An Open Letter

Hey. I'm not fully sure why I can't bring this up – I guess because I don't feel like it will change. I also don't think you would take this well, so here I am writing another post. I find it hard to write this down, as I'm setting myself up to look like an idiot again.

For a while, you treated me like a close friend. But also for a while you've treated me like an acquaintance. I don't know if this was because something was going on with you, but either way you never told me. You would do things and say things that would constantly make me feel insecure for thinking we were close. And whenever I would start to pull back to match that level, you would say something to make me think I was crazy and that we are close. It might be on me for giving so many chances, but at the end of the day I somehow constantly keep feeling like a friend that you are just stringing along.

I feel like there's a good chance that this is not something you intentionally do. You again said some very nice things that made me think that you value me as a friend. You also stayed in my apartment for a long time. But you still make it incredibly painful for me to bring up whenever you do something that hurts me. And on top of it, it is somehow always my burden to initiate that conversation. One of the only things that I've asked of you was to initiate a conversation like that. You never did, even after reminders.

I don't think you're a bad friend, but a lot of the times you'll do things that will hurt me or that are ignorant. But the problem is I can't bring up anything like that to you, and you never ask to check. I start to feel like shit whenever I think about you because all I can think about is the unresolved issues, that I have no place to put down.

I've said this several times, that anger is grief in a trench coat. The trench coat is coming off a little bit here. I wish you would step a little bit out of your world and do the things that are hard sometimes. You always blame yourself and are quick to jump to the conclusion that you are just a horrible person. I don't think you are. But I think that fear makes you avoid those difficult conversations. But that just puts the pain onto other people. I wish you were able to face what I have to say.