A little bit more than a ramble

About an hour ago I went and tried to cry in the parking lot behind a field near my new apartment. I was going to write down some shit about regret, and how I don’t want to regret not telling someone something before I don’t get a chance to again. I told a close friend I love her (platonically) today, and I’m glad I did. I texted my entire family I love them also, and it meant a lot to specifically my mom, who was struggling with her mom’s suicide.

But I’m not sad in that way anymore, and so I feel like anything I’d write would be disingenuous. So I guess I’ll ramble a bit.

I’ve been talking to two girls right now, just in the talking phase so I ethically feel fine. I honestly don’t feel that immediate aggressive spark I sometimes feel, but I think that’s a good thing, as those relationships burn out quickly. I wanted some more experience with dating, and I can’t really practice that with my “soulmate” can I?

I also feel like I’m realizing a bit more how said close friend doesn’t really care about me as much as I’d have hoped. I think this is an irrational thought, so let me CBT this in a second, but first – I’ve noticed she doesn’t read all of my messages, and she responds to messages very slowly. To me, if she texts me I prioritize that over other mundane things, and overall I do this with everyone. I hold this unrealistic metric, as I know everyone is not the same in this. But sometimes it sucks to think how someone doesn’t really want to reach out to me to tell me things, and how it’s the other way around. I think it’s unhealthy in the long run for me, as I should deal with this issue – but I do wish at least immediately she would reach out to me the same way I reach out to her. Same with my other friends. At least with other people who use stuff like TikTok, they send me videos once in a while so I know they think of me. I don’t have that assurance with this person. It sucks sometimes.

I wonder if my defense against this is to just accept it and not care. I don’t think that’s a good way of seeing life, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. I sometimes just wish someone would give me the excessive care I try to give others to retroactively fix my own issues.

CBT time.

Situation: My friend doesn’t text me the same way I text her, and she doesn’t respond to my texts as fast as I respond to hers.

Thoughts: She doesn’t care about me how I care about her. I’m just not as close a friend to her as I would have thought. If she cared about me she would text me more things, and she would also respond faster the way I do. You’re an idiot for thinking people could love you the way you want. You are unloveable, but by your own standards – which are unrealistic. Nothing will change.

Feelings: I feel like shit. I also feel like she doesn’t care about me, and by extension, none of my friends care about me. I feel alone, and I feel like a loser. I feel so fucking alone. I also feel like this is all my fault, no one else is at fault for anything. This pain is on me, and me alone.

Behavior: I isolate myself from friends, and I stop reaching out to her. I also feel bad whenever I reach out to her, or text her anything. I feel upset when she doesn’t text me back within a few hours, and I just believe she doesn’t care about me. I don’t try to maintain the friendship or anything of the sort, and I self-fulfilling prophecy in my life again.

I refuse to live this way, not for anyone else – but just for me.

Thoughts: Listen you fucking idiot. Take this to heart. She DOES care about you. REBT double standard tek – think about the friends who text you first. Do you care about them any less? No. They are the friends who come naturally and don’t require effort, and god I appreciate that tremendously. Yeah it sucks that maybe she won’t reach out to you the same way, but to her nothing is wrong – so there is no reason to change. Either accept and be content with it as is, or ask her to do things differently. You can fully ASK her to reach out to you once in a while and check in on you, or you can also just reach out yourself! You have control over communication, if you want more then text her on Instagram more. But also to debunk the other thoughts:

  1. She doesn’t care about me the way I care about her – You are using a specific test to try to confirm this behavior. She has been there every time you have needed her. She has given you more than enough evidence for your own selfish therapy – at no benefit to her. She has seen your flaws and shortcomings and still values you as a close friend. BELIEVE THOSE LAST TWO WORDS IDIOT.

  2. I’m just not as close a friend to her as I thought – Honestly, you could be true here. That is not at all the end of the world, this is something you need to get the fuck over. Even Lauren mentioned scarcity, and I know this is the problem. I could be a fucking acquaintance to her, and would that change anything? No. It’s just a label that you put on things to try to monkey-patch scars from childhood. Let that sit – you could be an acquaintance to her, and nothing would change. Stop being entitled to a label or more. Want will kill any joy you have in life, and this is included. Enjoy the relationship you have instead of mourning things you don’t.

  3. If she cared about me she would text me more, and respond faster – Nice moving goalpost. Specifically in this relationship, she has her own shortcomings and flaws as a friend. That doesn’t involve you; also take a second to put yourself in her shoes. She is incredibly busy in person and in a fully new environment with new people and a full life. Think about when your life gets busy, how certain relationships attrition. She has put in EFFORT to maintain this relationship. Think about how stupid you’ve been here. Someone who is so incredibly busy is staying up and putting aside time EVERY DAY to respond to your stupid messages. If that’s not love what is? She doesn’t owe you enough to drop everything and respond while life is in full swing. This isn’t a bad thing, this is a “she does care” moment.

  4. You’re an idiot for thinking people could love you the way you want – lmao yeah I agree. Be more reasonable, and understand how stupid you can be. I know you think you’re smart and self-aware, but check yourself. Until you sit down and really take time to process through things with CBT look how fucking dumb you can be. Keep doing this, and think about things better. Do better man. Fight.

  5. You are unloveable, but by your own standards – which are unrealistic. – I’m going to take a second to look over my evidence list. RAH MAN. RAHHHH. Remember why Beth wanted the dick? Kindness. You’re loved more than you’ll be able to believe for a while. Think about how much your friends will entertain you with unreasonable things. You’re an incredible friend and more than that. People love you. Think about how many people would cry if you killed yourself lmao.

  6. Nothing will change. – Remember who you’re talking about.

Checkmate. Chin up. Take a few seconds, sit in her shoes, and weep for how stupid you’ve been.

Feelings: I’m tired since it’s 1:18 a.m., but I feel content in a weird way. It’s fine dude. A little bit of tough love today, but I want this to seep in. I feel warm, I feel ok. I feel more loved than before, especially by this friend. What I feel more than anything else, however, is a determination to change. I’m grateful to be so incredibly weak in these aspects, as if I was normal I wouldn’t have any reason to work this muscle out. But god damn will I become shredded. No rest days needed here.

Behavior: I stop acting like an insecure little bitch about it. I enjoy my interactions with her, and I don’t feel entitled to more. I also don’t feel like I need more, as I can be content with what I have. I won’t ruin this friendship but rather foster it more. I lifemaxx better.

So much for a small ramble, but goes to show how useful it is to do some daily journaling and CBT. I love you Timothy 💗, don’t forget that