I’m happy to say that I am well I would consider pretty much completely over my ex, but I think it kind of comes a little bit with the territory that I have started to forget a lot of the bad things. There are a couple specific moments or memories that I have that I guess I kind of do cherish, in the sense that I’m a little bit worried that I won’t get to experience something like that again. And I know that this is cherry picking and so I don’t treat this as something obtainable, but there are specific moments that I feel like “hey, I think this is what I’ve dreamed of.” like for example, showering with her and seeing her goofy smile, and feeling completely comfortable being able to be myself. The routine of getting out of the shower and giving her her towel, getting ready for bed together, and then having her lay against my chest while I read. And how much I loved cuddling her. And the nights where things were perfect, are absolutely wonderful, and I do want to remind myself that there was a lot of issues and a lot of times where things were very much not perfect at all. There were a lot of boundaries that were crossed, there was a lot of times where I didn’t feel safe, there was a lot of incompatibilities and things that I wouldn’t want in a partner. And so overall, I’m very glad that this was something to learn from an experience that I got to have and grow from. But some of those little slices of heaven do feel like have taste tasted caviar, and I kind of don’t wanna go back to tilapia. And that makes me feel sad in a deep way. I remember that I told her that she was the best sex that I had had, and I didn’t feel like I was lying and I’m grateful for that. But I worry now that with any kind of dating, maybe it isn’t that I’m always upgrading and having better and better sex, maybe I did have someone on the upper end of the bell curve. And I know that I do not want to go back to it and I think that this is just one of those instances where you can do nothing but sit with the grief.
L asked me what the stupid joke video I posted worked out, and I assumed that she knew that it was forearms and I kind of got excited to show off a little bit and so I sent her the video of my forearms I took after, and apparently it was so much of a thirst trap that she was fighting off demons, and talked about it on her story, and her friends were all saying that she should go for it, and that they would, and that she had talked about me already. She was saying that she was trying to be friends with me and at one point posted a small joke image saying when he’s not into you. I don’t know honestly what to do because I don’t want to potentially hurt anybody and I don’t want to lead anybody on and I also don’t know if I’m really comfortable or capable of being the object of someone’s desire because of my own issues and the need for my own emotional safety, which is more than I think a regular person’s for things like sex. And I also haven’t really had friends with benefits or things like that. I’ve only really had sex in hookups or dynamics where I kind of disassociated the whole time and then didn’t really stay as friends with them.
Unfortunately, I won Catan today. I say unfortunately, because there were a few people I was playing with that were being somewhat competitive and were a little bit of a sore loser at the end. I understand that this is not my responsibility, but at the same time I recognize that some people are sore losers and I am completely fine losing games. My biggest priority is that everyone is having fun, and the way I see it is if I win someone else may be unhappy if someone else wins I won’t be unhappy at that, and they will likely be more happy and so I don’t mind. But unfortunately, that’s just how the game went and I guess I could have thrown more than just sharing information or strategy against myself, but at the same time I feel like that’s kind of excessive. It’s not like it’s my responsibility to make sure that the other people will not be sore. Losers, that is on them. Do it right there?
I had a thought because I was scrolling through TikTok and I saw a video of that LARP battle Website. There was a kid in what looked like the Philippines that was showing off a collection of four supercars, and the comments were saying that their goal is to be rich enough that their kid can win those battles. And I think about a modern variation of the American dream to be able to afford these luxurious things and have super fancy toys, and it kind of reminded me how people talk about men that are happily married with a kid and they say that those men are truly rich. And I think to me both of those things very much have their appeals, honestly, I would rather have the happily married life. But I feel like my experience has been one of fairly strong negativity, in the sense that I genuinely feel like there is an easier and more direct path to the large amount of material wealth compared to finding that love story. I know that in the next few coming months, I will have my yearly performance review and I think there’s a pretty good chance that I end up making 200 K a year which is absolutely insane for being only one year out of college. I know that if I continue down the path I am on I believe that I will continue to rise and make more and more money. And I joke a little bit about it, but if I do not have a wife and kids, I will very much have that extra money to be able to pretty much do whatever I want. I am right now I would say roughly net even, without using my stock compensation. As my income grows more and more, I don’t really expect my lifestyle to creep proportionally, but then again I absolutely know that it can. But that being said I feel like I would be able to continue to go at this rate and if I didn’t have a wife and kids, I would be able to do things like buy fancy cars or stuff like that because anyway, I already have a house at an insane deal. And I think that is the biggest thing in life to save up for or purchase and with that out of the way, I have the rest to be comfortable with. And I guess it kind of makes me a little bit sad having to accept a life of lavish material things as a dream rather than a happy family, and something that doesn’t rely to some extent on the feeling of competition with others. I think the material things are heavily influenced by the social prestige that they give. And I know that I’m not really the kind of person to want something like that. I like the idea of being able to spend money, I think it would be really nice to not have to cut quarters and to be able to spend money on the things that I would love to, for example having a stylist and being able to buy nice clothing rather than trying to find deals where I can, and all of that, but at the same time, I understand that there really isn’t much a difference at the end of the day from the clothing itself. I also know that the idea of that whole race of trying to just