An Open Letter

Gonna have to keep this short since I don’t want to be awake for midnight. I’m feeling less depressed, I talked with friends, and one of them even went out of their way to make sure we would do something together! Maybe this year won’t be as bad. Also, the friend who asked about my T-shirt size mentioned how they had a secret present they wanted to see my reaction to in person, and I feel like they actually care.

I’m not used to having people care about my birthday, this is a weird feeling. I was thinking about that quote:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. — Rumi

Maybe I am loved?

Situation: Birthday is tomorrow

Thoughts: I want to self-isolate, and throw a pity party for myself. I want to self-sabotage myself as much as possible so that I can justify how depressed I am around my birthday. I want pity, and I also don’t want anyone to know.

Feelings: I feel absolutely and utterly miserable.

Behavior: I self-sabotage, and make myself depressed unnecessarily.

Thoughts: It doesn’t have to be something depressing, I can enjoy my birthday.

Feelings: I feel scared, but also more at peace. Maybe everything will be ok.

Behavior: I don’t self-sabotage, and start to unlearn this pattern of getting horribly depressed around this time.

I’m scared, but that’s how I know I’m growing. Love you Suman, have a happy birthday tomorrow ♥