An Open Letter

If I’m being honest with my feelings right now, I kinda feel like A is not that interested in understanding me. Our conversations recently have felt like I’ve learned a lot about her and it’s been very explicit and clear about my effort, and it hasn’t really felt reciprocated. I put out hooks or proactively mention things, but they are kinda ignored and it makes me feel dejected.

I think I have a longing for forms of expression, in so many different ways. I sometimes dream about things as abstract as movement in a video game smooth enough, or the ability to have my body move in such fluid ways it’s almost like music. It’s also the exact same thing with music directly. If I could play music so purely from the heart, I could express or say the things I can’t otherwise. I think I’ve been beat down enough in my childhood for expressing myself, but those experiences never tainted these other forms. I wish I could play just automatically from the soul, but a close second is playing songs that capture feelings I want to express. That’s why I play a lot of sad or grungy songs, since even though I’m not always a sad or angsty person, whenever those feelings pass through me they get blocked and jam up, since I don’t really have the facilities to let them out as well as I’d hope.

It does feel like a constriction on my chest when I think about how much A must know about me, since I think it’s not really that much. I wish I had more curiosity for it. I will say that she has asked me a few questions here and there, but there are plenty of places where it feels like me leaving out hooks get disregarded. I know that this is something that hits pretty deeply for me, since growing up I was neglected and it still feels like my family doesn’t know who I am at all, since I always had to front with them in all different sorts of ways. And I honestly feel like crying when I think about repeating that cycle if I have a choice to avoid it. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I can communicate this probably, and I can ask for more curiosity, but at least for now I just want to express these feelings and let them out in some way or another.

I find myself so drained so quickly in this conversation, since it feels like I’m supposed to constantly push and ask more and more but I guess I recognize in a way that maybe this is on me, and it’s fully ok for me to let the conversation die. It is just a text thread after all.

I remember in my last relationship I felt seen at some points, since I felt she was interested and curious about me, and I was able to share and open up. But at the same time those things that I opened up about were either disregarded or used against me, and I named my shoegaze playlist after that: “What does it imply if being seen is violence”. It’s a mixture of several different quotes, how being loved is to be seen, and the wording from “once I watered a plant too much I killed it. Lord I worry love is violence.” I don’t really know what I would do if I’m doomed to this, of not being seen or being seen existing in only violent places. I may be able to find peace in myself, but I wish I didn’t have to do that.

I feel like I’ve stumbled across a thought that captures something well — part of me feels like it dies and drains when I’m around friends or other people since portions of me atrophy. I am a person filled with SO much, and I understand that it’s not that everyone can view that or see it, but at the same time I feel like I need some trellis for those portions of me to grow and cling onto, at risk of otherwise disappearing. And so I cling on so very tightly, each different strain screaming “I exist”. I feel suffocated talking to A like this, since it feels like all those other parts of me are hidden from the sunlight, and each time I try to bring them to the light it gets packed back down by their person. I feel myself withdraw a bit into myself, to try to preserve the person I’ve carefully raised in the dark in that childhood home. I really treasure that child and all of the weird socially unacceptable things that I am the sum of.

Might as well do it, solely because it keeps popping into my head and I want to not do it.

Situation: I have learned a lot about A in the last few days, and I have put in visible effort to get to know her more, but that has not felt reciprocated.

Thoughts: I guess this is just how she is as a person, and she just likes to talk about herself but she isn’t actually interested in getting to know me. Even if I ask her to be more curious it would be artificial and something that just temporarily changes things before they ease back into their baseline.

Feelings: I feel hollowed out, dejected, resigned, and like giving up.

Behavior: I pull away, stop trying, and ruin a potentially great relationship.

Thoughts: It has been only two days, and also she has asked a few questions. I also know that I am very good at asking questions and getting another person to talk about themselves, and so it may not be fair. Also she may think that I don’t like questions or stuff like that, or not be familiar with my preferences in communication and sharing.

Feelings: I do feel tired and still dejected, but I feel like this is a temporary feeling to just process then step through. I do feel like I have some agency, maybe not in being able to change the dynamic, but at least finding out what she is comfortable sustaining in terms of curiosity.

Behavior: I do take a bit more space today, and I guess maybe this has a nice little consequence of taking things just a little bit slower. I do prepare a way to maybe bring this up at some point after I have been able to regulate my emotions a bit more.

Trying out the principles of NVC:

Observation – I noticed I feel as if I’ve been asking more questions than I’ve been receiving.

Feelings – That makes me feel a bit dejected and insignificant.

Needs – I highly value curiosity in a relationship, as being seen is a big need for me.

Request – How do you feel about asking more questions to try to paint a better picture of who I am in your mind?