Dating show bullet
I am driving home from the dating show right now, and I chose the girl that seemed really fun and that would match my energy even though there were a couple red flags, I ended up talking with her for a while afterwards, and there were still the red flags, but things kind of exploded when she made a particularly Jugy comment that was kind of insane. She said that if a penis is not a certain thickness honestly at that point what’s the point get rid of it and throw it away, and I’m really grateful that this is not something that I’m insecure about, but I did push back on it because I like to do this on principal, I think with penis shaving it very much is body shaving, and I’d like to stand up for it, and I’m really grateful that I’m in a position where I’m able to talk about it without taking any of it personally. When I pointed out that it was like body shaming, she started to say stuff like oh but guys make comments about women’s bodies all the time, and I mentioned that does she want to be like those guys, and she started deflecting. She kept jumping around several different things. She started getting incredibly defensive and kind of aggressive with it and at that point, I realized how there’s nothing I really want to do with this person, and so I was happy to honestly just burn the bridge and explore some conversation trees. I asked her if she felt like she was being defensive and stuff like that and she refused to acknowledge it and continue to deflect, she started to try to reflect things on me, and when I didn’t buy anything, she kept shifting what she was saying. She tried back peddling and saying that she was just making jokes, and it was dark humor, and that I was just being sensitive, and then she was saying that she was only saying that because she knew that it didn’t apply to me, and that if someone said that stuff about her, she would be completely fine about it because she knew that they were jokes, and they didn’t apply to her. And I kind of just was surprised to see that someone that has been in therapy for eight years still struggle so much with the defensiveness that comes from a person that is carrying a lot of guilt whenever they do anything bad. She very much strikes me as the kind of person who is heavily trying to be a good person, and so when they are told that they hurt someone or potentially do something wrong, they have to invalidate it to preserve their innocence. And I feel bad for her, and I hope that this is something that doesn’t stay with her forever. She talked about getting liposuction to move some of her fat to her breasts because they were small, and she talked about how she wanted to travel a ton and all the stuff even though she didn’t really have the money for it. I feel like there is so much pressure on having this picture perfect life and thinking that having money would solve her issues. I also think that she was incredibly sexual, she was grabbing my body a lot and would talk about sex things a lot, she even said at one point that sex was her special hobby. And I thought about the thing that my therapist said about how certain people go into that defense mechanism of being hypersexual in the hopes of keeping someone happy and having them want to stay with you. This whole concept of if I am this person‘s sexual fantasy, they will desperately want to stay with me as this is an additional source of, and I’m glad that my therapist pointed out because I was able to see a lot of the science this time and I think it’s kind of fascinating learning about something that you spotted almost like learning an instrument and hearing it in songs suddenly. If I think a little bit more selfishly about my own life and the lesson to learn there I think about how I was kind of sad realizing this with my therapist about how finding someone who is arguably not even sexually compatible, but rather super sexual, and wants to do the things that I would enjoy so heavily of people pleaser how that is not healthy. And I’m glad that that is independent from someone having a high sex drive and being open to trying new things and caring about a partner‘s pleasure, but I think the incredibly intense almost immediate hypersexuality and priority on being desired is kind of a recipe for disaster. And I guess I wonder if there’s a way that I can romanticize it, because maybe there is absolutely merit in a slow burn, or a gradual build of tension that comes from a place of safety not just lust. I think about the time recently where I had sex and it was pretty much everything I could ask for, the person had an incredible body, and they were heavily focused on my pleasure and pretty much a fantasy in that sense, and I still didn’t feel nearly as good as I do when I’m with someone that I love. I think that is something to really hold onto because it really is something beautiful and additionally sustainable. I wonder if I can not even just put myself in her shoes or her in a hypothetical sense, but flip the roles and stay as myself. What happens if sex with something that women heavily wanted, and it was something arguably selfish for that. Additionally, it’s something where I am kind of the one at risk and also the one in the position of power. Even if I enjoy sex if I am having sex out of this pressure or obligation to have someone continue to want me, I think all it takes is really one time for it to corrupt the act of sex as a hole. I think it immediately goes from being something that is a choice and a mutually beneficial fun trusting thing you can do with someone into a obligation and something where you are essentially forced to do it at risk of punishment or losing something. Also, something else comes to mine, I remember she asked something on stage about my attachment style and I answered that growing up I was a lot more anxiously attached but through a lot of therapy I’ve started to shift more towards secure and I would say that I’m fairly secure right now at least a