An Open Letter

I had a stupid idea for something to send to S, and so I quickly made it and it was so bad that I didn’t have it in me to share it with anyone else lol. I still sent it to him ofc, since I have no reservations around him. But while doing that, I ended up seeing my tiktok drafts, and I saw a few things that were so embarassing that I fully started like cowering in my own apartment by myself. I did then proceed to share it with S and J, but not on my story to friends. I did however see the drawing I paid $5 for of me giving birth, and I thought that was so fire so I posted that on my story, to much chagrin of others. J then mentioned “Isnt it great not having a shame response” and that did make me think for a bit. I think I do have a pretty strong shame response, but not exactly for being weird or esoteric. I’m not fully sure why those parts are fine with me, but I’d guess it has something to do with the lack of solid socialization growing up. I think because I didn’t really have a community to conform to, I am not necessarily too afraid of that judgment. I think that’s also because I haven’t really gotten much negative feedback for my cringy behaviors in the moment. Like for example with this blog — I think it’s fully within reason for someone to give me shit for this or call me weird, but strangely enough that hasn’t happened yet. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten enough positive feedback and I’m solid enough in my worldview that even if I did get that negative feedback from a random person it wouldn’t affect me much. I guess it’s weird to try to figure myself out more, and to put rules and understand my behaviors, like where I draw the lines on certain things. I think I’m happy with this version of me.