An Open Letter

I made my dish today for the potluck dinner. It came out really badly and I almost started crying. I know that it’s not just this dish and it’s more realistically the fact that I haven’t been able to work out for the last two days and I also have been sleeping really late the last two days because of me going out and doing things with friends. I’ve been really busy and I guess I’m grateful for that, but also I just feel like such utter shit right now. I tried to make a kebab dish and my kebab completely fell apart and I ended up just making overly salty ground Lamb. I’m worried that people are going to make shitty comments or treat me in a patronizing way, which is somewhat fair because they are better cooks than I am. But I just feel a lot of shame and judgment and I’m trying to learn how to cook and it sucks because I never had someone to teach me. I didn’t get to cook with my parents growing up or anything like that and so it’s hard. There’s a lot of things that seem really normal or intuitive that you just learn overtime that I don’t know and it sucks because I feel like this has happened a pretty good amount of times where someone makes fun of me for something like that where I have inexperienced. And it hurts because it feels like even more for a reason for me to want to quit. It feels like someone is making fun of me and treating me like an idiot but I really am trying. And it’s scary for me to do things like this, I’m very out of my element and I’m incredibly anxious and I’m still here trying to make these dishes and shit like that, even though people make jokes about me being bad at cooking and trying to make a simple recipes. And I kind of said myself up for them, so I can’t play too much of a victim if I’m being honest. But I wish that the world would be kind of gentle to me today. I both don’t really want anyone to eat my dish, but I also feel already anxious about the shame of taking back a completely untouched Tupperware at the end of the night. I’m going for a little bit just to have said that I went, but I just wanna leave and I brought my gym clothes and headphones so that right afterwards I can finally go to the gym and I’m hoping that that will help me.

I sent the title as what I did because I was listening to the part of famous profits where it almost moved me to tears today, and I really love this part of the song and it just felt hollow. I thought to myself that depression is taking away my enjoyment of music again, and I would give so much to have those notes back. And then I also thought about how I shredded and flushed away the evidence of my relationship when I was in middle school with my best friend, and I wish that I had a copy of all of those coated love letters because that was one of the best memories I think I had and I would have loved to still have those notes also. I’m also driving right now. The same route that I used to go to see E and it doesn’t hurt, and my memory of her is fairly distant. It’s something that I have to pull rather than push away. And I think that’s a good sign at least that I have been able to heal past a breakup in the same way that every breakup always hurts people. That’s it about that. I don’t really wanna talk more about my ex. I did tell. J that I felt like shit because of my dish and I almost cried and she FaceTime me. I didn’t really expect that but I picked up and we just talked a little bit about random kind of stuff. Nothing too serious but me kind of just explaining that I felt like shit. She told me she would have my back and I’m really grateful for that. I know that the dish in this whole dinner really doesn’t matter and it’s more just a combination of the lack of sleep and exercise and exhaustion and lack of time for myself, but the thought of a friend, knowing that I am insecure about cooking and I feel bad about my dish and purposefully eating more of my dish and telling me that they like it even if I know it’s a lie. I think the idea of someone caring about me that much makes me want to cry and it sucks because I’m just about here and I am tearing up again, but it’s a very sweet thought to think about someone loving me and caring about me that much. And it’s such a stupid thing just eating and overly salty ground Lam dish but the thought that someone wants me to feel OK and not like a fucking failure when it comes to stuff like this is enough to make me cry, I guess. I don’t even know what is a realistic bar or something I can hope for or where this even lays in respect to that. I think it would be such a beautiful thing to feel safe and a place where I am accepted. What a strange dream.

I just got home from the cosplay rave with friends, and right before we left This guy that was tweaking was about to start a fight With another guy, because the guy protected a girl from him. He was being really creepy and intimidating, and thankfully this guy got between him and a girl. She managed to get away with some help from the crowd, but the perpetrator was incredibly volatile and angry, and was trying to start a fight with the other guy, and I ended up going down there to try to talk with a guy and defuse the situation. I was able to keep them occupied/distracted until security got there and security, escorted him out. I think the guy might have been on steroids, because I will say he was pretty jacked, and he seemed like he was having roid rage. But a little part of it was hoping that this would turn into a fight, and I would get to be able to fight for a good reason. But of course, I went down there to talk with him and empathize useless skills that I’ve learned to negotiate conflict, because of that things did not escalate. And I think those parts of me are fundamentally at odds, there is that part of that wants a situation where I am in a fight, and it is one where I am legally and morally covered. I want to be able to use all of the years of training and show that I am not weak in that sense, but the irrational part of me knows that there are no winners in a fight. I also have nothing to prove. And the best situation is the one that happened, where the situation is de-escalated. And that comes directly at the expense of weird fantasy of combat. And I guess I just wanted to mention that explicitly.