show wealth without any value behind it like luxury clothing, or wasting money on stuff like bottle service that clubs is always something that kind of disgust me and I’m happy with that. I don’t want to live a life pressured by social appearances. But I guess I kind of wish that there is a more explicit way or path that I could go down to find that love story I’ve wanted since I was a kid. I’ve recently been thinking a little bit more about trying to work on my appearance even more, because I think that it is something that is pretty much your entrance in the door for talking with people or getting them interested in you. And when I think about my sense of value and my self-esteem regarding that, I understand that they are not necessarily things that you can see from a first impression maybe. Like if I was to approach someone at the gym it’s kind of hard to play to my strengths I guess in the same way that being more beautiful could. I also think that there is now this kind of pressure in my head about a future partner being someone that other people consider beautiful also. I think that a partner is a reflection of yourself and I understand that looks are not everything but very much is the first impression people get. I want people to see me as a success I guess. It’s weird because when I started that sentence, I realized that my desire for a partner to be someone people valued is me worrying about other people’s perception of me and to some extent, I am playing that whole social game. I guess it’s kind of hard to instantly change my perception of this, but maybe a perspective I could have is, I don’t need people to see me in Gucci or designer clothing, but I should still be well dressed in a style that adheres to me. There’s a certain point onwards where marginal improvements come at a huge cost, like the jump from random generic shirts to a good quality shirt with a design you like is much bigger than jumping to a designer shirt, but the cost drastically increases. And I think that’s the same for a relationship, I don’t need someone that would be insanely thirsted over online, but I would love it if people would see them and say wow yeah no she is beautiful or she is really attractive. And I’m not saying that is a necessity but I think that’s a reasonable goal to strive for. And I also think that there is two trains of thought of one, me being the same way to match my partner, but also there is the lens that I think there are a lot of different aspects of me that are incredibly exceptional and I don’t expect a partner in to match me in, and appearance this could be one of those things that I’m fine being on the better end of the deal for. But I also just don’t like this whole idea of a deal or value and I think those things get in the way of the real goal and so I’d rather just try to focus on improving myself for my own sake.
I’m thinking about the YouTube video that I was watching again that at one point talked about the different kinds of love according to an old study, there were things about passion, things about practicality about competition and so forth. I matched with someone today that I feel like I have pretty good synergy with communication style-wise. I wonder if this is something that I can hope for an a partner or if it’s one of those unimportant goals.
I’ve been really tired for a pretty good amount of time now feel like I have a few days where I am waking up energetic and rested, but more often it feels like I am already tired, I’m yawning all the time and it’s hard to get to focus on things. I also feel like I’m tired with the concept updating. I feel like what I’m looking for is not at all the more I dig into it mentally the more and more filters pile up, making it less than less probable. It ends up culminating in this type of exhaustion when I think about this problem being one that I am ultimately responsible for. It starts to feel like an, and I know that I already struggle with certain things like the way that I haven’t cleaned off the left side of my bathroom counter because I need to move all the things onto the floor and it’s just a very simple problem because I did not have an immediate solution for weeks for months. I have had a cardboard box with the desk supplies that I need to throw out that I haven’t done because I don’t have an easy solution to it. I need to clean my bathroom, but I just don’t do it. And so when I think about the question of solving dating and finding the person who I would ultimately be really happy spending my life, it feels like such an incredibly insurmountable task, but I don’t have a clear direction. I don’t really know what to do.
I got the deal again and so I spent $15 to get a month of hinge X, and with that I have gotten a pretty good amount of matches I would say. I guess I just wanna quickly remind myself that the success on apps is not a reflection of my desirability at all.
I was playing games with T like normal, and there was a person in our games that we were joking around and so after a bit, we invited them to Call with us and they seemed very friendly. I feel like it’s kind of surprising in a way how often it feels like people just could’ve stumbled into my life in different avenues. I think about the people at the gym that I have recently met and have been really friendly at first, but I guess I also feel like with all of these people or at least a large majority of them friendships start off with I guess too much of an expectation for me, I feel like the friendships are all going to be much more reliable and faster case than what happens in practice and that caused me a decent amount of strike and I guess by saying it out loud I recognize that this is more Reid of my experience with friendships being really intense rapid things because of how I grew up and so even though I think I have recovered from that enough to be at the point where I’m more appropriately pacing my interactions with people, I think I might still both expect a lot more from people than is reasonable, and I might still come off as two. I guess that’s something to be aware of and it kind of sucks because I don’t have any kind of like universal framework or benchmark or something like that that I could use to say oh this is what this is what is normal so far but what can you do you know?
I’ve started a powerlifting program again and I’m so excited! Also, there’s this one girl at the gym that is really pretty, but looks absolutely terrifying like i’ve started a powerlifting program again and I’m so excited! Also, there’s this one girl at the gym that is really pretty, but looks absolutely terrifying like an insane death glare. At the end of our gym session J and I went to the posing room and she was there, and I asked her for advice on something and she was such an incredibly bubbly, friendly person. We exchanged Instagram’s and I don’t know. I think it’s just insane how much things can change if I give them the chance.