An Open Letter

I received information against my will again today how E did indeed post kind of thirst trap pictures on her Instagram after we had broken up. And just the thought of it hurts, and I think it’s kind of because I feel a little bit possessive still? And it feels like she is so readily trying to give herself to someone else. All part of me also feels like this is directly meant to hurt me, even though I should not have known about it and I don’t think it’s necessarily reasonable to expect that either. I need to remind myself that her world does not revolve around me, and very likely she did that stuff just because she wanted to feel hot, and to get that external validation in some sense. And I can’t blame her at all for that. After a rough breakup, of course you want to feel wanted and attractive. I think I was just an unintentional crossfire in a way.

I think that’s something that kind of consistently happened through the relationship, where I would get hurt not because she tries to hurt me, but because she doesn’t understand how some of her actions or shortcomings end up putting me in very painful situations. And I mean to that point, I don’t think anyone ever really tries to hurt people, it’s just they act in what they think is their best interest. And I think in this case she just isn’t really aware enough about the world to understand a lot of the consequences of her actions. I do feel a renewed sense of peace being single in this way, I don’t need to worry about regulating another person‘s emotions, or trying to get them off of the train tracks as I see the train approaching that they want to ignore. There were a lot of nice moments of course, but there were a lot of moments where I remember feeling like wow I guess this is what love is supposed to be like, and it’s honestly a little bit disappointing. It felt like I was a caretaker a lot, and it felt like I was settling. I think for a relationship to be not as patronizing or rude to the other person, they should be someone where I feel like I was not settling for at all and that I am really lucky. And I think at the end of the day looking at what was brought to the table by both of us, I understand why she felt such volatility and why she had that constant dread and fear about me leaving. All of the questions about why I love her. Wanting to break up with me because she thought I was too good for her. And honestly I think she’s kind of right. I think she doesn’t have that full knowledge about me, and how I am loyal to a fault. I think she was often afraid that I would finally wake up or come to my senses and realize how I deserve better than her, and I would leave her. And I think that terrified her, because she did love me a lot. It’s like you have a duo that is much much better than you at the game, and you just know it’s a matter of time until they just play by themselves or play with someone closer to their rank, and leave you behind. And the worst part is I don’t think I would have. I think I would have wanted to spend my life with her, and I think I would’ve robbed myself of the happy relationship I always wanted. But I also do think from her perspective it must’ve been fucking terrifying constantly feeling like you’re not enough, partially because to be blunt she wasn’t. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, but the fact that we are in such different stages of life, the emotional gap, the intelligence gap, the differences in our social successes, and I think the list just continues. I kept telling myself that this was me suffering from success, but I think in reality this was more just a consequence of me not being strict enough on the filtering portion of dating, and not really understanding what love should look like. If you’ve been treated right, or raised well, you wouldn’t put up with a lot of stuff that feels natural to me. When she would get mad at me for me trying to advocate for myself, or when she minimize my feelings, I didn’t like it, but that is very similar to what my childhood was like. And maybe that’s just what the world is like you know? But how are you supposed to tell a kid that’s been starving their whole life that food is abundant and they won’t have to worry about a meal in the future. That’s such a foreign wish that can’t really be believed, and instead whenever you can get scraps of food, you graciously cling onto it.

