An Open Letter

I watched the movie and it brought me to the verge of tears several times, and at one point I finally shed a tear. One singular tear lol. I was really trying my best to cry but that was the most I was able to get out. I really loved the movie, not necessarily because it was written or anything like that but I think just because of the experience as a whole.

I will say however afterwards I kind of got hit by a combo attack of small little grief waves. Attack on Titan with something I started re-watching finally because I was watching it with E. And I thought about how cool of an experience it would’ve been for her to watch the movie. One of the things we talked about while breaking up was that she didn’t know what episode we were on and that was one of the things I told her over text. The movie theater we were at was also one in the same complex with the Barnes & Noble‘s that we had a date at, where she then had a scare about her vision and so I rushed her to her specialist doctor and waited with her for four hours keeping her spirits up and calming her down. throughout the whole process I kept her mom constantly updated, and wrote down notes that the doctors said. I remember a month or two after our break up in my phone I saw the contact saved for her specialist and I deleted it. While driving out of the complex I saw Pick Up Stix, which became her favorite food place according to her, and we would go there and get a big plate to share together. I remember one time after a fight we went there and she apologized after I had de-escalated everything. We got fortune cookies and the fortune that I got was you will find great success in romance, and I took a picture of her with that cookie. I remember sending that photo to her mom, and at Christmas time I got a custom ornament with that photo. She loved it so much and I loved it even more. I remember thinking about how every year we would be able to have a new ornament together. And finally while driving away I passed our food place, where we would go together get Chinese food and then watch a video together on my phone. That’s where we watched several attack on Titan episodes. And we would cuddle up together in the little booth. And I didn’t really have the heart to go back there since then.

It didn’t help that I was leaving the theater after having cried a little bit and trying to push myself to be in that headspace, but it didn’t actually hurt me that much. I still remember her face but I don’t really remember super well the other parts which does help. I don’t want to really remember either. And it does hurt, but like a dull aching pain that could quickly be ignored. And I hope that it’s been long enough that these grief progress bars have been mostly filled up already.

Honestly the biggest thing that I feel is guilt for thinking so much about wanting to date again, and being open to that – while I’m still getting some of the glitter out of my mind. But I try to be kind to myself and remind myself that little pieces of that glitter are always going to be there, and it’s not like I’m necessarily missing her or that I would want to reach back out or anything like that. But it’s more just acknowledging the lack of what was once good memories. And that’s completely OK that’s part of the process of grief.