A relationship with food

I went on a long walk again today, and I started using my weighted ankles. I only used 2 bars on each side, so it was fairly light but still did start testing my endurance. I’ve been cutting for a bit over a month now, and while I am a lot more shredded and lean, I don’t necessarily think that it’s worth it. I don’t have a problem really doing either, gaining weight or losing it – as in I don’t mind it. But I do feel like the pros outweigh the cons for bulking instead.

I guess instead of DBT I’ll do some pro’s and con’s and somewhat justify the decision I’d like to make.

Pros of cutting:

Cons of cutting:

I guess in my eyes the big appeal of cutting is the last part – but I feel like to me that’s moot. I like the way I look in both aspects, for different reasons – but a “summer” body doesn’t apply to me as I spend my summers online or at some tech work internship. Me having a six-pack doesn’t matter there, does it?

I do think that being less prone to injury is a much better thing, as doing martial arts weekly and jiujitsu sparring has got me pretty beat up. I think I’d like to also have more energy from it.

I also want to get more into cooking in my free time, also because it is financially more responsible. I guess I’d also like to bake more often, I do enjoy baking but also I don’t like the feeling of my friends looking down on me in that aspect. I don’t need to prove anything to them, but I would like to show myself that I am fully capable and able to succeed in anything I put my mind to. So I guess I’d like to bake for myself. But also I wouldn’t mind if I was able to show S and L that I am more than they think, and not someone to look down on. But also I need to see the parallels to T and humble myself – I can only really let myself get drunk on this fantasy if I put in the work behind it and back it up. And I guess I know that a growth mindset is incredibly important, so a more responsible mindset would be that I want to get better and learn it.

I guess I’m kinda convinced in my mind that I want to bulk up. I want to say that this is from a healthy point, and not due to any sort of eating disorder or anything like that. I actually realized after my date with C that I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to say that I’ve had a brush with ED before, for the few weeks where I followed an extreme crash diet, that was more of a silly little experience more than the traumatic experiences I feel like I’ve heard from every woman I’ve talked to. I feel like it’s incredibly disrespectful and naive for me to say “Oh man yeah! I get it!” I don’t have any sort of trauma or negativity revolving around food, and I’m pretty rational in that department, even at my lowest. I don’t want to say anymore that I have any sort of experience with ED out of respect. I wouldn’t want someone to say the same things about my struggles.

I’m happy with myself for writing something with actual substance today, even if it’s tucked away at the end here. I hope I can eventually rewrite this blog in react as my own little project, as now is the perfect time to do that. I’m proud of you and I love you Karyios, goodnight!