I got out of bed today around 5 PM. I feel like absolute shit, and honestly, I just feel like crying most of the day. Nothing happened. Periods like this remind me of how horrible depression really is. I hear people outside partying and laughing, and I can barely get myself up out of my chair. I’m miserable. I just want to cry but I don’t have the energy to. I don’t have the energy to do anything. This is my hell.
I texted my recruiter this morning, and she called me during my class. I stepped out to answer, and she said she thought it was in my best interest to instead move me to the university grad pool rather than for the junior position, since if I failed that interview then I would have to wait 6 months to apply again. So no more interview, and I’m back in the massive pool of candidates. I’m devastated.
I bought a notebook today, and sat down and learned a lot of Pandas. I didn’t learn everything yet, but theory overload is a real thing and so I’m happy with where I got today. I am committed to putting forth a monumental effort to get ready for this upcoming interview season, and I will do my best to go crazy on it.
Hey me, long time no real talk. I feel like I’ve been stuck in this weird small talk phase with myself on this journal, and I’ve kinda hit the point where I don’t really feel guilty for it anymore. After all, this isn’t meant to be a task or a chore so I’m kinda relieved I don’t feel bad about “neglecting” this. I’ve been pretty stressed recently, and right now I’m getting over that cusp of being suddenly overwhelmed and hopefully in the direction of taking action now. This is a little happy milestone, because I guess I used to have the route of being overwhelmed, and then being suicidal and fighting back urges to off myself. Now at least I feel more in power and in control about it, and I have the hope and motivation to do something about it. I have several interviews lined up, varying from smaller companies to things like Meta and Apple. I’m pretty stressed about the big companies since those are both positions for machine learning. I’ve spent the last 4ish years of my life specializing in machine learning, but I’ve only now had the wakeup call that I’m not even close to prepared for what is expected from me for a machine learning interview. It’s like I’m only now finding out about leetcode. I’m pretty afraid I’m going to be honest, I keep finding myself wanting to sit in my comfort zone of solving leetcode questions, but I know I need to just figure out and learn this machine learning technical details as fast as possible. I pray this work out some way or another.
I had an interview call today with the recruiter for Meta, and it went well. The interviewer told me they were going to try to prepare me as much as possible and give me all they can to help me succeed, so I’m incredibly thankful for that. I also later received an email from apple for an interview for a ML/DS position, and so I’m both anxious and nervous but also incredibly excited and thankful. I am going to try to cram as much as possible for ML interview prep, since I realized my school hasn’t really prepared me for the kinds of questions they would ask me. I will get through this.
Tomorrow I have my first round interview for Meta, and its for a machine learning engineer position. I’m terrified since I don’t know if I’m ready for it, as the bar is miles above just a master’s degree. I’m afraid of having the opportunity for exactly what I am dreaming of, and what if I fuck it up and fail. I’m afraid of resenting myself for not doing enough or not doing as much as I should have. But that fear won’t help me now, will it?
I uninstalled tiktok a bit ago, and now I find myself falling victim to the Instagram reels doomscrolling. Looking back at it now, I realize how much of my time I waste just scrolling mindlessly, doing things I don’t even really want to do. I want to try fully stopping this scrolling pattern, as I’ve mostly replaced it with Reddit now. I’ve somewhat reverted to my prior patterns, but let me try setting a screen time limiter or something of the sort later. I also want to get bigger, or heavier. I’d like to be bigger. And stronger I guess, it feels like a shortcut to strength and that’s what I’d like I think.
I’ll write about this later, but I guess in a weird nova-effect way I’m glad it’s broken. I’m sad it’s $100 wasted due to negligence, but hey I’m glad what happened. I’m happy I’m resilient enough to not get caught up by it either.