An Open Letter

Hey me. I sat here for a couple of minutes not even knowing what to write, even though I turned my computer on for this reason. I guess I’ll just somewhat vent. Last night I was hanging out with a group of friends I hadn’t hung out with before and was having a great time. While we were out, we saw two mutual friends we all know in a car at a stoplight, and we yelled out and waved. Then from the backseat, another friend rolled their window down.

Those three people in the car were my “close” friends who I would hang out with nearly every day last year. They normally aren’t good at responding to texts, but they basically just fully stopped recently, with no explanation to me why. I did CBT and stuff and believed that it was because they were busy, or not really in the mindset to hang out, but I think I might be wrong. I think they do hang out without me, and they never told me why. The last time we interacted was going to a rave together, which we had planned months in advance, and it was a great time. But since then it’s more or less been radio silence.

I’m worried about both underreacting and overreacting. I don’t ever want to be the person who is doing something wrong, or making huge mistakes that upset people without ever knowing it because they stay in the delusion of thinking it’s never their fault. But at the same time, I feel like all the advice I get is to understand that reasons don’t always have to revolve around me. I think I really should do CBT on this.

Situation: Last night I saw three other friends I used to hang out with all the time in a car together, going to build one of their PCs. They also haven’t really talked to me or responded in our group chat for a while.

Thoughts: I would think they are cutting me off. I’d also think that I did something wrong, and that’s why they must be hanging out without me.

Feelings: I’d feel horrible and anxious, and ultimately I’d feel like an unloveable friend.

Behavior: I would start to avoid them, and also not try to fix or figure out anything. I would just accept this, as it lines up with my worldview of being unloveable.

I don’t have the energy to write anything here.

Thoughts: There are two big trains of thought here: they could still like me and nothing changed, it’s just circumstance or some other reason why we haven’t hung out together yet. But also they could very reasonably not want to hang out with me anymore, and it could be for something I wouldn’t want to change. We are fairly different people, with different interests – I wouldn’t exactly want to compromise who I am to fit in with them more. I think I’ve thought about it enough that I would recognize if I made any big mistakes. And if I haven’t by now, I won’t be able to tell for sure anyway. Unless they explicitly let me know, I don’t think the mental self-harm of attacking every part of my personality would be a good plan. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but I don’t feel as devastated. I feel like this sucks, but life sucks sometimes and I think this is one of those things.

Behavior: I stop trying to force things I shouldn’t, and I start to move on. I think not having this group to fall back on will push me to find a new one where I feel more comfortable.

I got a bit sidetracked and googled some stuff. One thing I saw was a piece of advice on how to make meaningful friends, and the advice was fairly simple: stop hanging out with people you don’t want to hang out with. I think if I kept trying to shoehorn myself into this group of friends, I wouldn’t feel this horrible feeling. And without this horrible feeling, I wouldn’t push myself to try to meet new friends, who could be people I feel more comfortable with.

I think feeling this sadness and loneliness is going to be something important. I don’t think I’d be happy with the connections I had, so I will proceed without certainty and find new ones. I already made a good start with a new friend anyway!

I’m sorry that you’re going to feel pretty bad for a bit now, but sometime in the future, I think I’ll be thankful for this. I’m glad I’m facing the pain upfront at least here, as I can now tank this for future me. I love you, man. I hope you can look back and tell me it was worth it at some point. Love you. ♥