An Open Letter

Today really fucking sucked. I had to fucking grind League of Legends ranked which is already a miserable experience, all so I can make a stupid joke about getting my master's degree and masters in League of Legends. But also F messaged again, since he again did something shitty and we weren't really talking, and I showed him how I had an 80% win rate on Leona in D1 and he just kind of tried to neg me. Same with T yesterday in different contexts. It just fucking sucks that people can't be happy for me, and that this keeps happening somehow. I know that I'm the common factor and so it's something I can control, I guess; I hope.

I was able to hang out with J finally for the first time in a while online, because everyone has been so busy and I'm really happy for that and I loved talking with him and playing with him. But even after a few hours of that when it was time for us to part for the night I realized I still felt depressed. I got outside time, I ate food, I did things, I spent time with people, and I did things that I enjoy. And I was still miserable. M canceled plans because they had a really long day which is fully understandable, and things like that are things I would want to be able to understand and accommodate as a friend. But at the same time it also did make me sad because I was looking forward to seeing them I guess. And then the whole messy situation with R, and Instagram messages from B. I haven't really done this before but I just got overwhelmed today, and I just dismissed my notifications without responding to them. I told myself that eventually I will find the messages and respond. I just really needed that space I guess.

I went to the gym in my apartment to try to feel better, and it did help. I even ran for the first time in forever, and I ran a full mile. I didn't fully stretch and my abs were cramping for a while so I stopped it there but I'm pretty happy about that I guess, even though it was at a relatively slow pace. I sat down for a while, and then when I got up to stand my quads started cramping out of nowhere. It wasn't bad enough where I was debilitated, but it was extremely tense and walking I kept my legs completely extended. And then once I left the gym I realized I didn't have my bag on me, and that was right inside the door. With my key. Both to the apartment, but also the gym. I started panicking and I realized that it was 11, and there is no one anywhere nearby even in the pool. I had to leave the building and I used a pillow to prop open the door because otherwise I might not have been able to get in if I needed to again, and I just walked around the parking lot hoping I could see someone. I saw this teen guy and girl that were there a little bit earlier, but they were in a big group of teens and they were all speaking Russian and drifting their car that I think, and I was too nervous to ask. I just walked around the parking lot for more time until I saw a car, and I waved it down and thankfully the guy was nice and parked and then let me back in. When I got home I just wanted to cry. But I couldn't so instead I just sat down on the couch and watched YouTube to try to cheer myself up.

I feel so overwhelmed.