An Open Letter

I realized why I shut down. I also realized I have only really done this around A, and my mother. It feels like every time this happens, it's because there's something important I want to say but I don't feel like I can. Like I feel like it's something I'm just not safe to say, or something that would be overall bad to. And so I just have to bite my tongue. And then I don't want to forget that thought because it is important, but I can't let go of it either. And so I just stop talking, and I hope that they will give me a chance to say it. But then the chance doesn't come, and eventually I just accept it and then withdraw into my thoughts. I don't like it, and I wish I didn't have to. I don't know if it's because of growing up in a household where I had to control someone else's emotions for them, or if it's because that's the situation I feel like I'm in again. I get jealous of the people that can just say what they want without caring about the consequences.