S: when we were leaving museum as a group G J and V walked off in the other direction without telling me or N anything, and I had to chase after and try to yell to get their attention

T: I felt like it didn’t matter what happened to me, no one cared enough to make sure I was coming and were fine leaving me

F: I feel like just breaking off and isolating, I feel not important or cared for

B: self isolate and spiral into depression

T: They all assumed someone else told and were focused on getting food. Plus J was infront so maybe didn’t hear. Truly a misunderstanding and them not being aware of what happened.

F: I feel hurt, but aimed more towards childhood scars rather than what just happened.

B: I still am a bit more reserved but I won’t spiral as hard and won’t target anything like that towards the wrong people.

Today I worked out with J at the new gym And I talked to two new people, they were both gorgeous women, and the second one even called to us in the parking lot and we joked around for a bit before she asked for our Instagram. I just feel a big sense of revitalized hope of meeting people, this feels like the ideal third place. I also just got back home from playing Catan with friends, and also just talking for a while. I feel really good and I’m happy with this life.

I’m kind of overheating a little bit and I think it’s a little bit funny because A was Surprised that I was A Sagittarius, mentioning that a lot of the traits of being the life of the party, funny all that stuff, but surprised for the sole reason that I don’t have an ego to her. And I think it’s so funny because I absolutely have an ego, I think it’s one of those things where I can keep it to myself, and I’m secure enough with it where it doesn’t need to be pushed down anyone’s throat, I just have a pretty good view of myself in certain lenses. Afterwards we were talking and she was telling our group how she wants to match make us, and she was talking about all these different things that men should due to improve their chances, and the other guys, I was surprised how clueless they were with several things. She even used me as an example and was saying that they should take notes, but also it won’t work for them because they’re not me and they don’t have that dog in them like I do. I remember she was telling this one guy at the beginning that she was going to find him someone because even though he was afraid of women and a bit older, and not as attractive, he was a homeowner. And I held back from mentioning that I am also, and don’t get me wrong. I absolutely understand that this is something that I would not be able to do without the privilege of my dad‘s financial support. But I also kind of do want to acknowledge the fact that it is privileged, but it is privileged that I have., Am I still didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to boast or flex, but it kind of just makes me feel even more like damn I am that guy. I remember I saw an Instagram reel earlier today about something about clavicle length, and I am very fortunate with my genetics. I saw my doctor today and he asked if I was on steroids, and I think that he is being nice, but at the same time there’s a reason that complement lands. I think I have an incredible amount of potential, and I’m very grateful that I’ve done a lot of the work and I’ve gone through a dark enough place that it required me to realize and recognize that potential in actuality. And it’s something that I’ve kind of thought about a little bit where when some of my friends asked me for advice with things or they ask me about how they can have more success in certain endeavors, sometimes they’re just is that somewhat insurmountable gap of just the cards that we are dealt. And I’m not saying that I have the perfect hand or anything like that, and I use the fact that I tried to kill myself a few times, and I still struggle with that as an indication that even though I have all these amazing things, I am sometimes more than I would like to willing to throw it away, and if someone else is not willing to do that, I think that somewhat of a telling comparison, that they would choose to keep living that life instead of just ending it. But that all being said, I feel like for a lack of the brighter word, it’s a brutal mog. Like what am I supposed to say when one of my friends that isn’t doing well in college for a worst major is asking me about career success. And frankly, it’s a mixture of genetics, the environment I was raised in, and everything that I sacrificed to contribute to my intelligence and my success, and so when someone asks me how to be more smooth or how to be better at flirting, how am I supposed to just tell someone to in essence to me what feels like be smarter. Like if someone is asking about how to be funnier or more charismatic and yes, you can work on these things absolutely and I think there isn’t enough of a reason to feel discouraged, it’s one of those things where it’s like if someone ask me hey how am I supposed to lift this heavy amount of weight and it’s a mixture of the cards that I’m dealt and also the work that I put in. And I think it’s one of those things where I have almost slingshotted in life going from being incredibly behind in a lot, if not all different avenues, other than maybe academic success, to having to really put the pedal to the floor and end up surpassing