An Open Letter

I remember seeing advice online about how after a breakup you should wait at least 3 weeks before breaking no contact to speak with them. It’s a shame because we aren’t going to talk. Likely ever again. And that’s for the best.

I thought to myself how did I fall so in love with the wrong person. There are several different ways to look at it, all equally as meaningless. I fell in love with her due to the chemicals in my brain, and the constant proximity and interaction. Or maybe it wasn’t even love but rather the addiction to the constant push pull cycle. Or maybe how it felt like she completed me. How much I cared about her and how much I was willing to sacrifice to make her happy and for her benefit. Hell even at the end, after she had gone nuclear and done so many fucked things I still did whatever I thought would be best for her and would hurt her the least. It’s the sort of love where their needs matter more than your own. In a way I’m grateful she blew things up for me because otherwise I don’t know if I could have ever broken up with her. I don’t think she could have ever fully understood me but then again no one ever can, that’s part of the point of being human.

But either way I loved her so fucking much. And I still love her, just in a different way. I can love her as a human, but not as a partner or a part of my life. She also did love me. I do believe that fully. But love and effort aren’t the only thing that matter unfortunately. And so I try to reconcile the fact that I both love her so deeply, and also the fact that she was not at all right for me and that I am hurting so fucking much. She hurt me. But it’s also not fully her fault of course, I chose wrong. I jumped too fast and ignored all the things I hope I know now.

I think this is a testament towards how easy it is for me to love. It might be a little disingenuous for me to phrase it like this, as a lot of it could also be framed as my desire for connection and love. But at the end of the day I’ve fallen so heavily in love with people that don’t seem to be a great match to me on paper. And so when I find someone in the future who can reciprocate more of the things I can give, I don’t need to be as afraid of not loving them. I hope.

If I could talk to E, all of the things I would say are things she wouldn’t receive well, or questions that she doesn’t have the answers to. The instinct in my heart is that I’ve polished and packaged these thoughts so well that she has to give me confirmation that I’m right. But that wouldn’t happen, and I know that. If she had that capacity, then we wouldn’t be the way we are now. Still in my mind I want to reach out for some stupid bullshit or another. I want to sell her the doja cat ticket we bought, since then she could go with someone she knows. But I don’t even know if she’s going to go. After we broke up she joked about seeing me in a year since we have the tickets next to each other and I told her I had already listed the tickets, since it would hurt me too much. I think no contact must also be brutal for her. Because she loves/loved me so much. What a devastating or cruel position to be in to have to break up with someone you love because you keep hurting them. That guilt constantly damaging you. And on my end, her lack of accountability or responsibility to make up for it. I lost so much stability and fear because of her hiding messages to exes, people flirting with her and other stuff. And it never should be that hard. I remember throughout the relationship I started feeling like I could see an end, since this was not what I thought love should feel like. I shouldn’t have so many doubts and fears, trust shouldn’t have to be repaired so quickly. And it wasn’t really repaired. I kept having nightmares of her hiding stuff, and when I’d try to outline ways for her to make up for it she would avoid them. And I still fell so deeply in love with her. Or maybe that’s nostalgia.

I really want to learn to accept things as they are. If someone is behaving some way, accept it. If someone was super friendly and engaged, and then suddenly goes missing and pulls away let them. Don’t tell yourself constantly that right now is bad but E will change, and these problems will go away. And then no other problems will ever come up. You are not a therapist or a teacher Anshuman. You are an equal PARTNER. It should not be one sided. Find someone who fucking reads the list of things they asked you to get, since you killed it on presents and they couldn’t be similarly thoughtful. It’s fine if that’s the case, but the fact that she didn’t even READ the list you gave her to make things easier must have been such a fucking slap in the face. The fact that you had to constantly beg for things like for her to acknowledge what she did. Or for small little acts like a hug and a card. Or for her to not shut down and ignore you when you try to be vulnerable. You shouldn’t have to beg. Don’t just find, but also wait for someone who doesn’t make you feel like you need to fight to have space in their mind. E never had to convince you to love her in the ways she needed. You deserve the same. Remember that you weren’t loved right as a kid, and so your perception of the world is fully tainted by that.

I can’t remember or find the quote but something about: “when you grow up in a burning house butterflies look the same as red flags” i’ve butchered that so badly, and I would honestly delete it if I felt like I should have any shame here, but given the nature of it I’m gonna leave it just to fucking prove to myself that this is a safe place for me.