An Open Letter

I stayed up way too late talking with L Since I think both of us struggle with a lot of the same issues, one of those things being people pleasing. It’s kind of nice to have another person’s experiences to clump your thoughts onto to finally form clear takeaways is that you can hold for yourself. People pleasing is not necessarily a noble thing, because it is also destructive to the other person. And it’s nice because framing it like that lets me actually stop it because I recognize it’s a problem worth fixing.

My mind wandered and I thought back to her profile on hinge when I first saw her. A part of me feels tricked in a way with the version of her in my head and the person she showed herself to be. But in writing that I see the parallels to the issue with idealizing a partner. I guess I kinda did that, actually the more I think of it I really did idealize her. She showed me several red flags from the start, and throughout the relationship. She also told me a few times about how she was and foreshadowed things. She also said good things of course and it wasn’t all bad, and I always was able to find excuses to devalue the bad stuff she told me. But there was a gap between her in my mind and her in person. I guess I didn’t really accept her as she is or truly see her since I kept rose tinted glasses on the whole time. I’m not saying it was good or would have worked, I think things would have just ended sooner if I was more realistic. Codependency and spending all your time together truly becomes a drug, and that clouds your mind.

This is gonna be an assorted list of random things that kind of stuck with me that I want to write down. One thing is how while yes it is difficult and rough to feel constant rejection and to be a man pursuing women, I am very much in the minority of being a man that is relatively emotionally mature, successful, attractive, and also wanting to settle down and get married and have kids. There are a lot more women that want that than men, and I would much rather have the agency of pursuing people rather than having to just accept whatever opportunities come my way, and trying to make the most of that. That actually sounds pretty miserable and like you have a lack of control. I want to remind myself that I’m not in that position and that’s something I should be grateful for.

Another thing is that the things that I really want in a partner are not actually that exceptionally rare. It’s not like I’m someone with some really niche fetish or anything like that, and I’ve also learned how easy it is for me to love people. I also know that I do receive a lot of positive attention, and I have had friends have crushes on me in the past. I do not have a shortage of people that are interested in me in my life, and that is a direct result of the work that I’ve done in the effort that I put in and that is something I should be very proud of.

I think I have a disproportionate sense of dread, and I want to be aware of that fact. I think I find several different thoughts that my brain brings up to try to justify it, and all of them have very blatant holes that get poked through quite easily. I think that should be a good indication of the fact that this is just my brain trying to protect me in a way. Feeling like I am alone and I will not find a partner is something that I grew up a lot with, and I think I have that cognitive lens over my experiences in life. But at the same time I was able to find a relationship pretty quickly in San Diego. So it’s not a question of me dying alone or anything like that. And I am pretty young still, and yes there are some people that had very fortunate starting places in life and get to be in very committed relationships or marriages in their late 20s, and it’s not that that’s impossible for me either. But at the same time also recognize that life makes everyone drink their share from the cup of misery. It’s not that their life is inherently better than mine or anything like that. That comparison is something that will ultimately force desperation into something that should take time. And I think it will be something so incredibly beautiful and I’m willing to wait for that.

I spent most of the day with A after work, and it’s nice to just have a good day with a friend. I also do feel like I have been rejuvenated in hope a little bit, because things are not as Grim as I think they are. I think a lot of it just comes from the fact that I don’t have a lot of of the things that some other people do, and because of that I feel like that is how the world is. Because I also have not had enough success yet with finding something like community, I feel like it is nonexistent, but I also do think that because of my lack of it I have developed certain skills that help facilitate this more, and it sets me up for a good future. And I don’t think it’s as rare as it seems. And it’s also not like I’m starving and drowning without any socialization. I do live in a large area that is fairly bustling, and I have a good amount of friends. I’ve let a good amount of grief wash over me, and I guess I can see some future where I can look at certain things and they don’t remind me of her and hurt me in the ways that the grief currently is.

