An Open Letter

A girl is coming over to cuddle, so I gotta do this quick before she arrives.

I’ve been socializing an extreme amount, and I’ve realized around some people I feel very drained – and I feel worse afterward. I think this is mostly on me, I need to understand these are no longer really close friends, but rather people I hang out with occasionally. In that lens, things are fine.

Situation: People who used to be good friends have become more of hang-out friends.

Thoughts: I feel like I did something wrong to get demoted like this, and I will start to look for evidence.

Feelings: I feel insecure, sad, and unloveable. I have multiple friends that I feel fulfilled with, but I will fixate on these unsatisfying ones.

Behavior: I end up feeling more insecure, and I sabotage all relationships because of one bad group.

If I take a second to really think about this, I see things through this lens, however:

Thoughts: We’ve gotten more distant, and that is fully fine. I’ve realized we’ve gone in different directions, and they aren’t really people I want to be incredibly close with. I enjoy being able to hang out with them, and I am also fully in control of how much I want to.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but also more in control and comfortable with life. This is something unsavory, but a good thing overall.

Behavior: I don’t sabotage myself, and I have more control over the socialization I want to have.

I want to write later about my recent experiences with female attention, but she is arriving any moment now so I should probably wrap this up. I’m glad I did CBT, I kinda wanted to skip it today but I think thinking about this made me feel a lot more in control. I’m proud of the work you do, and I love you Suman. ♥