An Open Letter

I realized the “Letters to E #4” was just a draft on my laptop so there it is now. Out of order but oh well.

I talked with my therapist, and I was able to speak about how I was really struggling with this feeling of conflict from her words and her actions. and I was able to speak about how I was really struggling with this feeling of conflict from her words and her actions. What happened with her roommates was really traumatic for me, right before an important meeting having those people enter my house and physically block me, antagonize me, say incredibly shitty things, and even record me without my knowledge while I’m crying.

I struggle a lot with crying. There was a period of four years during high school where I couldn’t cry once, and at one point I had even written a suicide note and planned to hang myself and still couldn’t cry. I only ended up crying in college once I was out of that house, and still it was really fucking hard for me to do that. Growing up as a kid, whenever I would cry I would be hit by my dad who would yell at me to stop crying, and continued to hit me until I stopped. I learned that it is not safe to cry in front of others, and that became locked into me. I started to feel a little bit safer with E, and I was even able to cry in front of her a few times. That made it feel so much more like a betrayal when she came to my house and broke up with me so aggressively, and then after I had started sobbing she told me how her roommates were downstairs. She then pushed on it even more and they started going around the house with bags and taking her stuff, all while her roommates laughed and made shitty comments. Me crying was met with shitty comments, laughing at me, mocking me, and holy fuck. Writing it down makes me want to cry so badly and I want to just curl up into a ball and hide. I wish it didn’t happen. I wish it didn’t happen so fucking badly. I want to throw up so fucking bad right now. I was supposed to be safe, and I was supposed to be healing and getting more comfortable, and it feels like I was hit so far back into that cage I was trapped in as a kid.

The part that hurts me and causes so much conflict now is how she listened to me, and acknowledged a lot of stuff and validated how I felt. She apologized a lot, and wanted to show that she meant it and it wasn’t just words. But she hasn’t talked to them about how what happened was not ok. Or how it was fucked up the stuff they did, and how that was regardless a shitty thing to do to someone. Instead she made more plans with them, and is hanging out with them.

If someone you knew had a nazi friend, and you were someone directly hurt by that, how would you feel if they continue to interact with them? They don’t say anything or push back on nazi comments, and had even done that stuff with them earlier against you. If they apologize and say they’ve changed, but then continue to hang out with that person while not talking to them about how what happened was wrong, what would you think?

I think this may be a dealbreaker for me in some ways, if she cannot recognize how what happened was not ok, and show that she isn’t that person anymore. That has to come from accountability, and that includes talking to her fucking attack dogs that did those stuff to me. I just don’t feel safe until that if I’m being honest. How am I supposed to believe that I am safe if she’s telling me that she realizes how what happened was fucked up and not ok, but keeps making plans to hang out with them without even talking to them about it.

I know that I need to just wait, and right now my emotions are really high, and it would be healthy if I can take a bit of space and wait a bit. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.

Situation: E broke up with me in such a nuclear way, and it came out of nowhere.

Thoughts: This feels so unfair to me, and this feels like a lack of emotional regulation and super high volatility. I don’t know how I can move past this and not feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Feelings: I feel like I don’t deserve this, and that it’s unfairly being pinned on me, for her lack of communication. I feel very upset and hurt, and betrayed in a way. I told her that this was what I was afraid of, and she did it.

Behaviors: We either immediately break up, or I suck it up and feel uncomfortable and unsafe emotionally for a while.

Thoughts: She was emotionally volatile, and she doesn’t have the best luck with her childhood either. Emotional regulation is hard for her, and this was a point where there was just too much volatility. She’s just faced with a lot of pain and discomfort, and she didn’t know how to communicate well enough to release that tension, and this happened. She doesn’t want to hurt me, she just doesn’t want to keep hurting.

Feelings: I mean I do love her. And it hurts because I feel wrongly hurt, but also she’s been hurting and we are a team. No need to justify why she is hurting or who’s “fault” that is. I don’t feel like she wants to break up, she wants to just stop feeling this much.

Behaviors: Yes I am within my rights to leave. So is she. But I care about her, and I can empathize with where she is coming from. I also believe that this volatility will go down, and I know that the good times are good with her.

