideation. And I believe the reason for those thoughts was because I felt like I was slipping into depression even though I was doing everything I thought I needed to do. And as a result, I start to feel this desperate panic, and the way I described it to my therapist was like a hostage taker telling you that they needed $100,000. You somehow managed to scrape together enough money to pay off the ransom and when you finally do that, the hostage taker refuses to release the hostage. It is the desperation from already being faced with something so incredibly difficult and managing to do it all to find out that it is not enough, and you are still in square one but with less resources and less direction. And when the threat is a depressive episode, it is enough for me to start to indulge in the thoughts of killing myself. But a lot of that is because I remember how incredibly horrifying and hellish a depressive episode is. And when I start to feel those first warning signs, I am like a crab in the pot as it starts to boil. I am desperate to avoid what is almost guaranteed hell. Except for the fact that in the past that have been the case, but in the present it’s not nearly that bad. Still it is horrible and I wish I didn’t have to go through it sometimes, but it is nowhere near an episode like I am afraid of. One of the fallacies that my brain tries to trick me with is the fact that because I am doing all of these other things, that is a big reason why the episodes are not nearly as bad as they used to be. Nowadays more often than not it’s just one or two days depressed rather than weeks or even months. I also now have the tools to break myself out of full of those cycles, and I also do have those social networks fostered well enough to help me out. And so I think a lot of the fear and desperation comes from the pattern matching. Using the crab analogy, I start to feel the water heating up and I’m desperate to do anything to avoid the incoming pain of being boiled alive, but in reality the water is just going to get warm to hot for a bit, and then go back down. And even if I logically know that and even though it through data, depression is a pretty efficient thing in the sense that it also convinces you that this feeling will not go away and it is going to stay.

Another thing from therapy today was that I should remind myself how I exist, and so statistically since I don’t think I am so unique person, there will be other people out there like me, and I will be able to meet a girl that I feel matches me. And additionally I will be able to meet her at a time where things work out and at the location where I am. And for what it’s worth I do see very concrete tangible genius in myself especially in this small stuff being able to recognize certain red flags that prior would’ve romanticized. Additionally the fact that I am willing to step away from infatuation to rather wait a little bit longer for a partner that I feel more confident about. I think these are all things that past me has not always exhibited and I’m very proud of myself for that and I want to recognize that progress. I am proud of the person I see myself becoming every day.

I asked myself would I be willing to give to stop feeling this way. And I feel like it’s a very cheap thing to say anything. But I think pretty early on that list of anything that I could give would be my life. Speaking candidly, I could just kill myself if I wanted to stop feeling like this. And I weirdly end my train of thought there, and I just sit with that thought. I think about that one quote someone said, something along the lines of how we both love each other but at the same time we both drive faster in the rain. And I think that I’ve remembered it horribly, but to me it is saying how you can love someone else and that is separate from the fact that there’s this passive yearning for death.

It rained today. I kept gunning it in my car because I loved the feeling of losing control when the acceleration stopped from traction slipping. I shot around corners going over double the sign. I thought about why I liked the call of the void there and I think it was heavily because it’s just taking death one step out detached from my hands. If I died from something not my fault I wouldn’t be too upset. I don’t like feeling this way.

Holy shit she continued to Trauma dump and just doesn’t have the awareness to recognize what she is doing, and I honestly just feel sympathy for her but at the same time I less less want to be her friend if I’m being honest. I think loneliness is a trap because people trying to get out of it look for a quick solution in the form of someone, and it doesn’t really work that way, it’s more of a gradual process that takes consistent efforts from different directions. I feel like recently with both of the women I was at one point interested in, it became a parent that they are not exactly happy with their lives as is, and I think they see me as a way to improve that. And I want to remind myself about how a relationship has a foundation in both of the people, and for the relationship to be a good one it needs both of the people to be happy with their lives as is.

So today I from pretty much random coincidence sent a message in my works new grad channel looking for potentially more people to play a board game this Sunday. One of the people that messaged me seemed pretty cool and we have good conversation and they seem like a pretty cool person, and eventually I realized I have met this person before, and she was the girl at an earlier event that I thought was absolutely beautiful and I really wanted a chance to talk to you but I didn’t get much of a chance to. It seemed like she was very interested in getting to know me more, and to hang out, she even asked me if I want us to get drinks tonight which I said no too. I thought it was almost divine intervention that this person is showing up especially because I really wanted to get to know them from the little eye interacted with them earlier, but at the same time after talking a little bit more it became pretty apparent that they are somewhat similar to me in terms of background and mental health issues, except for the fact that they do not have it really under control. They seem to be very much struggling with it and also other general patterns that I remember going through and seeing in myself. I guess this is kind of like a mini test, of me recognizing the red flags and putting the brakes on before I get attached to this person or I have them kind of fall for me just due to codependency. I think the fact that I have my life so visibly together is a big thing that causes women I’ve interacted with as a recent to kind of latch onto me, but maybe it’s also for different reasons who knows.