In a way I feel cruel for what I did to her. I know that she did a lot of objectively bad things, and it’s not like I did shitty actions towards her, but I unknowingly threw her into the deep end. It’s like if a friend is new to a game and you throw them into a high rank game. She felt a lot of pressure constantly throughout the relationship, and I think those were because of how good of a partner I was. Or at least I would like to think that. Realistically a solid amount it was also because of her own insecurities. But at the end of the day, because there was such a gap in what we were able to provide to each other in terms of support, value, financial benefit, etc. She must have constantly felt like an imposter in a way. Like somehow she had tricked me into loving her and saying all of these right things even though she wasn’t coming close. And I think especially because she was used to bad partners in the past, suddenly having the shock of being the bad partner must have fucking hurt. I also think this might’ve been why she constantly would overexert herself or push herself past the point of what is sustainable to try to make me happy, even though I told her and I asked her not to do that. She would self sacrifice and constantly try to make me happy, often at her own cost. And the problem was when that debt would need to be collected, that was something that both of us paid. And I think all of the benefits that she would give from the self sacrifice would be wiped out by me covering the debts with interest. And I think that would only hurt her more. It’s a really rough cycle, and I almost don’t know what you can do about that if you’re in that situation. This isn’t one of those things where it’s just solely self-destructive, because at the end of the day I really do bring more to the table than she does. And I’m not saying that’s something that can’t change, but I of course financially am much better off, I am physically better off, emotionally I am better off, and these are all things that have taken me time and I’ve had to work on and maybe if I had met her when I was 20 it would’ve been a little bit closer? But she is someone that has a lot of adversity due to her genetic conditions, and is a late bloomer in life. I am very much the opposite, of a very early bloomer. And I kind of think it’s cruel that I engaged in this relationship with her, because no matter how much reassurance I give, there will always be the doubt in her head about how this is not fair and she cannot reciprocate what I give her. And it almost feels like the sword of Damocles, where she never knows when the hammer is going to drop. And it also sucks because she doesn’t have the self-awareness to be able to articulate these things or understand why she’s feeling this pressure. And it’s a really hard thing to work on a problem when you don’t even know what the problem is. And so it sucks because even if I do love her and even if she does love me, I don’t know if this relationship was just building resentment in me. Maybe at some point in the future, and it would’ve been way more painful to both of us, but maybe I would’ve then learned how I do want more from a partner. And how I do want someone that can reciprocate. It would’ve been terrible if I did end up meeting someone as a friend that was available and interested, and also someone who could reciprocate. That would’ve been horrible because it would’ve caused so much conflict with me, because obviously my desire is to be loyal to the person that I love. But it’s almost like you don’t know what you’re missing until you see it. Or maybe even just with enough time I would’ve eventually said that enough was enough and that I was done. And that would’ve fucking killed me if I was her. Imagine if you are so in love with someone so incredibly wonderful that you keep hurting, and the problem is they treat you nicer than you can treat them. You sometimes get angry or say things out of frustration, or don’t fully understand your emotions and speak in poor ways. But they don’t do the same to you, instead they consistently treat you with kindness and patience, things that you can’t really reciprocate because you’re never in that position with them. There’s someone that’s very attractive, they get along very well with your family, they’re incredibly successful and a perfect package and loves you very dearly. But you keep fucking up because you still have those wounds you haven’t worked on. And you keep hurting that person. And on one hand it hurts so badly to see the damage that you do to someone you care about so dearly, but on the other hand there’s the more selfish underlying thought of was this the final straw and have I really fucked it up for good now. And it doesn’t help that there were several moments where I felt like I didn’t know if I could keep taking it. And so that absolutely was a possibility to her. And that’s fucking terrifying. The feeling that this is a train slowly rolling out of control down a hill because you pushed it and you can’t really stop it, but you keep accidentally pushing it and every time you try to stop it it doesn’t really do enough and at some point it’s going to hit. And I think that’s why she needed to go so nuclear with the breakup. I think to her she felt like eventually this was going to catch up with her and it is something where if she is the one to finally take the punishment and end it, at least the constant not knowing is over, because that’s part of the worst portions of the whole thing. And so in a way I’m kind of thankful that it happened, because I don’t know which is a worse outcome. Me never breaking up, or me breaking up much later. I still love her as a person, and I am very thankful for the sheer amount of effort that she put in. But I do think that we are in much different stages of life, and I honestly don’t know how many times I can say that. And the same way that the most well-intentioned intern cannot work themselves into succeeding as a senior developer, she and I have differences that effort and love alone cannot change in a short amount of time. And I think I deserve to be with someone who has done that work and has shown that they are capable of that change and growth, rather than someone who put in blind effort, with no guarantees of where they will end up. Maybe if I was in that same position it would be OK, but I have put in a lot of work, and I also do have a lot of things going for me that have benefited me in a lot of ways. And because of that I think I would like to wait for someone where I feel like they can match me in that sense. I do believe that I am an exceptional person. And I don’t want to come off as vain, but I am very happy with the person that I’ve turned out to be. I think there’s been a lot of difficulty and a lot of growing pains along the way, and I think the end is not in sight either.

