An Open Letter

I woke up because I remembered that I forgot to write today. I got caught off guard by a video of her earlier today, and I deleted it from my files. I ended up going to my car for lunch and crying for the first half of it. I did feel better afterwards, I also did talk to a friend. I think at the end of the day it’s both a mixture of me stopping my abuse of something that was unhealthy but felt really good, and also stepping away from something that was good because there is much better waiting. Additionally this was a firework, in the sense that it was not something that would’ve been sustainable. And so like every firework, it needs to end. I really tried to intellectualize it in a lot of different ways, but at the end of the day it is just grief. We spent a lot of time together, and I would like to think that we made a lot of really nice memories. But at the same time we both were somewhat necessary stepping stones to each each other I think. I think it’s up to us as individuals to decide how many more stepping stones we need, and the way we control that is by learning as much as we can from the experience, and also minimizing the wrong conclusions that we draw. Like for example, part of me felt like oh I should not try to date another gamer. But that’s not true at all, it’s just not something I should necessarily optimize for. I also think that certain things that I felt like we were red flags in her should be things that I should avoid like the plague, like how she played Valorant. But speculation aside, she didn’t do anything bad because of that. I did make a new friend today, and I might be able to get into cosplay! It’s something I think fairly foreign and somewhat unexpected, but it is something that I’ve been wanting to try. I really want to make some costumes, and also I would love if I can engineer some stuff for them. I also got to play games with two really close friends which I always enjoy. It’s weird that I’ve gotten kind of used to this, as opposed to life with E. And I feel so much more stable and rooted, and not like my well-being and life depends so much on someone else that is volatile. I’ve also found myself in a lot of different ways, like I get to be really excited and sing along with things after the gym because I get to push myself hard enough. I get to do stupid things and just do that kind of laugh that I do by myself because of the realization of how fucking weird I am at times. I get to explore different creative projects, and ideas there without I guess filtering my thoughts through someone else. And it’s not like those things are necessarily horrible things either. But it is nice to have this solo time. And that’s not exactly something that I can fault her for, but just rather that I realize we both made this mistake with. And I would like to not make that mistake again in the future, and that way I can have something much more healthy and I wanna see what that love is like.