Better
We talked and things went better than I could have hoped for.
A digital journal
We talked and things went better than I could have hoped for.
I didn't actually scream at anything, but more just internally. I talked a little bit with E just now and honestly I'm disappointed with just how the phone call went because she was emotionally numb and also pretty honestly defensive/ aggressive. It did seem like she softened a little bit out when we talked a little bit more but again it feels like I have to carry the emotional burden of regulation. It just doesn't necessarily feel like she has the emotional ability to be not shut down. And honestly it's just really frustrating at the end of the day. It's this feeling of having to almost emotionally parent this situation and I think maybe this is something to keep in mind. I understand it's late but I don't know. It just doesn't necessarily feel like a strong sign of emotional maturity to have this time apart. Instead of trying to fully process things it's more just kind of stewing on what it feels like her frustrations are. I know that there is an intelligence gap in our relationship, this is something that she has said and she acknowledges fully. I guess I just hope it doesn't end up showing itself in emotional situations also. I think there is a big difference in emotional maturity there, in the way that certain actions are perceived, and having that maturity to understand how different situations should be handled properly. I feel like instead of trying to have a productive conversation, it's more of a therapy session almost, in the sense that she needs to be validated. It's not like a thing where she acknowledges that I also have needs and that sense of mutualism. Okay.
We just texted, and I’m not gonna lie I’m a little bit worried because of the tone that she has. She’s using a lot of punctuation and not really being super lighthearted or friendly I guess, but I’m not gonna try to read into it. No matter what happens I know that I’ll be OK. I can hope for the best but at the same time I know that I will be OK even in the worst case.
Shorter post because I’m really tired and it’s kind of late. I spent a lot of time today interacting with friends. I did things like:
- playing games
- talked to someone while getting boba
- then also just called a friend later in the afternoon (near night)
It's nice to be able to do that and stuff like that and I'm hoping that I can continue to do that a little bit more consistently.
I also made a new friend and we made plans to work out on Thursdays, I think, for now, which is nice. Also with some co-workers we were talking about, “Oh I think we're going to go rock climbing soon and kind of do that.”
I very much kicked it into overdrive socializing, which is a good thing, and I don't know. I guess I just really hope that things work out.
I understand a lot of the reasons why it’s not a good idea to be always spending time with your partner, but I think it’s something it’s kind of difficult to shake because I want to spend time with my friend, and since we share so much in common there’s not many reasons for me to not want to do that with them. I understand it’s healthier however to spend time with other people and have a richer life, but a lot of that feels like I was driven by punishment not necessarily driven by motivation. So what I decided was that I wanted to figure out a positive reason for spending time apart, and enriching my life. I’m the kind of idiot who really likes studies, and so I was watching a video on love and some studies on that. One of the things I took away was a lot of love is based on rate of intimacy changes. It’s important to keep growing that intimacy, especially during the first stages of the relationship. I think there’s something to do with a limit of how much intimacy you expect and how you want to have that career be something a little bit more gradual rather than an instant burst and then a sharp stop. But I think intimacy comes from learning new information about someone, and it’s really hard to do that if you do not have new information. If I spend all of my time with my partner, then I don’t have much individual growth and it’s a growth as a group instead. While there’s a place for that, it’s arguably more important to have individual growth. I know this is a weaker reason than the argument against codependency, which is the fact that you cannot fully rely on one person for your needs. But I think this is at least a positive instance of reasoning for being OK not spending all of your time with your partner.
I think it would be best if E was not a huge portion of my life, but rather something that accents it. I think it would be good for me to still have some surprises, some stories or experiences that she does not directly share or know about, not for nefarious reasons but rather for almost a sense of mystery and having something more than what she currently knows. This way I have something that I can share with her in the future, rather than suddenly hitting the brakes on learning so much about someone.
