An Open Letter

I even tried to go to bed early tonight. I guess I’ll keep this short, but I’m happy N came to dance today. It’s weird because N strikes me as a fake-nonchalant if that makes sense, she’s very nonchalant and doesn’t really acknowledge emotions and tries to be opaque with them, but I feel like that’s one of those coping mechanisms from having too many emotions under the surface and not understanding how to express them healthily. I’m a little bit worried that she is crushing on me, since every time I mentioned E and how I’m excited to ask her out she would have small shifts in her body language and demeanor. She also would make these comments that feel like she’s vying for my attention or approval, and I’ve been doing my best to correct that behavior without having to do so explicitly. I really hope that E doesn’t feel concerned at all because I absolutely want E and it’s no question, I want to just be platonic friends with N. I’m really thankful that my therapist gave the green light to ask her out soonish, since that means I can be explicitly clear without having to say it, but I can tell people how I have a girlfriend, and hopefully that lets them down easy. I think it’s such a weird change, I’m not used to being someone that people like, and crush over. J from dance kinda follows me around like a puppy and I’ve even explicitly told her I don’t want her to flirt with me, but I think she keeps trying to get me to like her, and it makes me uncomfortable. I also worry that N may also have a crush on me, which is not reciprocated and so I want her to move on in the case that’s true. Also, having other friends relatively recently show interest in me, it’s been such a weird change. I’ve worked on my garden so much that I attract all of these butterflies now, and I now have the (great?) problem of being worried that E may get anxious. I really hope I can be transparent enough that she feels comfortable and safe there. I can’t wait till she’s in my arms on Saturday, it’s going to be one of those nights where I don’t want to fall asleep but rather just stay conscious with her snuggled up to me.