An Open Letter

Hey. Shame this is the 20th post in a row of just journaling, might as well preface this a bit: this blog originally was more meant for thoughts and writing, but I’ve transitioned it into a place for me to vent and process things. I no longer recommend reading it, I’m not writing anything worth reading anymore other than my journaling.

I realized I’ve been feeling pretty miserable, and it’s been because I’ve been thinking about the catastrophe situation of the close friend saying “I don’t want to be close friends anymore”, or anything along those lines. I think any indication of the sentiment of ‘this level of intimacy is more than what I’d like’ terrifies me. Immediately I feel like I’ve opened myself up for display, and after seeing that they reject it. I like who I am, so I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to suppress who I am as a person – this could always just be attributed to incompatibility, but this idea makes me horribly sad. I really like the idea of being close with this person, as I feel comfortable around them. But the thought of it not being reciprocated, or not genuine makes it virtually worthless.

I had a compulsion to want to message them something to try to manipulate them or steer them in the direction of “Hey, I’m fine with whatever! Don’t flat-out reject me!” so I could preserve the hope that potentially the feelings are fully authentic. I realized however this was just another compulsion, and if I gave into this I would doubt myself nearly immediately if they actually wanted to be friends with me like that. I think I need to hold out until therapy (Wednesday) before I message them again. I’ve been writing down big thoughts I’ve had regarding this, today in traffic I noted the big distinction I put at the top of this, and also how I don’t want this to be a relationship where I have to second guess if they want to be the friends we are.

I feel almost nauseous because in my mind I can see a fairly realistic situation where they echo the sentiment of not wanting to be as close, and the worst part is I don’t think it’s because of any fault of my own. I think they aren’t comfortable opening up like that, and so they don’t feel they can keep up with how close I’d want to be. That feeling fucking sucks. I guess I probably should also think about the words and how I speak about this stuff, as I have a bad habit of speaking objectively without considering how the connotations might affect the message to the other person. I guess with this insight, I should ask what stuff they are fine talking/doing, and what stuff they aren’t.

I feel pretty shitty because there’s a good chance this friendship ends up being relatively surface-level. In an ideal world, I would want them to actually want to be close to me and want to be able to open up and know more vulnerable things about each other. The thing that sucks is this is something that should be out of my hands, it is up to them to decide if that is something they want. I obviously know what I prefer, but as sad as the idea of them not wanting to be close – the thought of wasting all of it on someone who doesn’t want that is worse.

It sucks because I feel unfortunately good at manipulation here. I think if I explicitly ask them “Do you want to be close friends”, there’s a decent chance they say no because of the connotation in their mind. But if I ask them “Do you want to get to know each other on more than a surface level” I think they would say yes. To me both of these are the same thing, but with drastically different outcomes. I don’t like having the burden of having to consciously choose this now, as it just feels like manipulation. Why couldn’t my mother have just been normal…

Situation: A close friend potentially might not want to be ‘close’, especially if I ask it like that.

Thoughts: I think that this is a rejection and that I am losing a friend.

Feelings: I feel like shit, and I feel alone and unloveable.

Behavior: I sabotage the relationship, and I end up losing a good friend.

OBJECTION! -

Thoughts: First of all, I need to acknowledge the semantics behind this – if I phrase it differently then I don’t think that outcome will happen, this isn’t manipulation this is the whole “maternal” thing I talked about in therapy.

That being said, I would rather rip the bandaid off and know what they want instead of half-assing it and constantly second-guessing it. It would for sure suck if they didn’t want to be close friends, but I’d rather know that than put them in an uncomfortable situation and also be in a relationship that isn’t honest.

If the person I know is them (which I trust them about), nothing drastically bad will change. It might suck a bit, but I think the practical worst-case scenario is not terrible. Just sucks, but not terrible.

Feelings: I feel better, as I realize I’ve been overreacting. I feel still anxious, but a normal amount, not the amount earlier. Also, the compulsion has somewhat become quieter.

Behavior: I take a huge step towards being a healthier person.

785 It's insane how consistently wrong my brain is, and that's a great thing because I sometimes hate my brain

Love you, look forward to Wednesday. You are stronger than compulsion Anshuman. ♥