An Open Letter

This Halloween, I am doing a group costume for the first time, and I had the idea of doing the biblical sins. I ended up choosing to be lust, and I feel like I find myself victim to the sin fairly often. Today, for example I was supposed to leave work a little bit early so that I would have time at the powerlifting training before a concert with a friend. But I got derailed when I checked Hinge and I found someone who had a very suggestive profile linked with something else. Out of curiosity, I looked at the other thing and since then I have been in this weird limbo of wanting to go to the gym, and also wanting to have sex or do something like that. And especially because I know that I should not do something like that before the gym because it will negatively affect me in several different ways, but because of that I end up kind of just depleting all of my dopamine stores for the day, chasing some kind of relief. And I think about how the commodification of sex through dating apps has gotten so easily accessible, almost similar to how gambling is now with you everywhere at the touch of a finger compared to going to a casino. Instead, I can scroll through a near infinite pool of possible people through several different dating apps, I can message people, and I have the option to go and do any of these things with these people. And because they’re so little friction to it, my brain loves it so much, and I can find myself falling victim to my libido and wasting hours. And I think with as little judgment and shame towards myself as I can, I wonder why I am so lustful. That’s the better way to use honestly, the first thing that came to my mind was horny. And I feel like it is both a mixture of just naturally My biology, but also I do think that I grew up in a pretty over sexualized way due to having to socialize myself online. I think, especially during this formative years that did said a lot of the wiring for me to have this high drive. But another thing I was thinking about was how having a relationship is really nice for several different reasons of course but also just because you end up having access to someone that is available, you are attracted to, you enjoy their company with, you feel safe with, you can trust, etc, and the list goes on. And the thought of how when I am in a relationship, especially with one where sex drives are fairly well matched, I am able to indulge in this lust in arguably one of the healthiest ways as much as I would. And I remember having situations like this a couple times in my life with different people. I remember what it is like to go to the gym with my partner, and then especially with the endorphins and all that both of us being horny and then going home and having sex pretty often. And that is honestly a really nice thing to have, at least in the immediate gratification sense. I think with a lot of things about sex. I feel like it is stigmatized or seen as a negative thing in my mind, like there has always been a little bit of emptiness after masturbation for example, if I’m speaking really candidly, like the feeling that you are tricking your brain and gaming the system, and you don’t really get those happy warm bonding chemicals that make you feel closer to someone. And I think with any sort of casual sex or relationship like that, it is less preferable than a relationship, in a sense that the ideal friends with benefits situation does not compare to the ideal relationship situation. But I also know that comparing ideals is kind of impossible, I guess I feel like I’m a little bit back to wishing that I somehow found this perfect person for me right now. And I understand that that’s not necessarily feasible or realistic, and the same way that I have felt going into every relationship that I have done the sufficient work and I am now ready and I come out again learning that there were more lessons for me to learn, maybe there is still more to go. But at least for now this lust kind of does plague me.

I swear the stuffy nose is going to be the death of me. My throat has been hurting, and it is hard for me to sleep because I can’t really breathe. How much longer do I have to be sick for?

I just saw a video of Nathan Fielder telling a girl that failed an audition for him about how she has the rare ability to have a dream, and go and try for it with the knowledge that she might fail. And he said that is the most important thing, and so I don’t know I guess I just stuck with me.

I played about 10 games or so of overwatch today with T and S, And we only won one of them. But surprisingly, I had a lot of fun, we were even rage beating each other and blaming each other for the losses.

I have been fairly busy and a little bit, overwhelmed with messages recently, and I’ve noticed that Hinge falls very low on my list of priorities, where it takes me about three days or so to respond to a message now and I don’t really want to respond to messages, and I guess it just feels like a weird difference between where I know I’ve been in the past.

Today at the Tiffany day concert there was a guy next to me that Was fine for a while until a song went on where everyone was dancing, and then he just elbowed in front of me and pushed me back, and he essentially got between me, and my group of friends separating me, and he was super rude about it, and when I like pushed him back, he got in my face and things started to escalate, and my friends just told me to swap sides to avoid the situation, and I do feel bad that it escalated at all, because I know that it takes two people to have a conflict like that, but at the same time I feel like otherwise this person is just directly getting to walk over me and Pond off the issue onto other people who had to compromise and I’m not sure what the correct thing to do was. We got there super early to be right at the rail, and this person just shoved me aside and went the route of escalating when confronted. I’m not sure what I should’ve done.

I came back from LA with friends just now. It was me and 4 other girls, and we got food several times, and spent a ton of the day at this Korean sauna. We spent a good amount of time in the nude portions which were gender separated and I had a blast, but then we grouped back up and spent a lot of time in the coed area. We all napped together, traded some massages, yapped and relaxed. And then we drove home and got ready to see eachother again tomorrow for a movie with other friends. And no one was afraid of me, in the way my mother instilled into me. My friends feel safe and comfortable around me, and do not view me as a monster solely due to my gender. I have friends who feel safe with me, want to have sleepovers, and accommodate me. I wish I could go back and tell younger me this, and counter condition sooner this schema I carried forth for so many years.

