An Open Letter

A little bit anxious if I’m being honest about the whole spark thing. On one hand is something that I have felt before and it has felt real. But also I feel like I’ve seen a lot of literature told through secondhand sources about how this park is actually just an anxiety response due to uncertainty. The part that I’m feeling is not necessarily associated with a healthy relationship. And so because of that I guess I’m kind of afraid because I feel like that spark has been a big reason why I enter into relationships in the first place. And I’m a little bit afraid because if I’m not supposed to use that as an indicator am I supposed to more or less just settle for someone who doesn’t excite me? And the problem is I don’t actually know the answer to that question. Because I feel like maybe yes. Maybe love is not meant to be exciting. And it goes completely against all of the narratives that I’ve seen through media because you never really see a slow burn or plotless love. It’s often painted by large grand gestures and this spark is captured within two or so hours in a movie. And I feel afraid because I don’t really know what to look for otherwise. And it feels like this is just another path of settling, which is something that I wanted to avoid because I think I owe it to a future partner and I owe it to myself to feel absolutely in love with them. But if I’m not supposed to necessarily feel a spark with them that does kind of widen the pool of my options that I consider because there are people that I just don’t really feel a connection or chemistry with and now the problem is maybe those people are the right partners to choose. And additionally when I think about how a partner is not supposed to match you in all of the ways, and they’re not supposed to necessarily share your interests, and attraction is a superficial thing and not necessarily something to base everything on, it feels like there’s an argument for almost anyone being a good candidate and that feels like I’ve stepped even farther from where I was originally with my goal of being more selective.