An Open Letter

Today was honestly a really dark day. I struggled a lot with intrusive thoughts about suicide and several other really morbid things. I honestly kind of just stood here for a pretty solid amount of time. Debating if I should write down an example of one of the thoughts, but I think it’s too morbid and so I will refrain. I am honestly pretty scared however. I haven’t had ideation like this in a long time. There were some lines in the song, beach life and death that resonated a lot however and so I guess I’m going to talk about that.

It should be called anti-depression

As a friend of mine suggested

Because it's not the sadness that hurts you

It's the brain's reaction against it

I don’t think this is necessarily groundbreaking in an obvious sense, but I feel like it did capture something that is kind of hard to explain. Depression for me a lot of the times isn’t necessarily the sadness. I think that is something that everyone understands and goes through to some extent, but rather it is the persistent lack of joy. Anything good goes so incredibly quickly from my brain, and the bad is just a persistent drum beat. The second everything goes away I start to hear it again. But it’s not even the sadness, it’s the fear of depression itself. Me feeling sad doesn’t make me want to kill myself, I want to kill myself to get away from the sadness. It’s this terrifying thought of things never getting better, and I know I’m depressed right now because I can’t even fucking fathom what it’s like to not be in this pit. It has been like this for days, and I cannot remember a life before it and I cannot picture a life after this. Even though I know that both of those things are false. I just don’t want to exist and I want to get away from all of it and I want to stop and my life is so incredibly good in so many different ways, and I think those are parts of the reasons why I am not actively suicidal. But even in absence of any meaningful problem, I am so incredibly miserable, and I want to die.