An Open Letter

Today I went to the first intermediate class for dance, and beyond any recognition, slaughtered the choreography. Not in a good way. I saved the video with me half-way through getting lost and standing on the corner of the video for like 10 seconds doing like nothing LMFAOOO. The worst (best) part is I went with another friend who hasn’t danced much (but is good), and we said we would bomb it together. Before the class even starts, a conventionally attractive girl comes up to me and asks if I’m Anshuman, and says that she also works at Apple (where me and my friend work/met), and that she saw me mentioning the class but didn’t send a message or anything because she wasn’t sure if she was going. So then I had to figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to say to that, especially since she was very quiet and not very talkative. Turns out she danced in college, and so there goes my safety net of not worrying about being potentially judged by anyone I know lol. The class was beyond terrifying, but it was a great experience overall, and I’m happy I went! Afterwards, V asked if I’m still down to get food after, which I didn’t know was happening, but I said yes, and we all went together to a sushi place I used to go to here. Honestly, I feel pretty awkward in conversations, especially when I’m not like comfortable around people — like when I don’t necessarily think that it’s appropriate to make jokes and be stupid, like when people aren’t really laughing or lighthearted in that way. And these two people weren’t, and the problem is then I just continue to make the jokes since that’s both my coping mechanism, but also the awkward situations are hilarious to me so I somewhat don’t stray from them. I just start tweaking and laughing to myself like crazy when I make jokes, and no one laughs. But we ended up getting food and I think the ice started to break more and more, as we talked about so many different topics and stayed talking for 2 hours!

The reason I titled this entry this was because one of the things that we talked about was making friends while moving to a new environment, and somehow I mentioned that I wasn’t an extrovert and both of them visibly stopped in shock. They didn’t believe me, which is something I’ve taken as a huge point of pride! I even had the same conversation with someone earlier – T, with whom I got along incredibly well! I’m very proud of the work that I’ve done and the sheer number of hours of practice along with that. I did not have any of this come naturally to me, I was raised virtually isolated (pun intended), and so I had to learn socialization on my own, and also practice it with so much trial and error. This has led me to become a confident person in this, specifically in the belief that almost everyone is more awkward than anyone who practices socializing. And a good indicator of being charismatic is being more awkward than the other person in a sense. Doing things like taking the initiative in conversations to avoid lulls and steer the direction is somewhat risky, as you have to be vulnerable and push past safe small talk to get to substance, but in doing this the other person gets to feel safe in sharing and opening up likewise. Someone always has to go first, and I’m strong enough to be that person consistently. I don’t even feel the burden of it anymore, it’s too light. I’m proud of the man I’ve raised myself to be.