1. I really like how we get to trade roles, and you let me be softer and the little spoon.

2. Massages from you make me feel warm and safe. Same with when you scratch my back, I feel like a cat that just melts.

3. I really love your family, especially your mom. But also I think H is such a good kid and I want to be in his life if I can be.

4. You sometimes make really fucking stupid faces, and I think it’s really cute.

5. You let me vent when I need to, and I know it’s hard and a bit foreign but you let me just rant and say stuff without having to filter it.

6. You make me feel very attractive, and there’s a lot of different ways where I struggle with that so that means a lot to me.

7. I love being able to do this with you.

8. I love how I get to show off to you at the gym, and how you do that little voice and talk about your strong boyfriend.

9. Our double high fives at the gym are something that I think is very iconic and makes me blush thinking about it for some reason.

10. I love how much time you make for me. I know that you have plenty of other things but you still manage to carve out a lot of time to spend with me and I appreciate that a lot.

11. I think you’re a really good designer in the sims, your houses and apartments are really well structured and it’s something I always marvel at.

12. I really appreciate how you apologize and go out of your way to take accountability with things, when you do that I feel very secure with you and emotionally safe.

13. I think you have an incredibly open mind, and that’s really nice because that means that I get to explore and try things with you.

14. I take a lot of pride in your bench press. Not only the weight, but how much you like it. You aren’t like the other girls.

15. I think your humor is a lot like mine, and I love how I can make all different kinds of jokes with you.

16. The fact that we have fights and conflict, but we make up makes me feel secure. I believe that even when things get bad and rough, you still fight to work it out with me.

17. Your glasses were at first a bit jarring to me, but now I wouldn’t want it any other way. You have such beautiful eyes, and I get to see two different types of them because of your massive lenses. I love it so much, and I almost take pride in that (if that’s ok with you)

18. I think you’re incredibly resilient for the shit that you’ve been dealt, and how you keep your chin up and fight for what you have and where you’ve gotten. I know that a lot of things are biologically harder for you, and you don’t even complain but you just grind and make it work. I admire that so much about you.

It's a strange thing but ever since. M pointed it out, I've noticed that E hasn't introduced me to her friends while I have introduced her to mine. I guess I feel a little bit sad by that because it feels like I'm being excluded even though I get that that's the issue and it's not anything that E is doing. It does kind of suck though and I would at least hope that she tries to introduce me to her friends. Even if not a routine thing. It would be nice for me to at least be able to meet them because I guess it kind of feels like they're being hidden away for some reason.

I guess it’s gonna be weird trying to figure out how to not be codependent, I think that’s just something that I am always predisposed to in a relationship if I’m being honest.

We talked and things went better than I could have hoped for.

I didn't actually scream at anything, but more just internally. I talked a little bit with E just now and honestly I'm disappointed with just how the phone call went because she was emotionally numb and also pretty honestly defensive/ aggressive. It did seem like she softened a little bit out when we talked a little bit more but again it feels like I have to carry the emotional burden of regulation. It just doesn't necessarily feel like she has the emotional ability to be not shut down. And honestly it's just really frustrating at the end of the day. It's this feeling of having to almost emotionally parent this situation and I think maybe this is something to keep in mind. I understand it's late but I don't know. It just doesn't necessarily feel like a strong sign of emotional maturity to have this time apart. Instead of trying to fully process things it's more just kind of stewing on what it feels like her frustrations are. I know that there is an intelligence gap in our relationship, this is something that she has said and she acknowledges fully. I guess I just hope it doesn't end up showing itself in emotional situations also. I think there is a big difference in emotional maturity there, in the way that certain actions are perceived, and having that maturity to understand how different situations should be handled properly. I feel like instead of trying to have a productive conversation, it's more of a therapy session almost, in the sense that she needs to be validated. It's not like a thing where she acknowledges that I also have needs and that sense of mutualism. Okay.

We just texted, and I’m not gonna lie I’m a little bit worried because of the tone that she has. She’s using a lot of punctuation and not really being super lighthearted or friendly I guess, but I’m not gonna try to read into it. No matter what happens I know that I’ll be OK. I can hope for the best but at the same time I know that I will be OK even in the worst case.

