An Open Letter

This is gonna be an assorted list of random things that kind of stuck with me that I want to write down. One thing is how while yes it is difficult and rough to feel constant rejection and to be a man pursuing women, I am very much in the minority of being a man that is relatively emotionally mature, successful, attractive, and also wanting to settle down and get married and have kids. There are a lot more women that want that than men, and I would much rather have the agency of pursuing people rather than having to just accept whatever opportunities come my way, and trying to make the most of that. That actually sounds pretty miserable and like you have a lack of control. I want to remind myself that I’m not in that position and that’s something I should be grateful for.

Another thing is that the things that I really want in a partner are not actually that exceptionally rare. It’s not like I’m someone with some really niche fetish or anything like that, and I’ve also learned how easy it is for me to love people. I also know that I do receive a lot of positive attention, and I have had friends have crushes on me in the past. I do not have a shortage of people that are interested in me in my life, and that is a direct result of the work that I’ve done in the effort that I put in and that is something I should be very proud of.

I think I have a disproportionate sense of dread, and I want to be aware of that fact. I think I find several different thoughts that my brain brings up to try to justify it, and all of them have very blatant holes that get poked through quite easily. I think that should be a good indication of the fact that this is just my brain trying to protect me in a way. Feeling like I am alone and I will not find a partner is something that I grew up a lot with, and I think I have that cognitive lens over my experiences in life. But at the same time I was able to find a relationship pretty quickly in San Diego. So it’s not a question of me dying alone or anything like that. And I am pretty young still, and yes there are some people that had very fortunate starting places in life and get to be in very committed relationships or marriages in their late 20s, and it’s not that that’s impossible for me either. But at the same time also recognize that life makes everyone drink their share from the cup of misery. It’s not that their life is inherently better than mine or anything like that. That comparison is something that will ultimately force desperation into something that should take time. And I think it will be something so incredibly beautiful and I’m willing to wait for that.