An Open Letter

Tomorrow morning is my first and only real MS exam (which I’m SUPER grateful for). I’m struggling to focus and study because each time I have idle thoughts, they end up going in the direction of A and what happened, and my own insecurities about it. My therapist explained really well how to handle this. I need to remind myself that my mind is not perfect, and also how it is essentially doing its best to torture me, however it can. And so I try not to think about it right now. It kinda feels like I’m running away from thinking about something which goes against my view on life, but I understand that feeding into these thoughts will just make it worse. It sucks because recently I realized I wanted to dopamine detox more, and that came in the form of allowing myself to be bored more. With little pockets of time, instead of pulling up TikTok or my phone, just sitting and being bored. Today, I finally did the dishes since I was waiting for my food to heat up, and I wasn’t using my phone. In the shower also I paused my music and set a 5-minute timer to meditate for the first time in forever, and I just sat on the floor and did my best to let my thoughts flow away like a leaf in a stream. I found myself at so much peace, and I just enjoyed being in bliss feeling the warm water and being in the moment – until I realize I have started thinking again and then its pulling myself back into just the moment, and nothing else. I should do that more. It’s weird how long 5 minutes can become when I’m not stimulated.