An Open Letter

I spent a pretty good chunk of today just learning how to crochet and doing that while watching TV. I actually enjoyed that a lot and I didn’t feel like my day was wasted. This felt like a more productive use of my time and one where I don’t feel like I have nothing to show for it afterwards. I also did do some cleaning around the house because I realized a lot of tidying wasn’t done and that was probably taking a pretty big toll on me.

I just got back from the Muse concert, and I got a lawn ticket A few days before to try to get the cheapest price. I decided I wanted to See if I could get down to the pit, and eventually two of the employees told me to have fun and give me the wristband! I got to dance and see muse, upfront and close, all because I kept trying, and I was willing to try. And I kept thinking about how a closed mouth does not get fed. It really just does take courage and asking, and you really can get way more than you think.

I had sex again today. I met someone that I vibe with as a friend and we were both on the same page and we ended up having sex twice. Things went well, and I found myself comfortable just hanging out with them afterwards while they were getting ready for something that I said, I would drop them off at. It felt like the kind of stuff. I guess I dreamed about in high school, just chilling on their bed while they get ready and I’m fucking around on my phone and we are making occasional jokes and just talking. And I feel like a normal person, and the way that I’ve kind of longed for. I wasn’t anxious or at least super anxious, I am attractive, and I have a lot of the fixed blessings in my life, where a lot of the difficulties came from things that I can control to some extent. And I remember as I was driving home. I felt a crash, and I thought about how the smell of sex was like shame of the sin that I had done. And it felt like it was washed over by the regret of my actions, but I reminded myself that there isn’t a shame, and there isn’t sin. It’s just the smell of sex that I don’t necessarily enjoy too much. And it’s the physical sensation of just being a bit raw and dry skin combined with weird latex lubes. But I didn’t send and I didn’t do anything wrong, and there isn’t anything to regret today. But I feel like I almost have this compulsion to feel bad after sex. But I know that I can change whatever I want.

Today I matched with an alt person who is a lifter also, And they were sure that I was taking steroids. They were super surprised when I said I wasn’t, and I’m really proud of that. I also found out that one of my friends at my new gym takes steroids, and it makes more sense because he has an absolutely insane physique. But I kind of just told myself that that was because he is incredibly diligent with his training and also his diet. I guess I’m really surprised how many people actually are on steroids, because another friend from the Gym also told me they were on steroids.

I talked with a coworker/friend about some of her plight Of San Jose. Specifically with dating and the culture behind it, and I am really grateful I don’t live here. I don’t have to tell myself that no matter what I would still be happy because I am not happy because of my circumstances, but rather the decision decisions that I make. There are always good things that you can pay attention to. But I digress, I do feel, however, that there is an ugly side of me of competition that really comes out here, which is really funny because I am not trying to date anyone here. Hell, I am leaving tomorrow lol. But I noticed this in myself in the fact that whenever I have seen men in public, I kind of insult them in my head, like I try to put them down and I treat it like there is some competition that I am being judged against them in. I feel like I’m on edge and I am insecure about my own desirability as a person, I find myself worrying about things like random hypotheticals that aren’t even coming up, or how these random people are paying for these meals in fancy restaurants for their partner, and how this probably is a normal occurrence for them. And I do believe that this is fiscally irresponsible, but I feel like I’m fixating on that as a justification for not losing this competition rather than as a separate valid point. I don’t like the side of me, I much rather enjoy the side of me that doesn’t feel like I am fighting and trying to put other people down.

I should’ve had a better day today. I went to the Apple Park gym, and I worked out on a business trip, which I usually never do. I texted friends, Did work, ate good food etc. But I still find myself hurting. And it’s strange because I don’t even see E In my mind, it’s More just a memory of hurting, like that is something I’m supposed to do like that is my obligation. It’s like I have this compulsion to feel pain. I think about how I see a Mazda and I don’t even think about her anymore. That used to be our big inside joke. I think about how she has a boyfriend again. I think about somehow running into her at the airport or seeing her in traffic in her car, even though I know those two things are virtually impossible. And I don’t miss her, and I fully understand that this was a part of my life that is passed. I don’t want it impact either, and I find myself in the shower, almost rehashing old arguments. I think about how for Christmas I got her the childhood stuffed animal that she couldn’t find anymore, and how that was something she used against me when we broke up the first time. She got mad at me for spending too much money on her and giving more thoughtful presence than she did, and I know it came from a place of guilt and hurt, and that wasn’t really the problem, but I also think about how behind my back she told our mutual friend about how it felt like I was trying to replace parts of her, or how everything was white because I was washing the color out of her life. And then I think about how she recorded me when she entered my house with three other people to take stuff back and really hit me at my lowest and make it as cruel as possible. I think about when I said at work and I listen to the recording taking notes because I tried to figure out what I did wrong to justify her still blaming me. I went through everything and I kept crying and I kept hurting, and I had to fight to argue about how it was not OK to even just record me let alone the rest of it, and how at the end of the day it circled back and she said she didn’t regret it and she was happy that she recorded me even though it hurt me so badly. And I just remember my hope breaking and all of the potential and the potential future that I had seen just wash away in that parking lot as I had that call. I think about how hollow I felt walking back to my car. It felt like it hadn’t set in yet like I was in shock. How is this the same person that helped me move into my new house. How is this the person that wanted to marry me, and the person that brought me to their Thanksgiving with their family, where they threw me a surprise birthday party. How is this the person that gave me back a bag depressants that I had given her, with the exception of the few ones she decided to keep. And it’s one of those things where I have given myself the closure I have learned is necessary. I don’t sit here, hoping that she feels remorse or that anything has changed or anything at all from her anymore. And I’m grateful for the experience, but it’s still fucking hurts. And I wish it was a little bit more gentle, but maybe that’s what I needed and I told myself, and I still do that. It was necessary for things to go so nuclear and for things to hurt me so incredibly badly because even after they went nuclear and she did all those things I tried to apologize and get her back. And I needed to learn that lesson sooner than later and so I’m incredibly grateful for this pain. But fuck.

