An Open Letter

I sent A a text for some closure, but also to ask about the last thing that was sitting on my mind. She just read the first text, and then never even opened the other one. The entire conversation was archived for me, so I wouldn’t be constantly reminded or tempted by it whenever I opened my texts.

I sat here not typing anything for a few minutes.

When she first broke my trust I asked her to do something to show me that she was able to think of me, as some kind of action to show that she meant what she was saying. She started to tell me how she had something she was going to give me that I could keep, and how I should give her credit for that – but she never told me what it was. Weeks passed, and it never came, and so once everything ended I’m left wondering if there actually was something. I suspect that it was something like some art project that she wanted to do like the painting she gave me for my birthday, but since it never came I feel like she didn’t actually do it, and that’s why she’s not responding to any of my messages.

I saw something on her story today and seeing her profile picture made me sad. Also I guess the fact that her life is just going on and I was ignored I guess. I think it’s maybe a good trait while also destructive for me to constantly have this optimism that people are able to do for me what I would hope – in this case that being have a proper closure conversation with me and to say the right things. I want to hear something like “I do care about you, but I also have too many other things going on in my life where I don’t feel like I can give you the time you deserve. I feel like I keep messing up, and I don’t know what to say or do, and it ends up just hurting both of us.” and then something along the lines of not seeing each other anymore. While writing that out, I realized how a lot of the core sentiments were captured in the texts she sent. And I got kinda stuck writing that text, because to me if someone was able to communicate with me about that I feel like I’d be able to communicate to them the parts that were hurting me. I find it hard to accept that the problem is that they could understand what I’m asking, and then just forget to ever do them. But also that may just be because they have too much other stuff happening in life, like other problems and stresses. While I’m under periods where I’m a mess and it feels like my life is falling apart it’s hard to be able to be present for someone else like that, and so I guess I can understand. Hurts for both of us for different reasons, but it’s what has to happen.

I hold no ill will against her. Maybe in another life we would have met at a different time, or she wouldn’t have had nearly as much on her plate and there would have been the space to communicate, and it could have been great. This makes me think of the quote, “every drink thrown in your face is one less what-if”, or at least the quote was something like that. I’m glad I found out this what-if, and if nothing else I learned so much more about myself in a relationship.