Must come down. I feel like after sexual experiences, especially the more intense they are, I end up having strong crashes proportionally. I will say, however, I don’t actually have that adverse of a reaction this time I feel like which is good. But I also feel like a big thing stems from this pattern of over promising, and then the immediate regret and the feeling of having to overcorrect. I think, especially with how cheap talk is and how easy it is to get high off of a fantasy, it leads to this constant writing of checks that I cannot realistically cash. And I need this mostly in the pragmatic sense of it being something I actually feel comfortable with when not under the influence of hormones. I can’t help but feel like there have to be some amount of parallels between this weird consumerism culture of sex. Maybe parallels is the wrong word. But it feels like with the cycle of accelerating, getting high off of a fantasy, and when it comes time to actually consider the costs of that you can simply just move on. In a weird analogy it feels like how you can get into some new hobby or have some new goal or resolution and think about a daydream about reaching that goal, like you could think about how you could lock in on diet and everything and become a bodybuilder, and you already start thinking about how insane you might look in your head or how people might treat you or some of the second order effects and you can really start to reap some of the reward early – especially even more if you tell other people about it. I think about that study about how telling people that your New Year’s resolution releases dopamine in a similar way to actually working towards it, but actually ends up completely unproductive towards the actual goal meaning you are expending your dopamine without gaining any benefit from it. And think about how easy it is to tell people how you are training to run a marathon or that is your plan, but you don’t even sign up for a marathon and you don’t actually figure out a concrete plan of getting to that point. Instead you just. Maybe do a half assed jog or something like that until you say screw this I’ll start next week or whatever other excuse. And you can just continue to delay this while building up this fantasy in your head about what it would look like after you actually do it. And that is so incredibly dangerous I think. But I digress, in this analogy, you do this, milk out all of this loan of dopamine, and then move on to another goal and repeat. You stagnate in life and waste dopamine hacking it like this, but in the case of sex, I think you actively atrophy your emotional pathways and damage. The things required to have a happy relationship instead of doing this to some abstract promise, you were doing this to another human person and I think this should at least come with guilt or shame with those actions, as this is what serves you too do this less I think it becomes very dangerous when you were able to turn off this part of your brain and stop listening to this voice. I think that is what my main underlying fear is. I really do not want to fall victim to this arguable addiction.
Today S, T and I Planned to play the new overwatch drives. We got hard shit on every single game. We changed roles. We changed heroes everything. We ended up like two wins eight losses. S finally called it and got off to go to bed, and then T and I went on an eight game win streak. S wasn’t doing bad at all, it is honestly pure luck and we kept playing with the same people and we had really good synergy, but it’s so fucking funny to me.
I’m worried I’m going to be still sick and recovering this Halloween, but this is the first Halloween with friends :( I am really hoping I can somehow stop coughing by then
I saw someone on reddit today asking for advice on how to get closer to this guy at school. He was a shy guy, and this other person was really friendly to him and extroverted, and they began to become closer and closer, friends, and there were some things like his leg touching for a couple minutes at a time in ways that felt like that had to be intentional, and little sketches or drawings., And honestly, it was incredibly cute. And for some reason, seeing this person talk through their experience really made me feel like I was in their shoes and helped me better empathize with what it must be like to be gay or Lesbian growing up, and to not know if someone could even like you in that sense. And I know that I felt like the kind of people I can get along with are such a small sub set of the population already, but if you were to add on the fact that they would need to be queer? I feel like that would make me almost immediate give up on finding someone like that.
I just had a thought, the same way that I always mention when criticizing men that do not have many female friends growing up, how some men do not recognize that women are humans just like them. And now that I think about it, I feel like the counter point of that is also extremely true. Especially with a lot of the wide stereotypes about men, I wonder how many of those women understand that men are more or less the same as them. I think the only difference is really boil down to how we are raised, everything else is functionally noise.