What I’ve noticed is the part that kind of scares me the most about a breakup in a way is the part that makes it an unhealthy relationship. Today I spent time with some friends, but after that I kind of got really tired and friends got off and so I just wanted to do nothing almost. And the issue is that do nothing means I wanted to spend time with E. Just having her around and being able to spend that passive time together is so nice. Like she’s there and so I don’t even have to worry about boredom or loneliness or just that mind this kind of doom scrolling. I always have something to do when she’s there, and I always have someone to do it with. And I think that is a problem. I think that becomes a problem because I basically always have a source of escapism, and because of that I never actually have to enrich my life and face that discomfort necessary for change. If I could take a pill that removed all discomfort from my life, I would never have any good experiences, or any kind of ambition, drive, or motivation really. And I think that you can argue that maybe a goal in life is to eliminate discomfort, but at the same time I would argue that life is much more meaningful and enriched and actually enjoyed, not just a punishment you can minimize.
And so I guess it’s kind of hard, when I want to just reach out and text her. I think part of the reason why this isn’t affecting me too too heavily it’s because I think it’s temporary, in the sense that this weekend I will be able to interact with her again hopefully. But also I guess what’s the difference then, between this and just the understanding that I will have some sort of social interaction and enrichment soon? Like even if I have to make all new friends, and I have to get past that initial period of both exploration and also hoping that their people I really enjoyed the company of, doesn’t that mean that the discomfort will be temporary?
I think it’s one of those things where a relationship is something that I really hope for in life, but I think it’s one of those things where to be able to use it I need to be able to prove that I don’t need it. And I think that’s something I’m kind of struggling with right now if I’m being honest, meaning there’s significant room for improvement. I know that I will be able to find another relationship, and I also know that I don’t need a partner to satisfy every single niche for them to be a good partner. But I do think that no matter what I would still fall victim to the trap of wanting to move too fast with someone as the shortest path out of loneliness. I do still really care about E, and I know that we do have issues and at the end of the day if things do not work out I’ll be OK. But at the same time I do want to make sure that my love for her is one that sustainable so that if we get this opportunity together I can do my best to make sure it’s good for both of us.
So today I talked with my sister for the first time in years, and it was pretty weird but good I think. I got a lot of good advice, and I guess I realized I do have a big problem with moving too fast in a relationship. This comes up because of the situation with E, and I’m realizing how I’m actually fairly unhealthy in this situation. I spend a LOT of time with her, and to me the problem is that it's actually a good thing. Or I guess more like I feel like that is a good thing. It sucks I think part of the problem is she is the one coming to my place a lot and she's the one spending time there and it makes it really easy for me, but I think it does really mess with her, especially with her routine and stuff like that. I know I talked with some of my friends About how they kinda felt in similar situations, and it's this sentiment of feeling like you lose your sense of individuality or who you are. Like if you think about it she's sending all of this time over at my place, and because of that she isn't able to spend time with her friends or doing other things at home for example. It sucks because I also realize in a really stupid way that having a girlfriend like her is wonderful in the sense it's like a Tryndamere ult. I'm able to not die or really recognize any feelings of loneliness or any other shortcomings in my own social life, because I always have around which is really nice. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do on a weekend, or if I'm going to have someone I can play games with because she's wonderful and available and the problem is basically a lot of my niches are getting satisfied just by her. It sucks because it's really fun to do that I guess for lack of a better word. Like the way that I kinda see it is you always have someone that is accessible that you are incredibly comfortable with and that you really enjoy the presence of, so it's like you have consistently high quality interaction except the problem Because you have that abundantly available you never try to foster or nurture other connections and I think it leads to this sense of dependency. It's really hard because I don't really like the idea almost of fixing that if that makes sense. Because what I have to do is step away from her you know? Like I need to choose to invest in other people and spend time, while I know that she is available and I would love to spend time with her. And it's pretty hard and scary because how am I supposed to go and try some random hobby in some new place around people that I haven't met before especially because I feel kind of antisocial if I'm being honest. Like I guess I have this feeling that most people that I meet I would not actually get along with as a friend especially in the same way that I get along with E. Like with her I'm able to make really stupid analogies that she gets, or I can be very weird and I'm also like not worried about being misinterpreted or like I guess being high energy and things like that like she really matches my vibe. And it doesn't feel draining at all to be around her And I feel like that's kind of the crux of it in a way. She consistently replenishes my energy while trying to socialize especially at first drains it pretty quick.
