An Open Letter

I don’t know if this is a post that I want people reading. I am using the most dangerous writing thing so I actually put down what I want to say without bottling up like I normally kind of do. Or for this medium that usually takes the form of pulling punches and keeping things in the lense of being observed but I don't really want to do that today. I'm pretty sick and tired and it's probably not helping how I've been listening to the same angry song for the last few hours. I finally changed the song to OK – Cleopatrick, which has even more energy so maybe that'll bias all the things I have to say, and finally for the last pathetic disclaimer I don't know if I fully stand by what I say tomorrow morning. I just want to let this out somewhere.

I think I'm kinda sick of S and L. Not of them, but rather of me thinking of them as my closest friends, or close friends for that matter. I feel a bit upset at myself because I saw the concern and problem early on when S and I were talking about how we both have less friends, but much closer intimate ones. The problem with that that I've had to learn over and over again is what you do when they aren't there in that same way anymore. S has replaced me with either other people that she already knows, or with the new people from her work, or volunteering, or other classes. I wanted to think that I was someone that was important enough to her to actually put in the effort to maintain but I guess it's another one of those friendships of convenience. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm upset at myself for thinking otherwise. I am going to move on and start from scratch, AGAIN. I know that I can't be upset at them for what happens as this is normal and more importantly in my own selfish view I want to be a friend that is low effort and is fine with things like this. And so for that I just cannot put trust in them in that way. I'm really mad at mostly myself, since I'm the one who told myself that this was different and I didn't actually foster the rest of my social networks. Since I'm sitting here in this weird stupid middle ground of 2 extra years for my masters, I just haven't fostered the relationships that I wish I did. And because of that I'm now here, and I'm back at square one. I got to call V today this morning and I'm really happy I got to talk with him again. I envy him for how social he is, but also I remember when I put myself in that position how overwhelming it is and how I don't like being so dragged in multiple different directions. But right now I'm a bit starved, so time to get over this shit.

S just sent a text and it lined up with the part of the song that fires all of the parts of my brain to be angry. I'm so excited for tomorrow because I'm going to put so much rage into martial arts and the gym right after. I feel myself teetering between feeling like shit for being alone in this way, especially with all of the Halloween parties and stuff. I didn't actually try to got to any or prepare for any and so I end up left out since S is instead going with new friends I guess. And so now I just hate myself for leaving myself in this situation, and for kinda implicitly hoping that S would invite me to parties the same way I would invite her last year. But no. I'm fucking mad at myself, and I want to say I'm mad at her but I don't want to put any blame on anyone else but me. This way at least I can say I control it. But at the same time fuck. I feel like shit for so long just watching everyone go by with friends or with other people to these costume parties and then this eventually boils over until the god complex and ego kicks in. I'm happy that all of these people get stunted on by me. I'm happy that today in the tournament my random team asked me to join, and the team that lost every single game vs the team that won every game gets fucking hard stomped because of me. I am that difference, even though we were still hard outmatched on paper. I'm glad that that team felt miserable and upset afterward. I'm also glad that I'm better academically than all of the people I compare myself to. I am so fucking painfully happy that K wants to compare himself to me academically because I know he won't and he can't. I refuse to ever let the gap between us ever get lower, and so I'm so fucking happy because I see him being social and with his group of people. I'm upset how “simple” he is sometimes, and how easily he gets along with other people, by making these stupid mistakes over and over again with a group. I'm upset at my parents and my childhood for making me this way. I've had to grow up in this stupid isolating experience where I can't relate to others and as a result I've ended up this angry mess of a child that just wants to mourn what they don't have I guess. I'm happy when I blast past people in my new $60k car. I'm happy when people are envious or jealous of the money I have. I'm happy when people are jealous of the body I have or the things that I can do. I'm happy because I am so fucking jealous of them. I wish I had a community that wasn't separated by hundreds of fucking miles and countries for fucks sake. I wish I grew up with friends around my age instead of the friends I love so much I have right now. I wish I was able to see my friends, touch them, hang out with them and just not be fucking alone in this apartment all the time. I don't know if I'm the most unlucky person alive or if I just am so fucking different from all of these people I've been roommates with. Part of me wishes I got a chance to room with J and S now, because when they were so much older than me and I was just in my 2nd year of being around fucking people there was no chance we could relate. Now I bet we could get high together and shoot the shit. I'd love to drink with S and I don't know fucking fist fight. I've never thought about that until now, and I wish I could somehow hang out with them back then.

I'm upset about so many things and that anger is just thinly veiled sadness.