I’m in San Jose now, and I spent three hours in the rental lot where I first met her mom. I wasn’t that exact rental lot After dropping off the car from our road trip. I honestly just wanna break down crying. Sometimes I really fucking miss her. And I remember how I felt calling her when I was in San Jose on my business trip for the first time. And I just went and I deleted the Instagram highlight of us, and I couldn’t help but to look through all of them one last time. And my God, I loved her so fucking much. And I’m almost forcing myself to use past tense, because I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t. And it just hurts so much because all of these places remind me of her. And she was never perfect, and she never claimed that she was. But I had really just hoped that things would work out. And it sucks so much because I know that she loved me. And the issue was that love alone was not enough to make up for the issues. But the times when she would give me that love, it would feel so incredibly sweet and warm and I would feel so fucking safe. I would feel like for the first time in my life I had someone I could just collapse onto. And even if in those moments she didn’t handle things great still, I felt safe with her and I felt like she cared. And sometimes I would be able to have space for me, and I could just cry and get a hug from her. And it hurts me so much that the nostalgia still haunts me. And it sucks because in the relationship that was not the default, and that was not even a common occurrence. And I think that almost made it even more valuable. And I’ve done a lot of research and reading and seen that it was not a healthy dynamic, and I was constantly trapped in the cycle of her getting aggressive or doing something shitty to me, and then some sweet apology without any follow up, followed by a few days of kindness and love. And then another bomb drop. And I remember how unstable I felt, because I never knew how she would react a day, and it was something that affected my work and my other relationships.

So why does it hurt me so much to see the places haunted by nostalgia of good memories. Even if sometimes looking at her would hurt me, why do I have those memories so fondly held close to my heart. I’m glad that voice to text doesn’t pick up my sobs. I guess I honestly don’t know what else to do but to cry myself to sleep, since it is late and I have to wake up early for work tomorrow. I’m doing my best to let the grief pass through me, and not shut it out. But I really do miss her.

I just landed in San Jose. I’m right now in the place where I dropped off the car after my road trip with E up for thanksgiving. It really did feel like we were locked in, didn’t it? Two months in and I met her family and joined them for thanksgiving. They even threw me a surprise birthday party. God, this grief threatens to swallow me whole in this Avis line. It was right outside this building where I met her mom for the first time. That was the first time I met a partners parent.

I remember after the first breakup her mom told me that she thinks I’m a good guy, but this early on you shouldn’t be having this many problems. And she’s right, and she didn’t try to change my mind, since honestly I was so blinded and committed to the idea of making it work I wouldn’t have accepted it. But she was completely right.

I know there will be other wonderful parents to meet in the future and thanksgivings to be had. I miss the week I spent here with them all. The things we did together, it felt like I was added to their family already. E talked so much about marriage, I had written down and remembered what kind of gem she would want in her ring. Where do I put “ruby” in my memory now? God I really loved E. I kept beating myself up thinking about how I could have been better for her, and for us. If somehow I could have done enough to make it work out happily ever after. We fucking talked about kids, so much. I thought about marrying her sooner so that my work insurance could cover her IVF due to her genetic condition. She would cry sometimes about how expensive and scary it was, and I would do my best to comfort her. I’d tell her how it means nothing if it means being able to have a kid (the cost). I know she wanted a very nice quality of life and I resigned myself to possibly sacrificing parts of me to climb the corporate ladder enough to pay for it all.

I remember early early into just dating she told me how she wanted someone without commitment issues, since I later found out she had just ended a situationship. Within a few days we started dating and it was intense and fast. I think she had a hole in her heart from the last relationship and I came and instantly filled it back, picking up where it was left off.

Either way there’s a ton of E shaped holes left in me. And one of these holes is this rental car pickup line. I remember who I was when I was waiting to meet her mom in person finally. God, her dog Cooper, and her cat Fiona. Fiona was supposed to move in with me, and I love that cat. And that cat really loves me, and same with Coops. I remember how beautiful their Christmas tree was. Having a heart to heart talk with her mom while she lay asleep on the couch. Talking about our 24 hour first date.

