An Open Letter

A digital journal

I recently have been feeling like I’m not a good person. I’ve been mostly feeling this, as I’ve just been pretty depressed, and have stopped smiling in normal life. But at the same time, I was talking to a new friend, and they kept mentioning how nice or kind I am. I don’t feel comfortable for some reason hearing this from people, and I feel like I have to argue against it. I guess in my mind I’m always seen as the monster.

I did have to realize, at least I made progress in something. I bought my friends a game since both of them didn’t have the most financial freedom, and I had money from selling one of my things. One didn’t say anything, and the other told me to fuck off. I would do it again. I’ve been trying to do one nice thing every day with no recognition, and I weirdly feel like it’s worked. Who would have thought? I am happy just doing things I think are nice now, just for the action themselves.

I just finished recording, editing, and uploading my video for day 5 of AoC. I’m fucking POOPED. I am not looking forward to having to drink my protein/creatine shake and brush all that get ready for bed. I am eepy, I wanna just conk out now.

I think I journaled enough today, as I did vent earlier twice. I’m kinda over it, as in I realize it’s not that deep. I’m preemptively upset to protect myself, but also I might just let it run it’s course and what happens happens. No point being upset now.

I will say I looked back at the DM’s, and I really don’t think they understood what they did that was wrong, which really sucks. They think that their problem is that they flaked on something. I’m gonna stop myself here, because maybe I’m making an assumption that is invalid – let me clear that up before I jump to any conclusions. I think either way it really isn’t that deep. Or at least I don’t want it to be.

Situation: Friend who I had issues with didn’t say no outright, and rather gave excuses which was the original problem.

Thoughts: Nothing has changed, they will choose the path of least resistance for them, even if it leaves me in a state of limbo and anxiety.

Feelings: They don’t care enough about my suffering to even try being uncomfortable in the faith of healthy communication.

Behavior: I avoid getting close with this person, as they seem to not respect my wellbeing.

Thoughts: Maybe they have changed at least about the bigger parts. I think I have to be more patient with people, most people haven’t had a reason to change much, and that’s something good. I’m happy they haven’t had a reason for that, but at the same time it sucks then that they don’t know how to change better. So all I can do is be patient with them, and recognize the progress where it is. After all, I am grateful that they explicitly said “thank you for bringing this up”

Feelings: I feel a bit more understanding, and so I feel ok.

Behavior: I maybe put a little less weight into their actions, and shadow everything with this understanding for my own protection, but I still care for them as a friend and grow with them.

Something I want to tell them, but I probably can’t right now:

They asked me to explicitly say “It’s ok if you say no” when I ask them to do something or to join me with something. I think this is a bad idea for a few reasons:

  1. I need to have the assurance that they feel comfortable saying no in regular situations, and it’s unreasonable to specify this on everything.

  2. You get over things like this through stuff like exposure therapy. For that to work, there has to be exposure to something stressful. I have explicitly said several times it’s okay to say no, so in that regard, this is a safe thing, but at the same time, this is something where the first time is the hardest by far. They need to consciously say no at some point, and then see that everything is ok.

Regarding point 1, consent is undoubtedly incredibly important. But at the same time, it’s incredibly unreasonable to ask for consent with everything. Imagine if you had to ask your partner for consent every time you touched them on the shoulder, or gave them a high-five. This is an extreme example, but the point I want to make is there is an underlying trust that you can at any point say “I want to not do this”, and that it will be respected. This isn’t something that you need to explicitly ask every time after you have this level of trust and understanding. I think this is a similar thing here. I want this person to trust me enough when I say it’s ok to say no to anything, and to be able to use that also.

Ahh, incoherent rant aside it’s time for me to get ready for bed. Love you Big ♥

Right now I just feel like I don't have a voice. It feels like the things I say do nothing, and mean nothing. I kinda just wanna stay quiet from now on. What's the point of facing basically rejection when I talk about things that aren't inherently agreed upon. I thought after leaving my family it would change, but it kinda feels like nothing changed. I know I'm depressed right now, and so my present feels like all there is, but still. I can't help but feeling like it's my fault that they don't hear what I'm saying.