most of my peers. And of course, I’m now surrounded with new peers, but I find that I still am used as an example or a subject of envy or a goal or gold standard to strive for. I remember one of my friends in college kept saying that she was going to beat me on a test at least once or he was going to do something like that and he never did. And I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is. And it’s not at all the case that I’m the best of everything, and I actually really enjoy the things that I’m not the best at because I’ve dealt with the issues of other people comparing themselves to me and holding that resentment and that’s not something that I can necessarily deal with nor is it my responsibility to deal with. Like I remember in college when we would all be in a class together, and I would set the curve on a test and my friends would not be happy. And if they would get excited when they would get a question right that I didn’t while we were cheating and working together on test during Covid, all for me to then point out that they were actually wrong and I was right. I think about how online my friends are sometimes a little bit insecure about the fact that I am better than them at the games and much higher ranked. And because of that, I need to be careful and it’s not honestly that hard, it’s not like I need my ego to be stroked and it’s not like I need them to acknowledge that either and I’m happy letting them shine and not taking up spotlight. But in a lot of different avenues, I find myself near the top and I find myself worrying that friends or people around me will compare themselves to me. And so I really like things that I am not great at, like for example Chess. I’m rated 1000 which is not a horrible, but it’s also definitely not exceptional or great by any means. And because of that at the chest club, most people are better than me, and it’s a little bit difficult in the sense that sometimes when I win or when I make them have to really focus. They are in a situation where they kind of have nothing to gain, but they have a lot to lose. But I think generally I am a good loser in that sense. I am completely comfortable, losing and somewhat stroking someone else’s ego if necessary. But overall in life, I kind of feel bad because there’s nothing I can’t do but just mog certain people. Like on paper, I think a lot of people would wish to swap lives with me and I can’t really say that I’ve met anyone where I felt like I would want to swap lives with them, because I have an incredible amount of potential and I think I have an incredible amount of gifts that are not at all common. And I guess maybe this somewhat egotistical self reflection is an exercising gratitude. I think about that one conversation topic of if you were to swap problems with a random person in the world, would you and I think almost everyone says no. And I think that’s a very insightful thing, that even though we have our problems, we recognize that they could be way worse at the end of the day our problems are not insurmountable. And I guess I’m happy to hear that I have this sense of self value, and I don’t feel like this is the needle swinging too far the other side from the past where I had a horrible sense of self-esteem, and I also got a lot of shit from people. I’m kind of comfortable with me having this echo because I don’t think that I’m being unreasonable or incorrect about anything that I say, but more importantly, I’m writing this on my fucking website that I hope no one really reads. Like I think I’m comfortable with people reading this distant in the future or something like that because by then I have plausible deniability to be able to say oh that was past me. But I’m essentially just saying this into the void and so I’m not putting anyone else down or I’m not trying to convince anyone else of something. I’m just kind of worried dumping while I drive back home from chest with voice to text. But overall, I just wanna say that I’m really proud of the person that you’ve become. If the choice arises again choose to keep living please. Don’t let a temporary lack of chemicals, rob you of an incredible life opportunity.

Holy shit I’m so incredibly happy that I changed my gym. This new gym is absolutely fucking amazing, I couldn’t stop from smiling the whole time because all of the machines were just amazing and I was having such an amazing workout. I talked with a couple people even saw someone from high school, and made new friends. Afterwards, I went to opposing room and took photos and I felt really cool. I also feel like the people there have reinvigorated my hope for finding someone who matches my criteria and that I’m also attracted to, because there were so many beautiful women there. I think I made the right choice.

I decided and I will tell her when I think there is an appropriate time to Do so with The least amount of pain possible. Or at least whatever is reasonable. And so I guess I’m going to continue waiting for the right person to come along, or someone who is right enough. I signed up for a different gym today, partially because I realized that if the gym is a pretty important thing to me and where I am most likely to find a future partner, going to a nice gym in the area, where my work is is probably the best bet of me finding someone like that. And also, it’s just a nice gym so I’m excited I guess.