For my own dignity, I want to say that I was never an E dater, but I definitely did end up in somewhat social circles, especially coming with being good at league And playing on Smurf accounts most of the time. A few of the friends that I made were E daters, and the kind that would constantly jump around with new girlfriends, and I would play with them, and I was always happy to boost people. Ever since I have stopped using TikTok as much I’ve noticed my algorithm is a bit more volatile, and I have somehow ended up on e dater TikTok. Specifically, for some reason people who are mourning losing a past booster, and I see in the comments people sharing similar sentiments. And I see people on both sides of this community. I used to look in on, and I’m really thankful that I’m not there anymore. I feel like I am so detached from that where I almost find it hard to call myself a gamer in the same way anymore. And I’m a little bit grateful for that.
This cold has been around for a while and yesterday was nightmare, slowly miserable, but it seems like after doing basically nothing today because it hurts so much to even stand up, it seems like I’m slowly starting to feel a little bit better. I just really hope everything smoothens out soon enough.
Lots of pain, throat hurts so much to do anything. Afraid to swallow. Mom today talked for first time in years, and refused to apologize and said to let things go. Fuck off.
This Halloween, I am doing a group costume for the first time, and I had the idea of doing the biblical sins. I ended up choosing to be lust, and I feel like I find myself victim to the sin fairly often. Today, for example I was supposed to leave work a little bit early so that I would have time at the powerlifting training before a concert with a friend. But I got derailed when I checked Hinge and I found someone who had a very suggestive profile linked with something else. Out of curiosity, I looked at the other thing and since then I have been in this weird limbo of wanting to go to the gym, and also wanting to have sex or do something like that. And especially because I know that I should not do something like that before the gym because it will negatively affect me in several different ways, but because of that I end up kind of just depleting all of my dopamine stores for the day, chasing some kind of relief. And I think about how the commodification of sex through dating apps has gotten so easily accessible, almost similar to how gambling is now with you everywhere at the touch of a finger compared to going to a casino. Instead, I can scroll through a near infinite pool of possible people through several different dating apps, I can message people, and I have the option to go and do any of these things with these people. And because they’re so little friction to it, my brain loves it so much, and I can find myself falling victim to my libido and wasting hours. And I think with as little judgment and shame towards myself as I can, I wonder why I am so lustful. That’s the better way to use honestly, the first thing that came to my mind was horny. And I feel like it is both a mixture of just naturally My biology, but also I do think that I grew up in a pretty over sexualized way due to having to socialize myself online. I think, especially during this formative years that did said a lot of the wiring for me to have this high drive. But another thing I was thinking about was how having a relationship is really nice for several different reasons of course but also just because you end up having access to someone that is available, you are attracted to, you enjoy their company with, you feel safe with, you can trust, etc, and the list goes on. And the thought of how when I am in a relationship, especially with one where sex drives are fairly well matched, I am able to indulge in this lust in arguably one of the healthiest ways as much as I would. And I remember having situations like this a couple times in my life with different people. I remember what it is like to go to the gym with my partner, and then especially with the endorphins and all that both of us being horny and then going home and having sex pretty often. And that is honestly a really nice thing to have, at least in the immediate gratification sense. I think with a lot of things about sex. I feel like it is stigmatized or seen as a negative thing in my mind, like there has always been a little bit of emptiness after masturbation for example, if I’m speaking really candidly, like the feeling that you are tricking your brain and gaming the system, and you don’t really get those happy warm bonding chemicals that make you feel closer to someone. And I think with any sort of casual sex or relationship like that, it is less preferable than a relationship, in a sense that the ideal friends with benefits situation does not compare to the ideal relationship situation. But I also know that comparing ideals is kind of impossible, I guess I feel like I’m a little bit back to wishing that I somehow found this perfect person for me right now. And I understand that that’s not necessarily feasible or realistic, and the same way that I have felt going into every relationship that I have done the sufficient work and I am now ready and I come out again learning that there were more lessons for me to learn, maybe there is still more to go. But at least for now this lust kind of does plague me.
I swear the stuffy nose is going to be the death of me. My throat has been hurting, and it is hard for me to sleep because I can’t really breathe. How much longer do I have to be sick for?
I just saw a video of Nathan Fielder telling a girl that failed an audition for him about how she has the rare ability to have a dream, and go and try for it with the knowledge that she might fail. And he said that is the most important thing, and so I don’t know I guess I just stuck with me.