But ultimately I think I deserve a love that looks like the kind that I give. I think I deserve someone that listens to the gentle things unsaid, and that puts in all of this additional effort to really see me. I think I deserve someone that is gentle and can accommodate the scars that I have, by validating my feelings and being a safe person to talk to. I absolutely deserve someone that understands and respect my safety as much as their own. The same way that I would be excessively careful regarding her comfort and safety, if that would’ve been reciprocated I wouldn’t have had multiple people come into my house and gang up on me at my lowest. I deserve someone that can help stabilize me at times, the same way that I help stabilize them at times. And I deserve someone that is OK being without me, someone that has their own sense of self that is well developed and one that they love. Someone that can add value to my life and share passion and things of interest. Someone that can match me and challenge me in all of these different beautiful things the world has to offer.

I think waiting doesn’t have to drive you crazy.

Not actually Fuck y’all. I’m just tired and I’m ready to sleep.

One thing that has been kind of swirling around my mind finally solidified into words that I’m happy with. I think that E Absolutely did love me. I think she absolutely cared, and I think she also put in a lot of effort. I also do think that we are in very different stages of life in several different ways, and this is something where even if someone does have good intentions and they do put in effort, there is only a reasonable amount of impact that can have. At the end of the day, because I am at a different stage of life and I am a different person, I have different expectations and emotional needs. The same way that my pug is happy sleeping most of the day and only going on one walk, but a border collie would need more engagement and physical activity, I had different needs than what E did. She may have been fine in a relationship where presence were not super considerate or thought out, and where conflict and arguments are allowed to escalate heavily without the expectation of consciously putting down defensive behaviors. But to me I have come to accept and familiarize myself with these things, and it’s not something that I’m fine without, just because that’s not how I am as a person. Maybe she would have been fine if I did not remember or respect certain boundaries or things that she would mention, but for me I’m not OK with that. More in the sense that it’s something that started to grate on me and really impact me and buildup. And so because we have such fundamental differences there at the current moment, it just isn’t reasonable to expect someone can adjust that much. It’s like if I really wanted a sports car, and I bought a Prius. I could go and custom build a brand new chassis for it, and upgrade the engine, and upgrade the suspension, and upgrade every part of it, but at some point it’s just easier if I instead buy a sports car. There’s no need to try to force a person to be someone that they are not. I think you can absolutely try to help someone grow, and you can have that tolerance because no one will ever perfectly match you in those ways, and people will always of course make mistakes, but at the end of the day her and I are at fundamentally different points in our lives and even if we do love each other and care and are willing to put an effort, the gap is too large. That doesn’t mean that everything had a gap, but there were absolutely several gaps in important areas. And so it is for the best that we break up.

I think the big Takeaway from this is that I can love her, and she can love me, and still this gap can be past the point where it is worth it. This is even regardless of the bad things that she did, and the boundaries that she had crossed. Those only serve to further the decision that this relationship is not the best for me. But even in the absence of that, it is something I think to understand where everyone is going to be at a different point in this huge multidimensional embedding, and there is absolutely different levels of variance to how much love and effort can change things, and that is usually decided by the individual. And even if things are nice, if there are these big huge gaps in things that are core and fundamentally Bedrocks for relationships that are healthy and long lasting, even with adjusting for other things you might end up min maxing a flaw situation. If I’m trying to go support rengar , and it is not working I can of course study and really grind out different ways to optimize it, but if my goal is to win I can just swap two jungle and everything will be so much easier. The sunk cost fallacy is I think a good thing to remember in cases like this, where just because I have gotten ahead of myself and seen different point of progress and really committed to this thing, that doesn’t mean that it is the right decision to make. I do wish her the best, and I really do hope that she finds someone closer to her, and I hope that that person is someone that can maybe help ease some of that pain that comes from growing. And I also hope that I can find someone much closer to me, and I can build something truly wonderful on a firm bedrock.