My dad's currently looking at getting a new car, and he wants to get rid of the old car that he currently has. That car is pretty much my dream car, and he's getting offered below market rate for it. But he won't let me buy it from them, and he's only giving me through proxy a bullshit reason, and so it doesn't even matter what I say as it feels like he doesn't respect me enough to tell me why not.

I kind of just accepted this because this normally happens, and I can't go through life expecting people to be upfront with me. I still hate it.

I asked a friend if they wanted to join me in some other friends taking some rec classes, and they kept giving me different reasonings or excuses. I always assume that people are going to be honest and upfront with things, so when their reasons why they couldn't take it turned out to be avoided, they changed the reason. I have no issues with people saying no, but when I feel like they have to lie to me or give a fake reason why not, that makes me doubt a lot of things. Maybe it's because I'm just not doing the best mentally right now, but it really did upset me because it feels like again they aren't respecting me enough to just say no. Now I'm forced to wonder if it's some more sinister reason like they do not want to hang out with me, or things like that. I wouldn't feel this way if they had just told me no that's not a class I want to take.

It’s 2 am, and I just got home from studying in the library for about 5 hours. I got home and recorded a video for my day 4 AoC walkthrough. I’ve gotten a lot of nice comments, someone even said I had a nice voice. That made me lowkey swoon, as I don’t really like the way my voice sounds.

I’ve gotten pretty anxious recently, I’ve noticed my physical tells are pretty frequent, and also mentally I have to force myself to do things socially. I honestly worry that I’m not being coherent a lot recently, like I’ll say something and not know if I said an understandable sentence. I used to be so eloquent, at least I would think of myself like that. But now I don’t know what’s happened. It’s hard to talk or write. I think I’m just too in my head.

Situation: I don’t want to go to the gym and workout

Thoughts: I just don’t have the energy or any motivation to. I’m tired.

Feelings: I feel like sleeping and stopping.

Behavior: I quit, and maybe stop going overall.

Thoughts: I told myself if I stop I’ll kill myself, because that’s just whats gonna happen anyway. There’s gonna be months where I have no energy ever, and no motivation to do anything. That’s where sheer willpower will make me do things. I can move my body, I can overcome my brain.

Feelings: This is going to hurt, but it’s mind over mind.

Behavior: I thug this shit out until I am less depressed maybe.

Love you, proud of you for sticking to things. It’s just like a muscle, keep doing things you want to do but have no motivation for. Goodnight, and I love you Anshuman ♥

In figure skating, backflips were banned after 1976, because they were too dangerous. Also, it was thought impossible to land on one foot, as figure skating tricks are normally done. Attempting the move would result in a 2 full-point penalty, just for TRYING it.

In 1998, Surya Bonaly (someone who was punished for her style being more athletic rather than artistic) fell during her routine, guaranteeing that she wouldn’t get gold. She had gotten robbed for many years, never getting it, even though she was incredible. After falling, she basically went “fuck this”, and abandoned her routine and went for the banned move, LANDING IT ON ONE FOOT. She became the first person in history to do that, which was thought impossible. The commentators even said “The judges won’t like that”, as she was hailing thunderous applause from the crowd. She finished her routine, and faced just the crowd – her back to the judges.

This gives me absolute chills. Imagine being robbed of recognition for years, and finally failing at the Olympics. And then saying FUCK IT. And doing an impossible, banned trick. For NEGATIVE POINTS. Sacrificing any chance you have at ranking at the FUCKING OLYMPICS. And proving the world wrong, about what really is impossible. And finally NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE JUDGES AT THE END. If that doesn’t get you hype I don’t know what will. The ability to go to the highest level of something, get NO justice for your abilities, and say “fuck it I don’t care” and prove you’re that girl.

I aspire to have that love for something.

Situation: You don’t get recognition for something you think you deserve.

Thoughts: You need to tailor yourself to get that validation

Feelings: Feel sad, but also that you know how to change it

Behavior: You conform, and follow the rat race

Thoughts: You do things for the love of it, not for the validation

Feelings: In a weird way, I feel like you break out of a cycle

Behavior: You are free, you push what you love to new limits

God Surya Bonaly, you’re up there with Matthias Steiner for me now. One day do something like that Suman ♥

I just finished recording and editing day 2 of Advent of Code, this is going to be a pain I can already tell lol. My tutorial from day 1 got 500 views, and a surprising amount of people commented, liked, and subscribed. I’m glad I was able to help people out, and that makes me pretty happy!