I watched a video on this and I find myself wanting to deal with this anxiety by rushing into this which I understand is a problem. Like I want to interact with her and talk with her because I want to basically show that hey look the problem that you voiced and mentioned I now see and I do want to address it. And I guess I'm kind of afraid of the stability of our relationship in a way, because us taking this break for a week gives us time to think. I know my sister's advice originally was to break up and I think other people have mentioned similar things, and I don't want to if I'm being honest. I do want to continue to date and grow with her, because I really like her in a lot of different ways, and she makes me feel safe, you know? And I guess I'm kind of afraid the fact that maybe after a week after having this time to think and especially when I'm not directly there influencing her by being in her arms maybe she doesn't want to be in that relationship. I think it's naive if I don't acknowledge the fact that there are probably other things absolutely that we haven't talked about yet that probably are serious things to her you know? Like the same way how I didn't really think or consider about the fact that we were going too fast for both of us until she mentioned that it was too fast for her. And so I'm kind of afraid if I'm being fully honest about the fact that maybe she does decide that after a week she doesn't want to be in this relationship. I'm also afraid in a way that feels weird now that I say it but because she has her therapy appointment on Friday. I guess it's because I've been getting a lot of advice to break up and it feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle and I kind of am afraid of her going to therapy and her therapist saying stuff about how they should break up. But I think also part of this is my anxiety for sure. I think if nothing else I need to remind myself of the fact that ultimately it's not a relationship where I have to influence or convince them to want to be with me or work things out, It's not healthy if she only wants to be with me while I'm right there in her arms and able to sway her like that. It's weird because if I think about her breaking up with me it's incredibly painful, but at the same time if I think about me breaking up with her it's one of those things where it's like OK it's my decision i'm kinda fine with it. And obviously I don't want to break up with her right now and I don't have any plans to. But I guess it's this idea that it's something in my control in a way Makes it feel so much better. Like safer I guess. I wonder if this is part of the pattern of crash outs, like how M was telling me.
I think the thing I'm kind of scared about is if the advice that I get that I have to follow it feels like is something like not interacting more than twice a week. It's kind of hard to go to that from you know seeing them five times a week and those interactions being the entire day. Like I really like her sleeping over, and I really like spending the entire day together. And I guess the idea of only seeing her for two or three hours on a weekend feels like I'm suffocating in a way. And I guess that's kind of a sign that something is wrong. But I already know that. The hard part is actually changing that. Honestly I feel like the idea of not seeing her on a weekend day is less painful than the idea of seeing her for only like two hours. And I hope that it's one of those things that as time goes on it's OK to spend that much time together, but I guess it's one of those things that you almost have to earn if that makes sense. You have to do the due diligence and take things slow. Otherwise things burn out and become unsustainable and eventually breaks.
It’s almost 5 in the morning and I’m about to pass out, but we met up and I gave her her stuff, and we talked a little bit and we both didn’t want to end things, but we talked about things very civilly. We agreed to talk in a week and take some space until then, and a big thing was we became codependent and started losing individuality.
We just texted, and I think I’m emotionally drained.
She won’t tell me explicitly what I did wrong, and tells me that she needs to rip into me and hold nothing back saying all the stuff for months that’s been hurting her. She says that I say cruel things and don’t change, but it is shitty because the things I heard her briefly mention yesterday were things verbal and that to me I stopped saying after she told me to, and she actually said right after saying it’s not ok to say that. So I can’t prove that I did listen. And on top of it, it feels like I can’t even try to convince her that some of the stuff she’s saying isn’t accurate, or that it is a miscommunication. It feels like for us to have a chance of reconciling, I need to just be the punching bag.
Throughout the relationship I tried to always proactively tell her that I want to listen or be there for her. She even admit how she has a problem bottling things up, and because of that these explosions keep happening. What the fuck can I do about that. I try to ask her, I listen patiently, even when she blows up I suck it up and listen. I think our conflict resolution or communication actually does need a lot of work. It doesn’t help that we’re both sensitive people. I think couples therapy would be a very important thing.
I just spent the last 2 hours getting ripped into over text and constantly apologizing, and I’m boomeranging. It hurts to think about how my asks and needs were ignored in conflicts, and I try my best to keep open communication. I can’t do much if she refuses to communicate.