I know it’s really nerdy and stupid but I wanted to fit a Poisson distribution or whatever to the frequency that I meet people that I feel interested in, because I believe that’s a distribution for random events like this. From that I would be able to fit a distribution and find an expected value and be able to apply things like the secretary matching problem to find unexpected value and variation for that, but I know that I won’t be able to perfectly model anything like this and it’s more just for the love of the game if I’m being honest. I really enjoy all of the art stuff I’ve been doing recently and the creative things, I’ve noticed I almost never gain anymore and I want to do my art stuff or play music and I’m really happy with that.

There’s been a couple of things that she’s done that have given me the ick. I think the major things have been the general vibe that she is not necessarily that secure with herself, and it comes out in massive text, different well documented patterns of moving too fast, and most importantly these weird games that she plays. She added me explicitly onto another Instagram account and then onto her story there, and then while we were texting she posted something on her story speaking in Spanish pretty fast which I think she did not expect me to understand or be able to translate. But she talked about how it is for her to flirt and how she wants to be able to flirt without any of the things that come with that. And when I mentioned that I was able to understand what she said and wanted her to be aware of that, she weirdly backpedaled and said it wasn’t really like that and I kind of misunderstood it, and she actually wasn’t wanting to flirt even though it very much just seemed like she kept changing her story and just panicked at getting caught. She also sent me a journal excerpt that was written in the tone of speaking towards someone, and it talked about how she was afraid of me thinking she was boring and how she needs to love herself and nothing wrong with that, but it’s just such a weird thing to vaguely send a journal entry instead of voicing that directly. It kind of just feels like she isn’t comfortable enough to communicate clearly and does the thing that I used to do in high school which was vaguely post about everything because then you have the defense of saying oops that was a mistake ha ha I didn’t mean to speak up if it ever feels moderately scary. She also has trauma dumped a decent amount about her childhood and it’s often in a way where it feels like she NEEDS for me to listen and I don’t have a way out, and she holds resentment with that and doesn’t recognize how that isn’t necessarily normal or healthy for knowing someone a week. It feels like there’s a lot of things that she hasn’t yet resolved and they end up leaving their marks on our conversations. I feel like the more I’ve gotten to know her there’s nothing wrong with her, but she just isn’t necessarily what I’m looking for and I’m kind of thinking about how to gently reject someone or get them to be less interested without ideally for making it awkward in a group setting because I might see her again.

I think I have learned that I very much do want a partner with emotional depth, because that’s a very significant part of my life. I feel like if a partner doesn’t have that I can’t help but to feel like there’s a gap in maturity, and I very much want my future partner to be someone who I can see fully as an equal and not have to convince myself of that. I almost see it like the same way I see some of my friends, where they are wonderful people and I really enjoy spending time with them and they match me in certain facets of life but there are also absolutely the places where we are different and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I also do think that I would want to have a partner where I feel like there’s a lot more overlap on those things that are really important to me and things that I would not want to worry about losing out on in the future. And I think the part that we match a lot in is the sexual part of things from the way we’ve talked. And that’s not necessarily something that I want in a friend, because I think that’s a recipe for just tension and frustration eventually. I also think that given our communication issues or incompatibilities it seems like, I’m not too sure that even though on paper we seem very compatible, our sex life may not be as good as an optimistic view could be. And so I think I’m very grateful for getting this opportunity to interact with this person because I both did not commit too heavily, but I also was able to understand that this person on paper matched almost everything that I was looking for in that sense, but that was not nearly enough and I think that’s a signal to me that it’s not necessarily the biggest priority that I should be worried about. It almost feels like the ghost of Christmas past coming to show me the errors in my ways. I do often feel like there is some sort of divine intervention that affects me, because there have been so many experiences that have been incredibly valuable and almost necessary for me that end up occurring at the perfect time and often in a way that feels like I could not think of a way to make it less intrusive to my well-being. And I don’t necessarily label myself as someone who is a believer in the divine or religious, but I am very grateful regardless for the fact that I have these opportunities at what feels like the right time when I need them. And I think this is also a point where I should step back for a second and be very grateful for how I’m able to step away from someone that I was interested in for what I think our valid reasons. And just because someone was giving me love and attention, I did not fall for that. And I also feel secure enough and happy enough of my life that I’m not afraid or terrified about going back to being single potentially indefinitely. I’m very grateful to myself for going through the effort of building up that life that I’m so happy with. I really love you dude. Keep it up, what you’re doing is working.

