Brutal
There’s a line of this song I recently found, life is not fair – kill yourself or get over it. I had a board game today with friends, and it wasn’t mine! I got invited for it. I was driving over to it, and I was feeling depressed. I knew that I would feel better once I started interacting with people, but it still was rough. After the hangout session, I was still depressed at least a little bit. Well, actually, honestly, not nearly as as much as I was before which is a good sign. During the event, however, I met some new people, and I was making everyone laugh consistently throughout the night. I don’t know why, but while I was leaving, I have a thought about what I could even say if someone asked me for advice about how to be funny or the life of the party, and my immediate thought even before any conscious thoughts was that it’s an incredibly huge task that realistically not everyone is heavily capable of. Essentially, just be funny, brutal. And I don’t like how incredibly egotistical or self-absorbed it sounds, and so I’m promising that this isn’t something that I consciously think or agree with, but just rather the thoughts that popped into my head while driving. But I also thought about how when I went on a cruise and made friends with the other single passengers, one of the guys was telling me how he submits and I win, and I should get all the girls. It was weird and it honestly made me feel kind of uncomfortable because I don’t want him to feel that way, and it feels like I am kind of being made responsible to reassure his insecurity or fix it. But I think he felt that way because he was a little bit awkward and seemed like a nice guy, but that in combination with being a bit overweight just made made him kind of a side character to the other people. I think for better for worse, I make my presence known and am involved in most conversations, or plans, and people tend to gravitate around me. And I’ve thought about it and I think some of the reasons why I am the way I am are the same reasons why that person I think would likely end up in a happy relationship and a happy life sooner and for a much more stable arrangement. I think about how on Instagram I sometimes see people from high school that felt like background characters, socially, that end up getting married and look like they have wonderful lives, and I’m happy for them, but at the same time, it is one of the things where it feels like I am on a different timeline than a lot of other people. I think a lot of the blessings that I have come with their cost, and this is one of those cases.