Shorter post because I’m really tired and it’s kind of late. I spent a lot of time today interacting with friends. I did things like:

- playing games

- talked to someone while getting boba

- then also just called a friend later in the afternoon (near night)

It's nice to be able to do that and stuff like that and I'm hoping that I can continue to do that a little bit more consistently.

I also made a new friend and we made plans to work out on Thursdays, I think, for now, which is nice. Also with some co-workers we were talking about, “Oh I think we're going to go rock climbing soon and kind of do that.”

I very much kicked it into overdrive socializing, which is a good thing, and I don't know. I guess I just really hope that things work out.

I understand a lot of the reasons why it’s not a good idea to be always spending time with your partner, but I think it’s something it’s kind of difficult to shake because I want to spend time with my friend, and since we share so much in common there’s not many reasons for me to not want to do that with them. I understand it’s healthier however to spend time with other people and have a richer life, but a lot of that feels like I was driven by punishment not necessarily driven by motivation. So what I decided was that I wanted to figure out a positive reason for spending time apart, and enriching my life. I’m the kind of idiot who really likes studies, and so I was watching a video on love and some studies on that. One of the things I took away was a lot of love is based on rate of intimacy changes. It’s important to keep growing that intimacy, especially during the first stages of the relationship. I think there’s something to do with a limit of how much intimacy you expect and how you want to have that career be something a little bit more gradual rather than an instant burst and then a sharp stop. But I think intimacy comes from learning new information about someone, and it’s really hard to do that if you do not have new information. If I spend all of my time with my partner, then I don’t have much individual growth and it’s a growth as a group instead. While there’s a place for that, it’s arguably more important to have individual growth. I know this is a weaker reason than the argument against codependency, which is the fact that you cannot fully rely on one person for your needs. But I think this is at least a positive instance of reasoning for being OK not spending all of your time with your partner.

I think it would be best if E was not a huge portion of my life, but rather something that accents it. I think it would be good for me to still have some surprises, some stories or experiences that she does not directly share or know about, not for nefarious reasons but rather for almost a sense of mystery and having something more than what she currently knows. This way I have something that I can share with her in the future, rather than suddenly hitting the brakes on learning so much about someone.

What I’ve noticed is the part that kind of scares me the most about a breakup in a way is the part that makes it an unhealthy relationship. Today I spent time with some friends, but after that I kind of got really tired and friends got off and so I just wanted to do nothing almost. And the issue is that do nothing means I wanted to spend time with E. Just having her around and being able to spend that passive time together is so nice. Like she’s there and so I don’t even have to worry about boredom or loneliness or just that mind this kind of doom scrolling. I always have something to do when she’s there, and I always have someone to do it with. And I think that is a problem. I think that becomes a problem because I basically always have a source of escapism, and because of that I never actually have to enrich my life and face that discomfort necessary for change. If I could take a pill that removed all discomfort from my life, I would never have any good experiences, or any kind of ambition, drive, or motivation really. And I think that you can argue that maybe a goal in life is to eliminate discomfort, but at the same time I would argue that life is much more meaningful and enriched and actually enjoyed, not just a punishment you can minimize.

And so I guess it’s kind of hard, when I want to just reach out and text her. I think part of the reason why this isn’t affecting me too too heavily it’s because I think it’s temporary, in the sense that this weekend I will be able to interact with her again hopefully. But also I guess what’s the difference then, between this and just the understanding that I will have some sort of social interaction and enrichment soon? Like even if I have to make all new friends, and I have to get past that initial period of both exploration and also hoping that their people I really enjoyed the company of, doesn’t that mean that the discomfort will be temporary?

I think it’s one of those things where a relationship is something that I really hope for in life, but I think it’s one of those things where to be able to use it I need to be able to prove that I don’t need it. And I think that’s something I’m kind of struggling with right now if I’m being honest, meaning there’s significant room for improvement. I know that I will be able to find another relationship, and I also know that I don’t need a partner to satisfy every single niche for them to be a good partner. But I do think that no matter what I would still fall victim to the trap of wanting to move too fast with someone as the shortest path out of loneliness. I do still really care about E, and I know that we do have issues and at the end of the day if things do not work out I’ll be OK. But at the same time I do want to make sure that my love for her is one that sustainable so that if we get this opportunity together I can do my best to make sure it’s good for both of us.