An Open Letter

I was super excited today and I prepared everything I could think of to feel strong and good for deadlifts, but I still completely failed my top set. Not the end of the world, but I just wasn't feeling physically the greatest. I played basketball for a bit, but my shoulder was hurting so I couldn't really do much. I just left my spin class and I decided I wanted to actually write about it. It's a relatively small class meant for beginners, and I was the only person in the middle row. Usually the instructors near the beginning say good job to the front back and middle rows, and I'm pretty sure it's something they're supposed to do – but the instructor today said good job to the back row, then good job to the front row, and then that was it. That kind of ruined the rest of the class for me, and I kind of just got more and more sad. On one hand I know that it obviously feels pretty bad to be the only guy in the class, and to be trying your best and every single other person gets told good job – but I kept trying to remind myself to not attribute maliciousness to what could be ignorance. Maybe she just forgot. Or maybe she said it and I didn't hear it. Or maybe she felt a little bit weird saying it because I'm the only person in the middle row. Like I know logically there is no for her to single me out and that it wasn't something intentional. But at the same time even knowing that it still made me feel pretty bad. I kept trying to see it in different ways and reminding myself of these facts and even trying to force myself to smile to trick myself into being happier, but I just couldn't. I kept finding myself striving for that validation, like when she would say to Sprint I would Sprint hard – but the validation never came and I'm pretty sure she either forgot to say it, or already did and I just didn't hear it. But I still kept doing it. Near the end I sprinted so hard my right calf completely cramped, and I had to stop for a bit.

I keep coming back to the fact that it's probably not intentional, but that somehow doesn't make me feel any better about it. I know it means nothing also, but I still feel pretty sad about it. Like I don't really care about spin, but it's more the fact that I'm trying to push myself to do things outside of my comfort zone, and getting what feels like special treatment in a bad way. If there had been other people in my row I would have felt better, but since there weren't I just feel bad.