Crushing
Tomorrow A Is coming over to bake stuff with me for the baking club, but also for my birthday. I was honestly taking it back by how thoughtful and sweet it was of her to offer, and how serious she was about it. I remember when he first talked, we kind of stopped after it faded out a little bit, but I remember telling myself that one of the reasons why I wasn’t interested is because I didn’t think she would really care about me, but I think seeing that she can and does reignited a lot of the feelings that I had. I’ve been thinking about how much I’ve been thinking about how to kind of indicate that I’m interested in her like this so that I can eventually ask her on a date because we already have pretty good chemistry. And I’m thinking about how I worry that sometimes things are like manipulation if I behave in a certain way to try to get some desired result. But at the same time, this feels like saying, if I am nice to someone before I ask them on a date, that is manipulative when I think that is just normal human nature. I do find myself sometimes getting a little bit I guess like two looped up in it, where I find myself wanting her to respond or almost expecting certain things in my head, and I have to catch myself and remind myself that I am going to be completely OK if she is not interested. And I use that as a mantra.