An ugly feeling
I hear their voice and hearing them talk to people reminds me of how they talk to me. My first gut reaction is being upset, which I think is irrational and weird, hence why I'm writing this right now to try to peel that away. Might as well cut to the chase here.
Situation: I hear friend at their job speaking to others and hitting it off with co-workers, who are also friends to them.
Thoughts: I feel the scarcity of love, and it feels like it's a statement of me being replaced or not good enough to be a friend.
Feelings: I feel a strong tightness in my chest, and it's threatening to just bottle all of this feeling down until I don't want to go past here anymore.
Behavior: I fight a battle that doesn't exist and I just hurt myself.
Thoughts: For example A, I barely talk with him anymore but if I was able to get a job with him I'd be so fucking happy. Or if I had a weekly thing with him that'd be amazing. But I don't, and that doesn't have anything to do with him – I still love him. I'd rather make the most of the proximity that arises rather than be bitter and misinterpret the absences of it. Holy bar.
Feelings: I still feel a residual pain, but that's to be expected since this is a horribly longstanding scar that scarcity of love well attributes. I feel like I've taken off the weights I've placed on myself and covered up.
Behavior: I enjoy the time I have, and I fight circumstances to get closer to a healthy attachment style.
That actually helped a lot, thank you CBT. I texted A and purposefully just didn't text about anything in particular, just to talk. V has reminded me you can just is that. All right time to distract myself and reset before breakfast!