That being said, today was pretty fucking horrible. Last night Hash was shivering, and seemed like he was uncomfortable so I was a bit worried. This morning, after our walk he suddenly started wincing, whimpering, and stopped walking. I called the vet to schedule an appointment and then had to go teach my section. When I came back, he was lying down and when I went to pick him up to put him in the car, he started shivering like crazy and whimpering. His abdomen was incredibly tight, and he looked in pain. The vet eventually got back to me and said possibly that he has a back problem, but she isn’t sure about what the issue is either. He could have swallowed something, a GI issue, or some other possible infection but no definite answer.

On Tuesday he has his X-Ray, which will cost $800 out-of-pocket. He might also need sedation, if he is super uncomfortable, which will cost another $600. I want what’s best for him, but at the same time, $1400 is a lot of money to get slapped with. I just want him to be ok, and not in pain. He now has a good amount of pain medication and some extras that hopefully should make him feel better.

Last night I barely slept at all, I was waking up almost every hour and was finding it very hard to go back to sleep. I’m afraid tonight might be the same.

Situation: Hash might need to be sedated for his X-ray, which will cost a lot of money.

Thoughts: I don’t know how I can afford this, and intrusive thoughts are getting bad.

Feelings: I feel horribly stressed, overwhelmed, and like a horrible person for the intrusive thoughts.

Behavior: I shut down completely, and I feel horrible.

Thoughts: If I need to spend the money, I need to spend the money. It is not the end of the world, I want him to be ok. Also intrusive thoughts don’t define my morals or who I am.

Feelings: I feel scared, but more reassured.

Behavior: I don’t let this anxiety dominate my life.

I love hash, and I love you. I pray for both of our health. Goodnight Suman ♥

Hi! I’m actually feeling good today, and it might just be because I took my medication which gives me a lot more motivation, but I feel happy regardless. Advent of Code started today! I’ve got some friends who are doing it with me, and I’m super happy about that. I decided for this year that I was going to record a walkthrough for each day, and it’s actually a lot more work than I thought. I ended up doing like 4-5 takes for different parts, but it ends up with a nicely polished(ish) video. I’m thinking I’ll also get better at this as time goes on, and I hope to stick with this project – as I want to do more video editing stuff in the future also. I have a ton of different fun projects that I’ve let sit on a shelf, so I’m hoping to at least do some.

I also successfully will complete NNN in 20 minutes, so that’s pretty cool – this was my first time intentionally doing it. I’m also being somewhat productive, working on my app for my final project, and it’s weirdly gratifying. I enjoy it a lot. I’ll keep this one short, as I have to teach a section tomorrow morning, and I want to have enough sleep for that.

Situation: Hypothetically I am a girl at the gym struggling with self-image, and some random guy comes up to me and goes “Hey, how’s the bulk going?”, while I’m trying to lose weight.

Thoughts: Some incredibly toxic ED thoughts would be my first guess, and also it would probably lock in as some core insecurity.

Feelings: Feel horribly shamed, ugly, all that bad stuff.

Behavior: Insecure, probably stop going to the gym, hide body.

Thoughts: Maybe the guy just wants to be cruel to someone random, or has something against women. There’s plenty of rational reasons for someone to say something like that, that don’t involve it being true.

Feelings: I’d probably be taken aback, but I wouldn’t let it really get to me as much. It’s just a one off instance anyway, there are plenty of reasonings that don’t involve me.

Behavior: No trauma!

Such a weird thing to do CBT about, but it was something I was thinking about at the gym today, and I don’t really know what else I’d wanna do CBT with today. Oh well! Till tomorrow, love you Karyios! ♥

Hey. I’m again doing this at 1 am, and I’m super tired. I’ve been working on my final project for 7 hours, and I’ve been debugging for the last 2 hours. This is hell on earth, and I lowkey love it. I’m grateful I get to do this. But it also is absolutely miserable. Something about imagining Sisyphus happy.

I realized I am depressed again, things haven’t been feeling good. I think I may know why, but it’s always speculation so only god knows. I had a pretty good session in therapy today, my current stressors turn out to be more triggering than childhood SA which is pretty funny if you ask me. I guess I’ve gotten more comfortable mentioning that at least, which is kinda interesting. I remember as a kid I told myself those would be things I take to the grave, and I only recently told someone it for the first time a few months ago.