It’s been a while since I’ve written something of substance I feel like so I guess today is that day. I feel like I’m more and more coming towards the conclusion that I am not really interested in K In the way that I would hope I would be for a partner and I know that my brain can be irrational and I’m kind of feeling a little bit low right now and so I’m not rushing to anything and I’m waiting for my therapy session to talk friends and such, but I feel like she hasn’t even done anything to egregiously wrong, but there’s just enough things that I realize it isn’t really what I’m looking for. I really dislike the fact that I just am not attracted to her in the way that I thought I was if I’m being honest. We went to the waterpark for our first day and I just didn’t really find myself attracted to her. I also thought she was a more confident person on first impression and more extroverted, but as I got to know her a little bit more, I recognize from the things that she said how she does still struggle with insecurities, and generally isn’t that extroverted or social. And I recognize that in my mind it more drifts towards Oh. I can fix that rather than it be something where I feel like wow that’s like admirable and I would like to be more like that. I also feel like she heavily depends on the friend group that she has, and that’s kind of it. She’s also pretty introverted according to her and doesn’t feel like that up with the kind of person that is best for me. I also feel like she is trying hard to get me to like her, which is nice, but at the same time it feels like it’s almost like she feels like I’m out of her league. And I kind of feel that way in someway. And I feel like myself I am settling for someone that is a really bad sign, enough for me to seriously reconsider everything. Especially this early on. I know that I’m also just not really feeling good so everything would be great, but I find myself almost avoiding her texts or dreading them. I find myself thinking about Moore and More how I can reject her or let her down easily with the minimal amount of pain to her. And I find more and more reasons to call it off rather than to continue. I think I will go on a second date, but I really don’t know if I see this as a relationship.

It sucks both because I feel bad for her, because I think she is really cool and personality wise. I think we get along pretty well, but I just can’t help myself from not really feeling attracted to her or being interested in her in that way. And I wish I could, but at the same time I still feel like I’m settling, and I feel like it would be one of those things where I would feel like I am punching down in someway. I just feel like if I have the option to swap lives with her I would never make that choice. And I feel like the fact that I don’t even consider that for a second makes me concerned. And I feel like a shitty person, even though I know that I’m kind of writing this to no one, but it really does feel like I am out of her league. I hate how much I’m stating that, but I guess it’s because I feel like I haven’t yet found the words to convey it in a way that I feel happy with. And I feel really vain and shallow, but I just don’t find myself interested in her, and it feels more like she is someone who wouldn’t really have a separate life aside for me that I would find fascinating. I feel like she meets a lot of the criteria for some of the basics I’m looking for, like kindness, a level of independence, and humor to some extent. But when I think about someone coming along in the future, that really does line up with a lot of the things that I want rather than the necessities, I feel like I would want to be with them rather than my existing partner if I decided to date K. And that is fucked up and not the kind of situation I would want to be in, and the fact that I don’t feel like K is that person to begin with is enough of an indication that I should listen to that. I still want to at least go in a second date and talk with my therapist, of course, but I feel like I’m more and more making up my mind.

I’m really tired and so short post, but we had Our first date today! All Things considered it ended up being eight hours, and I’m not like super overjoyed with myself for it being that long because I really wanted to be intentional with not confusing, intimacy with intensity, and we did talk a little bit about trauma dumping topics, which is also not great but we talked about a lot of other stuff and so I’m really happy with how the date went. I also find myself pacing things a little bit better at least than it happened in the past so I am happy with that. And I really do. Think she’s a cool person and I find her funny and easy to talk to. There are a lot of things that are green flags, and a couple beige ones. Here’s to hoping.

I need to go to sleep so that I can be properly rested for my date tomorrow, but I guess I just wanted to mention how I was talking with J And I mentioned how if I wanted to be like unreasonable and say if she wanted to she would, there was a specific thing she could offer to do, but that was like a joke because I thought it was way too unreasonable to expect that out of someone, and when I looked at my text messages she had offered that. In the grand scheme of things it’s not like anything mind-boggling, I guess, but very much made me feel. Like I was valued and respected, and that she kind of reciprocated effort which matters so much to me. We also talked about some things about trust and how much our word means to us, and we’re both aligned there. I’m really optimistic. But at the same time, if it doesn’t work, I will live and I want to remind myself of that because I want to actively choose this person not just feel like I need a relationship and so I will take it.