An Open Letter

Hey E. Well the concept of you; hi E’s concept.

I’m at the gym and I see a lot of things that still remind me of you. I saw someone with pants that reminded me of you. I heard someone say Bulgarian split squats and I thought of you. Yknow I train glutes every leg day now? Just for fun. I don’t really do split squats though. Someone has a shirt that’s your name except it starts with Ew, weird how many things remind me of you. I think I’m hitting the point where I can forgive and not forget. I can let you go, but still enjoy the good memories. A lot of the grief and pain has come and it still will be for a while. Yknow I recorded a video every day? That’s how I know today’s day 23. I looked at a few photos of us today because they showed up when I searched up something. I still think you look beautiful, but as a memory sadly. I do miss you in some ways, but also I know we are not meant for each other. Maybe we would have been in several years from now but then again that’s not reality and so there’s nothing to think about.

I’m really glad I got to forge so many memories with you. Yknow there’s a Mazda dealership near my house? It’ll suck that you aren’t in my life, since we would have beat the fuck out of each other so much. I really loved our punch game. There’s a lot of things that I’ll miss because the next person won’t have, and it’s a lie for me to think that I can just find a version of you that doesn’t have the issues. Because you are you, and I need to mourn the fact that a lot of the good things are gone. That’s the cost of a lot of the bad things also being gone. I think a lot from your perspective, and I do worry that you’ve moved on or refuse to see things from my side if I’m being honest. But I remind myself that it doesn’t matter anymore. Part of it is also hoping that you got to learn as much as I got to from this relationship. I think you are a good person, just with things that cause issues, and those things can all be fixed. I hope you cry less and feel more in control. I hope therapy helps you as much as it helps me! I am sorry for both of us on how we had to get there. It’s such a strange thing to just sit with grief and let it happen. Yknow it hurts me to even look on your region of the map? You’ve temporarily claimed a huge part of the city lol. I also do know you loved me a lot. It’s hard but I’m learning to sit with that in addition to the bad, and to reconcile those two things. I still have the shower markers sitting in my bathroom drawer. And the soap you got me. I sometimes get ads for the nightlights you had at my place, and I scroll past them quickly. I cry in my car fairly often during my lunch breaks nowadays. I do thank you for helping me with being more comfortable crying funnily enough. A call me karizzma album keeps getting recommended to me on Spotify and I finally got it to stop because I thought he was slop lol. But I hope you fuck with the album. I wonder if you go to the concert you were thinking of. I do hope you remember love when you think of me, and remember that I did love you, even if we hurt each other. I guess the same way you’re hurt but I didn’t mean to, somewhat the same. You did love me, and you didn’t mean to hurt me but it did happen. And I can both be hurt by you, and also not hold a grudge against you for it. My grudge is freed by not being with you anymore unfortunately, but I don’t need to hope for something to change. I do feel like crying which is unfortunate because I’m at the gym right now. I hope your 24 hour fitness is nice. And I hope you get a plate benchpress. That’d genuinely be insane. And I hope I never hear about it.