An Open Letter

I really like this quote because I like to interpret it in an unconventional lens. I think of what you can do as what you are capable of, and your potential. And so the quote becomes fully realize your potential. And I think that's a good reminder, because everyone is capable of way more than they think they are, you only find out once you push and see that that boundary isn't actually there.

I talked with M today as we hung out for like 6 hours. At one point it came up, and I mentioned how she hasn't really gassed me up ever even though we originally talked about it, and she apologized. I told her it wasn't a big deal, but we talked about it more later and she mentioned about how as an attractive woman, if she tells me that she finds me attractive in the way of a compliment, she is afraid of losing my friendship the potential of something physical. And then I kind of got it. To me, it has mostly felt like I am not actually important and not someone to look at, and that I am essentially cast aside compared to all of the other men she sees, and that I'm not enough to notice. Or that I am not worthy of any compliments. But that's not the case, she told me she does find me attractive but she's more afraid of losing me and the boundary we set about not being physical as friends. And I guess ultimately just not wanting to lead me on, because a lot of men of course are starved for that validation and whenever we receive it it feels special.

So thinking about it this way, I understand that it's not that I am untouchable or undesirable, but kind of the opposite I guess – too important to risk. I wonder if a similar thing is happening with T, because she stopped gassing me up and mentally I did take note of it. Maybe it's better for me to think a similar situation is happening, where it's not that I am undesirable or unattractive, but there's something else at play that I just don't I think about.