I still want her. But it’s really weird thing because it’s like delayed gratification, and it’s almost forces me to be way more intentional and careful in a way. I noticed that earlier today I got a priority text from her, and I hadn’t heard from her and I saw that it was fairly long and I felt complete dread seeing it. I felt like the hammer was finally going to fall and I was going to get some text about how she changed her mind and she cannot handle interacting with me because of how much she likes me or something like that. I put my phone away before reading it and I tried to focus on the activity at hand with my dad, and focused on doing some emotional regulation skills to remind myself that I am OK and it is a blessing if someone shows me who they are or what they are willing for. But when I finally looked at the messages they were sweet, not in a love bombing way, but rather acknowledging that yesterday was a unfortunate conversation but she appreciated the way that I handled it and wanted to respect any of my wishes for how I wanted to go forward. And it kind of makes me believe more that she is someone that could be consistently safe emotionally, or at least I hope she can. I also think that she very much has her own life and interests and I’m very grateful to be able to say that I have my own also. I’ve run into the issue of not having enough time on weekends nowadays. I’m not truly going to just sit here waiting for her, because I do want to accept the fact that maybe someone else does come along or maybe she is never ready, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t kind of counting down the days to some date that I don’t even know of.
My hand somewhat got forced today, and we ended up calling for ~4 hours. I'm just being use voice to text and I don't care about correcting anything who gives a shit anymore honestly. In a way I feel like it's almost poetic using such a scuffed method of input in this sense and not correcting it, because I think it kind of just aligns with that feeling of how I can have some thought in my head when I try to express it when I try to put into words it's just an approximation of what I feel and I think that's part of the human condition of trying to figure out how to put your words to the thoughts in your mind. Unfortunately she said she was not emotionally available and she was not in a place where she could say yes to a date. And she also showered me an incredibly sweet things. Unprompted she told me how she finds me incredibly attractive both physically and personality wise, And she told me she found my profile attractive, my lips attractive, my hair and my voice. And it's kind of funny because I don't like those things too much. And it's really weird for someone to see those things in you and like those. I really don't like the way my voice sounds and it's something I've come to I think tolerate but never really like. I don't really like the way I laugh either, but I do like the fact that I do laugh so brazenly. There were so many things that we talked about and unfortunately we are incredibly compatible in certain aspects. And the things that I told myself that 0 at least she probably doesn't match me in, she matched me beyond what I could have expected. But at the same time we both acknowled it's a situation neither of us wants where it's her just saying wait for me. And I don't want to be a situation ship but it sucks because I really do like her. But at the same time it's not even that she's doing anything wrong, arguably I would say that she's doing something probably better than I am here. She got out of her relationship a little bit over a month ago and she just lost her dog this week. She said that I've been a source of comfort for her and she really enjoys my company a lot and she doesn't want to lose that. But at the same time it wouldn't be healthy and she currently doesn't have that emotional capacity 'cause she's dealing with all these other emotions and she wants to take some time after her breakup to be able to come back to herself and find that person before jumping into something else head first period And that's beyond fair, and I don't think that I'm necessarily unhealthy, I think been able to process a lot of the things from the breakup and Boo move on from them And so I don't blame her and it's kind of funny because we're both very similar people in that sense but at the same time I don't want to be let on and so I guess we've hit this weird little middle place where we both want to keep talking with each other but at the same time for an indefinite amount of time her answer is a no. And of course there's a chance that she changes her mind at some point and feels ready or something like that, but I can never wait for that and I can't just hold out on that hope. But I also don't want to give up the opportunity if I'm being fully honest. One thing that does suck is even though her parents are divorced both of them are incredibly supportive and Loving towards her. And unintentionally she sometimes kind of brags about it in a way. And it's never something that she even thinks that she's bragging about more just being grateful for, Similar to how I am grateful for a lot of the privilege that I have. But It does leave me with this pain in my chest when I think about how fortunate she is to have parents like that. And she told me at one point when she was venting about how some of her friends said that her parents would fly over when they would go through something like a breakup and she thought about how her parents never did that, and when she talked to her parents her parents said they didn't do it not because it was unreasonable but because they thought she wanted her space. My freshman year I tried to kill myself and