theory. She told me when we started our date that she was anxiously attached, and when I mentioned that I don’t think that’s a healthy thing or a good thing, one of the big points that I point out is how it often comes at one’s own sacrifice, and once that obligation happens, it becomes a festering wound that builds up more and more resentment, and she quickly said that she is not that and she would not change who she is for anyone, and I feel like I’ve seen this several times before in similar types of people. I think there’s this stubbornness and rigidness that comes with trying to prevent people pleasing and this an anxious attachment. And I remember because I thought about this earlier with one of my coworkers that is also a friend. She is a very soft spoken woman, and I would say pretty anxious, she always lets other people talk over her in meetings and is very sheepish. I noticed that today when she was giving me feedback on my presentation with another coworker, she was being kind of aggressive with it, being very rigid and stubborn and matter of fact with her opinions, and it felt like she was trying to completely shut down an argument, like a dad saying that’s that and finishing a discussion with their son. Immediately afterwards she started apologizing saying sorry if I’m like being really aggressive this is just my opinion and she started to backpedal with that and so I started to think about why she does something like that. And my guess is as someone who is incredibly soft spoken, and this is something that inadvertently gets an advantage of, and I almost feel bad saying taking advantage of because more accurately it’s her not being willing to take up natural space in a conversation. Essentially any of the times when several people try to speak at once, she always yields, and if anyone ever tries to say anything she immediately gives the floor, and I try to make a conscious note of this and make sure that she gets to speak, but I think this honestly runs the risk of being kind of patronizing and I’m grateful that I don’t think it is, she is grateful for it as far as I understand, but I think this is something that absolutely she could benefit from working on. But either way she generally doesn’t get to Voice her opinion as much as a normal person would, and so when it’s time for her to poison opinion that she thinks is meaningful she overcompensate and ends up being incredibly argumentative or rigid and firm with her opinion. And this would work if you were averaging things out, but I don’t think this actually ends up working and rather both situations end up, not giving any fruit and I think without the insight that the answer is not Moore firmness, a natural response is to feel like you need to be even more assertive next time. But I think very much there is a sweet spot. There’s a difference between being a complete pushover and being a dictator there is no real way to have a meaningful two-way conversation or to change someone’s mind more importantly when you were either of those extremes. And so almost counterintuitively for her to have her opinion be hurt more often I think maybe the best thing to do is to be slightly more assertive in the cases where she would generally be a pushover. And instead of over, compensating by being aggressive, stay at this similar oust portion of communication. I think the same sort of needles swinging too far is something that happens with people pleasing. I think when you grow up in a way where you feel like you are responsible or you have to fight for love, you end up with this pressure and this expectation that love is not only conditional, but fairly fickle. If you are not performing at a high level, you will not receive love. And this ends up leading to people pleasing, and I know this because I grew up the exact same way, and I will caveat. I didn’t like the fact that I said I know this because all of this is fully just my opinion and I’m young I’m not clinically trained or anything like that and I’m just being an armchair psychologist to my own journal. I definitely don’t think I have all of the answers and I can be in a spot where I’m prescriptive about what other people should do with their lives. But I think when people pleasing ends up rearing, it’s ugly head and the blister pops, I think this leads to the incredible aggression that comes from feeling like you need to stand your ground and be unwavering as an over compensation to completely bending over backwards for someone else, but I think the real happy medium is somewhere in between to no one surprise. What really needs to happen is more emphasis on boundaries and preventing that self sacrifice and sabotage, and this allows you to not overcompensate and be here compromising and change for a partner in the same way that any kind of compromise affects us. If I say something that hurts someone’s feeling I want to be accountable for that and I want to have enough of a sense of self and morality where I can believe. I’m still a good person and I can make mistakes and I want to be able to address that and make the other person feel heard and understood. I think when I do not have that strong sense of self, it becomes an all or nothing situation, and it’s almost unfathomable that a good person could do something bad. I think I’m grateful for my guilt in terms of at least giving me a strong, moral compass, because I’ve seen a good amount of people online resonate with the whole idea about I want to be a good person. I think there are always situations where I think wow that is a really kind thing that I haven’t considered, and I would like to be more mindful of that or things where I can be a nicer person or a kinder person, but I’ve never really thought about myself as an unkind person. I take a lot of cried in the fact that I have the resilience in hurtful situations to take the high road because if nothing else, I can at least not feel this guilt and shame of doing something that I don’t morally like.