I woke up because I remembered that I forgot to write today. I got caught off guard by a video of her earlier today, and I deleted it from my files. I ended up going to my car for lunch and crying for the first half of it. I did feel better afterwards, I also did talk to a friend. I think at the end of the day it’s both a mixture of me stopping my abuse of something that was unhealthy but felt really good, and also stepping away from something that was good because there is much better waiting. Additionally this was a firework, in the sense that it was not something that would’ve been sustainable. And so like every firework, it needs to end. I really tried to intellectualize it in a lot of different ways, but at the end of the day it is just grief. We spent a lot of time together, and I would like to think that we made a lot of really nice memories. But at the same time we both were somewhat necessary stepping stones to each each other I think. I think it’s up to us as individuals to decide how many more stepping stones we need, and the way we control that is by learning as much as we can from the experience, and also minimizing the wrong conclusions that we draw. Like for example, part of me felt like oh I should not try to date another gamer. But that’s not true at all, it’s just not something I should necessarily optimize for. I also think that certain things that I felt like we were red flags in her should be things that I should avoid like the plague, like how she played Valorant. But speculation aside, she didn’t do anything bad because of that. I did make a new friend today, and I might be able to get into cosplay! It’s something I think fairly foreign and somewhat unexpected, but it is something that I’ve been wanting to try. I really want to make some costumes, and also I would love if I can engineer some stuff for them. I also got to play games with two really close friends which I always enjoy. It’s weird that I’ve gotten kind of used to this, as opposed to life with E. And I feel so much more stable and rooted, and not like my well-being and life depends so much on someone else that is volatile. I’ve also found myself in a lot of different ways, like I get to be really excited and sing along with things after the gym because I get to push myself hard enough. I get to do stupid things and just do that kind of laugh that I do by myself because of the realization of how fucking weird I am at times. I get to explore different creative projects, and ideas there without I guess filtering my thoughts through someone else. And it’s not like those things are necessarily horrible things either. But it is nice to have this solo time. And that’s not exactly something that I can fault her for, but just rather that I realize we both made this mistake with. And I would like to not make that mistake again in the future, and that way I can have something much more healthy and I wanna see what that love is like.

I had a pretty shitty day today, I didn’t get enough sleep last night and I had a lot of work. I also had to wake up really early for a meeting. I ended up feeling a lot of dread at the prospect of finding community of dealing with potential loneliness, and I had to remind myself that I’m just tired and the world looks worse than it is. A part of me didn’t want to go to the gym, and I didn’t even take my normal pre-workout, and I wanted to skip the heavy exercises because I just did not feel good. So instead I just absolutely pushed my body to its absolute limits, and I was just doing exercises to hurt in the best way. I was going absolutely to failure, and at some point I even almost passed out from getting so lightheaded afterwards. At one point I had an idea of a photo that made me laugh so fucking hard that I finished my set and then made it and sent it to A. When I got home, I bought him slay the spire 2 and we played that for a while and it was actually really fun playing it multiplayer. And I feel good again. Today was also the two week mark after I broke up with E, and I actually forgot to record a video to myself today. What a weird thing, but I actually do feel like it doesn’t hurt that much to think about. I think I filled myself up with so many experiences that it’s felt like so much longer than it has been, and I feel like I’ve really spent a lot of time processing a lot of the feelings.

To be fully honest, the only need that gets left neglected when not in a relationship is sex. Everything else through some extent I can fill through other ways. I also do think that validation is something that I will be missing, and I think maybe it’s a noble goal to pursue feeling like I don’t even need external validation.

