An Open Letter

J Left like two hours ago and we made something from scratch that I’m actually pretty happy with for once. And weirdly enough I can’t believe my first thought was not to talk about everything else. Today I had a therapy session where I almost couldn’t talk because I was crying, and I have never had a session like that in the eight years I’ve been in therapy. And maybe it’s just because of all of the feelings that have been built up and the wounds from childhood, but it was about birthday stuff. I ended up calling J after, because I wanted to both tell her, but also because I was told it would be a good idea by my therapist too individually tell my close friends how it would mean a lot to me for me to be celebrated this year for my birthday. J told me that her and N were already planning and talking about something for me. And it really makes me want to cry thinking about how something actually has changed. One of the things that really hurts. Is that feeling of putting in all of this effort year after year and feeling like there are some things that just will not change. But something is different now, even if I don’t get my hopes up about anything, the fact that I have friends that care enough to talk about it without me having to ask. It’s enough to make me cry.