A little bit of a short post because It is late and go to bed because I'm fucking exhausted, I think I'm kind of starting to lose feelings because on one hand she has told me that she is not emotionally available and wants to just be friends and see where things go, but also I think there's a couple quirks in the way that we communicate where it feels like any time I try to voice something instead of it being casual or light hearted it feels way too serious, And I also don't really like how she kind assumes that she understands how I'm feeling or things like that without asking for any kind of clarification, and also I just don't know necessarily if our humors line up or if She adds value to my life in the way that I would hope a partner does. Like whenever I get questions from her about somewhat philosophical things or good questions, when I ask her what she thinks she doesn't really have an answer and she mentioned that she often asks questions without having an answer And it kind of worries me because I guess I don't know if she well fleshed out thoughts or the ability to verbalize things either from just a lack of communication or a lack of thinking about the problems or things like that. And it's not like any of these things horrible or red flags I guess, but rather just things that I would like in a relationship, and I guess I'm kind of struggling to find in the more emotional and friend aspects what we are compatible in.

If I’m being honest with my feelings right now, I kinda feel like A is not that interested in understanding me. Our conversations recently have felt like I’ve learned a lot about her and it’s been very explicit and clear about my effort, and it hasn’t really felt reciprocated. I put out hooks or proactively mention things, but they are kinda ignored and it makes me feel dejected.

I think I have a longing for forms of expression, in so many different ways. I sometimes dream about things as abstract as movement in a video game smooth enough, or the ability to have my body move in such fluid ways it’s almost like music. It’s also the exact same thing with music directly. If I could play music so purely from the heart, I could express or say the things I can’t otherwise. I think I’ve been beat down enough in my childhood for expressing myself, but those experiences never tainted these other forms. I wish I could play just automatically from the soul, but a close second is playing songs that capture feelings I want to express. That’s why I play a lot of sad or grungy songs, since even though I’m not always a sad or angsty person, whenever those feelings pass through me they get blocked and jam up, since I don’t really have the facilities to let them out as well as I’d hope.

It does feel like a constriction on my chest when I think about how much A must know about me, since I think it’s not really that much. I wish I had more curiosity for it. I will say that she has asked me a few questions here and there, but there are plenty of places where it feels like me leaving out hooks get disregarded. I know that this is something that hits pretty deeply for me, since growing up I was neglected and it still feels like my family doesn’t know who I am at all, since I always had to front with them in all different sorts of ways. And I honestly feel like crying when I think about repeating that cycle if I have a choice to avoid it. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I can communicate this probably, and I can ask for more curiosity, but at least for now I just want to express these feelings and let them out in some way or another.

I find myself so drained so quickly in this conversation, since it feels like I’m supposed to constantly push and ask more and more but I guess I recognize in a way that maybe this is on me, and it’s fully ok for me to let the conversation die. It is just a text thread after all.

I remember in my last relationship I felt seen at some points, since I felt she was interested and curious about me, and I was able to share and open up. But at the same time those things that I opened up about were either disregarded or used against me, and I named my shoegaze playlist after that: “What does it imply if being seen is violence”. It’s a mixture of several different quotes, how being loved is to be seen, and the wording from “once I watered a plant too much I killed it. Lord I worry love is violence.” I don’t really know what I would do if I’m doomed to this, of not being seen or being seen existing in only violent places. I may be able to find peace in myself, but I wish I didn’t have to do that.

I feel like I’ve stumbled across a thought that captures something well — part of me feels like it dies and drains when I’m around friends or other people since portions of me atrophy. I am a person filled with SO much, and I understand that it’s not that everyone can view that or see it, but at the same time I feel like I need some trellis for those portions of me to grow and cling onto, at risk of otherwise disappearing. And so I cling on so very tightly, each different strain screaming “I exist”. I feel suffocated talking to A like this, since it feels like all those other parts of me are hidden from the sunlight, and each time I try to bring them to the light it gets packed back down by their person. I feel myself withdraw a bit into myself, to try to preserve the person I’ve carefully raised in the dark in that childhood home. I really treasure that child and all of the weird socially unacceptable things that I am the sum of.

Might as well do it, solely because it keeps popping into my head and I want to not do it.

Situation: I have learned a lot about A in the last few days, and I have put in visible effort to get to know her more, but that has not felt reciprocated.

