It’s been a while since I’ve written something of substance I feel like so I guess today is that day. I feel like I’m more and more coming towards the conclusion that I am not really interested in K In the way that I would hope I would be for a partner and I know that my brain can be irrational and I’m kind of feeling a little bit low right now and so I’m not rushing to anything and I’m waiting for my therapy session to talk friends and such, but I feel like she hasn’t even done anything to egregiously wrong, but there’s just enough things that I realize it isn’t really what I’m looking for. I really dislike the fact that I just am not attracted to her in the way that I thought I was if I’m being honest. We went to the waterpark for our first day and I just didn’t really find myself attracted to her. I also thought she was a more confident person on first impression and more extroverted, but as I got to know her a little bit more, I recognize from the things that she said how she does still struggle with insecurities, and generally isn’t that extroverted or social. And I recognize that in my mind it more drifts towards Oh. I can fix that rather than it be something where I feel like wow that’s like admirable and I would like to be more like that. I also feel like she heavily depends on the friend group that she has, and that’s kind of it. She’s also pretty introverted according to her and doesn’t feel like that up with the kind of person that is best for me. I also feel like she is trying hard to get me to like her, which is nice, but at the same time it feels like it’s almost like she feels like I’m out of her league. And I kind of feel that way in someway. And I feel like myself I am settling for someone that is a really bad sign, enough for me to seriously reconsider everything. Especially this early on. I know that I’m also just not really feeling good so everything would be great, but I find myself almost avoiding her texts or dreading them. I find myself thinking about Moore and More how I can reject her or let her down easily with the minimal amount of pain to her. And I find more and more reasons to call it off rather than to continue. I think I will go on a second date, but I really don’t know if I see this as a relationship.
It sucks both because I feel bad for her, because I think she is really cool and personality wise. I think we get along pretty well, but I just can’t help myself from not really feeling attracted to her or being interested in her in that way. And I wish I could, but at the same time I still feel like I’m settling, and I feel like it would be one of those things where I would feel like I am punching down in someway. I just feel like if I have the option to swap lives with her I would never make that choice. And I feel like the fact that I don’t even consider that for a second makes me concerned. And I feel like a shitty person, even though I know that I’m kind of writing this to no one, but it really does feel like I am out of her league. I hate how much I’m stating that, but I guess it’s because I feel like I haven’t yet found the words to convey it in a way that I feel happy with. And I feel really vain and shallow, but I just don’t find myself interested in her, and it feels more like she is someone who wouldn’t really have a separate life aside for me that I would find fascinating. I feel like she meets a lot of the criteria for some of the basics I’m looking for, like kindness, a level of independence, and humor to some extent. But when I think about someone coming along in the future, that really does line up with a lot of the things that I want rather than the necessities, I feel like I would want to be with them rather than my existing partner if I decided to date K. And that is fucked up and not the kind of situation I would want to be in, and the fact that I don’t feel like K is that person to begin with is enough of an indication that I should listen to that. I still want to at least go in a second date and talk with my therapist, of course, but I feel like I’m more and more making up my mind.
I’m really tired and so short post, but we had Our first date today! All Things considered it ended up being eight hours, and I’m not like super overjoyed with myself for it being that long because I really wanted to be intentional with not confusing, intimacy with intensity, and we did talk a little bit about trauma dumping topics, which is also not great but we talked about a lot of other stuff and so I’m really happy with how the date went. I also find myself pacing things a little bit better at least than it happened in the past so I am happy with that. And I really do. Think she’s a cool person and I find her funny and easy to talk to. There are a lot of things that are green flags, and a couple beige ones. Here’s to hoping.
I need to go to sleep so that I can be properly rested for my date tomorrow, but I guess I just wanted to mention how I was talking with J And I mentioned how if I wanted to be like unreasonable and say if she wanted to she would, there was a specific thing she could offer to do, but that was like a joke because I thought it was way too unreasonable to expect that out of someone, and when I looked at my text messages she had offered that. In the grand scheme of things it’s not like anything mind-boggling, I guess, but very much made me feel. Like I was valued and respected, and that she kind of reciprocated effort which matters so much to me. We also talked about some things about trust and how much our word means to us, and we’re both aligned there. I’m really optimistic. But at the same time, if it doesn’t work, I will live and I want to remind myself of that because I want to actively choose this person not just feel like I need a relationship and so I will take it.
