An Open Letter

I just landed in San Jose. I’m right now in the place where I dropped off the car after my road trip with E up for thanksgiving. It really did feel like we were locked in, didn’t it? Two months in and I met her family and joined them for thanksgiving. They even threw me a surprise birthday party. God, this grief threatens to swallow me whole in this Avis line. It was right outside this building where I met her mom for the first time. That was the first time I met a partners parent.

I remember after the first breakup her mom told me that she thinks I’m a good guy, but this early on you shouldn’t be having this many problems. And she’s right, and she didn’t try to change my mind, since honestly I was so blinded and committed to the idea of making it work I wouldn’t have accepted it. But she was completely right.

I know there will be other wonderful parents to meet in the future and thanksgivings to be had. I miss the week I spent here with them all. The things we did together, it felt like I was added to their family already. E talked so much about marriage, I had written down and remembered what kind of gem she would want in her ring. Where do I put “ruby” in my memory now? God I really loved E. I kept beating myself up thinking about how I could have been better for her, and for us. If somehow I could have done enough to make it work out happily ever after. We fucking talked about kids, so much. I thought about marrying her sooner so that my work insurance could cover her IVF due to her genetic condition. She would cry sometimes about how expensive and scary it was, and I would do my best to comfort her. I’d tell her how it means nothing if it means being able to have a kid (the cost). I know she wanted a very nice quality of life and I resigned myself to possibly sacrificing parts of me to climb the corporate ladder enough to pay for it all.

I remember early early into just dating she told me how she wanted someone without commitment issues, since I later found out she had just ended a situationship. Within a few days we started dating and it was intense and fast. I think she had a hole in her heart from the last relationship and I came and instantly filled it back, picking up where it was left off.

Either way there’s a ton of E shaped holes left in me. And one of these holes is this rental car pickup line. I remember who I was when I was waiting to meet her mom in person finally. God, her dog Cooper, and her cat Fiona. Fiona was supposed to move in with me, and I love that cat. And that cat really loves me, and same with Coops. I remember how beautiful their Christmas tree was. Having a heart to heart talk with her mom while she lay asleep on the couch. Talking about our 24 hour first date.

It’s bad but my brain keeps wanting to call her my baby. My girl. And she’s not.