An Open Letter

Today I called out of work because I was emotionally feeling that drained. If I’m being completely honest I don’t really wanna get into it right now, and so I just won’t. I will say that I do feel like I am seeing tangible growth in myself, both in the way that I handle communication, and in the way that I respect my need for time or space before I handle something, as opposed to acting out of emotion.

I went to the gym and I felt really weak because I’m sick and drained, and when I got home after doing other stuff I decided I might as well just take a Polaroid of my body because I was walking around shirtless and I kind of did like the way that I looked. Or at least it felt like it was a familiar thought to feel happy with how I look even if I don’t necessarily fully feel it. And I was hoping that have a nice Polaroid would make me feel good, but on the first one my face was in it and I didn’t know and so I wasn’t making any real expression and I look psychotic and I don’t like the way I look there. I was going to throw away the Polaroid, even though in my scrapbook I have kept every Polaroid even the ones that don’t develop or developed poorly. I decided to try to use my lighter to get the photo to essentially sensor my face, but it ended up just burning the Polaroid. I felt like it was almost poetic in a sense, the burn marks over my face to cover my insecurities and to try to mask it with my body. And it feels almost like intentional objectification of myself, as a way to distract from flaws. To provide my own value in such a clear unconnected sense.