I would also like to learn more about the abundance mindset, I’d like to focus more on believing that there are plenty of wonderful women out there that will match my energy, both the chaotic sides, and also the emotionally intelligent sides. I think the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve really liked the idea of having a partner that’s similar to me in terms of intelligence. I think there’s so many nice knock on effects from that, like I think humor is a good signal, I think the ability to change is really nice, the ability to do things at a higher level is also really fun, and it reminds me of something my therapist said in a way. My therapist mentioned how someone who has their life together, it is successful and financially independent, how that’s a strong signal that correlates with emotional intelligence. Mostly just because when you have those basic needs met, you have the room to focus on emotional growth, similar to Maslow‘s hierarchy of needs. And also there’s the massive benefit of dual income which would be fucking fire, because I already make a lot of money on my own. I think if my future partner is also successful, having that level of wealth would be fucking awesome. Like I think that level of wealth really enables stuff like traveling the world, or being able to get a lot of really cool luxury things, like PC stuff, nice furniture, and of course the financial freedom. I already have the house part covered, and so I think if I can find a partner that is in a similar financial situation to me, that would be absolutely financial freedom.

I hosted a lot of friends over today. They came over from 1 all the way till eight or 9 PM. This was the most amount of people I’ve hosted, like around like 12 or 13 at the peak. I’m glad I did it, but my social battery I think is drained. I think there’s also a certain amount of growing pain in finding your community of people and who you feel comfortable with.

I don’t think about her as much anymore. I almost have started to forget her face, but whenever I remember that, I think back to her and I have to stop myself. I also know that I have a lot of photos of her, and honestly I want to go back and look at them. But I don’t do it cause I know it’s smart not to. It’s strange because I don’t even know how much of her I miss, versus if I just miss the holes that she filled. But at the same time I think it’s a little bit of a mixture of both. I really do miss a lot of the connection in the suite moments that we shared, and a lot of the things that we were able to do together. But I think this is a dangerous thing, romanticizing things this soon. I still find that some of the places where it hurt me a lot are still sore. I try not to avoid things that remind me of her, but I don’t really want to see anything about VALORANT or VR chat. It’s weird to have tied myself so closely to someone who gave me so much doubt and anxiety. It’s weird the lack of self-respect/self-love that I had. I think I wanted a relationship so desperately, and I wanted it to work so badly that I kept telling myself that what happened was just a fluke over and over again. But at the same time that doesn’t make it any different, how nice and safe it felt to wake up to her. In the middle of the night waking up, and rolling over and pulling her arm over me, and getting to be hugged and cuddled to bed. Having someone that would lay on me. Feeling her hands pushing on my body in her shitty attempts at massages. It’s hard because she wasn’t a great partner a lot of different ways, but I think she did try. And at the end of the day someone can be good but not good enough. And I guess I just have a higher bar. I think she will have another partner that is maybe a little bit less mentally dominant that can coexist with her a little bit better, and things can be more her speed. And I think she’ll be happy and I think her partner will be very happy with her. She has a very kind heart. Just a bit naïve and with some growing to do. And I kind of feel like I grabbed her along and dragged her at my speed in life, and I think that’s not something she was ready for. We really are at different stages of life. In more ways than one. And I don’t miss having to almost regress myself in several different ways to match a little bit more. And I really like the stability that I have now. But I do mourn the future that I had planned and hoped for. I kept telling myself that people are just young right now, and if you give it a little bit of time people will mature more and grow. And I think that’s true, but at the same time I don’t know what I can even expect.

It’s a weird thing to me, I feel like in a lot of ways I consider myself exceptional, but at the same time I have problems with my self-worth. Sometimes I just wish that I was loved as a child and I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to figure out a concept that I never could believe. Like how could you fucking tell me that someone could just love you no matter what. Like even if you did bad at things, or even if you fucked up or even if you asked for help or a fucking hug sometimes, they would actually give it to you? Like if you told your parent that you were hurting, they would care? What a stupid fucking fantasy that is. And I know that it’s reality for a lot of people, but I just almost want to refuse the fact that it exists. The grapes I cannot taste must be sour. But I fucking just wish I could have been loved, not even for how much nicer it would’ve made the rest of my life, and maybe not making me try to kill myself. But even just for the fact that I could see myself as someone worth loving to myself, and to others. Because I say that I love myself and I think I do, but at the same time when I think of anyone else it’s almost like the only thing I should be loved for is either value, or loyalty from value I’ve already provided. And that fucking hurts to go through life that way.

