I told myself that tomorrow I’m going to make my Hinge public and stop being a coward. I’ve talked with several friends and they’ve also said that it feels good and there are Little things here and there that I could do, but I don’t need that. I’m never going to be ready and I’m always going to think that there’s something small here or there that I could change or something that I’m missing and if I wait for the perfect day, the perfect day will never come. I think it’s a little bit cruel for me to be dating or talking with people that I feel like I wouldn’t actually want to be in a relationship with. I find myself making excuses we’re trying to find reasons why I shouldn’t date people. It’s rough because I don’t think that should feel like, and the scary thing is because I have felt loved before and I worry that every time it should look different from what I have learned.
I did squats today, second day back at the gym since starting to recover from this sickness. The program started with 225x10 which is apparently a pr. 6 sets of it. The first set hurt so fucking bad, my back hurt, my wrist hurt, and my lungs felt like they were dying. I wanted to stop so badly and just skip it and make an excuse. I dug deeper than I have in a long time. On the second set my back hurt more, everything felt horrible. I was getting very lightheaded and I would have stopped or taken it easier before. I thought about that study on positive self talk mid set. But it hurt and my body was screaming to quit. And so I kept chanting in my head “it hurts and I want it.” I kept mentally saying it until I was yelling in my head, and I got through three sets before I felt I had done enough to skip the rest. I got through it. And I’m proud of myself. I had to hold myself on the bar to let my heart and lungs catch up, but I did it. I’m grateful for the ambition to chase something hard. Even when it’s things that seem small it’s the willingness to push past what I think is right.
Today I had the pitch a friend event where G And I pitched each other. To be completely honest there weren’t really people there that I felt like caught my eye, but I did have a good amount of interest in me. I have a few girls come and approach me, and they weren’t unattractive or undesirable people at all, just not necessarily my type. I thought about how interesting it is to be on this side of the stable matching theorem, because there were these girls that are showing interest in me, and aren’t horrible candidates I guess for a lack of a better way to put it, but at the same time I’m not really like overly enamored by them. And so I don’t pursue them, because I’m used to being able to chase what I desire. I do appreciate the confidence boost however.
There have been four days in a row I did not go to the gym. It was a mixture of getting my hair permed, where I cannot sweat for 48 to 72 hours, and also me being pretty badly sick. My head has been hurting, I am coughing like crazy, I’m fatigued, and my body aches. I honestly didn’t want to go to the gym today, partially because by the time I got home it was 8 PM. But I ended up forcing myself to go, and even though I felt super weak at first, like I was struggling with what is usually just a complete pointless warm-up of bench pressing a plate, I persisted. I also started a new workout split, and it was honestly more volume than I was prepared for. I took it a little bit easy, but still? And for the first time in a while I feel good about my body again. I also physically feel honestly pretty good after that which I’m happy for. I’m really proud of myself for reminding myself that it doesn’t need to be perfect but it matters that I go.
I talked with her today, and she explained that she did want me to be there, but this was one of those Friend dynamics where it was intended to be just a girls trip. Is that she mentioned how she absolutely would invite me if men were allowed, and that she does want to go on a trip with me and that she understands where I’m coming from. The answer is still a no, but I feel better.
One thing I’ve been thinking about after talking with N Was how my Hinge profile could likely benefit from some sort of faith thirst trap or photo that shows off my physique. I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of mixed feedback on this, but most of it involves tastefully showing off your body. I feel like my profile lacks that right now, and it feels weird to try to figure out a socially acceptable way to show off.
Today I went to a friend‘s birthday party, and I was talking about how I wanted to go to Six Flags waterpark. One of the girls there was constantly shitting on it and saying how there’s no point driving that far for it, and I was just kind of saying I enjoy it. I was asking A if she was interested, and she was saying that she was. The other girl started talking about how she wanted to go to a different one, and then said that it would be fun to go as a girls thing. It just directly feels like such a slap in the face to say that because it excludes me. It feels like intentionally trying to set up a situation or social dynamic where it is implied that I am not allowed. That shit hurts.
I found out that G was organizing another girls trip. J told me, And even offered to ask her directly about inviting me. G said that this was just going to be a girls trip. It hurts because there was a trip earlier and G said that next time she would absolutely invite me, and it kind of feels like I’m getting my hopes crushed after getting them raised. I know that there may be valid reasons for it, but it very much hurts in the same way that my childhood did when I would get excluded from things with friends because they were girls and I was not. And it feels like it’s the same thing happening again.
S: G is planning another trip, and explicitly did not invite me because it is going to be a girls trip.
T: it sucks because I don’t see why I couldn’t be invited, and additionally G said that next time she would invite me.
F: I feel like I’m being excluded, and it’s because of my gender. I feel like the friends I consider close are not actually that close to me.
B: I feel like shit, and I pull away from my friendships.
T: This might just be a girls trip in the sense of an existing friend group, and G does enjoy interacting with me and would want to go on a trip, but they already have their established friend group.
F: honestly it still hurts a lot. But I think it hurts a little bit less so. I can talk with my therapist and try to figure out how to not have this bitterness.
B: I talked with my therapist and I don’t punish friendships for this.
Today I called out of work because I was emotionally feeling that drained. If I’m being completely honest I don’t really wanna get into it right now, and so I just won’t. I will say that I do feel like I am seeing tangible growth in myself, both in the way that I handle communication, and in the way that I respect my need for time or space before I handle something, as opposed to acting out of emotion.
I went to the gym and I felt really weak because I’m sick and drained, and when I got home after doing other stuff I decided I might as well just take a Polaroid of my body because I was walking around shirtless and I kind of did like the way that I looked. Or at least it felt like it was a familiar thought to feel happy with how I look even if I don’t necessarily fully feel it. And I was hoping that have a nice Polaroid would make me feel good, but on the first one my face was in it and I didn’t know and so I wasn’t making any real expression and I look psychotic and I don’t like the way I look there. I was going to throw away the Polaroid, even though in my scrapbook I have kept every Polaroid even the ones that don’t develop or developed poorly. I decided to try to use my lighter to get the photo to essentially sensor my face, but it ended up just burning the Polaroid. I felt like it was almost poetic in a sense, the burn marks over my face to cover my insecurities and to try to mask it with my body. And it feels almost like intentional objectification of myself, as a way to distract from flaws. To provide my own value in such a clear unconnected sense.
J Is both more photogenic Than me, but also worse at taking photos. It sucks because I look at these really nice photos of her I take and then I look at the photos of me and I kind of hate them, and I feel fat and gross and I feel insecure. And it’s weird because on one hand I’m like I don’t care if I gain weight because anyway that’s kind of attractive in its own way and I get to be strong, but when I see like my chin I feel bad.