An Open Letter

I wanted to write this down while I was at the gym a bit ago, so here it is – I have been recovering from several injuries, and was taking things relatively slowly. I still pushed myself very far, and I realized how even with my body feeling strained and not right, I still committed to pushing myself. I thought about why I wasn’t waiting for everything to align to be perfect like I normally do, and I thought maybe it was just because I wanted it enough. Or maybe because I wasn’t as afraid of failure.

I have put off making a hinge for several months now, and I’ve always told myself “Oh after xyz happens I’ll be ready!” and I’ve moved that goalpost ever since. I think I’ll sit here forever in this limbo telling myself that things are not perfect yet, and so I will wait for that. I think this is a violent cop-out, and I’m somewhat tired of this excuse. I want to go ahead and start doing things I don’t think I’m ready for, otherwise, I’d change nothing in life.

Situation: Making a hinge

Thoughts: I need a few more things, I’m close but I am not there yet. If I don’t have this perfect, I won’t get any success with it and it will reinforce my idea that I am unwantable.

Feelings: I feel stressed, I feel like a coward, and I also feel bad about myself – because this fear is strong enough to stop me from doing it, meaning I believe that it is true.

Behavior: I avoid the thought of this, don’t make a hinge, don’t give myself a chance to meet cool people, and go on fun dates.

Thoughts: Things won’t ever be perfect, no one takes dating apps that seriously anyway. There is a point of diminishing rewards, and I have long passed it. Me getting one slightly funny picture won’t make a world of difference. I am getting feedback that I am desirable now, and there is nothing to lose if I don’t let it affect my self-image.

Feelings: I feel empowered, and I feel capable of finally making a hinge.

Behavior: I make it, and I give myself more chances to meet people! Who knows, I might start a nice relationship.

Love you Suman, happy early birthday! 💖