A post I hope she doesn't read
So I feel like this would actively be damaging to the friendship to read, so to the person this involves please do not read this. Or do, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I guess this is a direct example of why I’m partially grateful no one is subscribed to this/reads this frequently.
EDIT: On writing a bit more, please do not read this. The things I’m writing are not my thoughts, but rather anxieties and childhood trauma. They do not reflect me, or you as a person, and I would really hope you do not read this as I portray myself in an incredibly horrible way, and I think it would ruin our relationship. I’m afraid of the consequences of you reading this.
We got off the phone a bit ago and had a perfectly good conversation, but I guess it made me have to confront some feelings I REALLY don’t want to. One thing we talked about is how our friendship is going to significantly drop in intensity and that it was more or less a summer thing while we were both proximally close out of convenience, and also about how eventually in the future we most likely will not be close, if we even are currently. I’m right now giving myself a bit of room to slip and be anxious and insecure, so please take this with that lens, but god damn. It honestly feels pretty horrible to both be faced with the idea of how at some point in the future we will not be close friends, if we even are close friends at the moment. I know that this is a HUGE insecurity of mine, specifically revolving around “best” friends, or being someone’s #1.
I get it, I know I’m completely unreasonable here and in the wrong, but I had a small part of me hoping that you would care about me more than anyone else, which is fully due to the emotional neglect as a child I endured. You’re FULLY in the right, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong – this is something I need to work on in myself.
But also fuck, man. I wished as unreasonable as it is that you would enjoy my company so much that you would be willing to hold the potentially unhealthy delusion that you would do virtually anything to maintain that level of intimacy and friendship we shared over the summer. It feels pretty fucking horrible to think someone I consider one of my closest friends is prepared to move on past me when the thought of losing them as a friend makes me feel sick.
I know, I know. I’m completely toxic in this viewpoint, but God damn does it hit childhood all over again. I feel like I’ve found someone who I feel safe with, and I want to grip onto that as much as I possibly can. I know that realistically we will drift away from how intensely involved we were, while that was the only thing convenient – but I don’t want to lose you, at least not yet. It makes me feel like crying to think that you’re already more or less mentally prepared to give up and accept that we aren’t going to be this close. I stopped typing during that last sentence because I had to hesitate to say “we” and “close” since I kind of doubt how much I mean to you.
You mentioned how the cycle usually goes with you being close to someone, and then eventually you realize they care less about you compared to how much you care about them, and then you hang onto them until you can find someone new. I’m worried that that’s going to happen to me, where sometime in the future this ambiguity gets cleared up and I find out that you mean more to me than the other way around, and then I get left as the alone child neglected all over again. I know it’s just a fix to the symptom, and not the cause itself, but fuck man – I wish you cared about me so violently that it would make up for the deformities burdened on me from being the child left alone.
I know I don’t mean this, but in my mind, I’ve found I feel cared for when I’m interacting with you. I wish somehow that feeling could never end, and that you would want to give me that warmth forever. I wish by some stars aligning you were so starved that this was something you would want to hold onto forever. I wish I wasn’t the only one hungry here.
If you somehow end up reading this (you know who you are), please tell me directly. I debated whether or not to include this section here, but I trust you to do me this grace. If I didn’t trust you to tell me if you read this, I think I would self-sabotage our friendship on my own, or end up deleting this post after a few hours.
Okay, with that all out of the way, I need to again emphasize that this was me airing out incredibly vulnerable and dirty laundry, in the interests of trying to ultimately clean it. I don’t always think this way, this isn’t who I am – I am just struggling a lot with these thoughts and they are in no way shape, or form true or what I believe. That being said, time for CBT:
Situation: The situation here is my close friend telling me that
This was more or less a summer thing
She is not expecting this friendship intensity to last forever
Thoughts: I think that she is saying being close friends was just something over the summer and that she doesn’t want to interact that same way in the future. She wants to let me down easy because she doesn’t want to be mean, but she doesn’t see me as a close friend and once she is surrounded by other people she wants to stop interacting with me. She also doesn’t necessarily want to keep me as a lifelong friend, she will ultimately look to replace me when she finds someone better.
Feelings: Feel absolutely like shit, completely hopeless, unloveable, like I’m a horribly clingy person for valuing her so much as a friend. Feel like I’m just a fuck up doomed to stay unloved.
Behavior: I will get violently depressed, stop reaching out or trying to cultivate friendships, pull away from her, isolate myself from people and friends, and confirm the insecure thoughts I have.
Now for a better way to look at things
Thoughts: Her mentioning this is a summer thing is more referring to how much raw time we spent together, specifically since we will be more busy with other stuff and also other people. It isn’t a reflection on our relationship quality, but rather how the friendship will take up as much time as we give it. While there is less time in the future, we will just make the time worth more. Also, she has mentioned she has cared less about things as a consequence of SSRIs, and so it is not an accurate representation of relationships as a whole or even this one. I will put in the effort to maintain this as a healthy relationship, and hopefully a lifelong one. But at the end of the day, it is simply a part of life that things happen, and that I cannot hold onto good things forever. I should not let that get in the way of me enjoying it while it is here. She does value me and care about me as a close friend, and even if it is not a “best” friend thing, that doesn’t devalue or change our friendship at all.
Feelings: Still feel sad, but in a way that I think is normal, and healthy. I feel less empty, and I feel more reasonable and less delusional in a good way. I feel like I am better equipt to be a good friend, and to not make things excessively negative.
Behavior: I will be less insecure, meaning needing less care and support due, since I will be struggling less. I will enjoy living in the moment and the friendship we have currently, while also being an overall more positive and energizing person. I will also not be as depressed, or likely to continue this cycle of overdependence on friends.
Wow, I feel better immediately going through all of this – I know it was an incredible amount of stuff to write so I’m grateful this is not a “blog” blog, but more a journal for myself that is also on public display. I confronted some pretty ugly feelings that are incredibly deeply rooted within me, and that is not easy to do. I’m proud of you again Suman, I’ll talk to you again. Feel better man ♥