So many issues in life end up feeling like they dominate my every moment, and that I have no option other than to kill myself if I want them to be solved. I feel this way until they get solved. And then I barely ever think about them again. Isn’t that such a weird mannerism? I don’t think I’m alone in this, but it’s still pretty interesting to think about.

I’ve also noticed I’m depressed again because I realized that there is virtually nothing I want to do anymore. All the things I do are more out of habit, or obligation – to myself or others. I’ve at least gotten pretty good at forcing myself to do things. I remember how I used to sit and rot in bed for 16 hours a day. I feel like I’m kinda still the same person, but I’ve just gotten more discipline. My ADHD medication does help me here though, it’s nice to be able to focus on something and have motivation to actually do things. Shame it’s fleeting.

I saw a pretty cringy poem on TikTok, but it resonated so I saved it to my phone and set part of it as my status.

You have so many layers, that you can peel away a few, and everyone’s so shocked or impressed that you’re baring your soul, while to you it’s nothing,

because you know you’ve twenty more layers to go

It’s pretty cringy, I’ll admit that – but I did feel weirdly seen. I feel like I’m fairly open, but at the same time, I’m incredibly reserved, which is a very weird dichotomy. I’m almost always willing to answer any questions or inquiries, but at the same time, I virtually never reach out or mention personal things I feel. I am still pretty open, I find it a good way to involve people in my life by sending them messages when it applies – but at the same time with a lot of important things, I don’t mention them unless someone asks me. I spent Thanksgiving alone and got incredibly depressed. I didn’t message anyone that day, and I more or less tried to self-isolate. I don’t think anyone would know that I was struggling horribly badly then if they didn’t read this blog.

I don’t think I need support from people, I can handle all of this stuff on my own – or at least with my therapist and other tools. But I still do feel pretty disconnected from people. I feel like people only really see the facade that I put up to function in society. To be fair, it is also somewhat me – I think I’m happier and not in my mind as much when I’m around friends. But at the same time, I’m incredibly depressed a lot. I struggle with a lot of things, and I don’t really feel like I can share them with anyone else. I’ve reached out to some friends, and they’ve been very supportive and encouraging, but I’ve been waiting for them to reach out to me for support before I ever reach out to them again. I don’t ever want to be a burden.

I weirdly romanticize the people who commit suicide without people recognizing they’re depressed. I don’t want to commit suicide right now, but I also do think there’s something resembling justice when people finally see the person they think is good finally reveal what’s going on. It somewhat feels like a “fuck you” to the culture and nuances in relationships that make connecting and getting support so hard. I sometimes fantasize about the thought of people around me mourning me, but I don’t do it as much anymore thankfully. God this got depressing. Let me just go ahead and do CBT before I ramble anymore, thank god this is tucked away by a wall of text.

Situation: R zn wvzgsob zhsznvw lu gsv gslftsg lu klhhryob xfnnrmt wfirmt bvhgviwzb'h wzgv, uiln evib orggov hgrnfozgrlm

Thoughts: Hsv dlfow szev nlxpvw nv, zmw nzwv ufm lu nv uli rg.

Feelings: R dlfow uvvo orpv wbrmt.

Behavior: R zelrw hvc zmw zmb hlig lu rmgrnzxb uli dzb olmtvi, zmw szev gsv kilyovn tvg dlihv

Thoughts: Nzbyv rg zrm'g gszg wvvk? Kviszkh rg rh nliv lu z nv kilyovn nliv gszm zmbgsrmt vohv. Gsviv'h z evib orpvob xszmxv gszg hsv dlfow szev yvvm uozggvivw, zmw hrmxv dv dvivm'g zmbdzb tlrmt gl yv wlrmt zmbgsrmt iveloermt nv, hsv kilyzyob dlfow szev yvvm kilfw zylfg gszg. Rg dlfow hfivob hfxp gl olhv MMM, yfg rg dlfowm'g yv gsv vmw lu gsv dliow

Feelings: Dvriwob uli gsv urihg grnv R wlm'g uvvo gszg nfxs hsznv zylfg rg. R gsrmp ru R ivzorav gszg gsv lgsvi kvihlm rhm'g hsznrmt nv uli rg, dsb hslfow R uvvo hsznv?