Thoughts: I guess this is just how she is as a person, and she just likes to talk about herself but she isn’t actually interested in getting to know me. Even if I ask her to be more curious it would be artificial and something that just temporarily changes things before they ease back into their baseline.

Feelings: I feel hollowed out, dejected, resigned, and like giving up.

Behavior: I pull away, stop trying, and ruin a potentially great relationship.

Thoughts: It has been only two days, and also she has asked a few questions. I also know that I am very good at asking questions and getting another person to talk about themselves, and so it may not be fair. Also she may think that I don’t like questions or stuff like that, or not be familiar with my preferences in communication and sharing.

Feelings: I do feel tired and still dejected, but I feel like this is a temporary feeling to just process then step through. I do feel like I have some agency, maybe not in being able to change the dynamic, but at least finding out what she is comfortable sustaining in terms of curiosity.

Behavior: I do take a bit more space today, and I guess maybe this has a nice little consequence of taking things just a little bit slower. I do prepare a way to maybe bring this up at some point after I have been able to regulate my emotions a bit more.

Trying out the principles of NVC:

Observation – I noticed I feel as if I’ve been asking more questions than I’ve been receiving.

Feelings – That makes me feel a bit dejected and insignificant.

Needs – I highly value curiosity in a relationship, as being seen is a big need for me.

Request – How do you feel about asking more questions to try to paint a better picture of who I am in your mind?

I wanna caveat this entire thing as I usually do – this is just me lashing out a bit and being egotistical. I wonder why I end up swinging in this direction sometimes, I guess that’s an analysis for another time.

Yesterday was a day where I felt like I got negged a lot by two friends, and it sucked because it was when I had invited the girl I am interested in and talking to. It kinda felt like one of them was flirting with her and putting me down in a way, and also being disrespectful with my place. I remember when we were getting ready to go back to my place another friend was looking at my car and was wondering what the badge was, and the person who was negging me said “it’s the founders edition badge”, and I said nah it’s not that it’s the ludicrous badge, the plaid equivalent. He then disagreed with me and he was like nah thats the founder, and I said “I’m pretty sure I know what it is lol its my car”. He was still confident and I told him to search it up and then he saw what it was, and then understood it was the upgrade, and when he was walking around my car more he said “damn it’s even on the seats” and I wasn’t thinking much and said “I sure hope so, I paid 20k for it” and his jaw dropped a bit, and he didn’t believe me. He asked why I spent that much on it and all I really said was why not, and the hp. I know I’m very privileged in terms of money, but I also know that I am very smart and successful. I had my other friend get shocked when I mentioned I spent 60k on the car, as she didn’t know how much the upgrade was either. Honestly it felt great.

Additionally since we were going swimming, when I got into my swim trunks a friend said “everyone is going swimming and then it looks like Anshuman is going to a bodybuilding competition. I thought that was very funny because I had no pump at all, and I wasn’t flexing so I was barely showing any muscle.

These are little things here and there, but I think because my ego felt like it took a few blows I find myself savoring them.

This is gonna be weird I think. We had a brunch today that turned into the pool and turned into a weird fan sat on the carpet and talked for a while. One on a walk and then we think I talk to you and escalate a little bit I guess I.

I’ve moved the phone closer to my mouth so it’s easier for me to edit what I’m saying but I’m going to just leave that there. I find that I have a lot of feelings and I don’t necessarily like them. One is the jealousy and the feeling like I was being negged by a friend who was somewhat flirting with her. And I told myself that that’s fine because if she is interested in that then that’s completely OK and she can go with him because I wouldn’t want a partner that would choose someone else over me. And I worry a little bit because I think that I am unfair with what I’m saying if I’m penalizing her for this, because she was kind of just going along with the flow and in a new social situation with people she doesn’t really know and she didn’t really have too many options and I know that the friend that I’m talking about is very social. So I guess I’m kind of mad at him but I also didn’t tell him anything so I’m just fucking mad I’ll be honest. And I don’t have anyone reasonable to point that anger towards.

Also things went faster than I had hoped and to be completely honest more because it was faster than she had hoped. I went to lash out now because no one is meant to read this and also because when I talked with her I followed the principles of NVC was not defensive. I feel like I sometimes get punished because of how much she likes me, and it’s something that I fully know that I’m being hypocritical about, but how am I not supposed to want to kiss her if she pushes her face right up to mine and stares into my eyes? And I fully know that I’m being a hypocrite but when I get all these signals to go faster and to go ahead, and I do, and then it’s actually too fast it be feeling frustrated and confused and anxious about the entire situation just ending because of that. It feels like I get told it’s OK to say something, I say that something and then it’s not OK. I guess I just don’t like this uncertainty and I find that I just fucking hate uncertainty overall.