I didn't even tell my parents. And I know they would have came but at the same time it would've just made it worse and what the fuck was my dad supposed to do. And I feel like I have half of those options of being able to ask my dad to come but for fucking what reason, He loves me but not in a way that is really clear. And he's not even comfortable with things like hugs and stuff like that and so there's a limit to really what I can receive. And so I do feel a little bit envious the people have such the fucking luck to be able to feel sad about not having that due to a misunderstanding. And it sucks because I think she's such a beautiful and fascinating person, But I want except the fact that it truly may not ever happen. And I think it's almost divine intervention in a couple of different ways, with how there are so many different little things that were so incredibly perfect with their juxtaposition or their timing. Additionally I remember I told her how a big thing I wanted to teach myself was to not convince someone to want to be with you and listen to their words. And so today she told me that she's not ready to date or anything like that, and so I had to listen to myself and I had to try to not convince her which is kind of painful. It's like seeing something slowly start to slip away from your hands and fully just taking your hands off of it and letting it go away. And it feels like there's such a small little bit of friction that you could add to keep that there because it does feel like she really does like me and I do like her a lot. But I'm letting myself correct my own brain chemicals by accepting the fact that just like that it could be gone And it's just like that. And it was nice and I think I do have a lot of gratitude for the fact that I recognize fast it was for me to find someone that was so incredibly wonderful and checked a lot of my boxes. And yes this might have been somewhat of a fluke but it very much shows me that there are people like this out there. I think she's pretty emotionally mature from everything I've seen, she's successful, I think she's very kind, and I think we're very compatible. And if it's happened like this it can happen again. If I really think about it I've honestly been in relationships more than I haven't I feel like for the last year or so. And at the end of the day I'm really grateful for the experience and I feel like I just fucking say that every single time and it's like a default response at this point but I guess I am grateful but at the same time fuck off.
She asked me if I wanted to go to a mountain Park/viewpoint today and I said yes and moved plans around for that. We ended up talking for five hours. We also just drove around a lot talking, walked around the beach, sat on the Bluffs and talked for a while. We talked about a lot of different intimate topics, and got to know each other pretty damn fast. I very much do like her a lot, and I think that she is has a lot of the qualities that I was looking for which is kind of scary because I didn’t even mention them and she mentioned them first. But I also do recognize that I should not blind myself with all of the good things so quickly. I will say however that there were several both good and bad signals.
Good:
She said that she trusts me as a person
We have a lot of things in common and she aligns with a lot of the things that I was looking for
We were able to have a lot of good chemistry in conversation
We have compatible senses of humor
She was being very flirty and doing things like punching me or making flirty jokes
When I made fun of her accent for something she said and then I said how Indian accents aren’t sexy, she said so you think my accent is sexy?
She told me that something I said was hot and it made her flustered
We do align on several core values like kids
Something unfortunate happened because she left her car in the park and the park got locked off, but she handled it pretty well
When I asked her if my car was the one that was left there would she have driven me back 40 minutes, and she said absolutely no questions
Bad:
She did also have a similar length relationship that ended around the same time mine did, which arguably is very recent
She just had to put her dog down, and is emotionally dealing with a lot of grief understandably
We did talk about exes
There were certain points where she indicated that she often asks questions but does not necessarily have an answer prepared herself
We did have a five hour long “date”? That was also mixed with emotional support
I did several bits today that I was very proud of. Also at the gym this old guy pointed to me while talking to another kid and use me as an example for what a good physique looks like, and I got so like flustered and I guess I’m just proud of myself. Also some of my green flags/dealbreaker were confirmed to be good with A, and I really find myself falling for her. But at the same time it’s strange because it feels like I’m falling for her with my mind and not just my heart. Like in a much more controlled and intentional way, and not just because this person is filling up some hole in my life. 60 days can’t come faster.
As I sit here crouched in front of my small heater in my bathroom, I remember what it was like growing up. I spent A lot of my memory crouched by the heater. Feeling that warmth was nice, like a surrogate embrace. I also really like warm showers for that reason, which is ironic because they’re bad for my skin. But I was thinking today how cruel it is that a shower cannot fully engulf me in that warmth. If I was to do that I would drown, and I think there’s something vaguely poetic about that. But only on a surface level, and I think that trope is so worn out that I feel ashamed even thinking it.
