An Open Letter

I just finished recording and editing day 2 of Advent of Code, this is going to be a pain I can already tell lol. My tutorial from day 1 got 500 views, and a surprising amount of people commented, liked, and subscribed. I’m glad I was able to help people out, and that makes me pretty happy!

That being said, today was pretty fucking horrible. Last night Hash was shivering, and seemed like he was uncomfortable so I was a bit worried. This morning, after our walk he suddenly started wincing, whimpering, and stopped walking. I called the vet to schedule an appointment and then had to go teach my section. When I came back, he was lying down and when I went to pick him up to put him in the car, he started shivering like crazy and whimpering. His abdomen was incredibly tight, and he looked in pain. The vet eventually got back to me and said possibly that he has a back problem, but she isn’t sure about what the issue is either. He could have swallowed something, a GI issue, or some other possible infection but no definite answer.

On Tuesday he has his X-Ray, which will cost $800 out-of-pocket. He might also need sedation, if he is super uncomfortable, which will cost another $600. I want what’s best for him, but at the same time, $1400 is a lot of money to get slapped with. I just want him to be ok, and not in pain. He now has a good amount of pain medication and some extras that hopefully should make him feel better.

Last night I barely slept at all, I was waking up almost every hour and was finding it very hard to go back to sleep. I’m afraid tonight might be the same.

Situation: Hash might need to be sedated for his X-ray, which will cost a lot of money.

Thoughts: I don’t know how I can afford this, and intrusive thoughts are getting bad.

Feelings: I feel horribly stressed, overwhelmed, and like a horrible person for the intrusive thoughts.

Behavior: I shut down completely, and I feel horrible.

Thoughts: If I need to spend the money, I need to spend the money. It is not the end of the world, I want him to be ok. Also intrusive thoughts don’t define my morals or who I am.

Feelings: I feel scared, but more reassured.

Behavior: I don’t let this anxiety dominate my life.

I love hash, and I love you. I pray for both of our health. Goodnight Suman ♥