I had a thought because I was scrolling through TikTok and I saw a video of that LARP battle Website. There was a kid in what looked like the Philippines that was showing off a collection of four supercars, and the comments were saying that their goal is to be rich enough that their kid can win those battles. And I think about a modern variation of the American dream to be able to afford these luxurious things and have super fancy toys, and it kind of reminded me how people talk about men that are happily married with a kid and they say that those men are truly rich. And I think to me both of those things very much have their appeals, honestly, I would rather have the happily married life. But I feel like my experience has been one of fairly strong negativity, in the sense that I genuinely feel like there is an easier and more direct path to the large amount of material wealth compared to finding that love story. I know that in the next few coming months, I will have my yearly performance review and I think there’s a pretty good chance that I end up making 200 K a year which is absolutely insane for being only one year out of college. I know that if I continue down the path I am on I believe that I will continue to rise and make more and more money. And I joke a little bit about it, but if I do not have a wife and kids, I will very much have that extra money to be able to pretty much do whatever I want. I am right now I would say roughly net even, without using my stock compensation. As my income grows more and more, I don’t really expect my lifestyle to creep proportionally, but then again I absolutely know that it can. But that being said I feel like I would be able to continue to go at this rate and if I didn’t have a wife and kids, I would be able to do things like buy fancy cars or stuff like that because anyway, I already have a house at an insane deal. And I think that is the biggest thing in life to save up for or purchase and with that out of the way, I have the rest to be comfortable with. And I guess it kind of makes me a little bit sad having to accept a life of lavish material things as a dream rather than a happy family, and something that doesn’t rely to some extent on the feeling of competition with others. I think the material things are heavily influenced by the social prestige that they give. And I know that I’m not really the kind of person to want something like that. I like the idea of being able to spend money, I think it would be really nice to not have to cut quarters and to be able to spend money on the things that I would love to, for example having a stylist and being able to buy nice clothing rather than trying to find deals where I can, and all of that, but at the same time, I understand that there really isn’t much a difference at the end of the day from the clothing itself. I also know that the idea of that whole race of trying to just show wealth without any value behind it like luxury clothing, or wasting money on stuff like bottle service that clubs is always something that kind of disgust me and I’m happy with that. I don’t want to live a life pressured by social appearances. But I guess I kind of wish that there is a more explicit way or path that I could go down to find that love story I’ve wanted since I was a kid. I’ve recently been thinking a little bit more about trying to work on my appearance even more, because I think that it is something that is pretty much your entrance in the door for talking with people or getting them interested in you. And when I think about my sense of value and my self-esteem regarding that, I understand that they are not necessarily things that you can see from a first impression maybe. Like if I was to approach someone at the gym it’s kind of hard to play to my strengths I guess in the same way that being more beautiful could. I also think that there is now this kind of pressure in my head about a future partner being someone that other people consider beautiful also. I think that a partner is a reflection of yourself and I understand that looks are not everything but very much is the first impression people get. I want people to see me as a success I guess. It’s weird because when I started that sentence, I realized that my desire for a partner to be someone people valued is me worrying about other people’s perception of me and to some extent, I am playing that whole social game. I guess it’s kind of hard to instantly change my perception of this, but maybe a perspective I could have is, I don’t need people to see me in Gucci or designer clothing, but I should still be well dressed in a style that adheres to me. There’s a certain point onwards where marginal improvements come at a huge cost, like the jump from random generic shirts to a good quality shirt with a design you like is much bigger than jumping to a designer shirt, but the cost drastically increases. And I think that’s the same for a relationship, I don’t need someone that would be insanely thirsted over online, but I would love it if people would see them and say wow yeah no she is beautiful or she is really attractive. And I’m not saying that is a necessity but I think that’s a reasonable goal to strive for. And I also think that there is two trains of thought of one, me being the same way to match my partner, but also there is the lens that I think there are a lot of different aspects of me that are incredibly exceptional and I don’t expect a partner in to match me in, and appearance this could be one of those things that I’m fine being on the better end of the deal for. But I also just don’t like this whole idea of a deal or value and I think those things get in the way of the real goal and so I’d rather just try to focus on improving myself for my own sake.
I’m thinking about the YouTube video that I was watching again that at one point talked about the different kinds of love according to an old study, there were things about passion, things about practicality about competition and so forth. I matched with someone today that I feel like I have pretty good synergy with communication style-wise. I wonder if this is something that I can hope for an a partner or if it’s one of those unimportant goals.
