4, not 5.

I maybe could have done 5. But I stopped at 4. I almost hate myself for that. It's just a personification of how lazy I am. I didn't give it my all. I didn't come close to that. How could I be happy with myself like this? It feels like I'm telling myself “I'm fine like this. I'm ok not progressing.” And that terrifies me.

I used to remind myself that “I am a list of the concessions I make.” And that list has just steadily grown. I'll cut corners everywhere. What a letdown.

Mac said in that one line “I'm more than what I think of myself, I really have to be.” I wonder what that problem would be like, I'm on the other shore of the same ocean I fear. I could be so much more. I know I'm better than what I am right now. But I see the obvious contradiction there, as I am myself. But I don't have to be. I could be someone who was disciplined, and not this thing I am now. I guess we both are in the same water. I need to be more than what I think of myself, otherwise there's no hope. I pray people can change – no I BELIEVE we can change; because otherwise I am trapped as this person. I don't want to be this person. But I also don't want to be anyone else. I guess I just don't want to be sometimes, until I am that person. I'm afraid that ego drives me, after all I just realized that I only want to be the good version of me.

Brand new city by Mitski gets it.