An Open Letter

All things considered, I couldn’t cry too much. I was trying to but I just ran out of tears pretty quick. I even listened to Radiohead. I had some brutal dreams last night and it was really hard for me to sleep because I was conscious, and I went to a comedy show in San Jose that was hosted by one of her uncles that really liked me and I really liked them. I saw her there and she looked so much different, she was way slimmer and I could tell it was her but she looked like a different person. I was shocked by it and told her that’s incredible, and she said it was thanks to the gym and she does give me that credit. We talked a little bit and she apologized really well like she usually does. Things were tense but it scared me because it felt like we could get back together. Like there weren’t a huge big problems that she used to have and I had that hope again. But then her uncle started his show and for some reason it fully revolved around me, and he just really dug into me without knowing I was in the crowd, and all of the information was stuff that must’ve come from her side of the story. She painted me in such a horrible light and lied about things, saying how I was physically abusive, and a horrible person, and it just tore me up to see that. When I tried to talk with her about it and ask her what she’s talking about, because I was never at all in any way physically aggressive or anything like that, she shut down and started to get mad and aggressive, and I was desperate because I’m being falsely accused and it’s a full crowd of people and I never get to say my side of the story, and these people and everyone else she has talked to or influenced will think I’m some kind of a monster. And the only person that can really undo that would be her if she was to tell her uncle that she wasn’t fully telling the truth and that I wasn’t all of those things that she said. And she got defensive and shut down and I couldn’t say anything to her. Things just kept escalating whenever I would try to get her to understand how fucked up it is. And I eventually woke up, but that feeling of her doing something horrible, and then me being hurt by it, and finally her getting defensive and aggressive whenever I try to express that I am hurt. The only thing I learned I could do was apologize and act like it didn’t hurt that badly, and try to gently get her to care by giving it in much smaller bite-size pieces. But she would just avoid it and she never took accountability for the things that she did. And those things just kept hurting me, like a wound left to rot. And that dream was horribly painful along with another dream of her creating a group chat with her mom at the start of my workday saying something like we need to talk. And her mom sending a text like you’re gonna get it. And then her just typing and keeping me trapped in that limbo at the start of my workday without respecting the fact that likely it is a miscommunication, because every time that she did something like that it was something that eventually she would recognize as not a valid thing, and something that she would eventually apologize for. But that doesn’t change the fact that in the moment she would accelerate shit and interfere with my life and my work, and my friends and so forth.

Her emotions would swing so violently that it would go completely out of her control and she would do not just self-destructive things, but things that would also destroy me. Like her coming into my house and recording me while I’m crying and bringing over people that wanted to steal shit. The fact that she was that volatile, and consistently through the relationship would do volatile things. That is such a fucking insane thing to put someone else through. And the fact that she consistently keeps jumping between relationships to try to patch these holes in her life that she doesn’t feel like she can actually address just keeps her trapped in this cycle. I think that she is currently at the developmental state and level of proficiency that she is now because of this, because of the fact that she does not take accountability for her own life and keep avoiding the things that are painful, but are necessary to make your life one that’s worth living. Like I don’t think you can get into a proper relationship if you don’t develop yourself as a person enough and learn how to heal the wounds that everyone comes with in different ways. And it sucks because I think she did learn how to love bomb, and how to keep someone, but at the same time she does not no the rest of the things necessary for a relationship which is why they keep inevitably ending. But either way that doesn’t matter to me. Because she is no longer someone that has control over my life or influence over it. I can wish her the best, and hope that things get better for her, but I am no longer responsible or tied to her to the point where I would feel like her caretaker or responsible for her well-being or improvement. I’m very grateful that I was able to get her into the gym in a way that she enjoys, because I think that is a very healthy outlet and helpful for life overall, and I’m also very grateful that because of me she is now in weekly therapy (unless she quit). I think I’ve done more than enough in terms of what is reasonable for a relationship, and I have given her the tools, and so there is no guilt on my conscience. But I think these are all just different ways of me trying to figure out how to prioritize myself over her. Because I should be concerned about my well-being more than I should be about hers.