I’ve been really tired for a pretty good amount of time now feel like I have a few days where I am waking up energetic and rested, but more often it feels like I am already tired, I’m yawning all the time and it’s hard to get to focus on things. I also feel like I’m tired with the concept updating. I feel like what I’m looking for is not at all the more I dig into it mentally the more and more filters pile up, making it less than less probable. It ends up culminating in this type of exhaustion when I think about this problem being one that I am ultimately responsible for. It starts to feel like an, and I know that I already struggle with certain things like the way that I haven’t cleaned off the left side of my bathroom counter because I need to move all the things onto the floor and it’s just a very simple problem because I did not have an immediate solution for weeks for months. I have had a cardboard box with the desk supplies that I need to throw out that I haven’t done because I don’t have an easy solution to it. I need to clean my bathroom, but I just don’t do it. And so when I think about the question of solving dating and finding the person who I would ultimately be really happy spending my life, it feels like such an incredibly insurmountable task, but I don’t have a clear direction. I don’t really know what to do.
I got the deal again and so I spent $15 to get a month of hinge X, and with that I have gotten a pretty good amount of matches I would say. I guess I just wanna quickly remind myself that the success on apps is not a reflection of my desirability at all.
I was playing games with T like normal, and there was a person in our games that we were joking around and so after a bit, we invited them to Call with us and they seemed very friendly. I feel like it’s kind of surprising in a way how often it feels like people just could’ve stumbled into my life in different avenues. I think about the people at the gym that I have recently met and have been really friendly at first, but I guess I also feel like with all of these people or at least a large majority of them friendships start off with I guess too much of an expectation for me, I feel like the friendships are all going to be much more reliable and faster case than what happens in practice and that caused me a decent amount of strike and I guess by saying it out loud I recognize that this is more Reid of my experience with friendships being really intense rapid things because of how I grew up and so even though I think I have recovered from that enough to be at the point where I’m more appropriately pacing my interactions with people, I think I might still both expect a lot more from people than is reasonable, and I might still come off as two. I guess that’s something to be aware of and it kind of sucks because I don’t have any kind of like universal framework or benchmark or something like that that I could use to say oh this is what this is what is normal so far but what can you do you know?
I’ve started a powerlifting program again and I’m so excited! Also, there’s this one girl at the gym that is really pretty, but looks absolutely terrifying like i’ve started a powerlifting program again and I’m so excited! Also, there’s this one girl at the gym that is really pretty, but looks absolutely terrifying like an insane death glare. At the end of our gym session J and I went to the posing room and she was there, and I asked her for advice on something and she was such an incredibly bubbly, friendly person. We exchanged Instagram’s and I don’t know. I think it’s just insane how much things can change if I give them the chance.
I made my dish today for the potluck dinner. It came out really badly and I almost started crying. I know that it’s not just this dish and it’s more realistically the fact that I haven’t been able to work out for the last two days and I also have been sleeping really late the last two days because of me going out and doing things with friends. I’ve been really busy and I guess I’m grateful for that, but also I just feel like such utter shit right now. I tried to make a kebab dish and my kebab completely fell apart and I ended up just making overly salty ground Lamb. I’m worried that people are going to make shitty comments or treat me in a patronizing way, which is somewhat fair because they are better cooks than I am. But I just feel a lot of shame and judgment and I’m trying to learn how to cook and it sucks because I never had someone to teach me. I didn’t get to cook with my parents growing up or anything like that and so it’s hard. There’s a lot of things that seem really normal or intuitive that you just learn overtime that I don’t know and it sucks because I feel like this has happened a pretty good amount of times where someone makes fun of me for something like that where I have inexperienced. And it hurts because it feels like even more for a reason for me to want to quit. It feels like someone is making fun of me and treating me like an idiot but I really am trying. And it’s scary for me to do things like this, I’m very out of my element and I’m incredibly anxious and I’m still here trying to make these dishes and shit like that, even though people make jokes about me being bad at cooking and trying to make a simple recipes. And I kind of said myself up for them, so I can’t play too much of a victim if I’m being honest. But I wish that the world would be kind of gentle to me today. I both don’t really want anyone to eat my dish, but I also feel already anxious about the shame of taking back a completely untouched Tupperware at the end of the night. I’m going for a little bit just to have said that I went, but I just wanna leave and I brought my gym clothes and headphones so that right afterwards I can finally go to the gym and I’m hoping that that will help me.
