Today I felt a lot. I want to say good, but it wasn’t all good, but at the same time I’d love to live this day over and over again. I was playing basketball listening to music on my new headphones, and I found a few new songs, especially one that really resonated with me I guess. I ended up playing for like two hours, because I was just happy to be there I guess. Like I was laughing at myself for missing the ball several times in a row, felt the urge to do a cartwheel (which I recently learned) and did, and just had fun with it I guess. I’m glad I’m alive.
I don’t like the value-oriented mindset of relationships with people, but at the same time, S asked me something that stuck with me. They asked me why I was spending time with A, and I had to think for a while. The question came out of nowhere, and it stumped me. They’ve inadvertently treated me pretty badly, and also have not been a great friend, along with other things. I think I have my answer if people ask me what my red flags are – I do think I am loyal to a fault.
The water pulled back from the shore today. I was sitting in S’s house and we were talking about moving soon and leaving things behind. I realized how I’m not going to be able to hang out with N and L anymore, and not be able to do martial arts with them. Or other stupid shit. I’m not going to be able to see C, or M, and also W. It’s going to be weird losing so much of the structure I held dear to me. I didn’t want to really acknowledge it, since I think it’s going to hurt and I’d rather cherish the time I have.
I realized why I shut down. I also realized I have only really done this around A, and my mother. It feels like every time this happens, it's because there's something important I want to say but I don't feel like I can. Like I feel like it's something I'm just not safe to say, or something that would be overall bad to. And so I just have to bite my tongue. And then I don't want to forget that thought because it is important, but I can't let go of it either. And so I just stop talking, and I hope that they will give me a chance to say it. But then the chance doesn't come, and eventually I just accept it and then withdraw into my thoughts. I don't like it, and I wish I didn't have to. I don't know if it's because of growing up in a household where I had to control someone else's emotions for them, or if it's because that's the situation I feel like I'm in again. I get jealous of the people that can just say what they want without caring about the consequences.
I stayed up last night till 5 AM since A was over, and I’m paying the price for that now. I told myself I’d sleep early, and instead, here I am. I guess I’ll give up more free time tomorrow to compensate hopefully.
I realized how every girl I've been with has gotten feelings for me, or hasn't been able to get over me. I found myself getting so insecure with the whole hookup culture, and comparison – but is that really what I want to be? Instead it feels like I'm a good partner and a catch, and so I want to believe that more instead of feeling undesirable. I am more than enough.
It's stupid, but I'm trying to see things differently. If someone was high elo because they had insane game sense, and you were a similar rank because of mechanics, would you be like “damn I'm worthless because I don't have their gamesense”? No (at least I think). Everyone has their strengths to play towards, and there are different paths to the goal. I'm not the fastest and most agile basketball player, but I'm strong and so I can jump and rebound. I can also do other things, and there's things I can't. It doesn't have to be a comparison but can be just a fun game.
Thank you to the random sketchy email that told me to step it up with encryption LOL. I knew that the cipher I was using was completely trivial for anyone that’s familiar at all, but I was mostly banking on the fact that the people I was hiding shit from wouldn’t know to do that, but this is probably smart lol. Thank you for looking out for me!
I think I need to have some self-respect. It's insane that I'm losing sleep over this, it's and now I just keep thinking about all of the instances of her just blatantly disrespecting me. I think I was an incredibly great partner, and even afterwards I've been exceptionally good to her. If she wants to take that for granted that's on me continuing to be good to her. Have a fucking backbone. In no way shape or form do I need her, but I am hoping that the uncertainty I have in her is optimistic. At the same time I need to remind myself even though it kind of sucks, if she doesn't treat me similarly, there's no reason for me to do it to her. And then if I don't want to stoop to that, then I can just call it off whenever I want. I think about how M I was giving his toxic masculine perspective, and I kind of understand why people like him say not to trust people. I don't agree with it, but I think it comes from a place of being hurt or lied to and falling for it, and then deciding to keep walls up to prevent that pain of trust again. I do think that it's a necessary risk however, and it's worth it to trust and be hurt, and trust again.
I asked A for advice, and she was happy to give it to me, and I got to know her more yesterday. She is very similar to me in a lot of ways that I value a lot, since it’s kinda rare. She again talked with me today which I’m super grateful for, since I know that it can NOT be fun to have to tell someone that they’re being a dumbass in a nice way continuously. But I think we have become closer as a result of that; she reached out and asked me if I had played Marvel Rivals. I feel like a lot of my closest relationships have come from times of struggling where I’ve reached out to them, and as a result, I've broken past a lot of those barriers of intimacy with friends. This reminded me of the Nova effect, where so many times, bad things lead to good things. And good things lead to bad things. I think it’s important to really appreciate the good parts when they happen, and be conscious of the decisions that led there. Even the bad things that led there.