And the ugly + proof
Fuck the pattern I had so far, I am filled with too much right now. I hope no one sees how hard I’ve worked and how much I’ve done to change who I am as a person, just because of how much I wish someone did see. I hope no one ever sees the sheer amount of things I’ve written down for therapy or tried to research, or the hours I’ve spent talking to myself trying to change for the better. You know what? Fuck it. Until I regret it take a look at how hard I’ve worked.
This is less than a year of what I’ve been writing down for therapy (excluding recent weeks for privacy), which I’ve been constantly doing for about four years now. I don’t think the people around me understand how fucking HARD I’ve fought change. I’ve faced and tried to tackle everything under the sun, and this doesn’t even show the amount of effort and work I’ve put into trying to change them.
I’ve never had someone try to go out of their way to help me or fix my life for me. I’ve clawed myself out of this pit one arm at a time. I don’t think they’ve known how many times I’ve fallen. How many times I’ve broken down. How many times I’ve had to force myself to just get out of bed. How many times I’ve considered or even tried to commit suicide.
I don’t give a fuck if I grew up neglected, or if I was taken advantage of sexually as a child, or the various other things that have happened to me. I will fight not like, but BECAUSE my life depends on it.
I wish they could see how much I have to consciously do. God, I think if someone sees how hard I work or how hard I fight they’d go blind from the glow.