Tomorrow I am going on a dating game show! How excited and I think it’s gonna be a fun time and my friends are gonna be there so it will be a lot of laughs one way or another. I just wanted to mention that.
I played tennis today with friends, the first time in a long time, and unfortunately, my tennis elbow came back in a very big way. It got so bad to the point where I had to sit down because it hurt too much to hold a racket, and I found in my bag a compression thing for that reason, and I almost couldn’t fit it over my forearm. I have been training my forearms a lot recently, and they are something that I get a lot of compliments towards, but at the same time is something where I look at them and I feel like I see them so small. I think it’s one of those things where it looks nice nice and vascular, and compared to the rest of my frame, it looks good or at least OK, but compared to my mental image of a random American dad, I am still a boy. And I guess all the considered I still am young. But when I tried putting that wrap on it somewhat short circuit, my brain and circumvented that dysmorphia, and I realized this circumference of them. It is a little bit sad how all the jokes about the Gym being a gateway to body dysmorphia have merit to them. But at the end of the day in the worst case, it is still OK if I am happy with myself for potentially delusional reasons, because other people view me the same.
I was feeling kind of depressed today, but I ended up going to the gym for three hours and I eventually started to feel a little bit better. I’m glad I went on Hinge and I’m glad that I had some amount of success, because I think to me that is at least showing that effort can pay off in that sense, but I also think that I might be taking a little bit of a step back to reenter myself in just life overall and not worry so much about dating.
I told U Today that I think I am looking for something different and wished her the best. I fear that with R I will be doing the same soon. I wonder if younger me would expect the problem I’m facing now, or if I would be ecstatic with joy. I guess to some extent it’s reassuring for the bad times, that life has its way of making sure that everyone drinks their fair share of misery from its glass.
I had sex for the first time in a while! I was completely fine and I think there’s a good chance that I’ve gotten over this anxiety. I had a great time, but at the same time I feel like there were several red flags that I am somewhat choosing to overlook, which I’m not super happy with. I remember they had mentioned that they have a self-reported disorganized attachment style, which seems like a nightmare, honestly. They also mentioned that they have some undiagnosed traits of BPD and they do often kind of share some bit of information that is like not really fun to hear, like they mentioned something reminded them of the feeling of Coke on gums? And then they said no it was not them that did it but an ex partner would and I mean, that’s better, but to be so cavalier about that? And I think there are a good amount of things that remind me of my ex, for better or for worse. Like I worry a little about the emotional regulation part is incredibly important. I also think that there are kind of attached to me very quickly and that is not a great sign either.
As we have talked more, there have been more things that we are compatible with, and I think this is going in the direction of a proper relationship! I am a little bit nervous of a couple things, mostly with the emotional stability or maturity, part, but there’s nothing like strictly bad, it could go either way. I guess I’m grateful I am taking things slow because I will hopefully be able to get an accurate view into things, or at least that’s the hope.
I have been getting a lot more matches on, and there’s this one person that I was talking to a lot today she really matches my energy. I also thought she was funny And she matched my freak. She also mentioned that she has had therapy in the past, and she lives pretty close by which I’m excited for. We have our first date on Saturday. I’m nervous but excited.
I put a thirst trap on my Hinge, one of the photos of me flexing in the posing room. Suddenly, I’ve gotten a lot more matches, and people are talking with me and flirting. I guess I’m not surprised, but a little part of me is.
I loosened my filters on Hinge, And I started talking to a few people, nothing too serious yet. But I guess I am going to listen to the advice of a lot of people and have a “roster”. Basically, just talk to several people on dates one at a time and not getting anything else until that person resolves. I feel a little bit like a fuck boy, but I guess it is naïve to think that come across might be the one. I feel like ultimately it is putting too much pressure on it and that is ultimately detrimental. I’m at least happy I am not lying to anyone or anything like that, but I think after this month of Hinge premium ends I am going to take a break from it for a little bit.
Today N Came over along with a few Other friends and we played Mario party, and for a little bit beforehand, we rolled around and I haven’t gone to do that for over a year now. I do miss jujitsu.
I was also thinking about how I feel like I don’t want to settle or compromise what I’m looking for in a relationship too much, and I don’t like the idea of actively dating in the sense of dropping my standards whenever it feels like the dating pool has ran out. And I kind of wanna apologize to younger me, and also the idea of potentially being married by 30, and I still think that there’s a pretty strong chance that happens, but I think it would probably be for the best if I stop actively chasing a relationship so much. Part of me wonders if I should look for casual sex or something like that, but I don’t really know if that is something for me or good. I feel like even if it’s hard to articulate, I have a mental image of the kind of person that I really get along with, and I would like to spend my life with. I honestly feel like a lot of that is just ADHD, because a lot of the traits that I’m looking for I have a lot of overly there. But I guess I’m kind of taking a little bit of a step back from the whole notion of active dating, especially with dating apps. I’ve gone through and looked at what it is readily available, and I have gone on at least one date out out of it. I’m also thankful that my issue is not getting rejected, but rather rejecting people, because as selfish as it is, I would like to believe that in a sense there isn’t something I need to change about myself to become more desirable, it’s rather a waiting game. But at the same time that means I kind of lose agency, which is scary. Part of me wonders if I need to get more attractive or more desirable with different ways and maybe that would preemptively solve the issues or somehow expand by dating pool to people that are more desirable. I guess it never hurts to improve myself.