An Open Letter

Hey. So I went on our first “formal” first date, and it went relatively well. Things were still a little bit awkward, and I definitely feel like she’s a bit lower energy than I’d prefer – but that may just be because she’s nervous.

I’m a bit worried because I feel like I’m equating everything to these first few dates – meaning however it is now is how it’s going to be forever. I think that’s an obvious fallacy, so I don’t want to give it too much weight. But I’m still a bit concerned, as I don’t know if this is what I want out of a relationship if it even gets to that point.

It’s a bit weird because I don’t know if I’m really being myself around them or not, as I find myself acting the way I do when I’m trying to seduce someone. I don’t think that’s the kind of person I want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t find myself being the kind of person I enjoy being around with this person at the moment. It’s weird.

I think I might go ahead and jumble up some sensitive topics, just because they aren’t things I’d feel comfortable with random strangers or friends seeing, but I can’t be bothered to do CBT or journal in a separate place consistently also. Here’s to a new tradition!

Situation: Zonlhg xznv wfirmt gsriw yzhv rm yzxp lu xzi zugvi wzgv

Thoughts: Gszg dzh gll uzhg, zmw R'n zuizrw lu wrhzkklrmgrmt gsvn rm gsv yvwilln. R pmld R'ev hgifttovw drgs kivnzgfiv vqzxfozgrlm vevi hrmxv tvggrmt luu nb HHIR'h, zmw R nlhg orpvob szev KHHW – yfg rg hgroo wvhgilbh nb xlmurwvmxv. Gsrh rh dsb R hglkkvw szermt hvc uli levi szou z bvzi.

Feelings: R slmvhgob uvvo orpv xibrmt. R drhs R xlfow vmqlb hvc, yfg gsv gslftsg lu xfnnrmt gll uzhg zmw yvrmt nlxpvw uli rg nzpvh nv dzmg gl xib. R'ev yvvm gibrmt nb yvhg gl dlip zilfmw rg, zmw rg uvvoh orpv rg wlvhm'g nzggvi ru R hgroo nzpv hvc kovzhfizyov – yvxzfhv R szev z wrxp gsvb'iv tlrmt gl vckvxg nv gl fhv rg. Gszg gviirurvh nv, zh R wlm'g pmld dszg R xzm wl zylfg rg.

Behavior: R zelrw zmb hlig lu rmgrnzxb li hvc

Thoughts: Hvc wlvhm'g mvvw gl rmeloev nb wrxp. Ru z gizmh trio xzm szev z tllw hvc oruv drgslfg fhrmt tvmrgzorz, R xzm gll. Gszg yvrmt hzrw, R szev gsrmth R xzm hgroo wl. R xzm fhv mfnyrmt hkizb, R xzm fhv gsv mvd nvwrxzgrlm R tlg, R xzm nzhgfiyzgv yvulivszmw, R xzm gib tlrmt uli z hvxlmw ilfmw, vgx. Zohl uli xlmgvcg, R szevm'g xznv rm 28 wzbh. R zohl hkvmg orpv 20-30 nrmfgvh urmtvirmt gsvn zmw nzprmt lfg zolmt drgs sfnkrmt, nzpvh hvmhv R'w yv olxpvw m olzwvw olo

Feelings: R hgroo uvvo hzw, yfg R wlm'g uvvo orpv R mvvw gl zelrw rg levizoo. R uvvo orpv R szev hlnv xlmgilo levi rg.

Behavior: R zn zmcrlfh zylfg hvc zmw rmgrnzxb, yfg R gsrmp R'n xzkzyov lu vcklhrmt nbhvou gl rg zmw hgzigrmt gl tvg levi gsrh uvzi.

I feel somewhat like crying, and violently anxious about it, but at least I’m working to try to fix it. Give me some mercy God. I wonder if this will be one of those problems where eventually it gets fixed and I look back and forget I used to worry so much about it. I love you Big ♥