I sent the title as what I did because I was listening to the part of famous profits where it almost moved me to tears today, and I really love this part of the song and it just felt hollow. I thought to myself that depression is taking away my enjoyment of music again, and I would give so much to have those notes back. And then I also thought about how I shredded and flushed away the evidence of my relationship when I was in middle school with my best friend, and I wish that I had a copy of all of those coated love letters because that was one of the best memories I think I had and I would have loved to still have those notes also. I’m also driving right now. The same route that I used to go to see E and it doesn’t hurt, and my memory of her is fairly distant. It’s something that I have to pull rather than push away. And I think that’s a good sign at least that I have been able to heal past a breakup in the same way that every breakup always hurts people. That’s it about that. I don’t really wanna talk more about my ex. I did tell. J that I felt like shit because of my dish and I almost cried and she FaceTime me. I didn’t really expect that but I picked up and we just talked a little bit about random kind of stuff. Nothing too serious but me kind of just explaining that I felt like shit. She told me she would have my back and I’m really grateful for that. I know that the dish in this whole dinner really doesn’t matter and it’s more just a combination of the lack of sleep and exercise and exhaustion and lack of time for myself, but the thought of a friend, knowing that I am insecure about cooking and I feel bad about my dish and purposefully eating more of my dish and telling me that they like it even if I know it’s a lie. I think the idea of someone caring about me that much makes me want to cry and it sucks because I’m just about here and I am tearing up again, but it’s a very sweet thought to think about someone loving me and caring about me that much. And it’s such a stupid thing just eating and overly salty ground Lam dish but the thought that someone wants me to feel OK and not like a fucking failure when it comes to stuff like this is enough to make me cry, I guess. I don’t even know what is a realistic bar or something I can hope for or where this even lays in respect to that. I think it would be such a beautiful thing to feel safe and a place where I am accepted. What a strange dream.
I just got home from the cosplay rave with friends, and right before we left This guy that was tweaking was about to start a fight With another guy, because the guy protected a girl from him. He was being really creepy and intimidating, and thankfully this guy got between him and a girl. She managed to get away with some help from the crowd, but the perpetrator was incredibly volatile and angry, and was trying to start a fight with the other guy, and I ended up going down there to try to talk with a guy and defuse the situation. I was able to keep them occupied/distracted until security got there and security, escorted him out. I think the guy might have been on steroids, because I will say he was pretty jacked, and he seemed like he was having roid rage. But a little part of it was hoping that this would turn into a fight, and I would get to be able to fight for a good reason. But of course, I went down there to talk with him and empathize useless skills that I’ve learned to negotiate conflict, because of that things did not escalate. And I think those parts of me are fundamentally at odds, there is that part of that wants a situation where I am in a fight, and it is one where I am legally and morally covered. I want to be able to use all of the years of training and show that I am not weak in that sense, but the irrational part of me knows that there are no winners in a fight. I also have nothing to prove. And the best situation is the one that happened, where the situation is de-escalated. And that comes directly at the expense of weird fantasy of combat. And I guess I just wanted to mention that explicitly.
S: when we were leaving museum as a group G J and V walked off in the other direction without telling me or N anything, and I had to chase after and try to yell to get their attention
T: I felt like it didn’t matter what happened to me, no one cared enough to make sure I was coming and were fine leaving me
F: I feel like just breaking off and isolating, I feel not important or cared for
B: self isolate and spiral into depression
T: They all assumed someone else told and were focused on getting food. Plus J was infront so maybe didn’t hear. Truly a misunderstanding and them not being aware of what happened.
F: I feel hurt, but aimed more towards childhood scars rather than what just happened.
B: I still am a bit more reserved but I won’t spiral as hard and won’t target anything like that towards the wrong people.
Today I worked out with J at the new gym And I talked to two new people, they were both gorgeous women, and the second one even called to us in the parking lot and we joked around for a bit before she asked for our Instagram. I just feel a big sense of revitalized hope of meeting people, this feels like the ideal third place. I also just got back home from playing Catan with friends, and also just talking for a while. I feel really good and I’m happy with this life.