It’s weird but expected, I’m right now struggling with the excessive socialization I think. I’m kind of tired, and I feel a bit worn out. I also feel like I’ve lost myself in some ways. Like I don’t game as much as I used to do, not even close. And I think that’s not exactly a bad thing but it is strange to see the difference in myself. I’m supposed to practice smells like teen spirit for my band, but all I want to do is play angst. And I don’t wanna practice the drums like I know I should. I just wanna play guitar because it feels like a proxy for the voice that I’ve never learned how to use. And that’s also ironic because I can’t play the guitar that well all things considered.
Honestly I just want to indulge in self hate a little bit here. I guess maybe because if I do that then it’s a little bit more understandable why I feel shitty even after I did all the things right. I went out with a friend and I signed up for a new event that I was anxious about, and it didn’t go bad at all. But I’m tired. And I feel like the rejection from just being this social and reaching out in this many different ways is catching up to me.
I put a bubble cigarette in my Amazon cart, because I thought it would be really funny as a bit. But I keep finding myself drawn to just the idea of putting that cigarette between my lips. Not an actual cigarette, but just the idea of it is enough to make me want it.
I wish I was able to go to the gym today, like I had enough time to also be able to do that in addition to the event I went to. I feel like when I’m depressed in this sense, the healthiest form of self harm I can do is go to the gym and just take it out on my body. I really do like that pain. I know that it’s not good for muscular growth or fatigue, but I just really like the feeling of pushing myself until the pain is enough to take a forefront in my mind. And it feels so edgy to say it, but I don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s not a bad sort of pain, but it’s more like a physical ringing that continues to get louder and louder until it drowns everything else out. I just wanna get lost in something. I want that escapism. I want some path, and it’s kind of ironic because all things considered my life is not an all bad right now. I guess this persistent sadness that comes sporadically is what got me to where I am so I cannot complain too much.
I spent a lot of time talking with A, and it just feels so natural to talk with her. This feels like the kind of friendship where you just click with someone, but I guess I’m a little bit apprehensive because of all of the things with codependency and such. She mentioned a couple things that checked off some of the boxes that I had, and it kind of feels like she has so many of the things that I was looking for in addition to the things that I know I like. But also I’m not rushing into anything because I know that I at least have 25 more days according to my rules.
I went to a baking club event today, and I saw this one girl I met before that was very pretty and fun to talk to. We finally exchanged numbers so I could invite her to stuff, and at some point I mentioned that she probably only exchanged contacts with my ex, and she said “oh you guys broke up??” Which I responded yes to, and her response to that was “wait my turn to slide?” And I panicked. I responded “no” and probably stuttered something about not dating for a bit, because that caught me so off guard. I’ve been weirdly replaying that moment in my head, because I’m so surprised someone would make that joke unless they were somewhat interested. I guess I do want to believe that I am attractive and desirable and so maybe she was somewhat laying the foundation for flirting, but I may also be reading into it too much. I did meet another person also who had the same name as my prior ex (lol), but we had great conversation and they were excited to hang out. The world may not be as bleak as I thought.
I had an absolutely wonderful day today, I got a full set of drums! Along with a ton of other instruments for my band. I also went to LA for a leap concert, and it was absolutely fucking phenomenal. I got a vinyl signed by all of the members, and photos and got to talk with all of them. On my drive home after watching a video on the benefits of loneliness, I decided to raw dog the rest of my ride home, so I spent 40 minutes with no music or anything like that and I just thought and it was incredibly peaceful.
I stayed up way too late talking with L Since I think both of us struggle with a lot of the same issues, one of those things being people pleasing. It’s kind of nice to have another person’s experiences to clump your thoughts onto to finally form clear takeaways is that you can hold for yourself. People pleasing is not necessarily a noble thing, because it is also destructive to the other person. And it’s nice because framing it like that lets me actually stop it because I recognize it’s a problem worth fixing.
My mind wandered and I thought back to her profile on hinge when I first saw her. A part of me feels tricked in a way with the version of her in my head and the person she showed herself to be. But in writing that I see the parallels to the issue with idealizing a partner. I guess I kinda did that, actually the more I think of it I really did idealize her. She showed me several red flags from the start, and throughout the relationship. She also told me a few times about how she was and foreshadowed things. She also said good things of course and it wasn’t all bad, and I always was able to find excuses to devalue the bad stuff she told me. But there was a gap between her in my mind and her in person. I guess I didn’t really accept her as she is or truly see her since I kept rose tinted glasses on the whole time. I’m not saying it was good or would have worked, I think things would have just ended sooner if I was more realistic. Codependency and spending all your time together truly becomes a drug, and that clouds your mind.