We were texting and I found out that she was high. The first day I met her, and that that’s something that she does pretty often. It’s not the end of the world, and I had an ex that was a huge stoner. But that’s not really something that I would like you know? And so it kind of does suck but at the same time, everyone has their vices, and so I cannot be too upset or anything like that. I also kind of noticed I’m waiting for her messages and I’m texting her a lot, especially during work, which maybe isn’t great, and I think it’s pretty obvious it really isn’t great. We have our first date in two days and I should not be talking with her this frequently. Additionally, I kind of noticed that I felt lonely today because I didn’t go to the normal social events that I do and I instead played games with my friends, which is not the worst, but overall I guess I was just a little bit socially less saturated than normal, and so I want to make sure that I’m not slipping up and leaving myself into a situation where it might become codependent again.
I talked a lot with K today, and it seems like she is somewhat struggling with Her journey with mental health, and it seems like she very much has a lot of it under control, but I guess I’m a little bit scared because when I think about my own experience, I very much needed a lot of time and growth from where I started, but I also don’t think that that’s a universal assumption I can make. I will say I am a little bit worried or anxious about us being compatible sexually if I’m being honest, and I worry about potentially a mismatch there.
We decided to go to a waterpark for our first date this Saturday! This heat wave is killer and so I’m super excited for it. I also noticed that I find myself getting more and more enamored with her, and it feels more and more right.
I asked K on a date! In five days from now we are going on our first date. When I sent the text asking her, I was pacing around my house and I was bursting with energy. When I saw that she liked the message from the notification, I screamed even though there’s food in my mouth, and I jumped almost a foot in the air involuntarily. I haven’t felt this anxiety in a good way in a long time. And I’m kind of scared if I’m being honest. I talked with my therapist today about how I don’t feel the super intense spark that comes from super accelerated intimacy, and I know that that’s a good thing and that’s healthy, but it’s kind of scary because this is unknown in a way. It feels like I have been drinking energy drinks my entire life, and this is the first time I’m trying a normal drink. Nothing is wrong with it at all, and the energy drinks constantly are not healthy or good for me, but I don’t feel the same rush. And I guess it’s just kind of scary because I almost don’t know what to look for if that makes sense. She has hit basically all of the realistic criteria I could hope for in a partner, and of course I am planning on going on dates and getting to know her better to be able to more accurately judge that, but I guess it’s scary because it’s unknown in this sense. There’s ambiguity and the brain doesn’t like that. But I do find myself falling more and more for her.
I hosted a pretty big game night tonight, it was 17 people. I also invited K Along with a couple other new people, and I wanted to see what my friends thought about her because we have been talking for a bit. And she was wonderful as always. I feel like a shitty person because other than some very small things she has been absolutely incredible, and she checks every box I could ask for and I felt a lot of guilt because I didn’t feel that super intense rush of instant connection the way I have in the past with unhealthy relationships. I’m constantly stuck in this speculation loop of wondering if this is properly what healthy love or a start of a relationship should look like, and I feel like today was confirmation that it is true. I feel like I have only seen green flags from her, and she is not perfect, but rather like a realistic unicorn if that makes sense. She has all of the attributes and traits that I had on my list it seems like, and I think she is both kind and emotionally mature. She has a wonderful energy around her, and she kind of makes me feel nervous a little bit in the sense of I want to be my best to give her the best impression possible. I’m gonna talk with my therapist about this and I think I want to ask her out.
Wow that title actually seems a lot more depressing than it is, I just finally cleaned up all of the trash from both my table and couch! This has been sitting there for months, and I thought I was kind of screwed because it pretty much filled up my living room and I had no clue how I was gonna dispose of it but I took time cut down all the boxes packaged up the loose material and I was able to fit most of the cardboard into two recycling bins, and I just have extra trash bags to get rid of. I’m proud of myself for doing a task that I thought was insurmountable.
I just played a random extra league game and G was on my team, we called and caught up and talked about where life has taken us. Additionally, I feel like I’m tossing a bit over this one decision – K and I have been talking and she’s wonderful, and pretty much has no real big flaws and seems aligned on the big things for me. I’m still trying to convince myself of reasons why it would not work, or something like that. I guess I just don’t feel that intense firework spark of unhealthy relationships, and I’m worried that this is something good and I don’t want to accept it because I’m used to more rapid intense stuff. Man.