It’s bad but my brain keeps wanting to call her my baby. My girl. And she’s not.

Is it weird to say that I actually kind of feel proud of the fact that I missed a day? Like that means that I was so busy and occupied with things that I forgot. Yesterday I had friends over again, and then I went to a candlelight concert with other others. Even though I originally didn’t really want to go, I’m incredibly happy that I did because from that a lot of other things spawned, including potentially having a group of people to play music with! It was really nice to feel like my life is starting to have some structure and find groups of friends to do things with, and it’s something worth noting how it comes from strange ways that I would not have expected ahead of time. Today I’m going to San Jose for my work trip, and I am pretty packed which is nice, because I do expect that at least a part of me will hurt from the fact that I was supposed to go up with E, and also visit her family. And saying that out loud reminds me the fact that she must have just finished her quarter, and is now on break for a little bit. That shouldn’t matter to me, and I guess it doesn’t. It’s just one of those memories that still sits in my head unused now. I think I’ve accepted the fact that this relationship was pretty toxic to me, because I’ve put up with a lot more than I should have, and it is not an appropriate thing to have my feelings and concerns consistently brought up and argued or invalidated, eventually followed with an apology without accountability or follow up. I think that put me into a pretty rough cycle of hoping that this time no excuses come up and she actually follows through, but that isn’t something that I should wait around for in the future. I feel like I’m starting to beat a dead horse at this point, but I am grateful for the experience as a whole.

All I want to ask myself is do I think that E was kind to me. I asked this because in one of the videos I watched they mentioned how this is a very simple and important relationship rule, with all the stuff nice things about someone and the reasons why you would want to stay with them, there needs to be the answer to the question of them being kind to you. And it seems very straightforward, but when I think about that in conjunction with the technique of considering how I would respond if one of my friends was in the situation I was in and they came to me for advice, it becomes more than I first thought. Yes, she was absolutely kind to me at moments, but at the same time some of the actions that she did were things that even if she did to someone that she does not like, I would think that is still not OK. Like if she had beef with someone that was shitty to her and justifiably upset with them, still several of the things she did I was in crossing line. And so if I think that it’s not OK to do those things to someone she doesn’t like, why do I accept and tolerate those things when she does it to me. I don’t think those things are kind things to do, And I should hold myself to a higher standard of care than I would a random person. And so I have my answer. I already have my answer in different ways, so it’s not like this is some huge revelation, but I do think this does help me both for the future, and also for when my brain wants to come up with more excuses for her.

Just going to be one of those days. I’m exhausted even after caffeine and just don’t feel well, so I’m going to just chase pain in low weight high reps.

I don’t think I have enough of a backbone or whatever you want to call it to decide whether or not some of the stuff that happened should be ok or not. I can understand maybe a little bit on where you were coming from with the thing that happened that first week. I still think it was not ok, and was handled horribly. I’ve somewhat come to terms with the idea that you could hate me, that’s ok because I’ve thought and at least right now I feel like my actions lined up with my values, and I’m happy with the person I am. I am the love I give, not the love I receive.

I think it’s a trap to think that there are a small percentage of the population that you could truly connect with. I think every person has enough depth and wideness to their character to make them more than enough for meaningful connection. But I do have that fear about just the lack of agency in the whole situation. Like I don’t know what I can do to meet someone who would be good for me. I know the things I can do to increase the odds, but nothing deterministic. And that fear sits on that last portion.

But also what would I do differently if I knew that in 6 years the problem would be for sure solved? Like by the time I’m 30 I’d be in a great relationship. I know I can’t guarantee that, but let’s just speculate. If I knew it would work out, would I be able to let go a bit more? Of this fear, specifically. And I think the answer is yes. But also what if I never find that person, or things just don’t work out. The first thing that comes to my mind is I wouldn’t get to be a father, and that is horribly sad. But the good news is I absolutely could adopt, and such. I also do feel like by that point I’ve scaled like crazy and I will absolutely be able to get married. So I guess if I do believe that, I do know that I won’t die alone.

