An Open Letter

So today I talked with my sister for the first time in years, and it was pretty weird but good I think. I got a lot of good advice, and I guess I realized I do have a big problem with moving too fast in a relationship. This comes up because of the situation with E, and I’m realizing how I’m actually fairly unhealthy in this situation. I spend a LOT of time with her, and to me the problem is that it's actually a good thing. Or I guess more like I feel like that is a good thing. It sucks I think part of the problem is she is the one coming to my place a lot and she's the one spending time there and it makes it really easy for me, but I think it does really mess with her, especially with her routine and stuff like that. I know I talked with some of my friends About how they kinda felt in similar situations, and it's this sentiment of feeling like you lose your sense of individuality or who you are. Like if you think about it she's sending all of this time over at my place, and because of that she isn't able to spend time with her friends or doing other things at home for example. It sucks because I also realize in a really stupid way that having a girlfriend like her is wonderful in the sense it's like a Tryndamere ult. I'm able to not die or really recognize any feelings of loneliness or any other shortcomings in my own social life, because I always have around which is really nice. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do on a weekend, or if I'm going to have someone I can play games with because she's wonderful and available and the problem is basically a lot of my niches are getting satisfied just by her. It sucks because it's really fun to do that I guess for lack of a better word. Like the way that I kinda see it is you always have someone that is accessible that you are incredibly comfortable with and that you really enjoy the presence of, so it's like you have consistently high quality interaction except the problem Because you have that abundantly available you never try to foster or nurture other connections and I think it leads to this sense of dependency. It's really hard because I don't really like the idea almost of fixing that if that makes sense. Because what I have to do is step away from her you know? Like I need to choose to invest in other people and spend time, while I know that she is available and I would love to spend time with her. And it's pretty hard and scary because how am I supposed to go and try some random hobby in some new place around people that I haven't met before especially because I feel kind of antisocial if I'm being honest. Like I guess I have this feeling that most people that I meet I would not actually get along with as a friend especially in the same way that I get along with E. Like with her I'm able to make really stupid analogies that she gets, or I can be very weird and I'm also like not worried about being misinterpreted or like I guess being high energy and things like that like she really matches my vibe. And it doesn't feel draining at all to be around her And I feel like that's kind of the crux of it in a way. She consistently replenishes my energy while trying to socialize especially at first drains it pretty quick.

I watched a video on this and I find myself wanting to deal with this anxiety by rushing into this which I understand is a problem. Like I want to interact with her and talk with her because I want to basically show that hey look the problem that you voiced and mentioned I now see and I do want to address it. And I guess I'm kind of afraid of the stability of our relationship in a way, because us taking this break for a week gives us time to think. I know my sister's advice originally was to break up and I think other people have mentioned similar things, and I don't want to if I'm being honest. I do want to continue to date and grow with her, because I really like her in a lot of different ways, and she makes me feel safe, you know? And I guess I'm kind of afraid the fact that maybe after a week after having this time to think and especially when I'm not directly there influencing her by being in her arms maybe she doesn't want to be in that relationship. I think it's naive if I don't acknowledge the fact that there are probably other things absolutely that we haven't talked about yet that probably are serious things to her you know? Like the same way how I didn't really think or consider about the fact that we were going too fast for both of us until she mentioned that it was too fast for her. And so I'm kind of afraid if I'm being fully honest about the fact that maybe she does decide that after a week she doesn't want to be in this relationship. I'm also afraid in a way that feels weird now that I say it but because she has her therapy appointment on Friday. I guess it's because I've been getting a lot of advice to break up and it feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle and I kind of am afraid of her going to therapy and her therapist saying stuff about how they should break up. But I think also part of this is my anxiety for sure. I think if nothing else I need to remind myself of the fact that ultimately it's not a relationship where I have to influence or convince them to want to be with me or work things out, It's not healthy if she only wants to be with me while I'm right there in her arms and able to sway her like that. It's weird because if I think about her breaking up with me it's incredibly painful, but at the same time if I think about me breaking up with her it's one of those things where it's like OK it's my decision i'm kinda fine with it. And obviously I don't want to break up with her right now and I don't have any plans to. But I guess it's this idea that it's something in my control in a way Makes it feel so much better. Like safer I guess. I wonder if this is part of the pattern of crash outs, like how M was telling me.

I think the thing I'm kind of scared about is if the advice that I get that I have to follow it feels like is something like not interacting more than twice a week. It's kind of hard to go to that from you know seeing them five times a week and those interactions being the entire day. Like I really like her sleeping over, and I really like spending the entire day together. And I guess the idea of only seeing her for two or three hours on a weekend feels like I'm suffocating in a way. And I guess that's kind of a sign that something is wrong. But I already know that. The hard part is actually changing that. Honestly I feel like the idea of not seeing her on a weekend day is less painful than the idea of seeing her for only like two hours. And I hope that it's one of those things that as time goes on it's OK to spend that much time together, but I guess it's one of those things that you almost have to earn if that makes sense. You have to do the due diligence and take things slow. Otherwise things burn out and become unsustainable and eventually breaks.