J just left, we worked out and then tried to cover this song by beebadobie and Laufey, and hoo boy. I will say I am proud we covered the whole thing, even if parts of it I’m not happy with. I am still proud because perfect becomes the enemy of good. We also are waking up early as fuck tomorrow to go to LA with friends and we are cooked. She said this would have been a perfect day to sleepover, and I’m glad to be in this position in life.

A And I just got in our cars to go home after talking and doing an anime smash or pass set of presentations for each other. And we were talking about like more heart-to-heart topics at the end and she asked me about If it got tiring. We were talking about something else and we ended up basically both saying how the natural baseline is happiness for her, while I said, the natural baseline is sadness. And we dissected that a little bit more, and we talked about how it is likely due to a lot of brain, chemistry, childhood, upbringing, etc. And she asked me some really nice questions and let me talk about it, and eventually asked me if it got tiring or draining, having to always be so disciplined and diligent with it. And I gave the optimistic answer about how yes it is, but at the same time there are benefits to it like learned optimism, the ability to empathize with other people that have struggled in a way that people who have not cannot really. And I said that you kind of have to make the most of it because what else can you do and everyone is dealt their cards in life. But now that I’m alone, and I have the freedom to express, it does fucking hurt. I am filled with so much envy towards people who can naturally just be happy without having to constantly claw up wall. And I know that this hunger and constant anchor. Has led to so much of the growth and achievements I have had in life, but at the same time what good is that if I am left unhappy and depressed compared to the person with less and that is happier. And this feels like I am talking about consumerism or this never-ending chase for the wrong things in life, and maybe you can argue that to some extent, but it feels like to me I need to do so much more to overcompensate for this constantly moving goal, post of a chemical, lack and imbalance in my mind. And I am so incredibly envious and honestly bitter towards the people that don’t even have to consider their privilege in this aspect, and it feels like one step on the ladder compared to for example, a child in Gaza has such an incredibly difficult life compared to mine for example. And I am not always bitter partially because I’m able to remind myself of the benefits in life, for reference look back to what I said about the intentional optimism, but sometimes a little of this has to be out. How is it that I am chemically doomed to such a strict requirement, regardless of life circumstance. I truly feel that given sufficient time for stabilization, everyone ends up more or less at the same level of misery. I think everyone eventually settles back down to whatever their brain‘s natural baseline is, and mine is low. And I grieved the fact that I have had to overcome this and try as much as I can to compensate through effort and Work. But at the same time it feels like I do not have enough to stand on in this bitterness because if I do this work and I can overcome this issue, instead, I am left with all of the different portions of my life that have been so heavily accelerated due to this turmoil. I can come out of this as someone that is flushed out as a human and developed, someone that is mature, someone that is intelligent, and arguably most importantly someone that is kind. I think when my schema for the world is that fundamentally people are struggling, when we all have less of this vital resource for life, I can recognize the importance of it in others. If one of my friends who is well off and paid very well is shorted 1020 $50, it is fine for words of sympathy and nothing else. But when one of my friends that is incredibly financially, burdened is in a position where they lose something like $20, I think it is more than equitable for me to cover that instead. I think similarly when I have this view of the world where everybody is struggling to stay above this low baseline, it is that much more meaningful and important for me to be kind and to help my fellow person wherever I can. And even if this might not be fully accurate, I would rather air in this direction where I can be a kinder person without it coming out of cost to me. Because whatever cost it is in my eyes, it is worth it for the amount of happiness or relief. I’m able to give someone else. Regardless of if that relief is as important to them, to me it is and so I am happy for this imbalance. I also think with something like a birthday, if I could, I think I would rather grow up, knowing that I am celebrated, and I have a place in other people’s hearts, rather than having to work so hard at unlearning that. But at the same time, even though I’m not really a huge fan of takes, the thought of a offering to make a couple different mini cakes for my birthday is enough for me to want to ugly cry. And I don’t think people understand how much something like this means to me. And it almost feels like I have spent my entire life standing up, and I just got an opportunity to sit down. And it is unfortunate that I was in that situation in the first place, but at the same time it is such a beautiful thing for me to suddenly feel important and like I have a place in this world. I think about the comic of the Bourne dog through the fence talking about how they see everything they’ve ever wanted, and how the second panel says how they will make it mine.

Today I learned that my best friend of almost a decades, favorite color is olive. And I thought about how interesting it is, how he is my best friend, has been with me for longer than anyone else, and I feel most comfortable with. And yet I know so little about him, and he knows so little about me, it is one of those stereotypical male friendships I guess. But at the same time, it is so incredibly intimate.