N Said something that pissed me off in our group chat, and so I messaged L About it and we just kept talking in the conversation shifted and we ended up calling, and we called for like almost 2 hours lol. I’ve been just walking around my downstairs island this whole time, and we talked about deciding on a PhD and how different the world is after college, and how much Stress there was for stuff that really didn’t matter. it was honestly really nice because he was in a very similar situation to what I was in, so I felt like I was able to give some pretty good advice or at least explain how things went for me. And also I guess I kind of realize how things feel good. I’ve spent a lot of time with friends remotely today, and it’s to the point where spending some time alone actually feels like a treat sometimes. I think after the breakup I was very worried about that, because the crushing loneliness absolutely is miserable. But I think if I keep my life filled through all of these different means, yes it’s a little bit less intense and I do miss certain things that you can only really have in a relationship, but my life overall feels richer. I think this is the healthier version for life, and it’s much more stable. And I think once in a while I do have these pangs of missing certain things from a relationship, like sex, or those cringe things you can do as a couple. But at the same time it’s not nearly enough to heavily sit in my mind which is really nice. It’s also nice because I don’t feel like I’m hyper focusing on how to make myself a more desirable partner, but rather just how to fill up a life more for myself. And I think dating is almost shifting in my mind into something where I’m in a position of power, in wanting to find out or understand more about the other person, and if they are someone that I would want to spend my life with. Before I mostly viewed it I think as an interview where I really wanted to be chosen. But I think dating apps and other things really skewed that for me, and I’m very grateful and excited honestly to view things in this lens.

Every passing day gets easier, as I recognize more and more that I had a lot of good memories with her, but at the same time she is not the person that I would want to spend my life with. I think I have both learned that I need to be a lot more picky in love, and also how if I am not happy being a single or happy with my life, I’m so much more susceptible to a bad relationship. To be completely honest, this last relationship happened a big part because I had just moved and I was struggling to make friends and I was struggling with that loneliness. But I absolutely have that dog in me. I can make friends, I can be an extrovert at Will, I can organize events, I can garner people around me to do things, because I’ve put in that effort before and I get to reap the rewards from that. Keep in mind that things are not difficult, they are just unfamiliar.

It’s weird, it’s been 10 days since we’ve broken up but I feel a sense of peace. I don’t hate her at all, and there’s still of course a couple of things that still hurt that I need to just get exposed to, and also to wait for time. Something I’ve had to be conscious enough is not attributing certain attributes about her as bad things, like for example the fact that she played Valorant or would do certain things at the gym, I noticed that sometimes I get the urge to pull away from it, and I tell myself that “Oh in the future I wouldn’t want a partner like that”. But those things aren’t the issue, it’s more things like the lack of accountability, or the feeling of having to drag someone into adulthood. Those are valid things, but the rest aren’t that deep. Either way I’m very excited because tomorrow I’m going to make a complete song with S, and I’m excited to just spend time with him and make something stupid.

I threw away some good stuff, nothing too crazy but some stuff for sure. I have a meeting with my boss in a little bit, but I wanted to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about trying to juggle my work with her outburst or behaviors. There were too many times where my dream job became a conflict with her behaviors, and I suffered a lot for it. I don’t have to worry about that anymore. There was so much volatility and things that were just not at all OK, and I’m so grateful that that’s gone. I need to remind myself that nostalgia only exists because we forget the reasons why we move from that place in the first case. There were so many issues and while I was in the relationship, I didn’t really want to fully be in it in some ways. The only thing I was clutching onto was the hope that things would change, and now that I have my confirmation I am grateful to have the experience, and I’m also grateful to be gone.