I remember when I was first dealing with a breakup I was watching a lot of different videos about it and someone described grief like glitter exploding. You can clean a lot of it up, but no matter what you will always find little pieces of glitter tucked away. And I wonder how much more glitter is left for me to find. I think about how she gave me a list of food places to visit in San Jose, and that pops up in my head whenever I try to decide where to go for a nice meal. I think about the insecurity that I had because of the level of luxury that she came from. And I know that she did not really do anything bad with that, but I was always just preemptively afraid of judgment or shame for not going to really fancy places or understanding what to do in those situations. Hell, I played golf for the first time at a country club with their family. And I know that it’s not a thing about wealth because I know that I am incredibly wealthy compared to my peers due to the privilege that I have, and additionally the amount of wealth that I come from because of my dad‘s hard work and success. And I know that comparatively she did not have those things when she was not with her parents. But at the same time, I still feel a sting whenever I go to these nice places and I see people bringing their girlfriends. And I feel like it’s a competition of something I am not really willing to do. I don’t go to these food place with myself and I was not raised. To spend money like that, it always felt like a waste of money. But I would worry about how I am supposed to pay for things like this when I already feel like cringing at the thought of spending that much money. And I think it’s such a weird thing about how I got in trouble for spending too much money on her, but at the same time that being my fear in a different lens.

I think it’s just really hurts to have all of this hope and potential in this person in a relationship that I had put so much into, and then have it backstab me. And additionally, I have blame to give myself, because there were a lot of signs that I should have noticed and a lot of unhealthy patterns like the codependency and lack of sticking to my boundaries with things. And I think this is a lesson that I needed to learn, and I think about that line about how sometimes you need to go through it to give advice. And I think I needed to give myself this advice and truly learn from it in a way that words were not able to teach me ahead of time.

I just wonder how long this glitter will haunt me for.

While I was landing, I looked over at San Jose from the airplane, and I felt a similar pang of sadness. Every time I’ve come back here, it has felt less strong, and I guess I feel like a lot of it is probably because of my memories here with my ex and her family. And every time I have faced it, it has been more and more quiet. I also think part of me just doesn’t really like this city too much, but I’m glad that things are getting easier. It’s also a little bit weird because for the first time, a friend is not available to hang out, usually I hang out with two specific friends when I come up here for two days, and both of them are gone for business trips. I’m going to be interested seeing what I do with my time.

I had one of those days today where I just didn’t really want to get up off the couch. I had already gone to the gym, but I got pretty bad Tennis elbow and so I ended up taking it kind of easy and I was supposed to hang out with a friend for the first time in a while, but she flaked again. I just didn’t really have any motivation to do anything.

I’ve noticed I don’t care at all if someone takes weeks to message me back on Hinge or something like that because I’m not at all waiting for any messages. I wonder if this is not caring in a good way or in a way that just avoids pain.

