Ruthless optimism
A And I just got in our cars to go home after talking and doing an anime smash or pass set of presentations for each other. And we were talking about like more heart-to-heart topics at the end and she asked me about If it got tiring. We were talking about something else and we ended up basically both saying how the natural baseline is happiness for her, while I said, the natural baseline is sadness. And we dissected that a little bit more, and we talked about how it is likely due to a lot of brain, chemistry, childhood, upbringing, etc. And she asked me some really nice questions and let me talk about it, and eventually asked me if it got tiring or draining, having to always be so disciplined and diligent with it. And I gave the optimistic answer about how yes it is, but at the same time there are benefits to it like learned optimism, the ability to empathize with other people that have struggled in a way that people who have not cannot really. And I said that you kind of have to make the most of it because what else can you do and everyone is dealt their cards in life. But now that I’m alone, and I have the freedom to express, it does fucking hurt. I am filled with so much envy towards people who can naturally just be happy without having to constantly claw up wall. And I know that this hunger and constant anchor. Has led to so much of the growth and achievements I have had in life, but at the same time what good is that if I am left unhappy and depressed compared to the person with less and that is happier. And this feels like I am talking about consumerism or this never-ending chase for the wrong things in life, and maybe you can argue that to some extent, but it feels like to me I need to do so much more to overcompensate for this constantly moving goal, post of a chemical, lack and imbalance in my mind. And I am so incredibly envious and honestly bitter towards the people that don’t even have to consider their privilege in this aspect, and it feels like one step on the ladder compared to for example, a child in Gaza has such an incredibly difficult life compared to mine for example. And I am not always bitter partially because I’m able to remind myself of the benefits in life, for reference look back to what I said about the intentional optimism, but sometimes a little of this has to be out. How is it that I am chemically doomed to such a strict requirement, regardless of life circumstance. I truly feel that given sufficient time for stabilization, everyone ends up more or less at the same level of misery. I think everyone eventually settles back down to whatever their brain‘s natural baseline is, and mine is low. And I grieved the fact that I have had to overcome this and try as much as I can to compensate through effort and Work. But at the same time it feels like I do not have enough to stand on in this bitterness because if I do this work and I can overcome this issue, instead, I am left with all of the different portions of my life that have been so heavily accelerated due to this turmoil. I can come out of this as someone that is flushed out as a human and developed, someone that is mature, someone that is intelligent, and arguably most importantly someone that is kind. I think when my schema for the world is that fundamentally people are struggling, when we all have less of this vital resource for life, I can recognize the importance of it in others. If one of my friends who is well off and paid very well is shorted 1020 $50, it is fine for words of sympathy and nothing else. But when one of my friends that is incredibly financially, burdened is in a position where they lose something like $20, I think it is more than equitable for me to cover that instead. I think similarly when I have this view of the world where everybody is struggling to stay above this low baseline, it is that much more meaningful and important for me to be kind and to help my fellow person wherever I can. And even if this might not be fully accurate, I would rather air in this direction where I can be a kinder person without it coming out of cost to me. Because whatever cost it is in my eyes, it is worth it for the amount of happiness or relief. I’m able to give someone else. Regardless of if that relief is as important to them, to me it is and so I am happy for this imbalance. I also think with something like a birthday, if I could, I think I would rather grow up, knowing that I am celebrated, and I have a place in other people’s hearts, rather than having to work so hard at unlearning that. But at the same time, even though I’m not really a huge fan of takes, the thought of a offering to make a couple different mini cakes for my birthday is enough for me to want to ugly cry. And I don’t think people understand how much something like this means to me. And it almost feels like I have spent my entire life standing up, and I just got an opportunity to sit down. And it is unfortunate that I was in that situation in the first place, but at the same time it is such a beautiful thing for me to suddenly feel important and like I have a place in this world. I think about the comic of the Bourne dog through the fence talking about how they see everything they’ve ever wanted, and how the second panel says how they will make it mine.