Acceptable burden

Heyo. I’m pretty tired, what about you? I went ahead and had two huge conversations regarding issues people have. That shit is exhausting, not to mention an anxiety attack not-so-neatly packaged up in several thousands of characters.

I’m pretty tired already so I don’t want to write too much, but I did want to journal a bit about a fairly cringe way I look at life:

Situation: I have some issues in relationships, and I can go out of my way and put in a lot of effort to try to open communication. This takes a big toll on me, and it isn’t always something I feel is reciprocated.

Thoughts: I could think how this is unfair, and how it is frustrating how for something that we both benefit from, I have to do the heavy lifting.

Feelings: I feel frustrated, I feel upset, and I feel like I am being unfairly treated. I also would feel resentment, as I would think things aren’t right.

Behavior: I would end up with more of a strain on myself than is necessary, and I would probably harbor resentment towards any sort of relationship because of this.

I think a more reasonable thing:

Thoughts: I am putting in this effort for my own sake. That’s it. The other person also does benefit, but I am doing this for me.

Feelings: I feel still tired, but I feel like this is now an act of self-care rather than something I am doing for someone else.

Behavior: I can probably do this more sustainably, and if this turns out to be more than I think is worth for myself, then I am comfortable stopping it.

(I don’t think this person is going to read this, but on the off chance the person I JUST texted thinks this is a subtweet at them, it is not)

I wrote on my graduation cap “It was for me”, if I remember correctly. The things I do can be appropriately selfish, I don’t need to do things for other people.

Stay strong, love you, Suman. ♥