An Open Letter

I again fell into the cycle again. I started to hurt pretty badly and I went on a walk and I talked with an LLM to try to process things a little bit more. But again with some help I realized that I’m continuing to fall into the cycle of intellectualizing things to give myself some kind of control and to give myself a way out of feeling what I’m feeling. But at the end of the day I just need to accept grief in some ways.

One thing I realized was that I kind of didn’t really know her. I also think she didn’t really know her. She has gone through a lot of relationships and had told me several times in the past how she didn’t like how a lot of the parts of her personality or interests were adapted from past partners. And I kind of realized also how I imparted some of those things in her. I know that we are somewhat a mosaic of all the people we’ve met through our lives, but I think there’s more of a mosaic of others than herself. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that growing up she didn’t have much independence, and her parents controlled a lot of stuff for her and she didn’t have much of a say. I think she’s very impressionable in a lot of different ways, and I think that something she’s kind of learned how her own individuality isn’t necessarily a priority but rather appeasement and following instructions, even if they weren’t given.

But again that’s me intellectualizing things, and of course I want to caveat that I don’t know if I’m right and I never will. But it does hurt to think about the fact that I felt in love with someone that might never exist again. If I was to interact with her now, I don’t think she would be the person that she was while she was with me. I don’t know if I would recognize her. And I guess I don’t really know if I even fell in love with another person in that sense, because what is there that existed before me? She wouldn’t want to share her music or her interests even when I would ask, and I realize she really did behave like a blank slate without me asking her to. I remember because I would mention how crazy it was that all of these different things she is a fan of or on board with, and I guess I considered that as compatibility. But I don’t think that’s compatibility, it’s more things like shared values and those aren’t necessarily things she would copy as easily. I got some good advice from my friend that essentially all I can do is really just move on. But it does feel like in a way I was tricked, through no bad intention of her, I never got to know her. And I also don’t think that she’s really gotten to know herself, and it’s a really strange thing. It’s kind of scary how we repeat a lot of the patterns from our childhoods.

Another thing I realized is how I don’t even know if she loved me, or if I just conflated it as love. I know that growing up I didn’t really receive much love at all, and it’s something where little scraps or shreds feel so incredibly heavy to me. And I think that the cycle of her doing something hurtful or damaging, me doing the same thing I didn’t childhood of trying to fix the situation by taking accountability and blame, and then her apologizing in response to that and promising that she would change for the better for my sake. And in those moments I would feel really loved, but I don’t think that’s love and I don’t think that’s safety either. I think because I grew up neglected I don’t really have a great perception on what love actually is, but when I think about it and I think about caring a lot about your partners well-being, wanting the best for them and so forth I don’t think her actions lineup with that at all. I understand that at certain moments she would be very sweet, but I also understand that it’s a lot of the moments she would be very harmful to me. And I think we both spent a lot of time together where we were able to use chemicals released by our brains as patchwork for the problems that existed, and I think I need to reconcile both of the versions of her in my head. I think she did love me in ways, but I also don’t think that it was a true form of love. I think there were too many moments where she did stuff that would hurt me and more importantly she wouldn’t apologize or she wouldn’t try to take accountability or heal the damage it was more trying to avoid accountability and shame from that. I think we both chased the feeling that we got when we were together, and the potential of not having to search any more in the future and finally finding the person you actually are meant to be with. But I don’t think we were each other‘s person for that. We have a lot of fundamental differences, and incompatibilities. There’s a lot of a gap between us that cannot really be fixed, and it’s not necessarily a problem but it was a problem to her. I think also for me, there are a lot of things that I wouldn’t want from her in the partner I would dream of. I wouldn’t want someone who could so casually hurt me or disregard my boundaries, and also not recognize or proactively apologize for things without me having to beg or ask constantly. I would also want someone whose more fleshed out as an individual, and that can enrich my life rather than me just teaching things. We accept the love that we think we deserve. I think that’s something I need to understand, that I don’t currently believe that I am that deserving of love, otherwise I would not have stayed in that relationship and dove in so aggressively. I think I truly do need to be content being single again, and I think I was before, but after moving and losing a lot of stability and social connections that’s something I need to foster. It might not be immediate, and it might not be easy or guaranteed, but I do believe that I can build a life with a rich social network. And I believe so because I know that given nothing as a starting point I have been able to teach myself and learn and fight for so many beautiful things in this world. I am beyond capable and if I put my mind to things I know that I can do them. And so I will. There is the life that I’ve always wanted to live, and I will make it mine.