I looked at my blocked list on Instagram because of the girl yesterday, and I saw my ex there. I saw that she had a new profile picture, and it was her kind of flexing in the mirror and since I introduced her to the gym, I was curious and so I clicked on it to see it bigger, and I don’t miss her, which is good. I also did see in her bio that she has a boyfriend I think now. The name was a little bit ambiguous, but she was adamant that she was straight but who knows. I clicked away pretty quick after seeing that because I just saw it in the bio the text with a heart, like she used to have for me. And to be completely honest, that hurt to see. I’m not honestly completely sure why it does, at least past the immediate obvious feeling that she has moved on. Or at least moved on enough to start a relationship with someone else, and I guess nothing is wrong with that for several different reasons. One is for the fact that I have been dating for a while, and a part of me also thinks that she probably did not really process to break up the same way I did, and there will be a lot of stuff unresolved there. But that’s kind of a bitter way of looking at it, and I would rather focus on the other part of me which thinks that I’m happy for her, because I do hope the best for her. I think she was a good person like most people are, just has childhood scars and toxic patterns that need to be learned from, and I am one of the stepping stones, the same way she is for me. I also think that there is some amount of paying that comes from the fact that she entered a new relationship sooner than I did. Part of me hoped that I would enter one first, and when I think about any specific reasons why I wanted that there is nothing real that comes to mind. I think it is one of the surface level thoughts that exists just there. At least to preserve my ego or whatever wanted that in the first place, I can tell myself that I did have several dates, and more people who have been interested in me. I know that I very easily could enter into a relationship if I wanted to the question is the quality of relationship, and how willing I am to hold out to wait for something great. I’m kind of saying this I guess just vent and to get it hopefully these thoughts out of my head, but I think about how my exes previous relationships have been not great people, how she has called them bums and they have been incredibly unsavory. I think if it was just a competition about entering relationship like that, I would be able to, but additionally, she does have the part about being a woman, especially in Mail dominated fields like gaming and the whole people pleasing portion to her advantage. But either way, I’m still very confident in myself as a person and I have only heard resoundingly good things from friends and other people about my desirability as a partner. I know, and I would like to remind myself that I am exceptional, and I am a catch, I think the thing that kind of plagues me is the fact that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I think I am the kind of person that doesn’t strictly adhere to suicidal norms, and for some people, this is exactly what they are looking for and a dream to them. But also to other people, it might gross them out and much more traditionally, masculine or less expressive, or not as emotionally opinionated. And I also know that what I’m looking for is arguably equally as strange. And because of this, it will take me much more time to find someone. And I think to some extent I don’t really have as much of a choice about it, sometimes I think about if I wish I was more boring or normal, and then I would be happy with any form of vanilla ice cream rather than a specific flavor that I really enjoy. But I think that the difficulty is what makes it sweeter. I think the thing that kind of scares me a little bit is how aware I’ve become recently that the type of person that I look for isn’t really related to someone that is emotionally healthy. And I know that by virtue of myself existing nothing is impossible, because I would like to find someone who is like me. But I feel a little bit scared because I think that I am one of those people that beat the odds, and to be fair I still do have a good amount of issues and I think things that aren’t favorable, and it’s not like this is perfect, but I think that because of the childhood that I have and the kind of upbringing I had, I have become a weird or strange person. And I think that since I have spent a lot of time working on these things, I end up being able to reap the benefits without the drawback as much. I almost think of it like a incredibly large and heavy sword, it is absolutely a disadvantage until you become strong enough to wield it properly. And I guess maybe there is some inherent form of value based thinking rooting behind this worry of not being able to find someone that matches me in that sense. Because maybe at the end of the day, I don’t need someone to match me. I need someone to be good in an independent valuation. I kind of think about how with friends I really don’t worry about any kind of notion of value at all, the things I look for are consistency, how friendly they are, and how much I’m able to interact with them. And if I think about it, I have so many different friends some that are absolutely incredible people and some that are struggling in life. And I’ve never really given any thought to this or prioritized one over the other, and I wonder if there’s any merit to the same thing for relationships. I think immediately my answer is no at first because of the fact that with partner you’re choosing just one person, and there is an absolute opportunity cost of losing out on potential other partners. Additionally, I do believe that a partner is to some extent a reflection of you and a reflection of how you view yourself. And I also think it’s a reflection of how other people view you. I think about friends who stay in relationships because they’re afraid of being alone and they’re with unsavory people, and I do feel like in my head that paints them in the negative anxious light. And when I think about seeing people online that have incredible partners, I think of them as confident and desirable because there must’ve been something the other person saw. I almost feel in a weird way like it’s a piece of clothing, the same person can look different with different pieces of clothing and I guess to some extent partner is self expression. But of course, a partner is way more than an aesthetic thing, I think Wen people have a partner that is kind of shitty or they do bad things, it reflects on them for putting up with it and staying, and when I think about people that have partners that do incredibly kind and loving things or sweet things and are all around good people at least from my view, I view that person better. And I also think that completely observation aside, you want to have a good partner because you deserve to have good things. And part of me feels like I have done a lot of work by myself, and I have ended up building a life that I am very proud of, and I think I am incredibly desirable, at least to myself. I guess I’ve already kind of got the fallacy if they thank you, but I was going to say that it feels like I have done all of this work, and I deserve to have a good partner as a result of that, because otherwise the work would’ve been for waste. But I think a partner in our ability is parking for sure, but at the end of the day, the improvements to my life and the richness and these positive things were done for me. And I do feel like I am OK completely without a partner. It does suck not being able to have sex with someone you fully trust, but at the same time, I don’t need to worry about my partner, potentially feeling hurt or insecure by one of my actions. I have my emotional stability, independent of others and rooted in my support network rather than heavily in one other person, I have flexibility and freedom with the things I want to do, I have hope which is a pretty nice thing because I think there is a certain sense of dread with a relationship and it’s the fear of losing something rather than the hope of getting something. And I think that ultimately at the end of today life always has its way of making sure everyone drinks, their fair share of misery from its glass. A relationship to solve some problems and introduce some others. And almost more importantly, a bad relationship would do more harm than good. I do feel better after going on this walk and talking about this. Thank you for giving that.