A bit of perspective

I was talking with a close friend and I mentioned how I had a couple of ideas I wanted to do when they got back in person. She asked me if I had made a list of them, and I said I didn’t because I thought it might be overbearing. She didn’t acknowledge that and said she was going to start a list also, and I should.

For me, I have been insecure and trying to convince myself that she considers me a close friend for a while, and I have plenty of evidence to back that up. It’s still hard, because of childhood issues and a lack of constant explicit confirmation. For fucks sake, even her MOTHER told me I was a close friend of hers. But the thing I found weirdly nice was how she didn’t even consider that we weren’t close friends – at least in the sense of me being overbearing on planning hanging out when she comes back. This is something I don’t take for granted or assume, I don’t internally believe that we are guaranteed to hang out when she gets back, but I guess in her eyes she definitely wants to.

I think this difference in perceptions of the same thing is so funny. The same relationship is perceived so drastically differently, and it shows me how it’s not the relationship itself, but the baggage I’ve carried with me that skews it in this way. Maybe my friends do like me. Huh.

Situation: A close friend talked about making a list of things we want to do when she is back in person.

Thoughts: She values me as a friend. She wants to spend time with me when we get back in person, and she enjoys my company. She wants to be friends with me, and we are close friends.

Feelings: I feel like things are okay. Not in the immediate sense, I’ve been actually doing very well, but more for my inner child. Maybe friends aren’t doomed to eventually hurt you and betray you, and maybe they can just love you. There is enough love in this world for me too.

Behavior: I live happy and free from the bad experiences as a child. I look forward to future moments with her and also enjoy my present without the extra baggage from childhood reminding me all the time.

There’s no other way I’d like to see this. I’m happy. I love you drop master 💝