An Open Letter

I looked at my blocked list on Instagram because of the girl yesterday, and I saw my ex there. I saw that she had a new profile picture, and it was her kind of flexing in the mirror and since I introduced her to the gym, I was curious and so I clicked on it to see it bigger, and I don’t miss her, which is good. I also did see in her bio that she has a boyfriend I think now. The name was a little bit ambiguous, but she was adamant that she was straight but who knows. I clicked away pretty quick after seeing that because I just saw it in the bio the text with a heart, like she used to have for me. And to be completely honest, that hurt to see. I’m not honestly completely sure why it does, at least past the immediate obvious feeling that she has moved on. Or at least moved on enough to start a relationship with someone else, and I guess nothing is wrong with that for several different reasons. One is for the fact that I have been dating for a while, and a part of me also thinks that she probably did not really process to break up the same way I did, and there will be a lot of stuff unresolved there. But that’s kind of a bitter way of looking at it, and I would rather focus on the other part of me which thinks that I’m happy for her, because I do hope the best for her. I think she was a good person like most people are, just has childhood scars and toxic patterns that need to be learned from, and I am one of the stepping stones, the same way she is for me. I also think that there is some amount of paying that comes from the fact that she entered a new relationship sooner than I did. Part of me hoped that I would enter one first, and when I think about any specific reasons why I wanted that there is nothing real that comes to mind. I think it is one of the surface level thoughts that exists just there. At least to preserve my ego or whatever wanted that in the first place, I can tell myself that I did have several dates, and more people who have been interested in me. I know that I very easily could enter into a relationship if I wanted to the question is the quality of relationship, and how willing I am to hold out to wait for something great. I’m kind of saying this I guess just vent and to get it hopefully these thoughts out of my head, but I think about how my exes previous relationships have been not great people, how she has called them bums and they have been incredibly unsavory. I think if it was just a competition about entering relationship like that, I would be able to, but additionally, she does have the part about being a woman, especially in Mail dominated fields like gaming and the whole people pleasing portion to her advantage. But either way, I’m still very confident in myself as a person and I have only heard resoundingly good things from friends and other people about my desirability as a partner. I know, and I would like to remind myself that I am exceptional, and I am a catch, I think the thing that kind of plagues me is the fact that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I think I am the kind of person that doesn’t strictly adhere to suicidal norms, and for some people, this is exactly what they are looking for and a dream to them. But also to other people, it might gross them out and much more traditionally, masculine or less expressive, or not as emotionally opinionated. And I also know that what I’m looking for is arguably equally as strange. And because of this, it will take me much more time to find someone. And I think to some extent I don’t really have as much of a choice about it, sometimes I think about if I wish I was more boring or normal, and then I would be happy with any form of vanilla ice cream rather than a specific flavor that I really enjoy. But I think that the difficulty is what makes it sweeter. I think the thing that kind of scares me a little bit is how aware I’ve become recently that the type of person that I look for isn’t really related to someone that is emotionally healthy. And I know that by virtue of myself existing nothing is impossible, because I would like to find someone who is like me. But I feel a little bit scared because I think that I am one of those people that beat the odds, and to be fair I still do have a good amount of issues and I think things that aren’t favorable, and it’s not like this is perfect, but I think that because of the childhood that I have and the kind of upbringing I had, I have become a weird or strange person. And I think that since I have spent a lot of time working on these things, I end up being able to reap the benefits without the drawback as much. I almost think of it like a incredibly large and heavy sword, it is absolutely a disadvantage until you become strong enough to wield it properly. And I guess maybe there is some inherent form of value based thinking rooting behind this worry of not being able to find someone that matches me in that sense. Because maybe at the end of the day, I don’t need someone to match me. I need someone to be good in an independent valuation. I kind of think about how with friends I really don’t worry about any kind of notion of value at all, the things I look for are consistency, how friendly they are, and how much I’m able to interact with them. And if I think about it, I have so many different friends some that are absolutely incredible people and some that are struggling in life. And I’ve never really given any thought to this or prioritized one over the other, and I wonder if there’s any merit to the same thing for relationships. I think immediately my answer is no at first because of the fact that with partner you’re choosing just one person, and there is an absolute opportunity cost of losing out on potential other partners. Additionally, I do believe that a partner is to some extent a reflection of you and a reflection of how you view yourself. And I also think it’s a reflection of how other people view you. I think about friends who stay in relationships because they’re afraid of being alone and they’re with unsavory people, and I do feel like in my head that paints them in the negative anxious light. And when I think about seeing people online that have incredible partners, I think of them as confident and desirable because there must’ve been something the other person saw. I almost feel in a weird way like it’s a piece of clothing, the same person can look different with different pieces of clothing and I guess to some extent partner is self expression. But of course, a partner is way more than an aesthetic thing, I think Wen people have a partner that is kind of shitty or they do bad things, it reflects on them for putting up with it and staying, and when I think about people that have partners that do incredibly kind and loving things or sweet things and are all around good people at least from my view, I view that person better. And I also think that completely observation aside, you want to have a good partner because you deserve to have good things. And part of me feels like I have done a lot of work by myself, and I have ended up building a life that I am very proud of, and I think I am incredibly desirable, at least to myself. I guess I’ve already kind of got the fallacy if they thank you, but I was going to say that it feels like I have done all of this work, and I deserve to have a good partner as a result of that, because otherwise the work would’ve been for waste. But I think a partner in our ability is parking for sure, but at the end of the day, the improvements to my life and the richness and these positive things were done for me. And I do feel like I am OK completely without a partner. It does suck not being able to have sex with someone you fully trust, but at the same time, I don’t need to worry about my partner, potentially feeling hurt or insecure by one of my actions. I have my emotional stability, independent of others and rooted in my support network rather than heavily in one other person, I have flexibility and freedom with the things I want to do, I have hope which is a pretty nice thing because I think there is a certain sense of dread with a relationship and it’s the fear of losing something rather than the hope of getting something. And I think that ultimately at the end of today life always has its way of making sure everyone drinks, their fair share of misery from its glass. A relationship to solve some problems and introduce some others. And almost more importantly, a bad relationship would do more harm than good. I do feel better after going on this walk and talking about this. Thank you for giving that.