Today I just decided fuck it. I’m going to go for a one rep Max on bench press, because I right now I am not doing a program and I am trying to find a coach. I got 295 On bench, and I honestly didn’t feel anything because I honestly expected myself to have a lot more in me. It has been like six months since my last bench press PR and I have been doing powerlifting training, and I know that I haven’t been working at lower weights, but it kind of does hurt to feel like I was only able to get 10 more pounds. Especially because I gave it three more minutes and then I tried with 300 pounds, and that did not get a foot off my chest. I also know that I am kind of sick, I did not really get much sleep last night, and I also did not eat a ton of food ahead of time. And I also did not take much for rest. But I really want to be strong. I don’t know the last time I really had a dream for something, but a little part of me thinks how cool it would be to have a team USA singlet. Actually being competitive in something again and being cool like that. But it’s kind of hard when it feels like I have been working at this and maybe not going out at the right way, but it feels like I’m not really getting stronger and maybe at some point there is a genetic limit. And I know that I can get way stronger, but maybe I just am not able To be a team USA powerlifters. And I don’t really want to think about me not being able to do something, because I really want to believe that if I put my mind to something I can get it. But that’s what makes me so afraid to have this dream, because when I don’t give my word to it, it’s like confirmation that I really do not believe in myself in that sense.
Today a couple other friends bailed on our plans to go to this one Chinese buffet that was having a deal, so instead it was just me and E. We decided to go get all you can eat sushi because the line was long to the other place and we ended up fucking devouring a shit ton. And I actually really enjoyed getting to hang out with her one on one. And then afterwards I came home and I played games with friends and had a wonderful time, we watched a MrBeast video and we went on so many different tangents. I left so hard my abs started cramping. And maybe that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day.
I was reading the Horror book incidents around the house, and I found the thing that honestly hurt me. The most was the mother‘s negligence and how she treated the daughter. It reminded me a lot of of my childhood and my issues with my mom. And I think about how I haven’t spoken with her in over two years because she told me that she should not be in my life in one of her moods. And I think about how her stubbornness is more important to her.
Today was my first day of taking 30 mg of Adderall, prescribed, of course. And I was able to focus and get work done! And this reminds me of when I first started taking Adderall and that kind of scares me because it feels like my tolerance has been growing.
I had my squat primary day today and it hurts so bad during back offs. I couldn’t finish a set and then I fully stopped. I continued the rest of the program and it got so bad where it was agony even just to exist sitting down. I am honestly really disappointed because the whole reason I got a Coach was to work on this issue and have it go away, but my coach hasn’t really done anything other than saying that we’ll have to watch and see, and hasn’t changed my program at all. I feel like my program is just a cookie cutter paste that isn’t getting customized at all which I really don’t like.
Just came back from the concert, and honestly, I feel like I don’t have much to say right now compared to the notion of getting sleep. I did talk with someone today about living life in moderation and I realized that I feel like I really have achieved that goal in a lot of ways and I’m very proud of that.
Today was a haunted trail and I brought his friend A, And the first thing he immediately said to me, even though we were in the dark was holy shit you are Jacked, you are like a mountain. He also later made jokes about my protein intake, and didn’t believe it when I said I low-key don’t eat nearly enough. It’s kind of weird that I’ve gone to the point where I am annoyed and sick with my own dysmorphia with how frequently I am saying it and how commonly I am getting this positive feedback.
Additionally, while driving back, I did the bit of saying we should all go in a circle and give people compliments one at a time, with the intention of the bit being after everyone gives me a compliment I say something along the lines of this is boring or let’s do something different and just blatantly Fish for compliments. However, the issue is G started to genuinely give me compliments, and I came clean about the bit,, but they refused to stop and so we spent the entire ride back all taking turns giving one person at a time compliments. And I didn’t at all know how to react, and it was honestly super straining, but also not bad. But I do realize that I really am loved, and I take up a lot of space in my friends minds. If I was to no longer exist, there would be a huge hole in their hearts, not just because of the value I provide, but because of the person I am to them.
It is a strange thing for me to feel desirable in this sense. I find myself in situations where I am caught off guard by someone finding me attractive or something along those lines, and them treating me better than I have been treated in the past. And I think it’s a weird thing for me to reflect on.
My understanding is that humans having sex without the intention of reproducing tricks, the brain and exploits our wiring. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But I can’t help but see the parallels on how I had casual sex today, and afterwards when I was cuddling with them, I found myself thinking about imagining they were someone I was in a relationship with. Like it was someone different than them. This feels like how I would hug a pillow and sometimes think about hugging my future partner. Except this is a real person, and I just had sex with them. It feels like I’m trying to hack the oxytocin from my brain. But it also feels like I am deceiving this person, and maybe this is just the weird game everyone plays.
I just saw leap for the second time! It is pretty late and responsible thing for me to do Is go to bed now so I will. But I feel like I am stabilized again and that everything is going to be ok. I’m very grateful for that.