I talked a lot with K today, and it seems like she is somewhat struggling with Her journey with mental health, and it seems like she very much has a lot of it under control, but I guess I’m a little bit scared because when I think about my own experience, I very much needed a lot of time and growth from where I started, but I also don’t think that that’s a universal assumption I can make. I will say I am a little bit worried or anxious about us being compatible sexually if I’m being honest, and I worry about potentially a mismatch there.
We decided to go to a waterpark for our first date this Saturday! This heat wave is killer and so I’m super excited for it. I also noticed that I find myself getting more and more enamored with her, and it feels more and more right.
I asked K on a date! In five days from now we are going on our first date. When I sent the text asking her, I was pacing around my house and I was bursting with energy. When I saw that she liked the message from the notification, I screamed even though there’s food in my mouth, and I jumped almost a foot in the air involuntarily. I haven’t felt this anxiety in a good way in a long time. And I’m kind of scared if I’m being honest. I talked with my therapist today about how I don’t feel the super intense spark that comes from super accelerated intimacy, and I know that that’s a good thing and that’s healthy, but it’s kind of scary because this is unknown in a way. It feels like I have been drinking energy drinks my entire life, and this is the first time I’m trying a normal drink. Nothing is wrong with it at all, and the energy drinks constantly are not healthy or good for me, but I don’t feel the same rush. And I guess it’s just kind of scary because I almost don’t know what to look for if that makes sense. She has hit basically all of the realistic criteria I could hope for in a partner, and of course I am planning on going on dates and getting to know her better to be able to more accurately judge that, but I guess it’s scary because it’s unknown in this sense. There’s ambiguity and the brain doesn’t like that. But I do find myself falling more and more for her.
I hosted a pretty big game night tonight, it was 17 people. I also invited K Along with a couple other new people, and I wanted to see what my friends thought about her because we have been talking for a bit. And she was wonderful as always. I feel like a shitty person because other than some very small things she has been absolutely incredible, and she checks every box I could ask for and I felt a lot of guilt because I didn’t feel that super intense rush of instant connection the way I have in the past with unhealthy relationships. I’m constantly stuck in this speculation loop of wondering if this is properly what healthy love or a start of a relationship should look like, and I feel like today was confirmation that it is true. I feel like I have only seen green flags from her, and she is not perfect, but rather like a realistic unicorn if that makes sense. She has all of the attributes and traits that I had on my list it seems like, and I think she is both kind and emotionally mature. She has a wonderful energy around her, and she kind of makes me feel nervous a little bit in the sense of I want to be my best to give her the best impression possible. I’m gonna talk with my therapist about this and I think I want to ask her out.
Wow that title actually seems a lot more depressing than it is, I just finally cleaned up all of the trash from both my table and couch! This has been sitting there for months, and I thought I was kind of screwed because it pretty much filled up my living room and I had no clue how I was gonna dispose of it but I took time cut down all the boxes packaged up the loose material and I was able to fit most of the cardboard into two recycling bins, and I just have extra trash bags to get rid of. I’m proud of myself for doing a task that I thought was insurmountable.
I just played a random extra league game and G was on my team, we called and caught up and talked about where life has taken us. Additionally, I feel like I’m tossing a bit over this one decision – K and I have been talking and she’s wonderful, and pretty much has no real big flaws and seems aligned on the big things for me. I’m still trying to convince myself of reasons why it would not work, or something like that. I guess I just don’t feel that intense firework spark of unhealthy relationships, and I’m worried that this is something good and I don’t want to accept it because I’m used to more rapid intense stuff. Man.
I came home from Chess club where the girl I’m talking to was there and I spent most of the day with her. I played games with friends. I learned Catan, laughed a lot and won even though I was getting bullied with the robber. I have the problem of too many friends that want to come over for my game night, and I don’t even see it as a blessing I’m that desensitized to it. For fucks sake, I am trying to be conservative with the people I invite and there are 18 people that want to come over. I am in the best physical shape of my life, I am surrounded by friends, I am healthy, I have my therapist, Work is going well, Hash is with me, and I am not struggling financially.
And I added to the playlist of songs during which I considered killing myself. And I’m right now laying in bed, trying to cry. I won the board game that I don’t care about winning, I really don’t care about winning games. And I feel like I was ganged up on for being ahead. And it stuck in my mind, I was upset about being ganged up on, and to cope I told myself that I just win, and it sucks that naturally people have to team up against that. And it’s stupid because it doesn’t matter I don’t care about winning a random game. And I wasn’t being excluded. I’m loved and I’m wanted. The girl that I thought was cute, and I was trying to approach is the one that asked me for my number today so that we could keep talking even if she uninstalled the Instagram app. She told me that she kept the app to be able to talk with me. And I’m unhappy. And I listen to these songs that resonate so much about beating soap up and having so much self loathing. And I wanna beat myself up now for being so fucking difficult. Why can’t I just be happy. There’s nothing that should hurt me. And so why does it hurt so much.
There were other things I could write about today, but I just watched a YouTube video about a guy talking about different drugs that he had tried and ranking them in terms of how much they ruined his life. He spoke with such candor and a pure lack of judgment, one that comes from no sense of moral superiority or a pedestal to stand on. It’s kind of weird for me to describe it this way because it’s someone who is talking about all of the extreme drugs that they were addicted to, but I do think that most humans myself included does some extent have some thing or other that they consider themselves as an expert in to some extent. And I think this is the whole patronizing aspect. But just the way that he spoke about it was meaningful. And I guess I want to capture that in my mind a little bit more intentionally.
I think I’ve just come to accept the fact that my standards have raised, at least in the sense that I am not just interested in someone who is interested in me anymore, or at least that doesn’t affect me as much as it did in the past. And I think that’s for the best. This way I’m a little bit more intentional with who I get into a relationship with, and I think a lot of it is because the fact that I would like to marry someone in the coming years ideally, and I feel like I have done enough experimenting and developing to end up where I am, a spot where I feel like I have a good idea of what I want and that what I actually want is good for me.