Behavior: R hgzig gl tvg levi gsrh uvzi, zmw gsvm gsv uvzi lu uzrofiv rhm'g gsviv hl R zn uivv gl ivzoob gib gl urc rg.

Do things change that quickly? That’s kinda incredible. CBT really is powerful. I’m proud of you for the things you do. People love you, including me wvkivhhvw ♥

Hey. So I went on our first “formal” first date, and it went relatively well. Things were still a little bit awkward, and I definitely feel like she’s a bit lower energy than I’d prefer – but that may just be because she’s nervous.

I’m a bit worried because I feel like I’m equating everything to these first few dates – meaning however it is now is how it’s going to be forever. I think that’s an obvious fallacy, so I don’t want to give it too much weight. But I’m still a bit concerned, as I don’t know if this is what I want out of a relationship if it even gets to that point.

It’s a bit weird because I don’t know if I’m really being myself around them or not, as I find myself acting the way I do when I’m trying to seduce someone. I don’t think that’s the kind of person I want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t find myself being the kind of person I enjoy being around with this person at the moment. It’s weird.

I think I might go ahead and jumble up some sensitive topics, just because they aren’t things I’d feel comfortable with random strangers or friends seeing, but I can’t be bothered to do CBT or journal in a separate place consistently also. Here’s to a new tradition!

Situation: Zonlhg xznv wfirmt gsriw yzhv rm yzxp lu xzi zugvi wzgv

Thoughts: Gszg dzh gll uzhg, zmw R'n zuizrw lu wrhzkklrmgrmt gsvn rm gsv yvwilln. R pmld R'ev hgifttovw drgs kivnzgfiv vqzxfozgrlm vevi hrmxv tvggrmt luu nb HHIR'h, zmw R nlhg orpvob szev KHHW – yfg rg hgroo wvhgilbh nb xlmurwvmxv. Gsrh rh dsb R hglkkvw szermt hvc uli levi szou z bvzi.

Feelings: R slmvhgob uvvo orpv xibrmt. R drhs R xlfow vmqlb hvc, yfg gsv gslftsg lu xfnnrmt gll uzhg zmw yvrmt nlxpvw uli rg nzpvh nv dzmg gl xib. R'ev yvvm gibrmt nb yvhg gl dlip zilfmw rg, zmw rg uvvoh orpv rg wlvhm'g nzggvi ru R hgroo nzpv hvc kovzhfizyov – yvxzfhv R szev z wrxp gsvb'iv tlrmt gl vckvxg nv gl fhv rg. Gszg gviirurvh nv, zh R wlm'g pmld dszg R xzm wl zylfg rg.

Behavior: R zelrw zmb hlig lu rmgrnzxb li hvc

Thoughts: Hvc wlvhm'g mvvw gl rmeloev nb wrxp. Ru z gizmh trio xzm szev z tllw hvc oruv drgslfg fhrmt tvmrgzorz, R xzm gll. Gszg yvrmt hzrw, R szev gsrmth R xzm hgroo wl. R xzm fhv mfnyrmt hkizb, R xzm fhv gsv mvd nvwrxzgrlm R tlg, R xzm nzhgfiyzgv yvulivszmw, R xzm gib tlrmt uli z hvxlmw ilfmw, vgx. Zohl uli xlmgvcg, R szevm'g xznv rm 28 wzbh. R zohl hkvmg orpv 20-30 nrmfgvh urmtvirmt gsvn zmw nzprmt lfg zolmt drgs sfnkrmt, nzpvh hvmhv R'w yv olxpvw m olzwvw olo

Feelings: R hgroo uvvo hzw, yfg R wlm'g uvvo orpv R mvvw gl zelrw rg levizoo. R uvvo orpv R szev hlnv xlmgilo levi rg.

Behavior: R zn zmcrlfh zylfg hvc zmw rmgrnzxb, yfg R gsrmp R'n xzkzyov lu vcklhrmt nbhvou gl rg zmw hgzigrmt gl tvg levi gsrh uvzi.

I feel somewhat like crying, and violently anxious about it, but at least I’m working to try to fix it. Give me some mercy God. I wonder if this will be one of those problems where eventually it gets fixed and I look back and forget I used to worry so much about it. I love you Big ♥

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