An Open Letter

I had a thought because I was scrolling through TikTok and I saw a video of that LARP battle Website. There was a kid in what looked like the Philippines that was showing off a collection of four supercars, and the comments were saying that their goal is to be rich enough that their kid can win those battles. And I think about a modern variation of the American dream to be able to afford these luxurious things and have super fancy toys, and it kind of reminded me how people talk about men that are happily married with a kid and they say that those men are truly rich. And I think to me both of those things very much have their appeals, honestly, I would rather have the happily married life. But I feel like my experience has been one of fairly strong negativity, in the sense that I genuinely feel like there is an easier and more direct path to the large amount of material wealth compared to finding that love story. I know that in the next few coming months, I will have my yearly performance review and I think there’s a pretty good chance that I end up making 200 K a year which is absolutely insane for being only one year out of college. I know that if I continue down the path I am on I believe that I will continue to rise and make more and more money. And I joke a little bit about it, but if I do not have a wife and kids, I will very much have that extra money to be able to pretty much do whatever I want. I am right now I would say roughly net even, without using my stock compensation. As my income grows more and more, I don’t really expect my lifestyle to creep proportionally, but then again I absolutely know that it can. But that being said I feel like I would be able to continue to go at this rate and if I didn’t have a wife and kids, I would be able to do things like buy fancy cars or stuff like that because anyway, I already have a house at an insane deal. And I think that is the biggest thing in life to save up for or purchase and with that out of the way, I have the rest to be comfortable with. And I guess it kind of makes me a little bit sad having to accept a life of lavish material things as a dream rather than a happy family, and something that doesn’t rely to some extent on the feeling of competition with others. I think the material things are heavily influenced by the social prestige that they give. And I know that I’m not really the kind of person to want something like that. I like the idea of being able to spend money, I think it would be really nice to not have to cut quarters and to be able to spend money on the things that I would love to, for example having a stylist and being able to buy nice clothing rather than trying to find deals where I can, and all of that, but at the same time, I understand that there really isn’t much a difference at the end of the day from the clothing itself. I also know that the idea of that whole race of trying to just show wealth without any value behind it like luxury clothing, or wasting money on stuff like bottle service that clubs is always something that kind of disgust me and I’m happy with that. I don’t want to live a life pressured by social appearances. But I guess I kind of wish that there is a more explicit way or path that I could go down to find that love story I’ve wanted since I was a kid. I’ve recently been thinking a little bit more about trying to work on my appearance even more, because I think that it is something that is pretty much your entrance in the door for talking with people or getting them interested in you. And when I think about my sense of value and my self-esteem regarding that, I understand that they are not necessarily things that you can see from a first impression maybe. Like if I was to approach someone at the gym it’s kind of hard to play to my strengths I guess in the same way that being more beautiful could. I also think that there is now this kind of pressure in my head about a future partner being someone that other people consider beautiful also. I think that a partner is a reflection of yourself and I understand that looks are not everything but very much is the first impression people get. I want people to see me as a success I guess. It’s weird because when I started that sentence, I realized that my desire for a partner to be someone people valued is me worrying about other people’s perception of me and to some extent, I am playing that whole social game. I guess it’s kind of hard to instantly change my perception of this, but maybe a perspective I could have is, I don’t need people to see me in Gucci or designer clothing, but I should still be well dressed in a style that adheres to me. There’s a certain point onwards where marginal improvements come at a huge cost, like the jump from random generic shirts to a good quality shirt with a design you like is much bigger than jumping to a designer shirt, but the cost drastically increases. And I think that’s the same for a relationship, I don’t need someone that would be insanely thirsted over online, but I would love it if people would see them and say wow yeah no she is beautiful or she is really attractive. And I’m not saying that is a necessity but I think that’s a reasonable goal to strive for. And I also think that there is two trains of thought of one, me being the same way to match my partner, but also there is the lens that I think there are a lot of different aspects of me that are incredibly exceptional and I don’t expect a partner in to match me in, and appearance this could be one of those things that I’m fine being on the better end of the deal for. But I also just don’t like this whole idea of a deal or value and I think those things get in the way of the real goal and so I’d rather just try to focus on improving myself for my own sake.