And I just feel fucking full of this anger that’s really just sadness and frustration mixed together. I’ve been playing a lot of music recently because I can at least use six strings as my vocal cords. I sometimes don’t like it when she stares so deeply into my eyes because I can sometimes see my reflection or become aware of the fact that she is looking at me especially so closely and I just like looking at myself like that. I think I must look awkward and I must look shy and like this person that’s not me just know who I should look like. I still have that fear built into me about looking and just coming off as someone that people don’t like and aren’t into and so when this beautiful girl that is amazing and hit so many of my criteria tells me that she finds me beautiful and that she just catches herself looking at me and she has to pull back from doing things and same things what the fuck am I supposed to think. And it feels so obvious that I’m just supposed to believe what she’s saying, but how am I supposed to go against every other experience that I feel like I’ve had in my life. My face and my voice are two things that I’ve made willing concessions towards. And I can look and listen at myself without feeling disgust which I’m incredibly thankful for because I used to feel that way. But I just wanna break down crying and not in a fucking good way. I’ve written about this so many times, but I have the scars on my face and my parents would tell me about how people would think I’m sickly, or diseased and they wouldn’t want to interact with me. And recently stupid fucking insurance decided that I don’t even need the medication, and they’ve denied it. And I just don’t understand why someone could find me beautiful like that. And it feels like at my core person there is this sadness that just sits there and festers and the most I can do is cull the rot. But the seed is always just there right next to whoever I fucking see myself as.

I thought about it and I don’t know suicide isn’t intrusive thought because it never intrudes, I’d rather just speak up from whatever crevice of my mind it makes home. And it quietly talks, and that’s not something I’m used to if I’m being honest right now. I just get exhausted from it all and I just wanna cry and I wanna ball up into the child me that isn’t going to get helped by anyone. And sometimes I just wish that it wasn’t the case I guess. And I feel like it just feels so right to hate myself and to fill myself with this much self-loathing. It feels like so many other people don’t have to fight this hard to be loved or to make themselves someone worth loving or deserving of it. And as much as I can parrot the idea because I know it is technically right, I don’t think that everyone just gets in love or deserves love. And I solely mean that because of myself, because I don’t want to think about the fact that maybe I do deserve love and I just don’t get it in the ways that I wish I did. And I could really just fucking use a hug sometimes. And I wish that I could just have someone I could share these fucking thoughts to if I’m being honest, and it feels like I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid of being a burden or just because I’ve never had the fortune some natural outlet for this. But I just wish I was loved. And it’s a dangerous thing that I’m indulging in right now, but I sometimes do think about if I kill myself, if suddenly stars would align for the person that’s no longer there. Like maybe I would receive the love that everyone says is so fucking abundant. And I think I mourn it so much because I see myself a little bit every time I hear about it. And I want to decorate it and I want to show it and I want to write about it and I want to sing about it and play it and anything I can do to just beg and show that I could use a hug sometimes. And I wish that I could just have someone peer right into my soul and hold me with those gentle hands that I only find in stupid poems or whatever the modern equivalent of that is. And maybe the second best thing to that is sun on a warm day, or maybe it’s this warm shower, or the centralized heat from the heater on my bathroom floor. I wish I didn’t have to settle for a second best. I wish I had I wish I had I wish

I still want her. But it’s really weird thing because it’s like delayed gratification, and it’s almost forces me to be way more intentional and careful in a way. I noticed that earlier today I got a priority text from her, and I hadn’t heard from her and I saw that it was fairly long and I felt complete dread seeing it. I felt like the hammer was finally going to fall and I was going to get some text about how she changed her mind and she cannot handle interacting with me because of how much she likes me or something like that. I put my phone away before reading it and I tried to focus on the activity at hand with my dad, and focused on doing some emotional regulation skills to remind myself that I am OK and it is a blessing if someone shows me who they are or what they are willing for. But when I finally looked at the messages they were sweet, not in a love bombing way, but rather acknowledging that yesterday was a unfortunate conversation but she appreciated the way that I handled it and wanted to respect any of my wishes for how I wanted to go forward. And it kind of makes me believe more that she is someone that could be consistently safe emotionally, or at least I hope she can. I also think that she very much has her own life and interests and I’m very grateful to be able to say that I have my own also. I’ve run into the issue of not having enough time on weekends nowadays. I’m not truly going to just sit here waiting for her, because I do want to accept the fact that maybe someone else does come along or maybe she is never ready, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t kind of counting down the days to some date that I don’t even know of.