I honestly think it’s so fucking unfair for her to want to just one-sided beat the fuck out of me verbally. It’s so fucked up that she broke up with me out of nowhere during my work, and she also ambushed me with her roommates. They ganged up on me, and while I’m begging them to stop for a second because I’m going to break down crying before an important meeting, they don’t give a shit. They laugh at me and mock me, and call me a piece of shit. That’s such a shitty thing to do, especially when I’ve tried my best to listen to her and be receptive. If she feels that way, she should have brought it up sooner instead of letting it fester this much and then taking it out on me.
A part of me wants to say that if she is this cruel and unreasonable, this isn’t at all fair to me. Even if she is compatible with me in so many of these other ways, this is honestly a dealbreaker if this is how she handles conflict. I’ve asked and patiently listened to her when I can, and yesterday we got into conflict because she pushed and asked after I asked for space. This isn’t at all fair to me. I don’t get how she can go from constantly feeling like a shitty partner and how I’m out of her league, to doing this.
It’s so desperately frustrating to feel like I have to beg and grovel and take this level of abuse. I don’t think this is fair at all. I kinda feel even less like I have a voice, because right now she’s like an emotional terrorist where I feel like I cannot say anything bad or ultimatum goes through. I’ve told her that this was a bridge that can’t really be walked back, and she still did it in such a violent way. Even her mom thought it was excessive.
I know that there are a lot of things about her that I love. I know there are a lot of things about me that are also very desirable in a partner. For fucks sake, she would talk about how it feels like I’m out of her league. I can’t help but feel like those feelings have boomeranged to this point, where she now has to make me the scapegoat and equalize all of the shitty feelings. It’s fucked because I feel like I get punished for things that aren’t my fault, or not reasonable. Whenever she has asked me something, I’ve listened. Similarly, when I’ve asked certain things of her she hasn’t followed them. I just don’t want this double standard.
I love playing Wordle with you every day. I think it’s really cute how I sometimes get stuck and I look at your words because I know that you’ll use steak probably.
I love that I get to feel smart and teach you little things here and there, you’re a really good student and an even better listener.
I really love the fact that you let me lecture at you, like in the shower. I know that you’re tired and when it’s late or a long day you probably don’t want to learn about RSA encryption or something about math, but you still listen to me and let me gush and write over the walls.
I think you put up with a lot, and also for a lot of time. I think I was in the wrong for sometimes making my insecurities your fault. For example if I felt unattractive, I should’ve asked her for help with that instead of blaming you for making me feel that way. It was really kind of you to still try really hard when I was being a dick about it.
Even though we’re in very different financial situations, the fact that we go 50-50 on things and you also treat me is really fucking sweet of you.
I know I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on you, but even through that you still put in so much effort to accommodate the things I ask, like me talking about how I want to be listened to.
I used to think about how it would be almost impossible for me to find someone who would be able to get me, because I would require them to be someone who was raised seriously online while also being well adjusted. You’re that person.
I don’t want you to force yourself to be there for me when I ask for it, but that being said when I do ask for it you push yourself so hard to be there for me. I believe a lot in intentions mattering, and there’s no purer intention than that.
Hugging you just makes my body relax and my mind go quiet. I feel safe in your arms.
You’ve indulged every one of my fantasies, even when it’s something out of your comfort zone.
Even though it’s an insecurity of yours, you let me have tummy time. You’re my personal stuffed animal.
You carried me to diamond 2 on DPS by pocketing me, letting me play pharmercy. I don’t queue up because I don’t have you supporting me. Before you I literally was struggling to get to plat on DPS.
The fact that I can play these games with you, and you’re GOOD at them. Like you’re my duoq, and you’re fun to play with, you don’t get tilted to the point where it’s not fun, and you want to play with me. That’s a dream I never even dared think about because I thought it’d be impossible.
I’d happily eat cup-o-noodles for months straight and instead spend the money on the stuff I got so that you can have a setup next to mine. I think about the first post you made of us playing overwatch next to each other.
It’s a core memory to me when we turn showers into water gun fights with our mouths. You let me do such stupid things with you, and match my energy so well.