So then the next part is how do I get comfortable with the prospect of being single for an indefinite amount of time? I think there’s no denying the fact it’s nicer to be able to have someone to be intimate with, share experiences with, and to be able to come home to. There’s no avoiding that, so whatever conclusion has to come in lieu of that. I guess an even worse outcome however is being with someone you shouldn’t spend your life with. That’s a very agonizing hell, to be in a situation of your choosing that hurts more the longer you don’t rip the bandaid off. I have so much sympathy for people who have to break up for “good” reasons, like right person wrong time, or after a long time, at least longer than these 5 months with E for me. That’s would be brutal. And a divorce? Holy shit. Especially if it’s because of work that needs to be done that’s damaging to the partner. I’m so thankful that I did not do something egregious in this relationship, because the guilt would murder me. But I digress.

I watched a vid on this a while ago, and they said that even if being single is miserable and lonely at times, it’s better than being in the wrong relationship, because that robs you of time and more importantly hope. What if I stuck to E, and we continued to try to work on the relationship, and then 30 comes around and I find that person I would have been with otherwise. I did feel like I was settling a lot with E, which is honestly cruel of me. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel like they’re the “settle for” option, and so that is shitty of me for trying to make the relationship work so much. But either way, I want a future relationship to feel like one where I’m not worried about how I’m going to present them to my friends, for them to find her impressive. I don’t want to feel like I have to hope they can lock in or not act in certain ways they normally do as to not embarrass me. I want to show them off and be overwhelmingly proud of. I did show E off a lot and I don’t want it to seem like she wasn’t an incredible person in her own way. But at the same time around my friends from work, she would get super self conscious and worried because everyone is super smart and successful and she is graduating late with an art degree. I would have loved to show her off if she had created art, but she just scraped by the degree and had nothing of substance to show easily. I want my future partner to be someone who beats me in different ways (see what I did there lol). I want someone who can grow my experience of the world in a more direct sense, not as the subject but as the teacher at times.

I guess it’s hard to think of someone this rare and wonderful and think of them as someone available, y’know? But maybe if they’re waiting for a relationship rather than just jumping at opportunities it would make sense. If someone is more deliberate with love as an option rather than a need, then waiting for the right person is natural. I do think serially relationship hopping is a bad thing, and this is the healthiest version of it. So I guess I should strive to be the same.

I do appreciate journaling like this rather than talking to an AI, since there are enough tools and building blocks in my mind that I can gain insights without external stimulation, just needs the work and analysis. And I do feel better.

I think That in the future I don’t want to date someone that has an E dating history. I don’t blame anyone for doing it, but Maybe it’s just a mixture of my trust issues, or a healthy apprehension to that whole subculture, but I think I very much want my future partner to be someone who is comfortable without the need for external validation so heavily, as I think shows up in edating communities. I think it’s OK if someone has a past, but as long as it is genuinely that – a past. I don’t want to worry about unresolved knock on effects from that, or someone who is just immediately masked the symptom without addressing the problem. I want my future relationships to be ones where I feel completely secure and don’t have reasonable doubt or worry. Almost immediately in my relationship with E she had made a friend that she gamed with, and they would call and message separately. One day he asked her about dating and she said she would stop talking to him, and then when we had an argument later and we took a little bit of space she broke down and talk to him and entertained him. That immediately almost ruined the relationship, and I think in the future I should absolutely run if those signs show up. Thankfully she was faithful, but I think I don’t ever want to be in that situation again where I’m having nightmares and worried about her talking with ex partners, because she’s still continuing to hide them through the relationship. I don’t want to worry about how candidly she talks about these things from her past in a sense where it doesn’t feel like she actually learned and moved on from them, but rather just told herself that she’s a different person without doing the relevant work. I don’t want to tie my life to someone who is still figuring those things out.